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From today's featured article

COLUMBUS, Indiana -- Psycho Christian white supremacist former Vice President Mike Pence has gotten himself into another pickle. Only this time, it's quite literally a pickle. The former VP discovered that he had turned into a former cucumber.

"No explanation at all," Pence told Newsmax Tuesday. "I just woke up one day and discovered I had turned into a pickle. I know the European Union turned President Trump into a walrus, and former Press Secretary... What was that bastard's name again?... into an eggman, but I believe they wouldn't waste their time on me. I believe it was Hillary Clinton, Obama, The Bidens, the Kennedys, The Addams Family, Rosie O'Donnell, Britney Spears, Oprah, Steve Harvey and those goddamned liberal Democrats who stole the election from me-- I mean, us!"

There is zero evidence of any of these parties being involved in the incident.

"Mother is going to be ashamed of me. She warned me about sticking my pickle where it didn't belong."

To make matters worse, Dan Harmon has filed a cease-and-desist against Pence.

Twitter erupted in the wake of the news. Donald Trump tweeted: "I know for a terrific 100 percent FACT that LEBROWN JAMES is rebonsisple for this. NFL should suspend him. GO BACK TO YOUR SHITHOLE COUNTRY!" Then Trump remembered that he was banned in January.

Palmer Report tweeted: "Still a bigger pickle than Donald Trump's."

Rob Reiner: "Funniest shit I've ever seen!" (Full article...)

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Did you know...

... that I'm secretly looking for Nazi Gold right now? (Pictured)

... that it's been proven beyond reasonable doubt that 50% of modern marriages end in divorce because of arguments inside IKEA stores?
... that the concept of Hell dates back to ancient Egyptians' fear of sand burning your feet?
... that male vampires are delighted when the female vampire goes on her period?
... that there is a pipe bomb placed in your mailbox?
... that at some point, hanging in there just makes you look like an even bigger loser?
... that sex in the ear canal is called CANAL (pronounced like anal but with a C in the beginning)?
... that the Japanese have a saying: "A man cannot read the same Wikipedia page twice"? The pages are constantly being edited, and the act of reading it will make you a different person. Therefore, when a man goes back to re-read it, both the text and the man have been changed.

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In the news

BREAKING: NEW POPE ALERT!!! (Pictured)
MLB welcomes cheaters and pedophiles to HOF
Trump: "You're not the boss of me now and you're not so big."
Phil Collins comes out of retirement after wank
PBS and NPR to lose funding
Spain and Portugal experience a country-wide blackout
Sportswriter Leon Sandcastle gives his two cents on NFL draftee Shedeur Sanders's draft slide
Trump believes that 200 countries negotiated trade deals with him
Man delivers profound philosophical speech about elephants during his sojourn at the zoo
Upcoming South Park season will be Canadian
World shocked as Pope Francis kicks bucket (This is not a drill!)
- Chris Rock will succeed him in new comedy Head of Church
Trump Administration prepares to deport everybody except Native Americans
New Easter Bunny is a fascist

Ongoing: Eurovision • The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, and Deltarune • Russian Invasion • Israel-Palestine conflict • DOGE budget cuts • SWAT teams on guard for the "chicken jockey" scene of A Minecraft Movie • Trump and Xi's tariff games • The IRS hunting late tax payers

Recent deaths: SPOILER: Joel • Pope Francis • Shedeur Sanders' career, before it even started • Lar Park Linkin • Gawr Gura • Toxicity • Girl-kisser and Harriet the Spy soundtrack artist Jill Sobule • Ruth Buzzi • LeBron James' playoff run • Night Court • Lopez vs Lopez • Jayson Tatum's Achilles

Upcoming deaths: U.S. and Global economy • Luigi Mangione • Kate Middleton • Laura Palmer • DEI • Google's ad monopoly • Cleveland Browns' locker room • LeBron James' career • Diddy's chance at freedom • Boston Celtics' playoff run and repeat hopes

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On this day

May 14: "Aren't Space Stations Just Spaceships That Can't Move?" Day (U.S.)

468 BC - The color of the sky deemed to be blue by Greek philosophers.
1607 - The settlement of Jamestown, Virginia is founded in the middle of a swamp, local mosquito population ravaged by Human flu.
1846 - The United States snatches Mexico's purse and pilfers 500,000 square miles of sweet land.
1974 - NASA accidentally launches the planned Skylab station into the ocean. (Pictured)
1975 - Vehicle meant to retrieve Skylab from the ocean accidentally launched into outer space, vehicle renamed to Skylab.
1976 - Astronauts stage a mutiny against Earth after being tethered to a giant claw for three months.
2007 - After billions of dollars of research and intense study, Bill Gates finally hits puberty.
2008 - The Secret Service find George W. Bush hiding behind a vase in the White House cantina: "Is my presidency over?" Bush says.
2075 - I lose my house keys again.

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