Jake Roberts
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NOT SAFE FOR PLANES!! |
| The snake you are looking at may not be plane safe! If Samuel L. Jackson saw this, claim that he did not look like a bitch. Otherwise, continue to read it until your serpentine urges are sated. Or not. |
“Hulk Hogan's 24 inch pythons are a joke compared to my snake”
“I like penis”
Jake "The Huge Cock Snake" Roberts was conceived through a laboratory accident that happened in the 1950's while looking for a cure for Tarter Control. After the lab explosion, standing before the group of college med students; was a fully grown man, with a long black mullet, a Super Mario style mustache, leotards for clothing, an oiled up hairy chest, and the world's longest penis known to exist in the Northern Hemisphere. The group of scientists did not know what else to do other than to panic, in which one of the students went into hysterics as they did back in the 1950's, when Sci-Fi and Horror Movies had not been invented yet to warn people not to throw shit at people who appear out of nowhere in a cloud of smoke. The scared student used the only chemical in the place left, after the explosion took out everything else, to throw at Jake. Jake just casually caught the chemical in its jar with his bare hands, looked at it, and it read "D.D.T" -. Jake grinned and looked at the scared shitless, little punk and calmly said in a raspy voice, "I'll give you a damn DDT" and proceeded to grab the young man in a headlock by wrapping his penis around his neck, and then crushed the dweebs forehead into the floor with the power of his penis alone.
The other two students tried to run away, but Jake tied a noose in the end of his penis, swung it around his head a few times, and cattle caught the two fleeing wimps around their necks, and dragged them back to him, where he proceeded to rub his testicles to turn himself on, which lead to the suffocation of both science students. Jake was arrested and spent twenty years behind bars, where he was rehabilitated into a professional wrestler, naturally. During his time in prison, Jake gave himself the name of Jake Roberts after his favorite TV star on "Jake and The Fatman", and his excessive masturbation addiction over pictures of Julia Roberts. He was then released in 1980 under probation to the WWF where they recruit most of their Wrestling Superstars from.
Wrasslin' Career[edit | edit source]
World-Wildlife & Wrestling Founderation[edit | edit source]
Jake found himself working for the WWF, where he was allowed to wrestle on the then monthly show "Superstars" that was Vince McMahon's way of raising money for all the animals the WWF owned. At the time, there was a large shortage of pandas as the species was dying off slowly and the WWF had to venture into wrestling to help raise money for the wildlife animals of the world. The contract Jake signed stated that provided he had cleaned up all the animal's cages and given them fresh water each day at the wildlife preservation, (and didn't strangle anyone with his penis), he would be allowed access to the monthly wrestling show to become a superstar.
Jake agreed to the conditions, and had his first match in 1981 against Ron Jeremy in the first ever WWF 'Right To Look Like Super Mario' match. This ended as a count out after both men got boners during the course of the match, preventing both participants from being able to get back into the ring. The match ended in a draw, and were both allowed to keep their Mario-like appearances.
Jake started to become a popular name on WWF TV and Home Video, making a big name for himself. His matches would often consist of him walking out the ring with his penis in a bag, laying it under a turnbuckle, and proceeding to beat down his opponent. When called for, he would release his penis from the bag and threaten to insert it into his victim's anus, which often resulted in his opponents running away in fear from the sheer sight of the monster python.
Jake enjoyed a good run for a few years. One of his rivals was The Honky Tonk Man, which Jake had Alice "From The Brady Bunch" Cooper in his corner for no apparent reason whatsoever at Wrestlefakia 3 (in which Jake won the contest). He then had a larger rivalry with the Coke machine outside a hotel room one night when Jake proceeded to beat the crap out of the machine and dropped DDT on it when it supposedly ate his quarter and wouldn't give it back. It was during 1988, however, when he began a feud with a then WWF employee named "The Nacho Man" Fred Savage, that Jake had the most difficult fight of his career. The two were booked into a match to settle their scores at the '88 MacGyver Series'. When this match took place, seven minutes into the match the Nacho Man's wife and manager, Queen Elizabeth tried to use the dirty tactic of running into the ring whilst the referee's back was turned. However, her attack was countered by a suspicious Jake, who ducked out of the way and she hit The Nacho Man, sending him back into the ropes causing his arms to get tangled in the them. With a helpless Nacho Man all tied up, Jake proceeded to get the bag his penis was in, and scare The Nacho Man into submission. Once Jake had pulled his penis out of the bag, Queen Elizabeth got out of the ring as fast as she could, and could only stand by and watch as Jake tormented Savage with his incredibly huge penis. It was at this time that the crowed began to cheer and wanted Jake to stop taunting people with his penis, and go ahead and use it. So much adrenaline was running through Jake that he forgot that his contract stated that he must not stick his penis in anyone's butt hole during matches. Jake then proceeded to let his penis drop to the floor, and slither its way up the Nacho Mans tights and work it's way up his leg to his butt. Within moments Elizabeth was breaking down into tears, and thousands of horrified fans watched on as Jake took away the Nacho Man's manhood on live television. The match was stopped and Jake was disqualified.
Jake was fired by the WWF for this act, and sent back to prison. Randy Savage spent six months recovering in hospital, learning how to walk again, and once the physiotherapy was complete, Savage was back in the WWF offices asking for a grudge match against Jake Roberts for his manhood back. Jake was happy to accept the challenge, and was released on bail for one day to compete for the WWF at the 1989 PPV "In Your Ass". Savage would get his victory against Jake by using a battering ram to insert up Jake's rectum after Jake fell asleep from boredom after a promo between Hulk Hogan & The Ultimate Warrior. Jake tried to claim it was not a fair fight, as he wasn't even awake for it, but never got his chance of revenge on the Nacho Man. And spent the next seven years back in his cell.
