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From today's featured article
Commercial Conformity Period, branded as CCP; is a period of time, likened by many to Christmas but with that 'Marks and Spencer' feel, officially branded as "Christmas: Now with less guilt-inducing religiosity", this year sponsored by Argos™. Lasting from August 25th until an abrupt end on December 26th, people are forced, by the power of guilt, to purchase overpriced novelty gifts which are generally only used one day in the year before they either break or are placed at the back of the wardrobe and never spoken of again.
During Commercial Conformity Period, it is tradition to adorn one's house with pieces of card, which are pegged on an indoor washing line before later being recycled as shopping lists. It is also customary to purchase a plastic imitation tree and place it in the middle of the front room with some of the branches obstructing the television in order to achieve a general atmosphere of dread to enforce upon one's relatives.
Whilst the more wealthy and environmentally friendly opt to use a genuine ten foot fir, beech or palm tree, most households own a ceremonial yucca plant which is taken from the attic each year and placed on the kitchen table. This negates the problem of picking pine needles out of one's feet, hands and ears in January, though is less effective in injuring less popular family members. (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... that Albert Einstein's likeness has been used to sell pornography? (Pictured)
- ... that this is why we can't have nice things?
- ... that Alaska's principle exports include snow, ice, frozen water, and permafrost?
- ... that Deus ex machina is Latin for "cop out"?
- ... that while most Popes don't shit in the woods, sometimes bears are Catholic?
- ... that you can always pay your credit card bills using your credit card?
- ... that Minecraft developers are flat earthers?
- ... that a very large number of events, both noteworthy and non-noteworthy, occurred in 1993?
In the news
- Dick Van Dyke is 100, bitches! (Pictured)
- ICE spotted stealing everyone's ice cream in America
- North Sentinelese discover fire, accidentally burn down entire island
- Elon Musk: "Cancel Netflix! I don't care if Max wakes up."
- 6 or 7 buildings burn in Hong Kong
- Labour approval hits record low during Starmer premiership, PM resorts to "getting down with the youth"
- The New York Yankees now fucking suck
- Russian ship shines annoying red laser pointer at British planes
- Ron DeSantis passes Florida bill allowing seniors to hunt zoomers for their skin and organs
- Russian economy on life support after barely growing in 3rd quarter
- The UK to ban the resale of tickets
- Bill passed in Pennsylvania to legalise flying cars because why the fuck not?
- Trump kills the penny after realizing spending four cents on a one cent coin doesn’t "make cents"
- Russian AI powered humanoid robot faceplants on stage in front of crowd
- Syrian National Museum gets robbed of six to seven Roman statues
- Cloudy windy Hurricane Melissa hits da Jamaica, mon! BOMBOCLAAT!
Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 volume 2 and Spaceballs 2 • The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince • Rich New Yorkers fleeing Mamdanistan • Larry Sanger's war on Wikipedia • Non-Bears invading Tennessee • Indianapolis Colts dragging an old man out of retirement • Ravens fans hiding in a corner after yet another choke
Recent deaths: The penny • Udo Kier • Jimmy Cliff • Warner Bros. • Sheen Estevez • Chet Ubetcha • Doug Dimmadome • Zed's dead, baby (He was also the bad guy in The Mask) • Animal Farm • Kansas City Chiefs' season • Rob Reiner • Bowen Yang's tenure on SNL • Dallas Cowboys' season • Patrick Mahomes' backup's ACL
Upcoming deaths: Eurovision Song Contest • DEI • Iran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account • MSNBC • Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Indianapolis Colts' and Baltimore Ravens' seasons • Weed • 67% of people trying to understand why 6 of 7 news stories mention "6-7" • The MetroCard • Dick van Dyke, eventually • 2025
On this day
December 24: The Day Before the Day After Christmas Eve
- 4 AD - Some smelly Middle-eastern refugee takes shelter in a poo-littered barn, gives birth to an anchor baby.
- 1877 - Christmas Island is discovered and named "Christmas Island", to the surprise of the Christmas Islanders.
- 1814 - The U.S. and the U.K. sign the Treaty of Ghent, ending the War of 1812, after the two sides discovered that it was in fact 1814.
- 1914 - During WWI, German and British troops take a break from murdering each other to celebrate another year of shitting in trenches and dying of diptheria.
- 1945 - Five children disappear in a West Virginia house fire: their remains are later found and used as crass Halloween decorations.
- 1968 - The crew of Apollo 8, the first mission to orbit the Moon, realize they left their presents back on Earth.
Picture of the day
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Artist representation of the famous Charge of the Chainsaw Brigade, a pivotal moment on the road to victory which demonstrated the wisdom of bringing Canadian lumberjacks into the war. Image credit: Asahatter |
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