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Jimmy Blackman is widely regarded as being tied for being the greatest man, tied with his brother, Jimmy Mozzarella. Enlisted in the Marine Corps at the age of three, he retired, obtained every medal, and became a professional bank robber in the Mozzarella crime family.

Jimmy Blackman was born on December 6, 1969. Born out of a can of beans, he was the only member of the Jimmy family to come out of the can of beans fully grown. At the age of three, Jimmy decided to enlist in the U.S Marine Corps. Blackman was quickly rising through the ranks until he became the General of the Military at the age of six. Deployed in Vietnam, he, just like his brother, fought in the Vietnam War. Except, Blackman fought every single battle in Vietnam. How? Who knows, it's Jimmy Blackman, he can do anything. Jimmy was severely injured in the Hue-Da Nang Campaign, due to an accidental explosion of white phosphorus. However, he remained in the hospital for only three hours before he returned to battle, making mince meat of the Vietcong soldiers. Months later, Blackman stole a shit load of white phosphorus and immediately launched it on unsuspecting civilians. Hilarious! (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that there's only one way to party? (Pictured)

... Nautical knots are not knots that can be knotted into knots (most likely not)?
... that this is just a distraction while we take your car?
... that those suspicious white spots on your professor's blazer are in fact mayonnaise?
... that Kitten Huffing is a popular, though controversial, alternative to street drugs such as skag and crank?
... that vaccinations and computer games combined make a deadly cocktail for autism?
... that I am writing this from beyond the grave?
... that sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from science?

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In the news [edit]

400 years of Ottoman rule was "a total dick move," says Biden.

President pardons Türkiye (Pictured)
Pennsylvania: Should I vote for Mike Doyle or Mike Doyle?
People in Los Angeles have another thing to make their lives more miserable
Benedict Cumberbatch: Doctor Strange 2 a better horror movie than Halloween Ends
Russian people are sick of being Russians
You won't believe who dies on The Crown
Mmm mmm mmm mmm
Late delivery: Ayman al-Zawahiri loses a Connect 4 matchup against Joe Biden
ABC waiting for Norman Lear to "croak"
Gigli becomes highest grossing film of all time
Survivor is getting a real-death spinoff
Opinion: Yes, I'm a Twihard. Let me explain
UK judge desperate to cancel Julia Louis-Dreyfus

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Recent deaths: Jerry Lee Lewis · Westworld · Kevin Conroy · Gallagher · Jason David Frank
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On this day [edit]

November 28: Panic Day/Tell-someone-you-know-you-had-sex-with-someone-they-don't day

1834 - AAAAAAIIIIEE! Help! We're all going to die!
1979 - Don't Panic
2000 - Y2K kills the entire planet.
2005 - The 113th annual World Autofellatio Championship contest begins. If you have children, panic.
The Future - Jesus returns to earth with many holo-hookers
The Future + 1 - Raptor Jesus pokévolves from Your Mom
The Future + 2 - Jesus meets Raptor Jesus and the universe implodes.

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