Smarchmareenmas!
Smarchmareenmas! (also 'The late squirrel festival', 'Nut joy' and 'The savior of spring') is a worldwide holiday and period of feasting intended to commemorate the end of winter and the start of spring. It is no longer as widely celebrated as it once was, owing primarily to the festival colliding both philosophically and chronologically with the more highly observed roman catholic period known as Lent.
Origins[edit | edit source]
As is the case with all Non-theological holidays, the origins of Smarchmareenmas! are the subject of some debate. However despite this, there is consensus among both ancient historians and their modern counterparts that the holidays origins are related to the unusual habits of the eastern Grey squirrel. Specifically it is noted that while most forms of squirrel are known to store food in the form of acorns, nuts and the occasional rice krispie cake for the winter, some squirrels start to gather food at an earlier time than others and some squirrels have more storage capacity in their nests. This, naturally, leads to a severely uneven distribution of food amongst the squirrel population by mid-February and can lead to squirrel violence as food becomes more scarce (owing to late starts, smaller nests and general decadence and hedonism on the part of the squirrels). Squirrels, like humans, cannot predict the forthcoming end of winter without groundhogs and so it only when the end of winter is clearly observed by the squirrels that still possess food, that the food can be safely given away. It is this sudden influx of readily available food, as well as the increase in ambient temperature that allows the squirrel to leave their nests for longer periods, that functions as the principal catalyst for the global acceptance that spring has come.
Differing Viewpoints[edit | edit source]
Whilst the fact of the above is undeniable, the crossover from observed animal behavior and recognized worldwide celebration in humankind is broken into two main schools of thought:-
Observant Smarchmareenmas[edit | edit source]
Observant Smarchmareens (singular: Smarchmarin) have adopted the viewpoint that the origin of the story is based on human observance of squirrel behavior. Squirrels were known to hibernate at the time (something they no longer do as a direct result of the general woodland strike of 1911) and therefore the reemergence of squirrels would be an omen of the end of winter, wherein people would also feel more able to spread the remaining food out, provoking a period of great excess that later became a tradition in the style of many pagan traditions such as harvest.
Orthodox Smarchmareenmas[edit | edit source]
Orthodox Smarchmareenos (singular: Smarchist) have widely ridiculed the concept that the simple reemergence of squirrels into western woodland areas would be cause for celebration. They point out that, as of 2009, only four squirrels have chosen to hibernate during the winter months with all four occurrences ending in lengthy legal proceedings (see Squirrelkind v. Lazy Steve). Instead, they hold the belief that it was the squirrels themselves who started the tradition and that it was one squirrel named Unicron who took the proposal for a united celebration to Pope Clement VI in 1345, with the proposal that in exchange the squirrels would celebrate All saints day on November 1st each year. This was accepted, but it quickly became obvious that people were not celebrating Smarchmareenmas! as it repeatedly fell within the bounds of Lent or Holy week. This situation worsened when Unicrons leaf raft capsized on his return to the Americas and he was never found. However, it was also observed by Unicrons successor, Starscream, that most squirrels did not seem to care about All Saints day, and the temporary alliance quickly fell apart. Instead Starscream and his servants returned to the Old World, and began uniting villages throughout the winter of 1352 to celebrate the festival, converting most of northern France in less than 3 days. Most of Europe followed in the years that passed. Until the squirrels had become so influential and so respected by the end of the 15th century that most western European sovereign states had commissioned great explorers to travel west to the New world to escape the inevitable Coup that many predicted was coming. However, this was a futile exercise as Christopher Columbus discovered upon his arrival that the squirrels were far greater on this side of the Atlantic than they ever would be back home. This naturally led to a period of acceptance within the human community and most of the eastern world followed suit in the years that passed after this.
