From today's featured article
MR. PINK: "Like a Whore" is all about a man who digs a girl with a big dick. The whole song is a metaphor for big dicks.
MR. BLUE: No it's not. It's about a guy who is very vulnerable, and needs to be held by big strong arms.
JOE CABOT: (looking through an address book) Tobey Maguire.. who the fuck is Tobey Maguire?
MR. WHITE: (grabs the book out of his hand and pockets it) You're not getting this back until the plot says so.
MR. BROWN: Dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick.
MR. ORANGE: How many dicks was that?
MR. BROWN: It's how many I've taken before.
[the fellas crack up]
Did you know...
- ... that I just had sex, and hey do you got any napkins?
- ... that the amazing sensation of excruciatingly warm liquid on the genitals is just one of many reasons to pour boiling hot water down your trousers?
- ... that if you were to stack up all the elephants on Earth, those elephants would die?
- ... that the packets of silica gel that say "DO NOT EAT" are actually delicious?
- ... that Alaska's principle exports include snow, ice, frozen water, and permafrost?
- ... that midget cockpunching terrorists are a threat to America and her allies?
- ... that Anonymous has written over 4,323,904,528 poems and 23,900,241 short stories, among a million other kinds of written word?
In the news
- Newsom picks Mississippi-born Maryland resident to be California senator
- Writers strike ENDS!!! (Pictured)
- Blackdick removed from Saw X
- Bar fight breaks out at formal dinner party
- Kevin Spacey FULLY ACQUITTED!!!
- Twitter bird has ceased to be!
- SAG-AFTRA on strike: Where are the B-listers?
- Pat Sajak retiring from Wheel of Fortune, Vanna says, "GIV_ M_ A RAIS_!"
- Vladimir Putin assassinated by Carrie Mathison
- Singer Tina Turner dies at 83
- Sweden wins Eurovision, Loreen becomes first artist to win twice since Johnny Logan
- Uncyclopedia writers on strike!
Ongoing: Hollywood on strike · Russian Invasion · ABBA
Recent births: Ginny Weasley's baby
Recent deaths: Gary "Dream Weaver" Wright · The Writers Guild of America negotiations · Donald "Ducky" Mallard · The Writers Guild of America strike (2023) · Albus Dumbledore
Upcoming deaths: SAG-AFTRA strike 2023 · Kris Kristofferson · Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter
On this day
- -1195 AD - The King of Persia launches a surprise attack on Rome with their new and improved rugs. Cesar Chavez's army crushes the attacks with a combined Pirate and Ninja fleet.
- 1423 - First recorded joke of a man making a pun on the word 'come'.
- 1915 - Steel prices skyrocket due to the large number of pet hamsters owned in Japan.
- 1952 - Due to shortages of metal after World War II, hamsters are forced to wear discarded cutlery.
- 1978 - Aluminium asses are proved to give greater power to weight ratio for the hamster.
- 1982 - Discovered that uranium hamster ass was "probably not a very good idea".
- 2004 - PETA activists blockade McDonalds fast-food outlets to protest against the cruel, barbaric process of retrofitting hamsters with metal asses.
- 2015 - Apple creates iLife, therefore having a lifespan of 6 months before something newer and better than you is released.
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