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Mathematics (from Greek άθημα máthēma, “knowledge, study, learning”) is the systematic torture of students disguised as the study of quantity, structure, space, and change. Mathematicians seek out patterns and formulate new conjectures, trying to make sense of the universe by examining these abstract concepts, determining common traits, and then experimenting to see if this advanced knowledge will help them get women into bed. These conjectures are often faulty, and this subsequent failure is referred to as mathematical proof.

Galileo Galilei (1564–1642) said, "The universe cannot be read until we have learned the language and become familiar with the characters in which it is written. It is written in mathematical language... Without these, one is wandering about in a dark labyrinth". He was also condemned by the church for heresy, and the only surviving body part of his is his middle finger on his right hand. This is currently kept at the Museo Galileo in Florence, Italy, allowing him to give the finger to the Catholic Church from beyond the grave. (Full article...)

Did you know...

  • ... that dihydrogen monoxide is a substance found in car exhaust, pesticides, acid rain, and YOUR ENERGY DRINK!?!?!?
  • ... that if we used a language without homonyms, a certain type of pun would be impossible, and thereby much gaiety would be lost?
  • ... about Alliteration articulating an artistic approach aimed at annotating and arranging alphabetic accouterments as alarmingly asinine alignments?
  • ... that sheep shrink when it rains?
  • ... that the universe is made up of protons, electrons, neutrons and morons?
  • ... that Deus ex machina is Latin for "cop out"?
  • ... that the oozy, off-colored mound of bloody what-ever-it-is stretching its way out of what used to be a tiny hole is a baby's head?

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On this day


July 17: Dog Days Begin (Summer), Professional Copiousness Day (Uncyclopedia)

  • 800 – With the Roman empire in shambles, the Dark Ages begin, ushering in a time of mysterious axe wounds and serfdom.
  • 1717 – The Blackbeard Catering Company (pictured) is founded, offering full foodservice and a variety of bar items including rum and grog, all at competitive rates.
  • 1934 – Faced with demands to clean up its act, Hollywood introduced the Hays Code, which set guidelines for things such as the use of negroes in film.
  • 1948 – The U.S. Presidential ticket of Strom Thurmond and his New Hampshire Merchant Cat, Stripey, garnered over one million votes in the general election.
  • 1955Disneyland establishes its independence from Pixar.
  • 1995 – The Snopes website comes online, and the truth and validity of countless rumors and urban legends, such as the safety and sexuality of children's toys and children's icons, respectively, are quashed.
  • 1981 – Absolutely nothing of any consequence happens.
  • 2005Misquoting Jesus, a book by Bart Ehrman, is published. Within a few short weeks it becomes the center of a firestorm of controversy, most of it defending Jesus' accomplishments as described in the Bible, among them "champion surfer" and "speedboat owner".

Today's featured picture

Calvin and Hobbes
Calvin and Hobbes was a popular comic strip during the 80s and 90s which discussed various religious ideas. Though he would later become known for his theory of predestination, John Calvin, shown here, was plagued by recurring religious doubt throughout his early career.

Image credit: Squiggle
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This Uncyclopedia is written in English, supposedly. Started in 2005, it currently contains 30,845 articles. Many other Uncyclopedias are available; some of the lamest are listed below.