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“How do you shut her up!?”

~ Oscar Wilde on Women... I think.

“Pretty much just a time for the "bitch" to bitch.”

~ Captain Obvious on After sitting down to a regular meal

“I've had it with these motherFUCKING conversations during my motherFUCKING meals!”

~ Samuel L. Jackson on Snakes on a Meal

Breakfast[edit | edit source]

Breakfast of Champions (serves one).

For most breakfast can be the most painful part of the day as it not only involves talking, but it also involves seeing other human beings. Now usually the dreaded wife will get up extra early and spend hours throwing together shit that could easily (by a man) be thrown together in seconds. The best way to deal with this situation is usually to let nature take its course. The father will usually grumble silently about the food at first, but as he begins to wake up he will begin to roar with anger at the absolute bullshit that is on his plate. The children will usually come down stairs and whine because they are cranky little bastards in the morning, the mother will usually try to punish them, but the father (seeing his authority being abused) will then beat the shit out of the wife and congratulate the children for bothering her. The meal itself is usually just a big pile of overcooked starch including toast, cats, waffles, and pancakes. This is usually what puts the father in a bad mood.

Lunch[edit | edit source]

Lunch doesn't exist. Or does it?

Dinner[edit | edit source]

Dinner is usually the time where arguments start, the father will usually arrive home at this time drunk, and punch his his wife in the face. After the family is done grieving about the dead mother they will sit down and the person who everyone hates, usually the PMSing sister, will try to begin some kind of awkward conversation. Dinner over the years has been proven to be the cause of most divorces, most cases of domestic violence, and racial discrimination (as dinner conversation is usually is made by directing the frustrations of daily life at a racial minority, see Asians)

Family Roles at Dinner[edit | edit source]

  • Mother - usually spends her day moaning and groaning about feminism and how she wants to go to college (when she is not doing this she is cooking dinner and getting the cigar and newspaper ready in attempt to stave off that night's inevitable beating) the wife will also assume an
    A good example of how a proper husband keeps that pesky women under control.
    attitude of passive submissiveness, and endure any abuse the men of the table may dish out; including the throwing of garbage, the rebuke for her disgusting meal, and finally the mind games used to keep her producing babies and food.
  • Father - after a long hard day at work he usually will head off to the the bar with "The Guys" they will drink themselves into a drunken rage and laugh about how they will beat their wives. After the usual nightly beatings, the man of the house will sit down to dinner and firmly assert his dominance by monopolising any conversation, shouting at the wife and children, and throwing anything within reach at the women of the table.
  • Children - In anticipation of the nightly beatings administered to their mothers will usually gather up any audio-visual equipment to film and document the nightly beatings of their mother and then subsequently post it on "YouTube". The role of children at the dinner table is usually to follow in the fathers footsteps and encourage/join in the abuse of their stupid mother.

Tea[edit | edit source]

Tea is an afternoon affair that usually involves the consumption of crumpet(s), there was in fact a time when tea was at war with dinner for afternoon meal supremacy. Crumpets did eventually win the war for the "Tea Time Team" but the popularity of a meal that only included water with leaves in it and stale bread was very limited and Dinner did eventually win out.

She has got to be joking

Tea Time is a time for women of great wealth and prominence to talk about garbage like feminism, womens' rights, and economics (something that women obviously do not understand).

Recipe for a proper tea:

  • A bunch of fat old women
  • Water
  • Leaves (to put in the water)

The Equation For A Regular (yet unpleasant) Meal[edit | edit source]

Conversation :([edit | edit source]

Now if you are unfortunate enough to have to have a meal with another human being there is a high risk that they will be dumb enough to try to start conversation. If you are presented with this situation it is recommended at that you first start yelling at them in an obscure native American language, then if the conversationalist continues, punch them in face if this fails to stop the nattering, go light yourself on fire! Despite the fact that people do often try to avoid meal time conversation in the way described above there are ways to avoid conversation within the limits of the law (believe it or not). Most people report that they deal with meal time drivel (conversation) by simply ignoring the person talking or by looking away, this is obviously WRONG, the correct way is to throw your food at them if look like they are even considering opening there mouths for any reason other than the consumption of food.

People who are most likely to try to engage you in a deadly conversation

Meals In History[edit | edit source]

Meals have been enjoyed and ruined for centuries. But what happened before meals. In the Beginning there were no meals. Families never sat together, which by the way was great for the men. One day some stupid woman decided that the whole family should sit down and listen to her bitch for a whole hour. The men, not knowing what terrible repercussions this would have, agreed. They soon regretted it. Although it can be said a woman invented mealtime gatherings, it was REALLY The Rainbow Six anti-terrorist team, they invented meal time with the intent on tricking the terrorists to come eat them. Once (or if) Rainbow Six managed to convince the terrorists to come eat with them they would bore them literally to death by having women converse with them, as this is proven to be the leading cause of death in men today (even surpassing AIDS, and cancer).

Current Day Meals[edit | edit source]

Rainbow Six soon abandoned this strategy as terrorists soon began to realise what the CT forces were trying to do to them, thus they shot themselves to avoid pointless conversation with those silly women. The women used in this anti-terrorist tactic soon introduced this to the household, this spread like a wild fire, as women obviously enjoy torturing people with their silly babble, eventually men came up with a way to counter this (beating the shit out their wives, as described above) thus they have reached a stalemate women refuse to give up mealtime even in the face of beatings, and men are more than happy to endure meal time so long as the food is good and some other human being is present to abuse.