Gun control

Chuck Norris does not need guns, but he will destroy you if you try to take away his sock.

“From my cold, dead hands ...”

~ Every cop, fed, and politician in America

Gun control was invented by liberal watchdogs to ensure the Red States never again attempt to secede from the Union.

Reasons (excuses)

Seeing as how armed criminals have a penchant for felony murder, rape, and robbery, liberals were certain that misdemeanor gun charges would deter them from carrying guns. These rules are easily enforced since everyone knows that all guns used in crimes are purchased in federally licensed gun stores by licensed individuals who register the guns are leave the serial number intact. There is no way that criminals would purchase or steal unregistered, black-market firearms with their numbers filed off. And certainly there is no way anybody would ever simply print their own gun with a 3D printer.

Police

Keeping guns away from homeowners who have families to protect makes perfect sense – assuming of course somebody's awake to call somebody. ("When seconds count, we're just minutes away.") Besides, homeowners can easily fend off robbers/rapists with dogs, pepper spray, martial arts, knives, broken bottles, bows and arrows, blowtorches, chainsaws, pitchforks and baseball bats until the police arrive, provided nothing breakable is in the way and the house doesn't burn down.

Guns are bad. Period.

• Guns kill people, much in the same way that pencils make spelling mistakes and computers commit internet fraud.
• If you use a gun to defend your life, there is a 100% chance that the criminal will disarm you and use your own gun against you, even though the criminal will probably be carrying a weapon of his own.
• The average law abiding citizen does not have the skill required to use a gun in self defence properly. Guns are extremely complicated devices and can be used properly only by NASA-trained super-police officers.
• Guns are an extremely easy and simple way for criminals to murder people.
• We must ban all guns because there are thousands of unstable lunatics out there who will get hold of them and kill dozens of innocent people.
• Those who argue that they need guns to defend themselves from unstable lunatics are clearly paranoid.
• Only the police and military can be trusted with guns. Be warned, pro-gunners (a.k.a. pro-murderers) will try to tell you that the most deadly shooting spree in history was carried out a by a South Korean police officer using police issue weapons. This is a lie. No police officer or military person has ever abused their position or had a mental breakdown, ever.

Famous advocates (proponents)

• Adolf Hitler
• Benito Mussolini
• Mao Zedong
• Josef Stalin
• Pol Pot
• Idi Amin
• Fidel Castro
• Kim Jong Il
• Joe Biden
• Rep. Carolyn McCarthy
• Barack Hussein Obama
• Sen. Charles Schumer
• NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg
• William Jefferson (Bill) Clinton
• Muammar Gaddafi
• Robert Mugabe
• Francisco Franco

Famous opponents (amateur and semi-pro ponents)

• Mohandas Ghandi
• Charlton Heston
• Archie Bunker

Criticism

Some redneck fools have been critical of gun control. They have claimed that disarming a population will leave them vulnerable to naturally opportunistic criminals. Why nothing could be further from the truth! Criminals would have to yield to gun-free zones as they did at Columbine, and again and again and again at the Westroads Mall.

Sexism

A few whining women have complained that gun control is sexist. This is a simpleminded fallacy spouted by red leader Sarah Palin. If the world has learned anything from anime it's that a 300-pound rapist will easily be overwhelmed by a 105-pound 15-year-old schoolgirl. There is hardly any case to be said that a woman might need a gun to protect herself against biologically stronger opponents. Since gun control frequently targets low-caliber, low-recoil, easily concealed handguns that women favor, it is doing a great job of protecting those otherwise at-risk rapists. What kind of politician would want to have his state's rapists at risk of armed female reprisals?

Right to arm bears (and vice versa) schism

The gun nuts who so foolishly cling to their cause of "self-defense" cite the Constitution as an excuse to remain dangerously armed. So what if the 2nd amendment says Americans have the right to be armed? So what if the Supreme Court ruled that the right applies to individuals and not just the state militias? Since when does the Supreme Court interpret the law? The Constitution says it's their job, but no one cares. Everyone knows that old parchment is worthless. America now exists to be regulated by liberals who have your best interests at heart, just like Dr. Kevorkian. But since the liberals don't really go by the Constitution anyway, why should they start with this part?

Assault weapons

Assault weapons are rarely used in crime. The term assault weapon was created by the liberal media to describe a group of scary guns that have military-like features. None of them have automatic fire, but since they look like they do, it is easy to say that someone will modify them to shoot that way. The Federal Assault Weapon Ban (expired 2004) was so successful at stopping crimes committed with assault weapons that the government did not have to renew it! The mechanics of assault weapons make them safer to use. Things like standard capacity magazines, pistol grips, barrel shrouds, flash suppressors, muzzle compensators, and telescoping stocks allow a homeowner to more readily defend their homes. Otherwise, criminals will not have a fair chance to kill you before the police arrive.

Conclusion

Gun control denies women and the elderly the ability to fight back against attackers. It creates a group of easy prey for criminals. It bans guns with features that make them safer. It tears a Constitutional right right out of the writing hands of citizens. It is also a fashionable cause that celebrities and scientologists both love. In short, gun control makes perfect sense.

Notes

LAW & ORDER