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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

The Doctor is a Time Lord from the planet Gallifrey in the constellation Superfluous. He is 903 years old,and serves in the capacities of saviour of lives and guardian of justice—as well as your host on the BBC1 documentary Doctor Who.

The Doctor was born between a Time Lord father and a genetic construction device "mother", on the planet Gallifrey. His father wanted him to be a doctor or a lawyer, and forced him to study at Gallifrey Medical University's citadel campus. However, he instead developed an interest in gadgetry and time travel, a paradoxically taboo subject amongst the Time Lords, and transferred to the Time Lord Academy. He built his own time-travelling TARDIS, which he gave away and then subsequently stole back. One day, he would be able to brag to inferior beings that he built the TARDIS, and subsequently confuse them by also saying that he stole it.

Just then, the Daleks, then a peaceful race of exterminators, went to war with the Time Lords, due to a horrible misunderstanding of the word "Time Lord," which in fact meant "termite" in the Dalek language. The Doctor escaped with his TARDIS, and he landed on Earth, specifically London, New Year's Day, 1963, and adopted Susan Foreman as his granddaughter, taking her last name to form his false Earth identity, "Doctor Foreman." At this point, the TARDIS became stuck in the shape of a police box. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that solar flares are actually maritime distress signals launched by astronauts floating in the Sun's vast oceans? (Pictured)

... that the bow-tie is an aphrodisiac worn by male humans which instantly increases the sexual appeal of the wearer by 16%?
...that you... you should have gone for my head? Oh Snap!
... that the Welsh language was created when someone fell asleep on a keyboard?
... that rounding up sheep is easiest to the nearest ten?
... that much like your cancer-stricken Grandpa, the United Kingdom would rather shit the bed than accept its fate and fade into obscurity?
... that in the Mesozoic Era, toasters ruled the earth?
... that there is no consensus among experts on vice presidential history that Al Gore exists?

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In the news [edit]

Well, that says a lot...

Omaha man's order of salmon sliders indistinguishable from salmon burgers
Charlie Kirk gets l+ratio'd during a speech in Utah
Sheeranism officially legalised in Yankeeland (Pictured)
Angela Rayner defects to Reform UK
Hollow Knight: Silksong gets released; Steam crashes for the second time this year
Some mega pop star and her boyfriend get engaged. Yaaay.
NFL teams replace female cheerleaders with gay dudes
Trump presents new science project to Cabinet
Uncyclopedia introduces AI Age Guesser™, petition nears 100,000 signatures
Trump fires Zakk Wylde
Trump sends condolences to "Ozzie Nelson," "Paul Hogan," "Luigi Mangione"
Epstein list predictions

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 and Spaceballs 2 • Russia/Ukraine and Israel/Hamas "peace talks" • Trump and Elon's couples therapy • SNL cast exodus • K-pop: The Movie • Jerry Jones screwing the Dallas Cowboys

Recent deaths: Ozzy Osbourne • Chuck Mangione • Hulk Hogan • Resident Alien • Down syndrome • Tom Lehrer • The system • FUBAR • Cartoon Network on Comcast's basic cable package • Sydney Sweeney's new movie • Terence Stamp • The Devil's Rejects Unrated Director's Cut 4K (also Saw 2 & 3) • Trump's pet sloth • Joe Burrow's toe • Robert Redford

Upcoming deaths: DEI • R. Kelly and Bryan Kohberger (in jail) • Iran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account • The flowers you bring Alan Bergman • Dallas Cowboys' and Cincinnati Bengals' seasons • MSNBC • Lil Nas X • Donald Trump • Windows 10

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On this day [edit]

September 19: Talk Like A Pirate Day (International), Talk Regularly Day (Somalia)

1778 – The Continental Congress passes the first budget of the United States, budgeting 10,000 doubloons for defense, 5000 pieces of eight for social programs, and additional booty to highways.
1796 – George Washington makes his farewell address, saying "Aye me mateys, it were good being captain of this fine ship of state."
1957 – First U.S. underground nuclear bomb test is conducted, shivering timbers as far as 500 miles away.
1970 – Pirates the world over rejoice at Oldsmobile's launch of the Cutlass Supreme.
1985 – First pirated movie released. It is rated ARRRRRRRRRRR!
1995 – First Talk Like a Pirate Day. It rapidly replaces the unpopular Talk Like a Ninja Day, which involved people saying nothing so as to conceal their presence.
1997 - Mike Tyson ruthlessly made fun of after doing a pirate impression. Three ears are added to his collection.

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Picture of the day

Eugene Krabs stands in awe before his establishment as Donald Trump enacts his wonderful tariffs.

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