Xander Harris
AleXander Harris is the stage name of Lavelle Brendon, who, with his identical twin brother, Maddy (as if one weren't enough, already!), played the typical hopelessly helpless, weak, sissy homosexual male whom Buffy Summers, Willow Rosenberg, Cordelia Chase, and other female characters on Buffy the Vampire Slayer were compelled to save each week from vampires, demons, and the evils of solitary masturbation. Later, to appear courageous and manly, in a girly way, he claimed that he'd lost an eye when his jilted lover Preacher Man gouged it out to fulfill a fantasy of eye-socket sex, and now calls himself One-eyed Jack. Xander's application to be legally recognized as a pirate and thus able to adopt and marry as such is still pending.
It is suspected that Xander has become an immortal on account of surviving seven years of the worst clusterfuck known to man, and not being interesting enough to warrant a death scene.
First Love[edit | edit source]
Xander, as he called himself, in order to appear courageous and manly, in a girly way, fell in love with a football player named Larry, but pretended it was Larry who was really gay and had made a pass (and not a football pass, either) at him while Xander was chatting with him in the boys' locker room about penis size, flavored condoms, and the comparative advantages of various sexual positions. However, Larry was killed by Sunnydale's mayor after the town's leader transformed into a giant penis that squashed Larry under its boulder-size left testicle.
Jilted Love[edit | edit source]
For a while thereafter, Xander resolved to walk the "straight and narrow" and pretended to love first Buffy, then Willow, and then cheerleader Cordelia Chase, who, in her senior year, graced the pages of Playboy magazine. He either jilted each of them or was jilted by them before he met a demon named Emma Peel, or Anya Jenkins. Emma was a nymphomaniac and taught Xander that there were more pleasurable ways to have an orgasm than masturbation. However, when it came time to marry her, Xander's latent homosexuality again surfaced, and he left her at the altar, unable to complete the act because of his fear of the consequences, the honeymoon, that would surely follow were he to do so.
Parental Love[edit | edit source]
Unable to compete with real men in the real world, Xander lived in his parents' basement, complaining of his father's drinking and his mother's poor cooking skills until his parents had enough of his whining and kicked him out of their home. After graduating from high school, he went on a road trip, eating out of Dumpsters, casting his sperm upon the waters of lakes, rivers, and reservoirs throughout Los Angeles, and working for a brief time as a male stripper in a gay nightclub, Jocks' Cocks, before returning to Sunnydale and moving back into his parents' basement.
Loveless Love[edit | edit source]
He worked as a food vendor, a bartender, a telephone-sex operator, and a delivery man before finding his niche as a carpenter (one of the approved jobs for gay men, the others being cowboy, soldier, hairdresser, and interior designer). He moved into an apartment with Anya, whose presence provided evidence to substantiate his claim to be heterosexual.
Unrequited Love[edit | edit source]
During The Battle to End the Mother of All Battles, Anya was killed, and Xander went to Africa to sample the continent’s “dark meat” for a while before becoming enthralled by Dracula and serving as his butt boy and manservant. He hoped to settle down with Spike, but the vampire was toasted during The Battle to End the Mother of All Battles. Instead he settled for an empty relationship as stud muffin to Buffy's jailbait sister Dawn.
The Chuck Factor[edit | edit source]
Being constantly surrounded by more powerful witches, cheerleaders, and small children caused many to question what Xander's contribution could be once the monster of the week had fulfilled it's homosexual rape fantasies. This lead to an objective and painful examination to determine Xander's combat abilities. He registered at 0.0001 Yotta-Chucks, meaning 10 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 Xanders would be roughly equivalent to a degraded blindfolded Chuck Norris clone hung over from consuming the entire Mexican tequila reserve. (All attempts to calibrate this scale with the actual Chuck Norris have lead to the disappearance of the research team and their mothers spontaneously exploding from roundhouse kick related injuries.) This explains why Xander has repeatably been able to knock out normal humans with a single punch.