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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

She was one hundred sixteen years old and different from other girls. She wasn't notably pretty and was socially awkward. She was the only alien in her school, which didn't help her feelings of exclusion. But the tolerant people of her town for the most part saw past her glowing blue skin.

Despite this all, she was in with the popular girls. Guys were cordial with her but nothing more. Drunken jocks at parties often dared each other to score with the alien chick. "Fifty bucks for the bro who scores some Pluto pussy" they said. They always failed. At parties she was so socially awkward that any guy coming near her would set off blue LED like lights in her cheeks. It is a biological trait Plutonian females have. It instantly freaks out any guy who gets near her. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... if you are right brained or left brained? (Pictured)

... that the process of dying and coming back to life as a cow is known as reincownation?
...Jacking off to more exotic fetishes doesn't make you special?
... that forgetting to carry the one is the leading cause of disaster for world domination plans?
... that in Spanish, "chinga tu madre" means "have a nice day"? Tell your friends!
... that the comic strip Fred Basset is interesting but not in the sense that might be expected of a comic strip?
... tennis isn't just a game?
... that Joe Biden stepped in dog shit?

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In the news [edit]

The face of HATE!

4chan hacked, nobody cares
Vatican commits simony
YouTube child educator Ms. Rachel detained and deported by ICE (Pictured)
Scientists revive some dead wolves because they can
Steve's Lava Chicken shut down due to health code violations
Wayne Gretzky's all-time regular season goal record broken by Putin's Instagram buddyboo
Donald Trump receives prestigious award for destroying the stock market
Kid (and ball) escape narrow car crash
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. engulfs every panda bear in existence
Kardashian and Ye do washed up things

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, and Deltarune • Eurovision • Russian Invasion • Israel-Palestine conflict • DOGE budget cuts • Everyone ditching some Disney live-action remake for A Minecraft Movie • Trump and Xi's tariff games • Americans scrambling last-minute to pay their taxes

Recent deaths: Meghan Markle's Netflix show • Kurt from Good Burger • George Foreman • 23andMe • Bruce Glover • Richard Chamberlain • Roger Daltrey's eyes and ears • Val Kilmer • Yoon Suk Yeol's presidency and freedom • Your 401K • Jay North • The playoff bids of all New York State NHL teams

Upcoming deaths: U.S. and Global Economy • Luigi Mangione • Kate Middleton • Laura Palmer • DEI • Columbus Blue Jackets' playoff chances • Gawr Gura

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On this day [edit]

April 16: 42nd Josef Stalin Appreciation Day (World)

2000 BC - Abraham forgets to take his schizophrenia pills and begins to hear voices. He takes off from Ur, resulting in all of modern humanity's problems.
1855 - Abraham and Mary Todd Lincoln enjoy a night of mad passionate love.
1878 - Joseph Stalin (Pictured) is born. Baby Hitler shudders in his Baby Hitler dreams.
1934 - Eleanor Roosevelt uncharacteristically enjoys a hotdog.
1943 - The first "Annual Miss Stalin-Look-Alike" contest is held in the Soviet Union; Joseph Stalin wins unanimously.
1953 - Desi Arnaz slaps Lucille Ball, calling her an "estupit beach" on national television.
1991 - US federal law passed forbidding driving while spreading cream cheese on a bagel.
2006 - The Queen of England decrees that all Australians must wear cork underpants.
2011 - Encyclopedia Dramatica sadly returns within 2 days of its death.

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Picture of the day

In an effort to extend its presence to areas that were previously only covered by UnNews, Fox News has founded a subsidiary in Middle Earth to stay competitive on the misinformation provider market.

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