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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

Your Quaint, Middle-Class Home - Dude, I hate having to be the one to tell you this, but your entire family was killed. I didn't know how to tell you, so I wrote an article on a humor wiki about it. What a shame that I didn't have the courage to tell you face to face, but I hope you find this Uncyclopedia article before you get home, otherwise, things could get a little awkward. Before you get all emotional, let me tell you how it happened, and why you shouldn't press charges. Listen to me, okay? Stop crying like a girl and let me talk.

Everything has to come to an end sometime. Remember when I accidentally killed your gopher? Well, this is sorta like that, except that, instead of a gopher, it was your entire family.

Oh man, I am so, so sorry. See? Don't you feel better now that I apologized?

I hope you weren't too attached to them. They were, according to local sources, being whiny little bitches before they were executed. It's not your fault; your long family history of playing the victim is likely genetic. What could you possibly do? Don't you worry though; I'm still here to help you through this. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that the Easter Bunny must kill every 100 years? (Pictured)

... that Michael Jackson should have had more apples to keep his doctor away?
... that contrary to popular belief, popular belief isn't all that popular?
... that we must nuke the whales, or the hippies will win?
... that bipolar bears are not to be messed with, more-so than polar bears?
... that the light at the end of the tunnel is commonly reported to be a strobe light accented with techno?
... that if you were to stack up all the elephants on Earth, those elephants would die?
... that Stan Lee originally conceived the X-Men as a group of post-op transgenders?

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In the news [edit]

Donald Trump is the first convicted President of the United States

Canadian NHL team once again blows chance to win Stanley Cup. In other news, water is wet.
The Kremlin: Vladimir Putin "totally didn't participate in a Pride parade, nothing to see here.."
Donald Trump found GUILTY ON ALL CHARGES (Pictured), soon to debut "prison orange" business suit
Antarctica becomes embroiled in upside-down flag controversy
Michael Jackson comes back to life
Justin Bieber gives birth to a baby, baby, baby, oooh
Switzerland wins Eurovision
- Netherlands disqualified in final shocker
YouTube is dead
D.C. stink-bombed by Jihadists and Nazis
Colombia Protests Exclusion from Eurovision; Britney Joins in Support
Ship captain who wrecked Baltimore bridge defeated by Upstate New York bridge
NFL imposes speed limit and bans trick plays
Forecast calls for a leapin' Lousy Smarch weather
Larry David gets Hinkled by Anti-Israel Protesters
Taylor Swift's favorite NFL team wins rigged Super Bowl, big whoop
Elon Musk plants brain chip into first human guinea pig

Ongoing: Russian Invasion · Drake-Kendrick Lamar feud · Israel-Hamas conflict
Recent deaths: Richard M. Sherman (Disney songwriter) · Doug Ingle · Bill Walton · The NBA logo guy · Willie Mays ·Donald Sutherland
Upcoming deaths: Jimmy Carter · Vladimir Putin · Richard Simmons · Kate Middleton · Market demand for Tesla cars · Drake's sanity

Who the fuck knows?: Noam Chomsky

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On this day [edit]

June 27: Atheists Using Mithraism as an Argument Against the Existence of a Historical Jesus Day

476 - Odoacer sacks Rome in response to not being invited to the Senate's toga party.
1617 - The Hapsburg Dynasty is created after the 1st Dynasty Warriors set in feudal Austria.
1992 - Fedor Emelianenko defeats Terrorism at a twenty minute decision in PRIDE.
1974 - U.S. President Richard Nixon visits the Soviet Union, is inspired by the Potemkin village to invent the State of Massachusetts.
1976 - The Farrah flip-falls out of style in most Middle Eastern countries, except strangely in Oman.
1980 - Freddie Mercury finally gets to ride his bicycle.
2004 - Krispy Kreme invents the first Glazed atom bomb, but fat hungry people lick all the glaze off.

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Picture of the day

...the Hundred Acre Wood-wide police crackdown netted Piglet, shown here in his mugshot after being charged with vagrancy, operating a wheelbarrow while intoxicated, hunting woozles without a licence, smuggling of unpasteurized honey across state lines...

Image credit: Modusoperandi
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