E.C F'n W[edit | edit source]
Promoter for Extreme Championshit and Fuck-you-in-ass-hardcore-style wrestling, Paul Gayman wanted to start using more established wrestling superstars who had penises the world had seen before, to attract more attention to his company. He negotiated a contract with the WWF to buy Jake from them. He was given to the ECW in exchange for Ron Simmons and a pack of chewing gum. Jake was now part of the ECF'nW roster. Jake's first match was against the seven foot tall, Super Mario Look-a-Like named 911 in another 'Right To Look Like Super Mario' style match, but under extreme rules. Jake won the battle and 911 was forced to shave of his mustache, which he did, and 911 was never seen in ECW ever again. Jake was doing alright for himself in the ring, still giving his signature short arm clotheslines, and knocking people out with a DDT. But it was felt Jake needed to come up with a more extreme move to impress the hardcore fans. Jake came up with an idea that was dubbed the "Pogo Stick", in which Jake would work up a boner, use it to catapult himself to the rafter, then cum so he would go soft again, tie it around a pole holding the catwalk up, then bungee jump back down to the ring for a huge body splash that would spring him back up to deliver another one or two, body splashes. The move was absolutely amazing and considered the greatest finishing move in professional sports entertainment history. But Jake was forced to stop preforming the move because it was making his colleague Rob Van Dam's five star frog splash look like shit. Jake never could come up with another extreme move, and fans grew tired of the simple DDT finisher. And Jake was released from the company back to his cell.[1]
Beyond The Penis[edit | edit source]
During the time Jake was employed with ECF'nW, a camera crew was following around some mediocre names of the Wrestling business for a documentary called, "Beyond The Penis: The Life Of Wrestlers With Extremely Large Dicks" and with Jake having the biggest of all, they where eager to have him be apart of it. After the documentary was released, people saw a side of Jake they had never known. The man always seemed together, but the documentary showed the sadness that he had never been around to help raise his daughter 'Brandy Orton Roberts'. Footage from the documentary reveals the conflicts between the two, as Jake wishes he could speak to her, but his penis is too long it prevents him from getting within thirty feet of her, as she too has a similarly large genetic inheritance in her DNA gene pool.
Drugs, Depression & Alcohol[edit | edit source]
Being stuck in a cell once again, and the spotlight of his wrestling fame dimmed. Jake turned to drugs in hopes he could make his penis smaller, so that one day he could get close enough to his daughter to hug her, as she refused to diet. No drugs seemed to work for Jake and he fell into a dark depression, and has become an alcoholic to escape his pain. To this day, Jake is still in hopes that a cure can be found for people who have incredibly enormous penis'. Jake was offered a small, or should say, large role in the 2008 remake of Tarzan where the stage designers wanted to use Jake's penis as a vine in the movie for Tarzan to swing from tree to tree on, but Jake turned the offer down. It is a sad story of what the once legendary wrestler's life has become.
You Can Help Jake Find A Cure[edit | edit source]
Jake still hopes and preys that one day a cure can be found, and asks for your contribution to help raise money for the funds at his website: Jake-Don't-Want-His-Snake-Anymore.com
Please find it in your hearts to give generously to this worthy cause.
In wrestling[edit | edit source]
- Finishing moves
- D.D.T: Jake will take his opponent in a headlock with his penis wrapped around there neck, then drop the opponents forehead into the floor.
- Signature moves
- Short Arm Clothesline': Jake will take his opponent in an arm lock, and proceed to bitch slap then with the knob of his penis.
- Snake Venom: Jake would blind his opponents for a few minutes with a single cum shot.
- Shoulder Tap: this was not so much a move, as more a distraction. Jake would have his penis crawl up behind them and tap them on the shoulder, when they turned to see who was there, Jake would then attack the blindsided wrestler.
- Cock Chops: Jake would have his opponent stuck in the corner, Jake would then climb on his opponent to the second rope, pull out his penis and slap it either across the face or the chest of his opponents, ten times as the crowed counted along with each blow delivered.
- Choke Em' Cowboy (illegal move): Jake will tie a noose in the end of his penis and throw it around an opponents neck. Jake will then stimulate himself and choke out his victim as the blood rushes into his penis.
- Pogo Stick To Body Splash: Jake would give himself a full boner, and proceed to use it as a pogo stick to reach the rafter or ceiling of the building. He would then make his penis soft again, tie it to something that will hold his weight, and proceed to bungee jump back to the ring onto his laying opponent for a repeated body splash.
- Get Over Here: Jake would sometimes throw the knob of his penis at an opponents chest, the knob of his penis would be covered in pre-cum that would act as a sticking substance, Jake would then pull his penis back to him with his opponent still attached yelling the words, "Get Over Here", "Come'ere" or "Toasty" that would often result in Jake then giving a nasty uppercut that knocked opponents right out of the ring.
- Death By Erection: Jake would squeeze the end two feet of his knob, and tie it in a knot so that the erection was only in the last two feet of his penis. He would place it like a spike on the ground and proceed to DDT his opponents mouth over the whole shaft. Often resulting in his opponents head shattering open, eyes popping out and choking to death as he laid there impaled over the end of Jake's penis.
Footnotes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ In 2009, a rumor has been circulating that Jake's Snake will be honored into the 2011 WWE Hall Of Shame. However, it is still unknown with speculations pointing to negative that Jake will be inducted as well.
External links[edit | edit source]
- "You want to play 21, I got 22. You want to play blackjack, I got two of those too."
- That's... a little odd.
- Um... I don't think this is part of the show anymore...
- The Iron Sheik on Jake "the Snake" Roberts
- Honky Tonk Man on Jake "the Snake" Roberts
