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From today's featured article

Hey kid! Come on over here. I wanna tell you a story.

No, don't you keep walking. Get over here. Your mommy's gonna be a while in there, I can tell. I saw what she had for lunch.

Don't worry, you can trust me. I got a nice honest face, don't I?

Oh, I just want to tell you about what I sacrificed for your freedom.

You see, son, I come from harder times. Back in the day, Uncle Sam could send you where ever he wanted whenever he wanted. And that's what he done to me. I went to go fight for my country without complaint. Lost both my legs over in 'Nam. Then they spit me right out on the streets right out of the hospital and I had no money. I didn't get no medals. I didn't get no "thank you." I didn't get SHIT. (Full article...)

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Did you know...

... that 10 minutes of Super Bowl XLIII was mysteriously interrupted? (Pictured)

... that forgetting to carry the one is the leading cause of disaster for world domination plans?
... that the first use of "LOL" is in Shakespeare's play, As You Like It, and that the first use of "OMG" may be found in Macbeth?
... that the song "Harder Better Faster Stronger" by Daft Punk is a giant "That's what she said" joke?
... that testicles are edible and a good source of protein?
... that Bruce Lee could juggle two balls with his penis?
... that pillow fighting is a violent trend among the world's pillow population, and must be stopped?
...that if you say peacock, no one bats an eye, but if you say poop cock, everyone blows their minds?

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In the news

Taylor Swift buys back her masters
"Real" Timothee Chalamet at 2024 look-alike contest actually Finn Wolfhard
Qatar personally gifts Trump a plane
Austria wins Eurovision (Pictured)
MLB welcomes cheaters and pedophiles into HOF
New cast and plotlines announced for longest running Filipino sitcom
BREAKING: NEW POPE ALERT!!!
Trump: "You're not the boss of me now and you're not so big."
Phil Collins comes out of retirement after wank
PBS and NPR to lose funding
Spain and Portugal experience a country-wide blackout
Sportswriter Leon Sandcastle gives his two cents on NFL draftee Shedeur Sanders's draft slide
Trump believes that 200 countries negotiated trade deals with him
Man delivers profound philosophical speech about elephants during his sojourn at the zoo
Upcoming South Park season will be Canadian
World shocked as Pope Francis kicks bucket (This is not a drill!)
- Chris Rock will succeed him in new comedy Head of Church

Ongoing: Eurovision • The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, TAWOG, and Deltarune • Russian Invasion • Israel-Palestine conflict • DOGE budget cuts • Trump and Xi's tariff games • The IRS hunting late tax payers

Recent deaths: Ruth Buzzi • LeBron James' playoff run • Night Court • Lopez vs Lopez • Jayson Tatum's Achilles and Boston Celtics' repeat hopes • George Wendt • Updates for Mortal Kombat 1 • Rick Derringer

Upcoming deaths: DEI • Google's ad monopoly • Cleveland Browns' locker room • LeBron James' career • Diddy's and Chris Brown's chances at freedom • Tom Cruise's career of sprinting on-screen

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On this day

May 31: "Stop the Devil's Handshakes with a Bowlful of Cornflakes" Day

1584 - Martin Frobisher sails from England to Frobisher Bay, Canada. He is stunned to find somewhere he's never been named after himself.
1830 - The first cigarettes are introduced and are approved by the Surgeon General as a treatment for pink lung disease.
1884 - John Harvey Kellogg, after seeing a field of corn covered in flakes of snow, patents yogurt enemas and pornflakes. (Pictured)
1924 - The Soviet Union signs an agreement with the Chinese government, designating Outer Mongolia as One of the funniest place-names in the world.
1945 - Babe Ruth, in the heat of the game, kills the umpire, and is given a stern warning.
1961 - Scientists release research confirming anchovies are more at home in tomato sauce than water.
1974 - Syria and Israel sign an accord to resolve the hostilities over who gets first dibs on "Kojak" re-runs.

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Picture of the day

Looking for protection for your stallion? Safe sex whilst getting your oats? Look no further than Trojan Horse condoms. For the serious rider. Available in "Large", "Extra Large" and "Ouch!".

Image credit: sannse
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