UnNews:Daylight Savings Time falls back ten days
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
29 February 2013
WASHINGTON D.C. -- In a daring new plan to stimulate the still-struggling economy, President Barack "Gregory XIII" Obama announced that Daylight Saving Time will be pushed back ten days for extra sunlight. At this point, it's probably safe to assume that the government is out of ideas and that the United States of America and the global economy is screwed.
Speaking before a sleepy, grumpy Congress at 2 a.m. EST last night in his Superman pajamas, President Obama explained his plans for an early Daylight Savings Time change:
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My fellow Americans, As yoouu may-have-noticed, the uhh....economy! Is still in the crapper. Now, I promised to help us...go forward...and it was a promissse I-intend-to-keep. Therefore, Representative Goldie Wilson has written a bill that..uhhhhh....will make Daylight Savings Time happen tonight, making us leap forward one hour as..uuuuuuhhhhh....soon-as-you-vote-for-it! This is the era of liviinng..in the future. CHANGE we can set our clocks to! Spring FORWARD! Thank you, and..uhh..God-bless-America! |
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House Republicans were highly suspicious, accompanied with bafflement, over why the President would order an emergency Congressional meeting in the middle of the frickin' night over something that sounded so ridiculous. However, they were more sleepy than anything else, without really being in the mood to oppose Obama's agenda to the gates of Hell and back. There was talk of some light obstruction, but when Senator Rand Paul threatened to filibuster, they all said, "Fuck it," voted for it and went back to bed.
While the bill flew through both houses, with the exception of those few minutes when they had to wake up a snoring John McCain, the approval ratings for the bill were overwhelmingly negative with the American public. This was believed to be due to the fact that most people didn't even see the President's televised speech on the big time change, except for the nation's night owls, who were presumably pissed that they missed their favorite infomercials. With a lack of foreknowledge, millions of Americans went to work an hour late. This confusion slowed productivity, caused major traffic jams and made the unemployment rate spike up to 13.2%.
While most pundits critique the failed experiment for its impracticality and poor foreshadowing, many others see something more sinister in the entire ordeal. The harshest critic thus far has been AM talk radio host and conspiracy theorist Alex Jones.
A bitter, sleep-deprived Jones ranted about Daylight Savings Time on his radio show this morning, exposing it as a Marxist plot cooked up by Benjamin Franklin. Jones explained how Franklin had invented a kite-powered time machine, enabling him to visit history for ideas on how to improve the young Republic. Unfortunately, Franklin became enamored with the writings of Karl Marx. Eventually, Franklin sat down for a cup of tea in Paris with fellow comrades Marx, Engels and Leonardo DaVinci to formulate a revolutionary scheme. DaVinci, stimulated from his own polyphasic sleep cycle experiment, suggested altering the sleeping patterns of the masses. It was at this point Franklin jumped up, shouted, "EUREKA!" and spilled scalding hot tea on DaVinci's crotch. Franklin realized that the best way to radicalize the labor movement would be to manipulate both time and their sleep schedules. Soon, the workplace would fall into anarchy and the workers would rise up against the bourgeoisie to earn their extra sleep. Thus, Daylight Savings Time was born.
When a caller asked Alex Jones how in the hell he knew this, Jones told him he learned of this account from eyewitness John Titor, libertarian conservative time traveler from the year 2036. Titor warned him that he was never to disclose this information to the public except for one specific date and time, which was apparently this morning, lest a paradox would ensue.
Jones ended his broadcast with a clarion call to protest Daylight Saving Time, reminding his listeners that there is no fate but what we make; that we were asleep, but now we're awake an hour ahead of those above us. For the next eight months, Jones' listeners and Tea Partiers will be behind everyone else on the times, choosing to live in the past with a chant of unified strength against chronological tyranny: "Keep your hands off my clock!"
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Daylight Savings Time, TimeandDate.com
- John Titor - Time Traveler