UnNews:Captain of ship that destroyed Baltimore bridge foiled by Upstate NY bridge

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31 March 2024

The Onondaga Bridge remains unbeaten, now including against ocean freighters. Syracuse 1, Baltimore 0

SYRACUSE, NY, USA -- Architects in Baltimore, Maryland may want to take notes from this particular instance on how to build an indestructible bridge.

Less than a week after he "accidentally" plowed through the mile-long Francis Scott Key Bridge with the ocean freighter MV Dali, the captain of that same ship decided to cope with his guilt of being caught and fined by the Department of Homeland Security by downing a bottle of liquor before "permanently borrowing" another ocean freighter. He then took a de-stressing drive up the Saint Lawrence River, into Lake Ontario, and through the Erie Canal and the wilderness of Upstate New York. Little did he know that he also plowed through a myriad of low bridges along the canal, but nobody cares about those bridges due to a lack of freight ships who actually use that canal, and even a lack of people who use those bridges in the first place.

The captain's joyride ended in Syracuse, home of the Onondaga Lake Parkway Bridge which, throughout its storied history, has withstood multiple impacts, including tanker trucks (particularly a multitude of trucks the prior year trying the #TruckerLimboChallenge) and even the Goodyear Blimp. The captain obviously ignored the blatantly visible signs to turn around because they only applied to trucks, plowing through New York State Route 370 up to the bridge.

Amazingly, the ship didn't stand a chance against the little bridge and was split open like a can of beans. When the wreckage was cleaned up, that little bridge was still standing and in perfect condition. Rumor has it when it was built in 1880, the bridge builders used vibranium under the guise of wrought iron. As he was dragged away by the cops for good, which he should have been in the first place, the captain drunkenly swore that he would build "the perfect vehicle to take down the Onondaga bridge" upon being released from prison. "Yeah, good luck with that", retorted the cops.

President Joe Biden called those cops "heroes" and announced later that day he would issue an executive order devoting $30 billion of taxpayer money to relocate the Onondaga Lake Parkway Bridge to Baltimore in order replace the fallen Key Bridge, complete with its low 10-foot-9-inch (3.28 m) clearing above the water that would shred any ship going to Baltimore harbor, though the President reasoned that if the bridge could withstand anything, it was good enough. When asked by reporters about the damage done to the Erie Canal and other budgetary issues such as the border and rising inflation rates, Biden asked for a bowl of ice cream before abruptly ending the press conference and stumbling on his way off the podium.

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