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Jimmy Mozzarella is a hitman, astronaut, mobster, NBA, MLB player, boxer, doctor, drug dealer, racer, moonshiner, Vietnam veteran, and dictator, amongst many other things except a coward. He is a damn fine man. Jimmy Mozzarella is the definition of a man. He has brute strength, an IQ of 396, outstanding speed, god-like reaction time, and boy, oh boy, does he have some fine women! Heh, nobody in the world past or present has come close to the greatness of Jimmy Mozzarella. Jimmy has three other brothers, Jimmy Blackman, Jimmy Whiteman, and Jimmy Parmesan.
Jimmy Mozzarella birthed himself out of a can of beans on April 20, 1969. He learned to walk when he was 3 days old. A quite mischievous toddler, he frequently stole candy and toys from the other toddlers. After a failed robbery attempt on another toddler, which later grew up to be George Washington, he was arrested by police, but shortly escaped after killing the two officers, thus becoming the youngest person to be on the FBI's Most Wanted list. (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... that the Gay Agenda is out to get you? (Pictured)
- ... that we all smell a little bit like teen spirit, if we go a while without washing?
- ... that if you put an ear up to a person's leg you can hear them say, "What the fuck are you doing?"
- ... that telling someone you masturbated to their Facebook picture is frowned upon in society?
- ... that a simile is like a metaphor? And hyperbole is the greatest thing ever?
- ... that goldfish are neither gold nor fish?
- ... that Martin Van Buren is a total dick and nobody likes him?
- ... that babies explode when you put them in the microwave?
In the news
- Russian people are sick of being Russians
- You won't believe who dies on The Crown
- Mmm mmm mmm mmm
- Late delivery: Ayman al-Zawahiri loses a Connect 4 matchup against Joe Biden
- ABC waiting for Norman Lear to "croak"
- Gigli becomes highest grossing film of all time
- Survivor is getting a real-death spinoff
- Opinion: Yes, I'm a Twihard. Let me explain
- UK judge desperate to cancel Julia Louis-Dreyfus
- Jury decides Amber Heard is bad at fake crying
- Ukraine wins Eurovision
Ongoing: Russian Invasion · ABBA · COVID-19
Recent deaths: Elizabeth II · Mikhail Gorbachev · Jean-Luc Godard · Coolio (Pictured)
Upcoming deaths: Vladimir Putin · Norman Lear · Xi Jinping · Jean-Luc Picard · "Weird Al" Yankovic
On this day
October 4: International Holiday In Space Day, National Day of No National Holidays (Botswana), International Zombie appreciation day
- 1582- The Gregorian Calendar is implemented, skipping straight from October 4 to October 15. This new calendar replaced the Julian Calendar, and was the final straw in a massive flame war between Julius Caesar and Pope Gregory the Great.
- 1846 - Smithsonian Institution opens its first Air and Space Museum. Due to the limited technology of the day, the exhibits consist of a kite, a feather, and a weird-shaped greenish rock that "looks kinda like it coulda come from space, or som'thin".
- 1985 - The comic strip Fred Basset quixotically debuts in American newspapers.
- 1991 - Leo Fender, inventor of the electric guitar, passes away. His death is marked by a minute of silent rockin' out on the air guitar (pictured).
Picture of the day
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Symphonia, the Greek goddess of rock (Opera in Roman mythology) was one of the lesser goddesses born to Tethys and Oceanus. She is said to bless those who truly appreciate "a killer riff" by turning herself into a sculpture made out of stone (it is assumed marble). She is considered a lesser goddess because this happened only once. Image credit: Zombiebaron |
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