Norwegian Forest Cat

Norwegian Forest Cat
Species	Kittyus
Sub-species	Weegie
Size	Kitty3
Quantum State	<latex>\infty</latex> Big Bang, especially if fed too many fishfingers
Lifespan	1013 Light-years
Activities	Climbing trees, getting stuck in trees, falling out of trees, weeing on trees; trying to get in the fridge because they think it might be Norway; weeing on postmen, getting into fights with ginger cats, eating mobile phones, extreme shedding, terrorising Tuxedo cats and extreme kitty yodelling which sounds like Jedward getting their collective hair trapped in a Dustbuster.

The Norwegian Forest Cat (Felis Fattus Fluffyus) is a very large terrifying breed of cat that is descended from a hybrid of Longcat, Orange Cat, the Abominable Snowman and curly-coated prehistoric mountain sheep. The first ever Norwegian Forest Cat appeared in a cloud of orange and purple smoke on the frozen wasteland of Norway in 9,800 B.P.C. (Before Proper Cats). This cat was 13 feet long, weighed 4 stone and had orange, grey and ginger curly fur which trailed along the ground, spreading out about 3 feet in all directions. It also had 2 orange horns sticking out of its head between its ears. These horns were about 17 inches long. It was thought by prehistoric man that this creature had been created by the Yggdrasil as a punishment for creating rude cave drawings and graffiti. Even today, all Norwegian Forest Cats still worship the Yggdrasil every Wednesday evening, when they form a circle around an abandoned supermarket trolley and telepathically communicate with the Norwegian Forest Cat mothership, which was also created by the Yggdrasil and was responsible for the Norwegian Spiral Anomaly in 2010.

A grey and white fluffy Norwegian Forest Cat planning World Domination.

The litter tray in its smaller size

What It Likes to Eat

This first cat didn't have much choice of food in ancient Norway. Its first meal was Norwegian Cod, which it caught by smashing the permafrost with its terrifying long horns. It did try to hunt a Norwegian Short-Tailed Yak Bear, but as the cat was running, it tripped over its long fur. This is why Norwegian Forest Cats have over time evolved two layers of fur: the outer layer grows about 3 inches a week and then it is shed in large clumps which clog up the hoover; the inner layer is curly because of the cat's descent from mountain sheep. It exposes this inner layer of fur to scare its enemies, namely Tacgnol, Tuxedo Kitler and Ginger Kitteh From Teh Next Road. The modern domesticated Norwegian Forest Cat likes to eat these foods: tuna, the Go-Cat with the green bits in; vanilla custard from ASDA (but not that cheapo one off the bottom shelf that costs 18p); tuna, dragonfruit, bananas, tuna, Raspberry JellyBabies, Weetabix and of course tuna.

Smörgåsbord

All Norwegian Forest Cats have an interest in Smörgåsbord. This cuisine is something like a British hospital main meal, comprising 3 slices of cold meat which have been through eleven processes; the super-corrugated cardboard version of Ryvita, that cheese with holes in, Smash, mushy peas and Scotch Egg. However, if a Weegie consumes too much Smörgåsbord, it will sprout 2 pairs of wings and transform into the Fairy Skogkatt of Norse legends. These fairy cats have been known to cause havoc when flying, often getting entangled in wind turbines; one of them even knocked the International Space Station out of orbit, causing its waste disposal unit to empty and deposit its contents on a herd of sheep in Yorkshire. Ever since then these sheep have glowed in the dark and will break into houses when Timmy Time is showing on CBeebies.

