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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

tap tap

Is this thing on?

tap tap

I told the shmendriks in logistics to make sure everything is prepared before I start this part.

HELLO? CAN ANYONE HEAR ME?

waves of feedback from the speakers, congregation cringes

Tekiah Gedolah!

feedback like a shofar, congregation laughs

Ah! So those shlimazels can actually do something for once. Since they didn't manage to block the credit crunch, I lost faith in them.

congregation giggles

So, chevralach, thank you all for coming for this pre-Shabbat get together of the congregation. I'd especially like to thank Mrs. Rubinstein for preparing all the lovely krepalach for the meeting. Thank you Rebecca, much appreciated. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that the WWF is the only "sports entertainment" organization endorsed by PETA and Greenpeace? (Pictured)

... that Calvin and Hobbes was an action-packed buddy comedy series that ran from 1542-1549, featuring philosophers John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes as themselves?
... that communist jokes are only funny if everyone gets them?
... that the populations of many endangered species can be increased with a simple Wikipedia edit?
... that the fictional droid C-3PO is fluent in over six million forms of communication, but only four of them are love?
... that the first use of "LOL" is in Shakespeare's play, As You Like It, and that the first use of "OMG" may be found in Macbeth?
... that Freddie Mercury was banned in some European countries due to his extremely radioactive last name?
... that we all smell a little bit like teen spirit, if we go a while without washing?

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In the news [edit]

Trump sends condolences to tough-guy actor "Mikey Madison" (Pictured)
Clint Eastwood announces plans to live forever
Trumpman introduces Trumpmobile
Diddy gets off easy, possibly due to bribing jury
Musk establishes "Porky Pig Party" to combat Trump's "Big Beautiful Bill"
United Nations Secretary General gives up on world peace, World War Three begins
Netanyahu and Khamenei get it on
- Trump joins in for threesome, blows load
- Khamenei fails to follow up after dirty talk, taps out
Elon Musk breaks up with Trump
Trump sends condolences to "Sly Stallone"
Trump celebrates TACO Wednesday by reversing course on long-held campaign promise
THE ROCKIES HAVE WON A SERIES!

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, TAWOG, Stranger Things 5, and Spaceballs 2 • Russian Invasion • Gaza War • Trump and Elon's feud.. make up.. no one knows anymore • Animal-related live-action remakes kicking Snow White's ass • Jaws 50th anniversary • Colorado Rockies game replacing Jaws airing • Israel/Iran "peace talks" • Pittsburgh Steelers adding old players way past their prime

Recent deaths: Ariana Grande's Nonna • Canadian team's bid to win the Stanley Cup, again • PF4Eva's headphone cable • Jimmy Swaggart • Diddy's freedom for only 20 years • Michael Madsen • Diogo Jota

Upcoming deaths: DEI • Tom Cruise's career of sprinting on-screen • New York Knicks' future success • Pittsburgh Steelers' locker room • Greta Thunberg? • R. Kelly • Iran's nuclear program • Oil prices • Dumbasses with fireworks in their backyards • Diddy's bank account after incoming lawsuits

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On this day [edit]

July 5: X Day; Day After We Kicked The Brits Ass Day (Southern US)

334 BC – Masturbation is accidentally invented by Plato in Athens. His diciple Aristoteles is later declared "Master of his domain"
1687 – Isaac Newton (pictured) discovers gravity after being hit on the head by a falling fig.
1689 – After outbreak of falling fruit, Isaac Newton officially changes gravity to 7.
1946 – The bikini is introduced in Paris, France. Later, no bikini atoll was the trend.
1967 – The first kidney transplant to be made entirely of lego bricks ends in tragedy
1976 – Dumbass starts running across the United States.
1998 – Aliens fail to turn up and fry everyone to a pink crisp.
1999 – Again, the aliens miss the due date.
2000 – Yet again, the aliens fail to meet their contractual obligations.
2001 – Cultists get seriously pissed off with yet another no-show.
2002 – Kooks consider taking legal action against missing aliens.
2003 – Aliens turned up, but not the right aliens. Bloody mocking tourists.
2004 – No one turns up because no one expects the aliens to. And, yup, they didn't.
2005 – If you are reading this, the aliens did not turn up for the 8th year running.
2005 – Longest fart in world history. Produced by AMB.
2006 – That's right, still no aliens.
2006 – Zombies become extinct.
2007 – Deal or No Deal? The aliens decide to take the money and not show up - again!
2010 – The Church Of The Subgenius hijacks the Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/July 5 page
2155 – Aliens almost turned up but missed a left due to wrong directions and landed on Venus.
2156 – Aliens turn up and land in Tokyo but flee due to a Gundam Statue that lit up at night.
19447 – Aliens appear as tourists, but at this point no one cares.

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Picture of the day

Calvin and Hobbes was a popular comic strip during the 80s and 90s which discussed various religious ideas. Though he would later become known for his theory of predestination, John Calvin, shown here, was plagued by recurring religious doubt throughout his early career.

Image credit: Squiggle
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