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From today's featured article
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Today I arrived at last in the little village of Butpluk in the Carpathian Mountains. This is the village nominated by Count Dracula as the place I should meet his agent, Michael Fate of Grim, Black, Fate and Associates, who will convey me to the Count's castle in a Ford hire carriage. How I do hope that I am successful in this enterprise! If my firm is happy with me I shall have a promotion! At long last, I shall be Junior Undersoliciter grade IIb! With an extra four shillings thruppence per annum I will at long last be making enough money to buy my beloved Mina a fruit bowl! Perhaps, when she realises how I have triumphed in the organisation of her melons, she will wish to marry me!
The locals are rather withdrawn. The landlord was friendly at first, but since I mentioned my business with Count Dracula he has treated me very oddly. Every time he sees me, he waves a crucifix or a string of garlic at me. I imagine that perhaps this is some form of local menu. I mouth "NOT HUNGRY" back at him and point at my stomach, but then he just laughs and makes a throat cutting gesture, and then mimes dying, while his wife tries not to weep helplessly. It's perplexing but there's nothing you can't solve with a smile. Glad I brought some sandwiches, though. (Full article...)
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Did you know...
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- ... that to the untrained ear, John Aglethorpe's Ode to the Monotony of Life may simply sound like one continuous, monotonous tone, but the song is actually composed mostly of alterations between the A sharp and B flat notes tied together?
- ... that I let the dogs out, and you can't do a goddamn thing about it?
- ... that Abraham Lincoln was an accomplished skateboarder?
- ... that in some parts of Europe, glory holes are preferred to bidets?
- ... that oxygen is a highly addictive drug, with 100% of all users becoming addicted with their first hit?
- ... that sheep shrink when it rains?
- ... Altaïr has excelled in the tactics of fooling the mentally challenged?
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In the news
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"One small step for you, one giant paycheck for me."
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On this day
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July 22: Oh, my God! It's National Hysteria Day, and you HAVEN'T MADE ANY PLANS!
- 0 – Scientist decide the Earth is round, not flat. This is proven wrong when a sailor "falls" of the world and is never seen again.
- 1066 – King Harold inaugerates National Hysteria Day with his famous speech "Holy shit! It's the fucking Normans! AAAAAAAAA!"
- 1855 – An brief cease-fire is called in the Crimean War until Lord Raglan gets his sobbing under control.
- 1929 – Dozens of stockbrokers and bankers leap out of windows in wild National Hysteria Day celebration.
- 1966 – Australian Prime Minister Sir Robert Menzies celebrates the nine hundredth anniversary of National Hysteria Day by running around in circles, screaming.
- 1986 – Copious amounts of vodka-induced partying causes several employees of the Chernobyl nuclear power plant to hysterically panic when the reactor can't handle the sound system. They take out a few control rods to compensate the drain on the power grid.
- 1990 – Media outlets report the outbreak of a deadly virus in the United States. Thirty-eight people die of panic attacks from the announcement, and two people are killed by the virus itself.
- 2006 – TOTAL FUCKING HYSTERIA!!!
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