From today's featured article
Gangrene is a curse afflicted upon the lovers of vice for their lack of faith, wherein the limbs of the cursèd are made black like the heart of Satan, upon whose maleveolent will rests the fate of all men who seek not the light but the dark. For most severe cases, one sees the maggots feast on the deadening muscle and tendon, gorge upon the fat like B'aal feasting on the iniquities of man. A trained plague doctor may extract these maggots and decant them over the posteriors of those unfortunates whose nostrils unceasingly sneeze.
A diagnosis for gangrene may in due haste be ascertained by only the most trained and battle-weathered, for whom the colors of pustules and the angles of boils are like the trodden forest paths of a village childhood, borne within and known dearly in one's heart, lov'd and from rote recited as if the Lord's Prayer. Lacking a doctor of discerning birth or knowledge, it is best to lie in wait and let Death seize you. (Full article...)
In the news
- Weird Al Removes R. Kelly parody from streaming (Pictured)
- Editorial note: Fakelogo template
- Sesame Street finally realizes it's on HBO
- Beto O'Rourke puts finishing touches on 2020 Presidential concession speech
- Roman Catholic Church canonizes Frosty the Snowman as a divine being
- Studies show clinical depression at an all-time low
- Trump news roundup: Plea deals, felonies, and a little girl dies in Border Patrol
- Santa Claus now "probably about a four" on the Kinsey scale
- Whirlpool Galaxy files restraining order against Neil deGrasse Tyson
- Jeff Bezos caught stuffing old fat dude into his trunk
- Trump releases abhorrent holiday stimulus package
- George H.W. Bush dies: Best and worst of his life
- Murphy Brown revival not cancelled, (Dan Quayle joke withheld in light of recent events)
Did you know
- ... that Hans Helmuth Saltzman's collection of Camera Obscura images is the best preserved of the Renaissance era? (Pictured)
- ... that if you put an ear up to a person's leg you can hear them say, "What the fuck are you doing?"
- ... that apparently, this Charles Norris fellow is quite the ruffian?
- ... that the phrase "¡Ay Chihuahua!" can be used to mean both "no, I don't have any bathtub cheese" and "yes, I have a great deal of bathtub cheese"?
- ... that a simile is like a metaphor? And hyperboles are the greatest thing ever?
- ... that 5/3 people cannot do fractions?
- ... that every time you fall asleep, you die?
- ... that to the untrained ear, John Aglethorpe's Ode to the Monotony of Life may simply sound like one continuous, monotonous tone, but the song is actually composed mostly of alterations between the A sharp and B flat notes tied together?
On this day
- 1605 - Guy Fawkes was definitely not a secret Protestant double-agent trained to make Catholics look bad.
- 1914 - The squirrels had absolutely nothing to do with the assassination of Franz Ferdinand.
- 1952 - Adolf Hitler is obviously not swimming in the frozen Arctic sea as a merman after a radiation experiment gone wrong.
- 1977 - AIDS was not at all created by the FBI and pinned on the CIA after they won the inter-agency tennis match last summer.
- 2001 - The Twin Towers were definitely not brought down by the Swedish as revenge for all the shitty Ikea jokes.
- 2016 - The perfidious Russians never spent millions on Vermin Supreme's presidential campaign.
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Today's featured picture
- 15 And Wilde turned, and went down from the mount, and the two tables of the testimony were in his hand: the tables were written on both their sides; on the one side and on the other were they written.
- 16 And the tables were the work of God, and the writing was the writing of God, graven upon the tables.
Image credit: Zombiebaron
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