Evil lair

An artist's rendition of what an evil lair looks like from the inside...

...And grainy surveillance footage of what one looks like from the outside.

“YOU DARE BRING LIGHT INTO MY LAIR?! YOU MUST DIE!”

~ Ganon on Evil Lair

An evil lair is a well hidden base from which an aspiring evil genius seeks to carry out his plans. A lair is typically staffed by a variety of henchmen and minions, who seek to serve their master, usually out of fear, greed or mind control.

Types of lairs

Thy dungeon. Note the psiky walls and the dead Dongrel. Thou hast lost thy FLASK.

The main feature of a typical evil lair is that it is secure. Examples include castles, dungeons, pits or fortresses of any description. Isolated volcanic islands are a favorite of the advanced evil geniuses, especially those with aspirations in rocketry.

This guide will aid you in real estate for evil lairs.

Castles

These creepy places look like Dracula lives there. Perfect place for trapdoors leading to mad scientist labs. Best made from stone or other crumbly, ancient material. Moss and arachnids are a bonus, nothing gleaming or clean. The machinery must also be used and tarnished.

Henchmen don't do as well here. Just stick with a creepy butler or servant with a funny accent.

Dungeons

Dungeons are underground. They have loads of flasks that usually hold some serious mead. These are just as old and crumbly as castles, and they don't have too much machinery, preferring to use ancient torture methods and confinement instead.

Not too many of the henchmen will be seen, just the occasional guard and many, many monsters in labyrinths. Most of the machinery will be replaced with potions or other chemistry sets, nothing too technological will be in here.

Fortresses

Fortresses are the cream of the crop. These tend to be very secretive and are well adapted to whatever environment you build them in to coneal them. They are one of the few types of evil lairs where gleaming machinery and laboratories are not out of place, and they are usually constructed as laybrinths to confuse the heroes.

Remember to make sure the air shafts are always small enough so no hero-sized people can fit through them. And your fortress must be well-lit, or you will never be able to work on your evil doom projects. If you are ardent about dark chambers, be sure to use blacklights.

Fortresses are the preferred choice of today's modern villian. The models also come with quarters and recreation centers for your henchmen, because you need a large staff and you need to keep them happy to prevent rebellions.

Volcanic Islands

The rich, aspiring young genius with a near-infinite supply of cash in the form of two tons of gold bullion in a small time/space container that he/she obtained from his/her future successful self will purchase a small, private volcanic island. The best part about those is that they are small enough to to be invisible to GPS and they have enough solitary for the science guys to have some peace and quiet. And just in case your biological weaponry gets out, the island is secluded enough for quarantine.

These are just an upgrade from Fortresses. But they aren't as easy to access for the heroes. It's a mighty fine investment.

Secret laboratory

For the more pseudo-scientific of villains usually with warehouse scale storage space for dooms-day devices, an abundance of revolving walls, excessively long corridors with revolving yellow lighting, oversized diagonally aligned cargo-elevators and cylindrical vats of viscous green liquids; ripe for storage of genetic mutants, severed body parts or armies of clones. Easy access ramps for the disabled villain confined to hover-chair or giant robotic body. Automatic double-doors that go shwooosh. Pet sharks allowed: optional Lazors are to die for. Apply within; easily bypassed optical scanner and palm-print reader for the psychotically determined only.

Caves

Osama spends his time sitting and shitting in a cave and disperses occasional tapes telling you to bomb people, after casting his evil spell on you. Unfortunately, you cannot bomb a man in a cave, but he can bomb you.

What you put in an Evil Lair

Traps

Traps are a basic necessity, and range from ordinary lethal traps and at least one death trap (a torturous and needlessly complex device that causes a slow death that the hero will get strapped into instead of just being shot in the head, thus allowing a chance to escape and make a comeback).

Pit traps and things that shoot out of walls are popular designs among the technologically impaired, while those more gifted in this area show more variety but also a considerable tendency towards using lasers.

Sharks with lasers attached to their heads are an especially effective deterrent to would-be do-gooders though they can also be hard on the hired help.

Other goodies

Other common furnishings include but are not limited to:

• A main control room with a great viewscreen and a digital countdown clock
• An inner sanctum that may double as a meeting place with other heads of the underworld
• Fiendish laboratories that are crawling with crimes against nature. If the villain has any inclinations towards biochemistry, monster/mutant cages that invariably prove too flimsy in a real emergency, or hero attack.
• A self destruct system-how stereotypically wonderful,really original.A self destruct swift seem like a terribly stupid idea from first glance,but this little red button can provide your much needed 30 seconds of escape time(it's likely the most expensive 30 seconds, so make them count), or after your beaten, you wouldn't want the police or a henchmen using your secret documents for themselves would you? Hell no, all your shit is coming with you .

Sentient and malevolent AIs are a bonus.

Secret Evil Lairs?

Secrecy is optional, but plots tend to revolve around the hero finding the lair as well as entering it. The job of the henchmen is then to engage the hero in single combat (when one good rush would finish him off) using their unique specialties, while the minions work feverishly on the final stage of the evil plan and die a lot.

See also

• Dark Lord