UnNews:Lousy Smarch weather in the forecast

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“If we make it through Smarch, everything will be alright I know.”

~ Merle Haggard
Citizens are advised to not enter any spacetime tears they may stumble upon, lest they disappear into fat air.

Thursday, February 29, 2024

Astronomers from Tacoma to Vladivostok have just reported a disturbance in the fabric of spacetime, causing all kinds of strange anomalies and throwing the world into an area outside of linear time that experts are simply calling "Smarch".

"I'm coming to you live here from the timeless abyss on this beautiful Smarch morning," reported Punxsutawney weatherman Phil Connors. "This is unlike anything I've ever seen in my career. Well, one time sort of comes to mind. We're seeing things straight out of that twilight-y show about that zone. We can expect cosmic oddities to occur all around us in the foreseeable future - whatever 'future' even means now - followed by a light snowfall on Friday."

A few of the anomalies witnessed thus far have been floating math equations and murderous shapes spilling out of the lousy third dimension, including cubes the size of gorillas, dead vengeful groundskeepers haunting children in their dreams with skeleton power, and giant advertising mascots coming to life and wreaking havoc. (Although upon further investigation, that last one has since been discovered to be merely a new emerging symptom of late-stage capitalism.) Outside of these tangible and quasi-tangible threats, calendars no longer hold any meaning, potentially throwing civilization into chaos. Halloween can't decide if it wants to happen in October or November. One father Kirk Van Houten expressed concern that his son Milhouse would be eating two spaghetti meals in one day.

Physicists have been studying gravitational flow to see if there's a chance to snap back to reality. They've determined not to give up that easy. At one point trying to restart linear time, they managed capture one moment, but they let it slip, so it was back to the lab again.

That wheelchair guy could not be reached for comment, on account of being dead.

It looks as though we're going to be stuck in Smarch for awhile, so we have no choice but to weather it. In order to recreate some semblance of real world again, the best advice is to enjoy some erotic cakes, as long as you do not touch Willie.

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