Political Compass
“Not a real compass!”
The Political Compass is an ideological chart used to represent both good ideologies and bad ideologies, the same way Korea represents both good Korea and bad Korea. It was created by a bunch of rogue teenagers on meth back in the 1990s, and then was slowly grinded up into a system of bullshit until the final product came out: a chart with four squares, one for each extreme ideology.
Despite the fact that the objective of most compasses is placing a set of data in different axes to construct a complex analysys, this compass throws all that out of the window by simply positioning people into four different quadrants (five if you also count the center as a different quadrant altogether). Because after all, who cares about complexity and subtle differences when you can just abstract ideologies into their most absurdist strawman versions and call it a day?
Political discourse in the compass[edit | edit source]
Quadrants will argue over who's more oppressed (spoiler: it's always them), who's more woke/based (spoiler: neither), and who can come up with the most outlandish conspiracy theories (spoiler: it's a tie).
Surprisingly, these four sides do have some things in common. They all love a good echo chamber (the more like-minded, the better), they're experts at dodging facts (who needs 'em anyway?), and they have a deep-seated fear of anything resembling moderation (because why compromise when you can just scream?). When two of these groups come together, it's like watching a train wreck in slow motion; in the end, they are like two peas in a pod, each convinced they're the hero in their own story while the rest of us wonder how we got stuck in the same comic book.
Choosing your quadrant[edit | edit source]
When choosing the side you want to fit in, one must be aware of each quadrant's customs and preferences. If you do not comply with your so-called friends inside the political echo-chamber you've chosen, you might very well become said quadrant's mortal enemy, and nothing good can come from that. After all, the real purpose of politics is getting away with your deepest desires- ideology is just an afterthought.
Authoritarian Left[edit | edit source]
Join the red side, comrade! AuthLeft is the quadrant for the oppresed proletariat. With the aid of great thinkers like Karl Marx, and following the lead of glorious leaders like Joseph Stalin, Mao Zedong, Antonio Gramsci, and Fidel Castro; we will seek a new revolution to put the proletariat at the top of the state!
Huh? What are you speaking about, comrade? Poverty? Mass hunger? Over 379 million people dead? You're speaking nonsense, comrade; the capitalist has probably taken over your mind and is now using you as a mere puppet. Now, now, why don't I show you a nice vacation resort where you can have all those worries you have gone...
Authoritarian Right[edit | edit source]
The west has fallen, I say, it's over! Our once-beautiful nation has been swollen whole by a wave of moral decay! Back in the Good Old Days, the world used to be ruled by the chosen people (AKA white men), but now minorities like women, blacks, and jews have invaded our precious land! The AuthRight will get rid of them, no matter how violent the soution used will be! And that's a good thing! Aggression is good!
And the best part, is that AuthRight societies tend to last the longest. I mean, take a look at Europe. Europe used to be strongly AuthRight in Medieval Times, and just look 
how good people lived in those times!
The AuthRight has many influential, friendly and good figures who have helped pave the future for society, including: Augusto Pinochet, Benito Mussolini, Donald Trump, Ron DeSantis, Vladimir Putin, or Vivek Ramaswamy. Most people also place Adolf Hitler here, but this has sparked some controversy (see: Hitler's Quadrant for more information)
Libertarian Left[edit | edit source]
For many years, our kin has been violently oppresed by the patriarchy. But I say it's time to take a stand, now! LibLeft are a formed by a group of Antifa supersoldiers that will help the world be a better place, through means of getting rid of anyone who is not black, gay, woman, or a variation of thereof.
At the end, everything wrong in the world can be solved by shouting really loudly and canceling anyone who disagrees with us.
That said, LibLeft is the best quadrant there is, and anyone who opposes the LibLeft is a bunch of uninformed, uneducated, bigoted, racist fascist Nazis!
Libertarian Right[edit | edit source]
Honestly speaking, my ideology is the most rational and least extreme of the four quadrants, as it isn't grounded in feelings, but rather, facts and logic. As a LibRight, I believe that Big Goverment is a pesky parasite that has been sucking dry all my money, which is why I instead support an overly-aggresive market that has power to do whatever the fuck they want to do! Which are two radically different things, by the way.
I also believe that lazy people has been given too many free things by now, which is why I advocate that we should instead let the poor starve to death! Now, now, why are you looking at me like that? I also believe in Freedom, Capitalism, unalienable rights, and everything American, so it's clear that I'm not one of the bad guys here, unlike those pesky commies. What the fuck is a kilometer, anyways?
Centrism[edit | edit source]
Can't you all just shut up? I'm tired of this nonsensical discourse that just. Won't. Fucking. Stop! Whenever I open my social media, I always end up seeing thing like "communists did this" and "capitalists did that", when I just wanted to see pictures of cute cats! I would like for once to be sit at the family table without terms such as woke, bigot, Ukraine and Israel showing up and meddle in the middle of our conversation. This is why I support centrism, a political side caracterized by the lack of interest in any kind of politics.
I mean, can't you guys reach to an agreement, or something? There is probably a middle ground where you can be happy. Maybe you could outlaw homosexuality every Friday, and let gay people have raw orgies every Sunday, to compensate.
Hitler's Quadrant[edit | edit source]
There has been significant debate about which quadrant Adolf Hitler is apart of. The AuthLeft says that Hitler was AuthRight, and the AuthRight says that Hitler was AuthLeft. Historical evidence shows that Hitler has both flirted with the AuthRight (mainly Mussolini) and the AuthLeft (mainly Stalin), which both could be used as proof of their respective point of view.
A conclusion could be reached that Hitler isn't either AuthLeft nor AuthRight, just really, really, really fucking Authoritarian, to the point of being Totalitarian. Some say that this would make him what they call an AuthCenter, because of course killing millions of innocent people is the most moderate and centrist thing you can do.
Uncyclopedia's Ideology[edit | edit source]
Uncyclopedia itself has an ideology. That's right! It's called Uncyclopediaism, or Uncyclopedism. It's mostly a left-leaning ideology with a bit of libertarianism and custard sprinkled on the top.
Conclusion[edit | edit source]
Every political quadrant is bat fuck insane in its own way and politics was a fucking mistake. We should have stayed in the jungle and never invented society (whoops, that's a political position as well. My bad).
If you encounter someone who disagrees with you uncivilly, either ignore them, tell them to go (BLEEP) themselves, or just shove it up your ugly a- wait, no, I'm not entitled to say that.
At the end of the day, it's important to remain open-minded, as long as your open-mindness helps me bring you to my side of the compass, and not the other way around.
See also[edit | edit source]
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