Jedward
| |
|---|---|
 Jedward performing on The X-Factory | |
| Born |
|
| Occupation | Singers, TV personalities, charity-embezzlers |
| Years active | 2009-present |
John Paul Henry Daniel Richard and Edward Peter Anthony Kevin Patrick Grimes (born October 16, 1991), colloquially known as Jedward, are a scientific experiment, originally formed in a bell-jar to test for high levels of cringing embarrassment. As a result, scientists discovered a new force of nature called "anti-talent", but had to abandon the experiment when they inadvertently created a black hole of talentless nothingness, which threatened to swallow the universe.
"We had to abandon all testing when the force of Jedward's anti-talent exceeded anything known before," said Professor Cowell of The X-Factory Institute for Sickly Mammals.
They were formed in bell-jar as an inadvertent result of John Grimes research into human cloning for his Theoretical Physics PhD from Imperial College London. It was said that an experiment went wildly wrong, causing John to clone himself 367 times, with each clone possessing just 1/367th of his IQ. He managed to kill all but one of the clones, whom it is said struck a truce with him, and whom he named "Edward". All of John's original work is unfortunately at a level above all known scientists, and as he can no longer understand it himself, it is unusable. It was hoped that some time in the future his work may be understood, having been preserved in its original state, but then Edward ate it. Only one paper remained, where John claims to have discovered the key to cooling water to Absolute Zero at Atmospheric Pressure. After much scrawling over the top in crayon, this became the lyric sheet for their first single "(Under Pressure) Ice Ice Baby". Jedward have always been a controversial "music" act. At a show in Wwtwang John decapitated a goat and drank it's blood. He said that "It's gives him the get up and go to start the day". They also threw potatoes at Bono and called him a "Floppy head".
Since the experiment failed, Jedward has worked as a singing, charity-donating, and cringy show-hosting duo.
Musical career[edit | edit source]
It is thought that members of the scientific community have campaigned for research into the reversal of the effects on John Grimes, but have so far failed to get a government grant. Unsure what to do, they one day overheard Edward singing a beautiful and melodious rendition of Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby". Realising this was the key to their fund-raising problem, they immediately enlisted the help of world-leading record producer and ex-X-Factor judge Louis Walsh. Walsh gave the pair a complete makeover and taught them to dance like absolute demons. This formed the start of their career. The pair have since sold 14,000,000,000 copies of their first record, Planet Jedward, leading to John's ex-colleague Sir Patrick Moore actually giving a planet the same name.
Future[edit | edit source]
Although far more than sufficient funding has been raised for the original cause, the proposed research has been prohibited by the International Court of Human Rights - not due to the ethical issues involved in Human Cloning, but because it would be considered immoral to bless the world with the musical marvel that is "Jedward" only to then remove it. Instead Edward was cloned a further 11 times, causing he and his co-clones to have 1/4037th of John's original IQ. The clones were banded together as "Planet Jedward Football Club", and have since smashed records such as "most intelligent football club" with an average IQ of 0.052 per player. They finished their first season in 2010 and gained enough points in the league to get them immediately promoted to the Premiership.
It has also been rumoured that Jedward will represent Ireland in Eurovision 2011. Not much to say about that really, whatever they enter will be better than England's entry anyway.
Enviormental protection[edit | edit source]
While trying to find a way to restore John to his original condition, scientists have discovered a new renewable source of energy.Jedward. One day in the lab, there was a power cut. Edward tried to fix the problem. He stuck his finger into a socket and immediatley the power returned to the building. It is estimated that between them, Jedward have enough power to supply electricity tto the entire nation of Ireland for the next ten years. Plans on how to trap the twins are allready taking place.
Discography[edit | edit source]
Studio albums[edit | edit source]
| Year | Title | Peak chart positions | |
|---|---|---|---|
| ICL | UK | ||
| 2010 | Planet Jedwardo
|
1 | 1 |
Singles[edit | edit source]
| Year | Title | Peak chart positions | Album | ||||||||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| ICL | UK | FU | |||||||||||
| 2010 | "Under Pressure (Ice Ice Baby)" (featuring Professor Stephen Hawking) |
1 | 0 | 0.5 | Planet Jedward | ||||||||
| "All the Large Things | 1 | 1 | 1 | ||||||||||
| As featured artist | |||||||||||||
| 2009 | "You Are Completely and Absolutely Alone, and Always Will Be" (with 'The X Factor failures') |
1 | 1 | 1 | Single-only release
| ||||||||