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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

Dr. Kyle Charles Finnegan (born November 24th, 1942), better known as One Out of Ten Doctors, is a famed medical doctor and the tenth and final member of the elite Council Of Expert Doctors (or C.O.E.D.), an association noted for their advisory regarding taking certain medication. Dr. Finnegan is somewhat the outsider in C.O.E.D, and is the only member who always opposes every conventional medicine, while the other nine out of ten typically approve every single medicine.

Dr. Finnegan also works part-time as a dentist, and within this field he is best known for being the one out of five dentists in opposition to Trident gum. Dr. Finnegan's recent activities include campaigning for the legalization of medicinal marijuana, fighting medical malpractice, and trying to prove to an ignorant world that Dr. Phil is not a real doctor. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that Pennywise the Clown wants to entertain you? (Pictured)

... that contrary to popular belief, popular belief isn't all that popular?
... that the dolphin is the only animal other than man that laughs at its own farts?
... that still lifes are the most interesting paintings?
... that there is no other word for thesaurus?
... that the world will beat a path to your door if you build a better Mousetrap?
... that more people have been inside Paris Hilton, than in the Hilton in Paris?
... that you've just lost the game?

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In the news [edit]

"...at least panda meat doesn't give you autism!" ‑RFK Jr.

Kid (and ball) escape narrow car crash
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. engulfs every panda bear in existence (Pictured)
Kardashian and Ye do washed up things
We have road copters
Mummy Pig's pregnancy sparks paternity drama
Heinz Doofenshmirtz finally takes full control over the Tri-State Area
UnNews remembers Michelle Trachtenberg
Cinema ceiling makes dramatic entrance during Captain America screening
UnSports update for February!
- USA and Canada take their trade war to the ice hockey rink. Literally.
- Philadelphia Eagles ruin Super Bowl "3-peat" dreams for Kansas City Chiefs, Taylor Swift
- And more!

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI • Eurovision Song Contest • Russian Invasion • Israel‑Hamas conflict • ICE rounding up illegal immigrants • Taylor Swift's very unlucky, no good year • DOGE firings and budget cuts • Release of all the JFK and Epstein Files, purportedly • March Madness • Tornadoes shredding the American South • Post-apocalyptic streaming movies starring Stranger Things actors

Recent deaths: Michelle Trachtenberg • Gene Hackman, wife and dog, too • Skype • Kingda Ka • David Johansen, The New York Dolls, and Buster Poindexter • UnSpoiler and BeGone extensions • Space Ghost • Tesla's stock • Bob Rivers • Meghan Markle's Netflix show • The Electric State • Kurt from Good Burger • George Foreman • 23andMe

Upcoming deaths: Yoon Suk Yeol's presidency and freedom • Luigi Mangione • Kate Middleton • Laura Palmer • DEI, for better or for worse • Pope Francis • Meghan Markle's remaining likeability • "Snow Woke and the Seven Pronouns" • Your March Madness bracket and bank account • Tornado Alley • Somebody from The Rugrats Movie

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On this day [edit]

March 26: Fast Food Day (U.S.)

1845 - Fast food, then called fasting from food, is invented in Ireland: millions starve due to new trend.
1940 - First McDonald's restaurant opens in San Bernardino, California, life expectancy drops to levels unseen since the Civil War.
1965 - Fox in Socks, the first depiction of a modern-day rap battle, is published by Dr. Seuss.
1994 - After complaints from vegans, McDonald's switches from beef fat to vegetable oil for their fries, vegans celebrate, give money to company that kills millions of cows.
1997 - Someone orders an iced coffee from Starbucks, destroys the economies of three South American countries.
2011 - McDonald's attempts to make Happy Meals healthier, billions of apple slices rot inside their teeny plastic bags.
2016 - New FCC regulations on misleading advertising forces Carl's Jr. to release new 30 second ad of a fat man crying, alone.
2018 - Wendy's delivers epic clapback against dumb bitch on twitter with sesame seed allergy.

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Thank you, George! But you must still look in 7 more countries to find nuclear weapons!

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