From today's featured article
I love Claudia Schiffer so much. I love her in jeans. I love her in the Bon Jovi video. I love her on the cover of Trump Fans of Indonesia magazine. I just love her so much. I love her more than I love Rammstein, the movie The Lives of Others and Heinz mayo, combined. Why do I love Claudia so much? I have no idea. I just do.
I started loving Claudia when I was a kid, I guess. I was watching Interview with the Vampire and I was thinking, boy, she was pretty even as a little girl. Only later I found out it was actually Kirsten Dunst. When I was older, I used to think the gold in the German flag represents Claudia Schiffer. For real. Everything I wrote until now is totally for real. I ain't kiddin'.
I hate David Copperfield, though. Even though David is a Jew and Claudia is German. I just hate him for fucking Claudia. I also hate magicians in general, but that's beside the point. I hate David Copperfield, period. Always have. Some white people hate black people, too. Because they think that America cannot be great with black people in it. Black people remind America about the slavery period of America, so America is less great each time a new black person is born in America. Just like David reminds me that I have never fucked Claudia. (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... that George Washington was an avid heterosexual?
- ... that bestiality just got 15 percent more legal?
- ... that the moon is not made of cheese, but magnesium of milk powder, which explains why everyone that ever goes there feels sick when they come back?
- ... that individuals born under the sign of Gemini are often flammable and vulnerable to bear attacks?
- ... that Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales lost his virginity at age 34, but he found it again at age 35?
- ... Altaïr has excelled in the tactics of fooling the mentally challenged?
- ... that the process of dying and coming back to life as a cow is known as reincownation?
In the news
- Middle Eastern journalists cannot wait for the 9/11 20th anniversary
- Biden being controlled by Dark Shadows (Pictured)
- Conways take political break in order to watch Urkel reruns
- Satanic heavy metal drummer becomes born-again Christian
- Trump's vocabulary reaches 50 words
- Van Morrison's brain dies of COVID-19
- Trump attacks derpy pony
- US replaces SATs with CAPTCHA
- Q announces peace between Q's and Q
- Biden announces dead wrestler Kamala as running mate
- Biden selects Strong Woman as running mate
- UnNews remembers Ennio Morricone
- Supreme Court to David Byrne: "This is not your beautiful wife"
- The Big Bang Theory pulled for being pizza-face
- Your favorite show is renewed for 9th season
- The Police shorten band name to "The" over controversy
- TV's Cops cancelled 25 years too late
- Pink Floyd killed by coronavirus
- Kalifornische Beamte erklären das Ego von Elon Musk für wesentlich
- Trump declares COVID-19 a terrorist organization
- Your cat's gonna kill you
- Christof from The Truman Show dies aged 74
On this day
- 1903 - While investigating the breakdown of a prototype airplane engine, Orville Wright exclaims "Mah bairns! Mah poor bairns..."
- 1912 - When urged by Captain Edward Smith to increase engine power to aviod an iceberg, the head engineer of the RMS Titanic replies, "I've giv'n her all she's got captain, an' I cannah give her no more."
- 1962 - After John F. Kennedy says "I am a doughnut" in German instead of "I am a Berliner", the mayor of West Berlin whispers to him, "Laddy, don't you think you should be rephrasing that?"
- 1970 - While preparing for reentry after their journey back to Earth, Astronaut Jack Swigert informs mission pilot Jim Lovell "The energizer's bypassed like a Christmas tree, so don't give me too many bumps."
- 1972 - After hilltopping and getting into general mayhem in Hazzard county with the General Lee, Uncle Jesse warns the Puke boys that "She won't take much more of this."
- 1988 - Soviet Premier Mikhail Gorbachev defeats President Ronald Reagan in a game of Pac-Man. Tension brews between the two nations as a result.
- 1993 - During the O. J. Simpson trial, Judge Ito declares, "This jury-rigging won't last for long, Captain."
- 2000 - Osama bin Laden tells Saddam Hussein about his plan to hijack planes, to which Hussein responds, "Are ye daft lad?!"
- 2005 - When asked by the United States to return its diplomats to the Six Nation Talks, North Korea's Kim Jong-Il replies, "Diplomats! The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank."
- 1993 - Nick Jonas, the bane of teenage existence, is born.
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