Unlike the more moderate Observant Smarchmareens, the Orthodox Smarchmareenos are somewhat ridiculed for their beliefs. Primarily because the explanation as to how Humankind (with the notable exception of Native Americans) were introduced to the squirrels prior to the Establishment of European colonies in the Americas does not stand up to scrutiny. This was proven in 1905, when Dutch Explorers tested the ability for squirrels to cross the Atlantic on leaf rafts. Thousands upon thousands of Grey squirrels were placed into individual leaf rafts and set sail on July 12, 1905 from the coast of South Carolina. As of February 2009, none have arrived in Europe. One however is believed to have requested access to the panama canal in the early 90's. But this was denied due to inadequate paperwork.
A certain number of Orthodox Smarchmareenos (generally those on the north coast of Cornwall and on Christmas Island) believe that the founder of Smarchmareenmas!, Unicron, was pulled from the Pacific several weeks after his leaf raft capsized by an independent sailor (or Pirate) Captain Fluffly de Truro, who despite his name was the most feared Pirate of the time. Unicron had survived by attracting seagulls with his bushy tail and clawing the buggers to death when they came too close. They believe that Captain de Truro took pity on Unicron and offered him safe passage back to Britain. However on the way, less than 4 nautical miles from Penzance, the ship and all on it perished when it was attacked by a mass gathering of malicious seagulls, angry at Unicron's use of them as food.
Traditions[edit | edit source]
Smarchmareenmas!, regardless of the beliefs that drive it, is widely recognized as a time of great celebration and considerable excess. In modern times it is associated with exotic (in some cases bizarre and frightening) foods, lavish expenditure on and consumption of alcohol and is normally the first celebration of the year to have a distinctly outside element to it. It is traditional to serve Smarchmareenmas! punch at any celebratory gathering. The recipe is a closely guarded secret but is thought mainly to consist of the liquid from glow sticks and a shot of vodka. The original recipe, dating from c. 120bc included fairy tears in place of vodka. For a few years in the late 50's fairy tears was mistranslated and people used a shot of fairy liquid. This lead to the Smarchmareenmas riots of 59 where fairy became a scarce commodity resulting in chaos not unlike the cabbage patch riots. The British Government had to call for peace and with a backhand payment from Russian distilleries, recommended that fairy tears/fairy liquid be replaced by vodka. This move shored up the Russian economy sufficiently that they could afford their little "beach paradise" in Cuba, later sparking the Cuban missile crisis of '62.
Due to the non-unified beliefs in its origins, the traditions are along two schemes of thought. In the first there is a very strong natural theme, acorns are traditionally served and squirrels are openly allowed freedom to dwell in and around houses throughout. How ever the more common practice is to simply embrace that the miserable winter has passsed and celebrate in the most lavish way that the individuals conceive, it is for this reason that Smarchmareens generally have thinking sessions prior to the party, in the hope that their combined imaginations produce more fruit than any individual mind would.
Smarchmareenmas! Around the world[edit | edit source]
Naturally Smarchmareenos are keen to point out that where there are gray squirrels, there will be smarchmareenmas parties and they will all be the same. This of course is the subject of no-debate. Everyone thinks that is bullshit, everyone.
Europe
Red squirrels, as known communists, do not hibernate. They also do not collect nuts for winter, as they are provided with 2 nuts a day, every day, in exchange for total and absolute loyalty to Max Von Sydow. Some red squirrels have been observed covering themselves in cement dust and trying to pass themselves off as gray squirrels, however they usually turned into statues when it rains.
Due to the introduction of squirrels to Australia last week (10/02/2009 by Jeff) Smarchmareenmas! cannot be celebrated to its fullest. A low population of squirrels means that celebrators of the Squirrel festival have to dress wombats as squirrels. (Koalas can be used but only if drugged during the dressing up process, violent Buggers).
Patrons of Smarchmareenmas![edit | edit source]
Bob Holness Bob Holness (also known as Bob his Holiness or Bob Wholeness) is a widely recognised patron of Smarchmareenmas! in the UK and his native South Africa. This has been going on since the late 80's when, alledgedly, Bob Holness was the person that stopped fellow UK game show presenter William G Stewart from throwing a large sack of grey squirrels into a woodchipper. This led to grey squirrel fans proclaiming him to be divine by nature and led to his association with Smarchmareenmas!