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Confession of sins is an integral part of the Catholic faith and practice. The meaning of the word confession, in a Catholic sense, is essentially the same as in the criminal. Confessional inquisitions operate in a similar way to the courts, during confession Believers are considered guilty, until proven exceptionally guilty. To save time penitents are encouraged to admit their 'vile lust of the flesh', 'drooling sin of the eyes', and 'limping pride of the phallus'. The penitent must admit these crimes so the priest may 'cure' them of their debauched animal desire with the bitter medicine of guilt. For these reasons confession of one's sins, or at least of one's sinfulness, is seen by many churches as a prerequisite for becoming a Christian.
During confession, aggressive interview techniques are used by priests to extract the vile secrets the penitent is so desperate to hide. Lying only makes it worse, multiplying tenfold the number of sins committed. Afterwards, this information remains confidential. Only the penitent, the priest, and interested telemarketing companies need ever know what’s said. With a decline in church collections, many churches have taken to selling their congregation's details to telemarketing firms so they can tailor the products offered to suit the penitent's disgusting 'needs'. With the sinner's depraved wants satisfied, the Vatican usually receives a royalty fee for each sale in order to cover expenses. (Full article...)
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In the news
- Starmer announces plans to make tweeting illegal in the UK (Pictured)
- Trump given yet another Nobel Peace Prize for ending war he started 3 hours ago
- Kansas City Chiefs impulsively fire Missouri as home state, moving to actual Kansas after missing playoffs
- UnNews wishes to all users a merry December Holiday
- Dick Van Dyke is 100, bitches!
- ICE spotted stealing everyone's ice cream in America
- North Sentinelese discover fire, accidentally burn down entire island
- Elon Musk: "Cancel Netflix! I don't care if Max wakes up."
- 6 or 7 buildings burn in Hong Kong
- Labour approval hits record low during Starmer premiership, PM resorts to "getting down with the youth"
- The New York Yankees now fucking suck
Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI and Spaceballs 2 • Rich New Yorkers fleeing Mamdanistan • Larry Sanger's war on Wikipedia • Non-Bears invading Tennessee • Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Venezuelans unsure whether to freak out or celebrate • Non-playoff NFL teams firing their coaches • Jim and John Harbaugh family vacation in Cancun
Recent deaths: Doug Dimmadome • Zed's dead, baby (He was also the bad guy in The Mask) • Animal Farm • Rob Reiner • Bowen Yang's tenure on SNL • Patrick Mahomes' and his backup's ACLs • Brigitte Bardot • Carl Yastrzmski • 2025 • The MetroCard • Stranger Things • Kali • Vecna • The Upside Down • New York Rangers' fans livers and kidneys • Green Bay Packers', Carolina Panthers', Jacksonville Jaguars', Los Angeles Chargers', Philadelphia Eagles', and Pittsburgh Steelers' seasons • the other Black guy from John Carpenter's The Thing • Bob Weir • Scott Adams
Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • 67% of people trying to understand why 6 of 7 news stories mention "6-7" • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Netflix • The Sabres actually being good? • Dancin' Maduro • The Kansas City "Chiefs" • Aaron Rodgers' career, maybe
On this day
January 17: Kick Pigeons in the Face Day
- 395 - The Eastern Roman Empire and the Western Roman Empire split after "insurmountable creative differences."
- 1918 - The Finnish Civil War begins after the Finns decide that they might as well get their Civil War done right away.
- 1945 - The Soviets liberate Warsaw from Nazi Germany, decide to adopt Poland as their own. Aww.
- 1946 - The UN Security Council wonders what the UK is doing there. It's just an island.
- 1961 - Dwight D. Eisenhower makes final speech warning America about the monster that lives in your closet.
- 1987 - The New York City Transit Authority sponsors a pigeon kicking holiday (Pictured) in response to the bird poop derailing all their trains.
- 2004 - The Doomsday Clock is set four minutes to midnight after scientists realize the time on their microwave is two minutes off.
Picture of the day
 |
This picture was painted at the scene of George Bush's recent visit to Iraq. Locals rushed out to greet him, as he went about his official business: visiting the sick and needy, dispensing worldly and timeless wisdom, even finding time to heal a few lepers. Image credit: Spang |
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