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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

I was sitting in my living room very late at night, watching the Friday the 13th franchise. Something felt off, though. I don't mean in the way some horror movies might make you uneasy; something felt really, really wrong. That's when I heard it.

KI KI KI MA MA MA

I immediately got up and looked out the window. That's when I saw the bastard.

Jason Voorhees. Standing underneath a streetlight. No weapon. No credit card. No signup. No bullshit. He's not here to kill me; he's here to lay a goddamn beatdown, no two ways about it. I'll be damned if I let that happen. Me and him were staring at each other for about ten seconds before he started walking towards my house. Time to face the music. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that the Deep-fried Mars Bar is responsible for the deaths of thousands in Scotland? (Pictured)

... that school is an asylum where they mentally and physically abuse you for seven cruel hours, all with your parents' approval?
... that Deus ex machina is Latin for "cop out"?
...that dihydrogen monoxide can kill you, specially if you breathe it?
... that there is a pipe bomb placed in your mailbox?
... that we all smell a little bit like teen spirit, if we go a while without washing?
... that the amazing sensation of excruciatingly warm liquid on the genitals is just one of many reasons to pour boiling hot water down your trousers?
... that I am writing this from beyond the grave?

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In the news [edit]

One simply cannot piss until he scans this.

Dingo eats a women's baby
Interview: A Brief Chat About Uncyclopedia with Uncyclopedian and Lucky star.
Indy police: former NFL quarterback Mark Sanchez literally butt-fumbles in real life
Trump receives COVID vaccine despite supporters making their entire personalities being against it for years
The US government continues to shit itself
Starmer unveils new digital ID cards to help further monitor citizens' pornography intake (Pictured)
BoJo and Co. politely ask Nigel Farage to stop lifting children
Omaha man's order of salmon sliders indistinguishable from salmon burgers
Charlie Kirk gets l+ratio'd during a speech in Utah
Sheeranism officially legalised in Yankeeland
Angela Rayner defects to Reform UK
Hollow Knight: Silksong gets released; Steam crashes for the second time this year
Some mega pop star and her football player boyfriend get engaged. Yaaay.
NFL teams replace female cheerleaders with gay dudes

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 and Spaceballs 2 • Russia-Ukraine "peace talks" • ICE/Antifa clashes • Trump and Elon's couples therapy • Jerry Jones screwing the Dallas Cowboys • Pregnant moms taking Tylenol to give their babies "autism powers" • Democrats and Republicans throwing hissy fits in D.C. • World Series (now featuring endless innings!)

Recent deaths: Trump's pet sloth • Robert Redford • U.S. Federal Government • Jane Goodall • The Yankees' World Series dreams • Diane Keaton • Gaza War • Drew Struzan • Windows 10 • D'Angelo • YouTube player's old design • A singer and a security guard from KISS

Upcoming deaths: DEI • Iran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account • MSNBC • Donald Trump • Aforementioned Tylenol moms • Mark Butt-fumble's career• Coral reefs • Capitalism in NYC • MLB fans' sleep schedules • Jamaica, at the hands of Hurricane Melissa

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On this day [edit]

October 30: All Hallow's Eve Eve

1745 - The English plan for the first annual Dress Like An Idiot Day.
1929 - Thousands of investors sell stock in candy, leading to a stock market crash and a very depressing Halloween.
1989 - Old lady buys apples to give out to trick-or-treaters; still doesn't get it.
2011 - Viewers of The Simpons Treehouse of Horror disappointed once again, will be duped again next year.
2014 - Americans everywhere begin to put up Christmas decorations, or leave the Christmas decor they forgot take down.
2018 - The streets of every major city fill with the scent of pumpkin spice and dead homeless people, taken by the cold of winter nights.

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Picture of the day

Eugene Krabs stands in awe before his establishment as Donald Trump enacts his wonderful tariffs.

Image credit: SystemPhantom
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