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From today's featured article

A pizza a day keeps the doctor away. Yes, pizza is the healthiest food known to man on the face of this earth. In Murka, pizza is considered a vegetable. Eating it daily keeps the doctor away. At first GodJesus threw pizza down on people as manna from the heavens, to make them healthy and keep them lording it over everything. Then later he let people talk to each other and think up how to make pizza, so now they have their hands on deep dish and thin crust.

You know at least one thing already, from your hard-won life experience: If you put cheese on anything round and flat you can call it pizza. Even a paper cutout that is round and flat, if it is covered with cheese, then it is pizza.

Why if you eat pizza the doctor will stay away? It's the garlic, tomatoes, and cheese.

The end. (Full article...)

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Did you know...

... that Joseph Stalin (Pictured) is the the real Man of Steel?

... that my dad reproduces asexually, thus making me impervious to yo momma jokes?
... that every time you fall asleep, you die?
... that Jackson Pollock is the Jackson Pollock of painting?
... that Calvin and Hobbes was an action-packed buddy comedy series that ran from 1542-1549, featuring philosophers John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes as themselves?
... that if you put an ear up to a person's leg you can hear them say, "What the fuck are you doing?"
... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one?
... that pillow fighting is a violent trend among the world's pillow population, and must be stopped?

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In the news

Boxer shorts, like a real man. And Bruce Lee black pants.

Obama to Democrats: "toughen up, you fucking pussies!" (Pictured)
Trump sends condolences to tough-guy actor "Mikey Madison"
Clint Eastwood announces plans to live forever
Trumpman introduces Trumpmobile
Diddy gets off easy, possibly due to bribing jury
Musk establishes "Porky Pig Party" to combat Trump's "Big Beautiful Bill"
United Nations Secretary General gives up on world peace, World War Three begins
Netanyahu and Khamenei get it on
- Trump joins in for threesome, blows load
- Khamenei fails to follow up after dirty talk, taps out
Elon Musk breaks up with Trump
Trump sends condolences to "Sly Stallone"
Trump celebrates TACO Wednesday by reversing course on long-held campaign promise
THE ROCKIES HAVE WON A SERIES!

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, TAWOG, Stranger Things 5, and Spaceballs 2 • Russian Invasion • Gaza War • Trump and Elon's feud.. make up.. no one knows anymore • Animal-related live-action remakes kicking Snow White's ass • Jaws 50th anniversary • Colorado Rockies game replacing Jaws airing • Israel/Iran "peace talks" • Pittsburgh Steelers adding old players way past their prime • Rock drummer exodus (not to be confused with Tom Hunting or Zbigniew Fyk)

Recent deaths: Diddy's freedom for only 20 years • Michael Madsen • Diogo Jota • Texas flood victims • LA ICE raids • Connie Francis • Alan Bergman

Upcoming deaths: DEI • Tom Cruise's career of sprinting on-screen • Pittsburgh Steelers' locker room • Greta Thunberg? • R. Kelly • Iran's nuclear program • Oil prices • Dumbasses with fireworks in their backyards • Diddy's bank account after incoming lawsuits • The asshats who spoiled Squid Game • MAGA • The flowers you bring Alan Bergman

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On this day

July 21: National Fight Day (UK), Belgium Awareness Day

1066 – Fight Day established by humans; "You do not talk about Fight Day," proclaims the King, shortly before being impaled on a sword by Normans.
1298 – Battle of Falskirt: Edward Longlegs defeats Mel Gibson's Scottish hooligans in a poker game.
1949 – The United States ratifies the North Atlantic Treaty, officially enacting a truce with the hostile North Atlantic Ocean that would be honored until sea otters invade Boston in 1977.
1958 – The elusive and mysterious pond whale (pictured) is first described in scientific literature.
1977 – Sea otters invade Boston.
2006 – The first in a wildly successful series of prison journals is published on Uncyclopedia.
2007 – "Celebrating Fight Day may increase your risk of getting into a fight" says a statistitian after completing a 30-year research program.

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