UnNews:Michael Jackson back on Earth

Wednesday, May 29, 2024

This is what he looks like now.

Just a few hours ago, the Council of Heaven has unanimously voted to let the King of Pop, Michael Jackson, return to real life. This was due to Michael's vitiligo, which was active during the time when he was touching children and being vain. As people lose their diseases and disabilities after they die, the Council thought that the moderately-handsome looking black dude seated before them could not possibly be the really white creep who used plastic surgery and touched a lot of children in Neverland.

Michael was allegedly allowed to stay in Heaven, but declined, stating that he wanted to make more music, including "I Never Liked You, Janet" and "I'm No Longer White". As a result, he is now back on Earth, landing somewhere in California. Sony has expressed that they are seeking to do a new record deal with Michael, telling us that they had run out of ways to exploit Michael's career and were lucky for Michael returning.

Sources close to Michael stated that after returning to Earth, the very first thing he done was going to some kids and trying to molest them. Additionally, he also made very weird noises which local police have mistaken for a crack addict. There have also been some rumors that Michael has joined Nickelodeon, seeking to be with a lot of kids, but Nickelodeon has already been monitored by the FBI to prevent that from happening again, so Michael couldn't have gone there.

Regardless, Michael is now planning to do his comeback tour, causing Taylor Swift's songs to lose her comically long streak of Billboard #1 hits. As a result, she has scrapped her next album to make her new music video, which is a diss track to Michael. Additionally, conservative influencers like Ben Shapiro will try to learn to moonwalk, partially due to them thinking that Michael would still be white when he came back.

There is growing suspicion, however, that suggests Jackson may not have ever left Earth. Details aren't clear, but it seems as though Jackson had the life shocked back into his corpse during a thunderstorm. The lightning was said to have blown his mausoleum and casket wide open, before Jackson jumped to his feet and sprinted off the scene. He then hid out in an abandoned warehouse until Sunday Service, when he mistakenly broke into a synagogue to denounce the existence of Jesus Christ, after which he was promptly blasted to bits by a second bolt of lightning.

If anything is certain, Jackson went to hell in the end; hand in hand with Ben Shapiro's future ghost.