UnNews:Pope Benedict declares 2013 a leap year

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

29 February 2013

Leap Day 2013: Approved by the Amphibious Pope.

Having power over time is not an easy job to give up.

VATICAN CITY, Earth -- Pope Benedict XVI was going to officially resign yesterday, as he had promised to get out by the end of the month. However, he realized he wasn't quite ready to go. For one thing, he still hadn't finished packing all his things. Secondly, he didn't really take the time to savor his last moments as the holiest living human being all of existence who isn't named Jesus.

"Well, screw it," he declared. "I guess I'll just say another day. No biggie."

Unfortunately, as Vatican authorities pointed out, it was somewhat of a biggie. Technically, he declared that he was leaving by the end of the month, making it a holy bidding contract with humanity that he couldn't break as the infallible Pope. Even if he waited it out until March 1, when he was no longer the Pope, his presence on the throne would still break his oral contract retroactively.

Thus, he put on his thinking mitre and cooked up with the most brilliant loop hole in four centuries: Pope Benedict added an extra day to the end of February, making 2013 a leap year for the sake of convenience.

When anyone asked if he could do that, the cardinals answered, uh, yeah, the Pope is the only person on Earth with the authority to change the calendar by decree. It was Pope Gregory XIII who altered the Julian calender of ancient Rome to correctly calculate leap years, creating the modern calender used by most of the world. One wonders who in their right mind would want to give up this kind of power just because they're decrepit? One final parting shred of evidence that Pope Benedict is insane.

Draped in a blue and yellow ceremonial yet casual outfit, the Pope issued a papal bull laying out his plans. "So, yeah, I appreciate what you're all doing for me, but I'm going to stay one more day. Also, it's a leap year now. Go forth and use your extra-extra day wisely. Take a leap; real life is for March." It actually sounded far more eloquent in Latin. He ended the charter by quoting the passage from the book of Joshua telling the story of how God made the sun stand still to give the Israelites an extra day to avenge their enemies. He then handed it to an Archbishop, stating in his best Patrick Stewart impression, "Make it so," before going back to his bed chambers.

Adding an extra day to the calendar was his last official act as Pope, since doing something completely asinine, self-serving, and discommoding to everyone outside of the Vatican is the perfect representation of his legacy.

While the Pope sits back and enjoys the papal equivalent of the last day of school where none of the teachers or kids do dick, the consequences of it now being a leap year for the rest of us are as followed:

• Rather than the Gregorian calendar being one quarter of a day behind the solar year, the Benedictionary calendar is now three quarters of a day ahead of it, leaving many astronomers of the world überpissed. Taking this into account, Benedict declared that 2016 will not be a leap year, which opens up a whole 'nother can of worms.

• The calendar industrial complex took a hit when obsolete 2013 calendars around the world were recalled. Most calendar industries will send out an order of revised calendars by Easter, while many others have simply cut costs by removing January and February on the 2014 calendars and changed the 4 to a 3 with white-out.

• Leap babies will immediately lose three years of planning for a birthday party that will now most likely blow chunks. Fortunately, they've gain seven years to plan the best freaking birthday party ever for Leap Day 2020 - a Saturday. Unless they die at some point in this span of time, as many of them will, in which case they're up shit creek without a paddle.

• The 2016 Summer Olympics will be held this August, leaving Brazil only a little more than five months to slap it together. Fortunately, most of the world wasn't really expecting much from Brazil, while the nation's inhabitants themselves are predominantly devout Catholics and are morally obligated to not be angry at the Pope.

• Unfortunately, the athletes will not get off the hook so easily. With only a few months to train, the steroid industry is now booming. The ever stressed-out International Olympic Committee has chosen to look the other way, declaring, "Nothing counts on Leap Day."

• Republicans rejoiced when they realized that Obama's presidency could be cut short with another presidential election. Mitt Romney was digging in his trouser pockets to summon up some quick cash for another campaign when these high hopes were smashed almost immediately. Former representative Ron Paul came out of his underground retirement/economic collapse bunker and pointed out that the United States Constitution is more binding than the calendar and even time itself.

• 30 Rock fans, red eyed from a month of crying over the series finale, have new reason to celebrate: Leap Day is back! Time to break out the blue and yellow, as Leap Day William will surely leap out of the Mariana Trench and trade those tears for candy.

This kind old man has seen many Popes and experienced far more Leap Days than you can count. Kenneth Parcell, that is.

• Black History Month is prolonged for an extra day, giving American school kids an extra day to learn about some of the more obscure figures in black history, such as John Adams Wittler, the inventor of grape jam.

• Subway's FebruANY footlong sandwich deal has also been expanded for one more day. How is this linked to black history? If National Sandwich Month has taught us anything, it's that sandwiches are of equal importance to black people in America.

Sources

• Rachel Donadio "Benedict Formally Post-Pones The End of His Papacy" The New York Times, February 28, 2013

• David Willey "The day Benedict XVI's papacy didn't ended and the day it did" BBC News, February 28, 2013