What It Doesn't Like to Eat

Our first "weegie", while hunting along the fjords, once stumbled upon a Tescos Ambient Sausage Roll which had accidentally been teleported back in time from the 21st Century by Uri Geller while he was demonstrating bending plastic BBC cutlery to Nick Clegg. As all cats do if you try to feed them with any form of sausage, it attacked the sausage roll with its paw, threw it into the air, sampled a bit of the sausage meat, then dropped the sausage roll over the edge of the fjord. Norwegian Forest Cats of the 21st Century will not eat any of these things: very cheap cat food which smells like that unidentifiable school dinner meal which the teachers refused to buy and if you were unfortunate enough to have spent all lunchtime practicing volleyball or how to create a nuclear weapon, it was the only thing left, apart from 10 cold petrified chips and a ring doughnut which had been retrieved from under the fridge; spam, peanuts, hard-boiled eggs from the Queen Elizabeth II Hospital in Kings Lynn (these eggs were actually left over from a 1975 experiment in which a mad scientist tried to revive a cryogenically frozen Hippopotamus and breed it with a unicorn); semolina, Wotsits and bacon.

Digestive Disturbances

It must be added that this breed of cat should not be fed any form of beans, as the end result will be a noxious gas named Kittium, which is only produced by felines and was discovered in 1842 by Isambard Kingdom Brunel when his cat Horace accidentally ingested some blue-green algae while drinking out of the Thames Estuary. This gas when released indoors has been known to make all the spines drop off cacti, PG-Tips tea to transform into Strontium-90 and Freeview to channel-hop in an infinite loop between QVC Shopping, Dating For Nonagenarians and That Channel Which Shows Continuous Repeats Of Family Fortunes.

Where It Lives

Kitty #1 lived in a kitty nest that it had constructed out of guano, pine needles and grass. Modern cats sometimes create a structure out of grass, but sometimes they wee on it when an invading neighbourhood kitty upsets them. They also like cardboard boxes but tend to keep away from the larger ones as they know about the "Schrödinger's Cat" experiment.

Litter Tray

As this breed of cat is larger than normal-sized cats; it requires an industrial-sized litter tray. One mutant Norwegian Forest Cat named Beelsebub reached 66 kilos and his litter tray was a council skip filled with sawdust and old newspapers. One night a tramp took up residence in the skip and there was an unfortunate incident when Beelsebub used the litter tray in the morning. The tramp then got on the number 5 bus and all 103 passengers moved to the back end of the bus. If the "weegie" cannot find a litterbox and can't wait, it may utilise these alternatives: a pile of un-washed washing which then has to be un-washed again before it can be washed; the sock drawer, That Corner Behind The Wardrobe Which Never Gets Hoovered and the green wheelie bin. One Weegie named Eric once weed on a telegraph pole and cut off the internet for ten villages in Finland.

First Norwegian Forest Kittens

As this was the only Norwegian Forest Cat, it had to reproduce by duplicating itself like an amoeba. This process produced 700 kittens. These 700 kittens were many varied colours: yellow with indigo spots, flourescent lime green with red stripes, neon blue and pink/rainbow-coloured like Nyan Cat. They all had a lifespan of 80+ years and so produced many descendants. Some of these cats tried to take over Norway in the 10th Century and this was known as the Great Skogkatt Uprising. It also started to spread to the rest of Scandinavia. This problem was solved when the Scandinavians designed horned helmets to scare off the cats.

Interaction with Vikings

The horned helmets gave the Scandinavians the idea to go and invade another country, as they now looked terrifying enough. Before that they only looked a bit scary with their beards, especially the women. They decided to take 50 of the Norwegian Forest Cats with them on their longboats. On the long voyage to the outer isles of Scotland, this however caused some problems: firstly because this was before the invention of the litter tray, and secondly because cats don't like water, so they weren't too happy being surrounded by it. This caused all 50 cats to panic at intervals, when they would all run down to one end of the longboat. The longboat then began to sink and this meant the Vikings had to move all the sheep to the opposite end. One of the sheep panicked and jumped overboard, evolving flippers and turning into Mutant Mermaid Sheep, terrorising sailors for their beetroot and Marmite sandwiches.

