UnNews:NFL owners approve speed limit, ban trick plays

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Any violation of the 4 mph speed limit will result in a 15-yard penalty.

March 26, 2024

ORLANDO, FL — NFL owners approved two minor rule changes on Tuesday that will likely have little to no impact on gameplay or viewers' enjoyability. The first rule imposes a strict speed limit of 4 miles per hour on all players at all times in an effort to reduce high-speed tackles, which are alleged to increase the risk of concussions. NFL commissioner and fan favorite Roger Goodell explained, "We picked a speed limit of 4 miles per hour because Tommy Lee Jones said the average human runs 4 miles per hour in that movie where he tries to wrongfully imprison an innocent man, so nobody can try to say that this rule limits anyone's ability to play football."

All NFL referees will now be equipped with Vermont State Police-grade radar guns to help them enforce the new rule. When asked if the NFL would need to add any referees, Goodell replied, "Nah, we've already got seventeen refs on every down. I'm sure a few of them would be happy to take a break from playing DFS on their phones to point a gun at a player."

The second rule is an outright ban on all trick plays, which Goodell said was in response to a minor incident in a game with zero playoff implications last season. "So apparently there are still some players and fans refusing to accept Brad Allen's refusal to admit that he did anything wrong in a game involving America's Team. And as we all know, whenever there's a problem with a rule, the solution is not to repeal said rule but to make it even more stringent, preferably draconian," Goodell said. "What constitutes a trick play will, of course, be up to the ref on the field and whatever mood he's in. And as with all rule changes, we consulted our competition committee before implementing these, and as usual they gave us their full support. We almost called the NFLPA to get the players' opinion, but then we remembered that we don't care about them."

A proposal to transition to the National Flag Football League (NFFL) was tabled until after the Week 1 Kickoff Game in order to mess with everyone's fantasy teams.

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