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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

A hardboard has revealed that it suffered abuse at the hands of Rolf Harris for many years, frequently being "made to wobble" on television against its will.

"He promised me a life in showbiz," the board told us, "and my eyes lit up. I had always been ambitious about my future. I didn't want to spend my whole life in the factory – the factory where I was made I mean. I wanted to be part of something big, perhaps a table or a cabinet. When Rolf said he was going to make me a star on stage, I thought he meant as part of the background scenery." Instead, the board revealed, Harris subjected it to decades of humiliating abuse, carrying it on stage in his licentious, hairy arms and "wobbling" it for his own and the crowd's enjoyment.

"I never told anyone because I didn't think people would believe me. I just used to freeze and go stiff as a ... well, as stiff as a board when he grabbed ahold of me, but unfortunately that just made the sound even more effective." (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that the man on the left is late for an important meeting with an international Terrorist and the man on the right is indignant at the increased cost of accessing Internet porn? (Pictured)

... that Freddie Mercury was banned in some European countries due to his extremely radioactive last name?
... that everytime we touch, I get this feeling?
... that the average human male between the ages of 18 and 42 has thought about sex with Brad Pitt at least once?
... that Former President Bush prefers his Tuskegee airmen with a side of risotto and mushrooms?
... that a chicken-proof lawn is impeckable?
... that Michael Jackson should have had more apples to keep his doctor away?
... that Former President Bush prefers his Tuskegee airmen with a side of risotto and mushrooms?

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In the news [edit]

Trump pictured holding up his project in front of his friends. They're all delighted.

Some mega pop star and her boyfriend get engaged. Yaaay.
NFL teams replace female cheerleaders with gay dudes
Trump presents new science project to Cabinet (Pictured)
Uncyclopedia introduces AI Age Guesser™, petition nears 100,000 signatures
Trump fires Zakk Wylde
Trump sends condolences to "Ozzie Nelson," "Paul Hogan," "Luigi Mangione"
Epstein list predictions
Starmer bans pornography nationwide
- Starmer to ban VPNs nationwide
Ozzy Osbourne remembers Uncyclopedia
Obama to Democrats: "toughen up, you fucking pussies!"
Trump sends condolences to tough-guy actor "Mikey Madison"
Clint Eastwood announces plans to live forever

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, Stranger Things 5, and Spaceballs 2 • Russian Invasion • Gaza War • Trump and Elon's feud.. make up.. no one knows anymore • Israel/Hamas and Russia/Ukraine "peace talks" • Rock drummer exodus (not to be confused with Tom Hunting or Zbigniew Fyk) • Chicago Bears winning the preseason • K-pop: the movie doing surprisingly well

Recent deaths: Ozzy Osbourne • Chuck Mangione • Hulk Hogan • Resident Alien • Down syndrome • Tom Lehrer • The system • FUBAR • Cartoon Network/Adult Swim/Toonami on Comcast's basic cable package • Sydney Sweeney's new movie • Terence Stamp • The Devil's Rejects Unrated Director's Cut 4K (also Saw 2 & 3)

Upcoming deaths: DEI • R. Kelly • Iran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account after incoming lawsuits • The flowers you bring Alan Bergman • Bryan Kohberger, at the hands of his fellow inmates • Chicago Bears' regular season • MSNBC • ROBLOX • Cracker Barrel • Lil Nas X

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On this day [edit]

August 28: International Horniness Day.

2,000,000 BC - Homo flaccidus has a hard time getting a date.
1,000,000 BC - Homo erectus gets horny and manages to get his own boner without assistance.
100,000 BC - Homo erectus finally loses its erection and becomes sapiens.
900,000 BC - Adam and Eve become horny.
33 - Jesus horny for the last time.
489 - Theodoric, King of the Ostrogoths defeats Odoacer, King of Cers the at the Battle of Iseeyourgonzoandraiseyouaspliff.
1729 - Man discovers the "hand", women are now useful for cooking, cleaning and raising children only.
1845 - The first issue of Unscientific Horny American is published. The centerfold (which features a different Nobel-Prize-winning scientist each month) proves unpopular, and is discontinued almost immediately.
1941 - Miso Horny named Japan's National Soup.
1942 - Teddy Roosevelt horny in Jacksonville, Florida. He was then arrested.
1987 - Me gets so horny for you.
1988 - In Soviet Russia, horny gets so you for me.
1993 - Haim Saban, after drinking heavily, creates Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.
2009 - Tiger Woods's controversial solution to chronic horniness made public.
2010 - Giant Horny Cheese invades earth and takes Hailers Hostage.

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