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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

The undeniable and terrible truth of the universe. Look within yourself, Michael, you know it to be true.

But it can't possibly be true can it? Please God, this can't be true. This can't be the way the world is; please I want to have faith in humanity.

But no. There is no use pleading, no use denying. The sooner you accept the truth the sooner the real work can begin. Only a weak man denies the plain and evident truth or lets his feelings distract him from the path of destiny. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that playing Dungeons & Dragons has caused many teenagers to loose their grip on reality? (Pictured)

... that the first use of "LOL" is in Shakespeare's play, As You Like It, and that the first use of "OMG" may be found in Macbeth?
... that I don't like them putting chemicals in the water that turn the frickin' frogs gay?
... that Africa's space program has had several successful launches to altitudes over 11 feet?
... that a bird in the hand is better than crabs in your bush?
... that air is a fictional substance that was once believed to fill the space above the surface of the Earth? While this "air theory" was once used to explain various phenomena, air theory, at last refuted, has joined the gene, the atom, Antarctica, and the free lunch in a long list of scientific red herrings.
...that the largest collection of human bullshit is located in the United States Congress?
... that a bird in the hand is better than crabs in your bush?

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In the news [edit]

"It's for the children's own good!"

Trump fires Zakk Wylde
Trump sends condolences to "Ozzie Nelson," "Paul Hogan," "Luigi Mangione"
Epstein list predictions
Starmer bans pornography nationwide (Pictured)
- Starmer to ban VPNs nationwide
Ozzy Osbourne remembers Uncyclopedia
Obama to Democrats: "toughen up, you fucking pussies!"
Trump sends condolences to tough-guy actor "Mikey Madison"
Clint Eastwood announces plans to live forever
Trumpman introduces Trumpmobile
Diddy gets off easy, possibly due to bribing jury
Musk establishes "Porky Pig Party" to combat Trump's "Big Beautiful Bill"
United Nations Secretary General gives up on world peace, World War Three begins
Lawyer is unable to remember what the trial is about, defendant is convicted of burglary

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, TAWOG, Stranger Things 5, and Spaceballs 2 • Russian Invasion • Gaza War • Trump and Elon's feud.. make up.. no one knows anymore • Superman and Super Dog's movie doing surprisingly well • Israel/Iran and Russia/Ukraine "peace talks" • Pittsburgh Steelers adding old players way past their prime • Rock drummer exodus (not to be confused with Tom Hunting or Zbigniew Fyk)

Recent deaths: Diddy's freedom for only 20 years • Michael Madsen • Bill Cosby's TV son • Bryan Kohberger's freedom • Ozzy Osbourne • Chuck Mangione • Hulk Hogan • Resident Alien • Down syndrome • Tom Lehrer • The system • FUBAR

Upcoming deaths: DEI • Pittsburgh Steelers' locker room • R. Kelly • Iran's nuclear program • Oil prices • Diddy's bank account after incoming lawsuits • The asshats who spoiled Squid Game • MAGA • Joe Biden's credibility • The flowers you bring Alan Bergman • Bryan Kohberger, at the hands of his fellow inmates

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On this day [edit]

August 8: For God's Sake Leave Your Damn Phone Alone For 5 Minutes Day

1815 - Napoleon Bonaparte can't get any sig on the island of St. Helena.
1876 - Thomas Edison receives a patent for his mimeograph, which duplicates mimes.
1940 - The German Luftwaffe begin bombarding Great Britain with international text messages carrying sky-high roaming rates.
2004 - Hello? You're calling me that there's shit in the Chicago River? WHAT THE FUCK???
2008 - Wait just a sec, I have a call. Hello? Yeah. Yeah. No, they're right here. I don't know, something about an anniversary. Hah, yeah, I know. And that stupid-looking hat, yeah. Oh, sorry, I gotta let you go.
2025 - Shit, sorry, this is the last call, I promise. Hey. It's on the table. It's on the table. On the table. The table. On the - it's on the FUCKING TABLE! THE TABLE! ON THE TABLE!

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A long time ago, in a galaxy, far, far away...

Image credit: Bad Motherfucker
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