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From today's featured article 

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You are wasting this internet site's time. You should be writing something, but instead you are just sitting there, waiting for it to entertain you. You could even be the Time Magazine Person of the Year. Don't you have any sense of responsibility? How can you live with yourself? Think about all the times you've laughed heartily at some passing rejoinder in the forums, guffawed mightily at a clever turn of phrase on your talkpage, or even politely smiled at some article during your favorite Uncyclopedia program: HumorSearch. Don't you think you owe it to this wiki to put in at least a semblance of effort to return the favor? You should cease and desist all extraneous and benign activity and write an article.

Okay, that was incredibly rude, mate. Firstly, I think you should be the one writing the article, seeing as you are the one who bloody gives a damn. Secondly, by caring about what I do with every second of my precious time spent on Uncyclopedia and forming an essay on what I should be doing, you have wasted more of the common people's time than I could ever imagine. Thirdly, how can you live with yourself? You think yourself funny, don't you? Well I don't. You are an idiot and have problems. Bugger off.

What? Who says "bugger" besides Captain Price? Probably some British creeper. British creeper, whoever you are, you need to "bugger" off, you filthy "wanker"! (Full article...)

Did you know... 

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  • ... that in Rhode Island any marriage where either of the party is an idiot and/or lunatic is considered null & void? And therefore, almost everyone in the state is, technically, a bastard? (Pictured)
  • ... that Afghanistan is known for its lush dirt farms, where dirt and dust are cultivated by villagers to enhance the scenic emptiness for which the region is known?
  • ... that less than 10% of the world's cactus population contains gold inside?
  • ... that Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination A, the sister drug to Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination B, is very effective against Stupendous Tropical Meningitis?
  • ... tennis isn't just a game?
  • ... that a drummer is someone who hangs out with musicians?
  • ... that telling someone you masturbated to their Facebook picture is frowned upon in society?
  • ... that while laughter is the best medicine, many cancer patients prefer chemotherapy?

In the news 

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Too bad you can't customize this in the original.

Ongoing: Eurovision Green Room in danger of sexual harassment • The wait for GTA VI and Spaceballs 2 • Larry Sanger's war on Wikipedia • Non-Bears invading Tennessee • Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • New England Patriots fans being insufferable like it's 2016 • r/TheDarnold having a field day • ICE-y chaos in Minnesota • Fallout from the Epstein Files

Recent deaths: The MetroCard • Stranger Things • the other Black guy from John Carpenter's The Thing • Bob Weir • Scott Adams • Kianna Underwood • Buffalo Bills', San Francisco 49ers', Houston Texans' and Da Bears' seasons • Bo Nix's ankle • Sean McDermott's Bills tenure • Denver Broncos' and Los Angeles Rams' seasons • Uncyclopedia • Catherine O'Hara • Lamont

Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!!

Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Netflix • Dancin' Maduro • Aaron Rodgers' career • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files (cough cough Bill and Hillary Clinton) • Travis Kelce

On this day 

RACHEL!!!! STOP WRITING MATH PROBLEMS FOR 8TH GRADERS AND GIVE ME BACK MY KIDS!!!!

February 6: Nihilism Day

  • 1489 - Nothing truly happens, for life is bereft of all meaning.
  • 1555 - What is even "meaning"? But a futile attempt to give essence to what is without it?
  • 1644 - We are but things, mere atoms, floating in a miasma of angst, seeking out pain to fill a never-ending hole. A hole... of pain.
  • 1709 - Where is God? He is nowhere. A marketing gimmick by the, uhh, bead companies, to sell beads.
  • 1882 - You know what else is bereft of meaning? Family court. Family court, yet another "institution" meant to bring order in an order-less world.
  • 1905 - Rachel! Let me see the kids! Goddamnit Rachel I can't even see their faces!!! You whore!!! Rachel!!!
  • 1941 - Just the weekends, Rachel, please, just the weekends...

Picture of the day

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 "And verily because it was Christ's last bachelor party, the guys also did pay for a lap dance." Many artists have sought inspiration from Judith Priest's famous dance before the Lord as portrayed in Lewd Acts of the Apostles.

Image credit: Prettiestpretty
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This Uncyclopedia is written in English, supposedly. Started in 2005, it currently contains 41,111 articles. Many other parody wikis are available; some of the lamest are listed below.

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