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From today's featured article 

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A function is a relatively simple mathematical tool, used by great professors and not-so-great professors alike as a vital application to various numbers here and there to transform them into different numbers, but using the same process. This factor of regularity makes the function a fairly crucial aid in the mathematical equivalent of working in a Tibetan iPad packaging plant. Nevertheless, the sheer determination of those attempting to use the functions for a task as monotonous as the wrapping of poorly constructed imitation tablet computers made of cardboard and horse testicles is near incomparable with the mathematical geniuses of maths's heyday.

Yes, such innovative use of functions is scant in this modern world of failing economy and MS Calculator. The great functions and formulae of the days when mathematics was valued above such things as charity and prostitution were simple things, yet elegantly complicated in the array of practical yet overly long sums the masters would come up with. Unfortunately, the limited attention span of the new generation faces us with a scarcity of four-dimensional thinking and an abundance of lustful masturbation in males. (Full article...)

Did you know... 

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  • ... that the waterways of Oslo, Norway are much like Venice, except that they are open sewers? (Pictured)
  • ... that in 1933, the Supreme Court accidentally repealed the 19th Amendment instead of the 18th Amendment, causing FDR - who abused Eleanor while he was in a wheelchair - to be reelected three more times due to women being banned from voting in the 1930's and 1940's?
  • ... that 98% of Americans have no idea what they would do in a hypothetical situation?
  • ... that my dad reproduces asexually, thus making me impervious to yo momma jokes?
  • ... that the apostrophe is a small animal which has infected millions of books?
  • ... that this is just a distraction while we take your car?
  • ... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one?
  • ... that you've just lost the game?

In the news 

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James Earl Jones 1931-2024

Ongoing: Russian Invasion • Israel-Hamas conflict • United States presidential election
Recent deaths: Aerosmith • Charles Cyphers • The media's memory of Kamala Harris's lousy first interview • Trump and Kamala's first debate • Gena Rowlands • Peter Marshall • Greg Kihn • Phil Donahue • James Earl Jones
Upcoming deaths: Vladimir Putin • Kate Middleton • NFL fans' attention to their wives and girlfriends • Noam Chomsky • The Sims 5 • Google as a monopoly • Scar

On this day 

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September 12: Captain Picard Appreciation Day

  • 14,000 BC - Q sends the crew of the USS Enterprise-E back in time to the country of France. Spitting in the face of the Prime Directive once again, Picard teaches the cavemen how to paint on the walls, a trait still exhibited in toddlers.
  • 490 BC - A Greek guy runs 42.195 km from Marathon to Athens, announcing the Persian defeat and survival of Western civilization. Unfortunately, he is overtaken in the last leg by the team from Kenya and has a heart attack.
  • 22 - Museum of Ancient Geese opens
  • 1609 - Mark Smith discovers the Hudson River. Shortly after the discovery, Henry Hudson stabs him and claims it for himself. This is generally considered the fifth greatest coincidence of all time.
  • 1683 - Battle of Vienna - Several European armies join forces to defeat the Ottoman Empire and their allies, the Sultanate of Sofa.
  • 1818 - Richard Gatling, inventor of the gatling gun, is born. By six he has invented a rapid-fire slingshot and by ten, a BB gun featuring a rotating array of twelve barrels.
  • 1940 - Q sends a young Jean-Luc Picard and three of his high school peeps back in time to this date. The group discovers the Lascaux cave paintings.
  • 1951 - Anti-rioting technology goes on display in Paris. Rioting ensues.
  • 1984 - Leonard Bernstein dies for the second time.
  • 1990 - East and West Germany share a tearful Reunion
  • 1991 - The Cold War ends, and many people are left thinking, "it wasn't that cold". It was that cold in Russia.
  • 1997 - This was an actual year??
  • 2001 - Amnesiacs International select the World Trade Center in New York City as the site of their 2002 convention.
  • 2003 - Johnny Cash passes away. But first he shoots a man in Reno, just to watch him die.
  • 2005 - England regain the Ashes, only to realise the next day the whole series was just a dream.

Picture of the day

Sistine Graffiti
 A great disturbance was recorded in the historical community today when what appeared to be a preliminary version of the Michelangelan Fresco that decorates the Sistine Chapel was found spraypainted on a remote alleyway in Rome. Notable historians whatsisname and thatguy said it was due to Michelangelo's intense desire to be accepted into the Renaissance art movement, which they say "required a fair amount of street cred."

Image credit: Zombiebaron
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