Satan

From his years in Hollywood ... (This is actually an actor playing Ming, but he looks like Pan if he were angry, ah, I mean Satan, doesn't he? A very underrated actor. Let's find out more about him.)

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Ronald Reagan, or Mikhail Gorbachev? How about Joe Biden, or Richard Nixon? Possibly even Donald Trump?

“Wow, even I wouldn’t do that!”

~ Satan on putting pineapple on pizza

“He is my Father.”

~ Dick Cheney on Satan

Satan, also known as The Devil, also known as Beelzebub, is an evil angel and the primary antagonist in the best-selling novel The Bible. His character is usually comically considered the epitome of good, and he is often feared, mocked, or just marginalized. Satan's image, the horns and the rest was pulled from Saturn's Uranus when the Christians decided to huff a few gods like the Greek god Pan from people's consciousness. This started a trend of turning loved archetypes into an "evil scary" presence though the wonders of propaganda, a theme which continues throughout the story.

He may or may not be the CEO of Literally Satan Media, LLC.

The Christian version: dispute with God

Mike takes out the trash.

God and his prosecutor angel Satan (Hebrew for accuser) had a bit of an argument way back when over who should call the shots about what happens to the entire universe now that there are humans. Satan began by laying out his points in a fairly logical fashion, but that's when it all went to hell (pun intended) when Satan showed his delusions of power over God, giving him the right to override freewill. This display of disrespect and arrogance was the catalyst that sparked God's pretend nose-heating – which is Hebrew for "He got really angry" – causing some major smiting and Satan's being thrown just outside the Pearly Gates, where he set up his own kingdom and a lemonade stand.

Although Satan found himself just outside the pearly gates he wasn't about to take it lying down so he summoned up legions of pretend demons from the metaphorical eternal fires to strike back. Meanwhile, back in heaven, God was watching this unfold. So he asked Michael the Archangel and said, "Mike, take care of it." Michael got a bunch of angels down to the gates. It wasn't much of a fight, though, as the devils cast all the angels out of heaven into the Pit of Hell in a fashion that would be imitated millions of years later by Leonidas and the Spartans. Satan has laughed about what happened that day ever since but because Satan and God are both invincible, the dispute has never ended, except in arm wrestling and drinking contests.

As covered in the U.S. documentary film The Exorcist, Satan occasionally enjoys taking control of otherwise innocent people, a phenomenon known as "possession". While under Satan's spell, subjects appear overcome by funny insanity, often mumbling complete nonsense.

Influences

Music

A very famous possessed man

Although everyone loves to laugh at how much of a puss Satan is for getting his arse kicked out of heaven by God, he has inspired the genre of music known as Death Metal or Black Metal. Satan Himself is a virtuoso of the electric guitar: a 1978 article in Guitarist magazine described his style as "faster than the speed of light and decidedly bad-ass". Among the Heavy Metal personalities that claim to have business relations with Satan are bands too nasty to mention. If you aren't faint-hearted, Cradle of Filth would be a candy-floss-sweet example.

However, in a statement issued as a response to Christian groups, Satan remarked that "Many of these so-called 'Satanists' would not realize if they found themselves in Hell." This has been amusing him since the early- to mid-20th century, when he invented record companies.

Gaming

Satan's influence extends well beyond the field of music. He is credited with inventing the popular role-playing game known as Dungeons and Dragons that on occasion has inspired teenagers to commit group suicide as well as the MMORPG World of Warcraft (aka WoW as in "wow I can't believe it's been that long since I last had a shower") which is completely evil. If one looks at either the man hours lost to playing the game or the child fatality body count from neglect, it becomes apparent quickly that Satan had a hand in its creation as well as the improvement of the subsequent expansion packs. It is the perfect weapon for Satan to place in the hands of humanity as they will proceed to kill one another (counting in-game) as well as destroy their own "lives" if you can call them lives anymore.

Democrats Satanists? Nooo!

Satanism

Satanists are people who follow Satanism, a cult full of people who are intent on devout absolution, that follow a decree of indulgence as witnessed by the Church of Satan. Satanists are known to be at odds with most everything Christians love, yet own control of everything the government says you are not allowed. The lair of a typical Satanist is a dark misery quorum, where a human can reflect on their actions to ponder why their peers must succumb to a feeble world. Although the description looks bad, Satanism does not worship anarchy, they are probably just seeking attention after a history of abuse observation of allies and comrades doing something against the social normality; and they know that the Christians are the worshipers and idolaters mentioned in the Bible, in research, and found in every correlation in life existing in connection with Dick Cheney, the dark lord.

Why do people like him?

In the story of the Garden of Eden God told man not to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil because he knew they'd eat too much, and he wanted all animals to have their part, have free will and thus live in peace because without free will there is no choice and thus no love. So when Satan told man to eat of the tree before the animals, he gave him the ability to love more than animals.

• Santaists think the story's funny because people think God created love.
• Atheists think someone made up all such stories, which proves there is no God.
• Luciferians find it funny that the atheists are doing their job for them.
• Agnostics find it funny but don't know why, which is hilarious.

Christians think it's not funny at all, because they don't think; they don't dare thinking about such blasphemies.

Other benefits for Satan's followers include Free Heating, being allowed to torture people and all-you-can-eat BBQ meat for the rest of Eternity.

The number of the beast

The number 666 is also referring to Satan. What does the Bible say about the number 666? The Bible mentions it as the Number of the Beast in Revelation 13:18, "This calls for wisdom. Let the person who has insight calculate the number of the beast, for it is the number of a man. That number is 666."

Many people have made endless attempts to decode the number as it seems to be related to a man.

Most likely the number is pointing to a hu-man's own ego. By flipping and turning the individual numbers the word ego can be displayed.

Calculating the number therefore shouldn't be done by a calculator but using one's wisdom using insight as the Bible instructed to do.

It's by far the most logical explanation, as every human has his or her own ego and therefore everyone has a shadow side in his or her personality, which can do bad things.

Oh come on, this is just unrealistic. Do you really think that buff-Satan would be hanging out with all those bears or mickey mouses or whatever they are? And what's with the snake?

 

   The Host of Satans   

Fear their wrath, and beware their confusing names. If you are confused about which one you want, it's probably Original Satan.
Original Satan: The one who fell first.	The Scourge of Europe: EuroSatan
Satan Claus: Ensnaring dyslexics looking for Santa.	Satan's apprentice: Prince of Darkness
Satan Bunny: Beware his cuddliness.	The scariest Satan: Antichrist
Crankypants Satan: Invented toddlers and Disco	The most incomprehensible Satan: Anti-Christ
Space Satan: aka Bat Fuck Satan	Satan of gaming: Sega
Hellmo: Satan of Sesame Street	Satan in command of enemy forces in War on Terra: Bambi
Satin: Is his name a typo?	Satan's younger brother: Stan
Dick Cheney: Republican Satan.	Satan's socialist alter ego: The Devil
GLaDOS: Futuristic Satan of portal	Satan of video gaming: EA