A Norwegian Forest Cat saves a Viking from a jellyfish attack

Descendents of the First Forest Cat

The 700 spontaneously generated kittens spawned several famous descendants, namely:

• Bagpuss: there were actually two versions of Bagpuss, one being grey and white, the other being pink and yellow. The grey and white version was the Anti-Bagpuss which was created in 1979 in a BBC canteen when Margaret Thatcher visited the BBC and gave a saucer of milk to Wally, the BBC cat which had been brought there by Bruce Forsyth after it chewed up his toupee collection, and had previously tried to eat Jimmy Savile.

• Wilberforce the Downing Street cat who wrote most of Margaret Thatcher's speeches

• The Dulux paint dog, after a freak experiment with a poodle; Raungwalder II, (a Norwegian Forest Cat which had consumed some of Elton John's hair restorer), and a tin of Swarfega.

• Hans Hermann von Katte, Frederick the Great's driving instructor and toilet cleaner, who was one-third cat, one-third human and one-third alien from Sirius C.

• Matthew Watkins, whose great-great-great-great-grandmother was a cat named Ethelberga, and who at a Full Moon can be seen standing on the roof of the Thomas Clarkson Community College in Wisbech where he throws chips at other passing cats. He also sings (badly) and was once shot at with an elephant gun by an Indian restaurant owner for scaring away the customers.

• Bumpy, a Norwegian Forest Cat also known as Da Bump, who has an IQ of 147. He can do The Pyramid-Shaped Rubiks cube, Evil Sudoku, The Sun Crossword and also ${\sqrt {x}}$ 3.14159 ∫ α β ∑ ε7 <latex> f(x) = x^2\,\!</latex> ,<latex> \sqrt[3]{x^3+y^3 \over 2}</latex>

Weegies and Quantum Physics

A blue and orange Weegie named Olaf once got into the Large Hadron Collider after chasing a mutant 3-eared mouse that had arrived through a quantum mousehole from a Parallel universe. All of this cat's protons, electrons, muons, gluons, quarks, pentaquarks, bosons and fermions became disassembled and the cat was teleported back in time to Ferney-Voltaire in the year 1770, with 16 odd socks attached to its fur by static Electricity. Olaf appeared in Voltaire's château while Voltaire was searching for a beige sock. Noticing that Olaf had a matching beige sock stuck to his fur, Voltaire declared that Olaf must have arrived from "Le meilleur des mondes possibles", a place where odd socks "n'existent pas".

The Anti-Bagpuss

According to Professor Mangel-Wurzel Vol-au-Vent Bezirksschornsteinfegermeister of CERN, there is a wormhole created by the Large Hadron Collider which connects to the planet Unununium⁶⁶⁶ in the 66th Dimension. This wormhole is a portal for the Anti-Bagpuss who, if he bumps noses with a Norwegian Forest Cat, will cause this universe to create an anti-copy of itself in which Iain Duncan-Smith is Supreme Ruler Of Europe, Oxo Cubes are spherical, David Icke has discovered a colony of Clangers on the Moon and Ipswich has been overrun by cloned sheep. The Professor says that this can only be prevented by giving an anti-wormhole tablet to the Anti-Bagpuss. Working out the best way to do this has been somewhat difficult: the current plan is to glue 400 toilet roll tubes together and shoot the tablet through them with a pea-shooter that Gordon Brown used to fire at Tony Blair while hiding behind the Job Centre disguised as a parking meter. As is the case when trying to give a tablet to any cat, it might need to be dipped in chicken, liver and goose pâté and the Anti-Bagpuss will have to be distracted by something. It is thought that the best thing to distract it will be Stephen Hawking talking about the latest "Ball of String" Theory, in which the universe is theorised to be composed of minute vibrating balls of string which are in quantum superposition until chased by Nano-Kitties; these Nano-Kitties themselves thought to have been created when God decided to experiment with some sub-atomic particles left over from creating the Pyrenean Desmon.

The Anti-Bagpuss listens to Stephen Hawking reading 50 shades of grey