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From today's featured article

Despicabilus horribilis posterior view.jpg

In the annals of history, it was thought that the list of the Worst 100 Things To Stick Your Dick Into was comprised of a more-or-less random selection of Earth-based horrors – such diverse things, in fact, as snowblowers, chainsaw tensioners, and Britney Spears. However, a recent scientific discovery has revealed each of the Worst 100 Things To Stick One's Dick Into to be... an orifice of the newly-discovered organism Despicabilus horribilis, vulgarly known as the gargantuan gut-worm of planet KL5-6309. According to a strangely gleeful Dr. Ephta Octavus, professor of biology at Utah State University, "Nothing from Earth even comes close, really."

Of course, most sensible people, when confronted with the living horror that is the Despicabilus horribilis, might ask "why on Earth would I want to stick my dick into something like that?" It is a puzzler; perhaps this terrifying organism's appearance belies a deep, alluring nature, or perhaps it's just the novelty of copulating with an alien organism. It does not seem to merely repulse, it piques, and piquancy is apparently just a short drive down the road from HotSexyTown. Countless human scientists have lost their genitalia within hours of acquiring a specimen of this organism. It seems to be only a matter of time before any male human looking at a gargantuan gut-worm of planet KL5-6309 feels a sudden, aching urge to "become one" with the beast. Despite the well-documented horrors that lurk within it, its orifices remain so alluring that an average of six people a day (most of them men) are torn to pieces during "scientific investigations" conducted with their ... er, shall we say, "members". (Full article...)

Did you know...

Giraffe love.jpg
  • ... that male and female giraffes have been banned from living together in the New York City Zoo since 1975? (Pictured)
  • ... that the packets of silica gel that say "DO NOT EAT" are actually delicious?
  • ... that individuals born under the sign of Gemini are often flammable and vulnerable to bear attacks?
  • ... that Freddie Mercury was banned in some European countries due to his extremely radioactive last name?
  • ... that the United States presidential election of 1948 saw the overwhelming defeat of then-President Harry S. Truman at the hands of Thomas Dewey, the Republican governor of New York and former partner in the law firm, Dewey, Cheatem & Howe?
  • ... that The Oldest Trick in the Book was first chronicled in cuneiform by the Ancient Sumerians, who lived on the windswept steppes of Mesopotamia?
  • ... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
  • ... that the world will beat a path to your door if you build a better Mousetrap?

In the news

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One simply cannot piss until he scans this.

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 and Spaceballs 2 • Russia-Ukraine "peace talks" • ICE/Antifa clashes • Trump and Elon couples therapy • Jerry Jones screwing the Dallas Cowboys • Pregnant moms taking Tylenol to give their babies "autism powers" • Democrats and Republicans throwing hissy fits in D.C.

Recent deaths: Trump's pet sloth • Robert Redford • U.S. Federal Government • Jane Goodall • The Yankees' World Series dreams • Diane Keaton • Gaza War • Drew Struzan • Windows 10 • D'Angelo • YouTube player's old design • Ace Frehley • Any hopes for a KISS reunion

Upcoming deaths: DEI • Iran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account • MSNBC • Donald Trump • Aforementioned Tylenol moms • Mark Butt-fumble's career and freedom • Coral reefs

On this day

Sharks can be very dangerous... and apparently they also sometimes play in bands.

October 25: Shark Awareness Day

  • 625 - Pope Boniface V eaten by a blue shark.
  • 1147 - The Portuguese, under Afonso I, and Crusaders from England conquer Lisbon after a four-month siege. They decide to celebrate by going for a swim, and then all get eaten by tiger sharks.
  • 1946 - The secret vote was held by the British parliament to enact the 1946 Gay and Lesbian Slavery Act.
  • 1977 - Renegade child eats dozens of sharks at Miami Beach. Panicked King Tritan declares State of Emergency and suspends Civil Liberties.
  • 1979 - Greenpeace activist dies after trying to train the first vegetarian shark.
  • 1994 - Vincent Price's tomb found empty and a series of bizarre murders occur. Sharks are prime suspects.
  • 1997 - Charge of the White Van Men, an infamous fight during the Battle of Balaclava.
  • 2006 - All travel to Australia banned; shark eats young child at beach.
  • 2008 - I could not find my keys. Sharks were to blame.

Picture of the day

Mono Lisa
 DaVinci's Hewlett-Packard printer was to be the undoing of his most famous work, resulting in what art scholars have termed the "Mono Lisa."


Hewlett Packard were unavailable for comment as the CEO was busy discussing a merger with Ferrari to create the world's first petrol powered printer.
DaVinci is said to be in a closed door meeting with Dan Brown to discuss the implications of this event.
Image credit: Nonymous
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