User:Jabberwock/testpage4

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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

Jesus has always been a touchy subject. Not many people want to talk about our Lord and Savior. Some even go so far as to consider it awkward when Jesus is brought up in polite conversation. Due to this inclination to believe that Jesus kills a conversation, many people don't get to know how truly amazing the man who died for our sins really is.

Sure, we all know that Jesus was white, had long flowing hair, a perfectly trimmed beard, and a Californian complexion. That much is obvious from any photograph or painting of Jesus. But what about the smaller details about Jesus that people just ignore nowadays? Maybe if people weren't so quick to slam the door in the face of a religious scholar they would know more facts about Jesus. For instance... (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that Vincent Price is laughing at you from the grave? (Pictured)

... that we all smell a little bit like teen spirit, if we go a while without washing?
... that Bruce Lee could juggle two balls with his penis?
... that the sky is up and the ground is down, except in Australia where the opposite is true?
... that removing the rubber bands from the claws of a Lobster can result in oh god get it off get it OFF OH GOD MY FACE!
... that Former President Bush prefers his Tuskegee airmen with a side of risotto and mushrooms?
... that the keyboard you have been using has more germs than your toilet seat?
...that I get knocked down, but I get up again, and you're never gonna keep me down?

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In the news [edit]

Nee-owm!

Kardashian and Ye do washed up things
Loneliness is to this university, kinda
We have road copters (Pictured)
Mummy Pig's pregnancy sparks paternity drama
Heinz Doofenshmirtz finally takes full control over the Tri-State Area
UnNews remembers Michelle Trachtenberg
Cinema ceiling makes dramatic entrance during Captain America screening
UnSports update for February!
- USA and Canada take their trade war to the ice hockey rink. Literally.
- Philadelphia Eagles ruin Super Bowl "3‑peat" dreams for Kansas City Chiefs, Taylor Swift
- And more!
DOGE implements micromanaging
P. Diddy's lawyer quits, says Diddy did it

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI • Eurovision Song Contest • Russian Invasion • Israel‑Hamas conflict • ICE rounding up illegal immigrants • Taylor Swift's very unlucky, no good year • DOGE firings and budget cuts • The Oscars • Hackman investigation

Recent deaths: The Department of Justice • Michelle Trachtenberg • Gene Hackman, wife and dog, too • Skype • Kingda Ka • David Johansen, The New York Dolls, and Buster Poindexter • Amiright/Inthe00s • UnSpoiler and BeGone extensions • Space Ghost • Everyone's assumption that Millie Bobby Brown is her real name • Tesla's stock • Bob Rivers

Upcoming deaths: Yoon Suk Yeol's presidency and freedom • Law and order in Philadelphia • Jay‑Z's career and freedom • Luigi Mangione • Kate Middleton • Your New Year's resolutions • Los Angeles • Laura Palmer • DEI, for better or for worse • Pope Francis

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On this day [edit]

March 19: Peanut Allergy Awareness Day (U.S.)

1649 - Bengal Death cultists breed a strain of peanut that is fatal to a tiny percentage of the population, for they believe the souls of those who die by the peanut are raised again to fight for their goddess Kali.
1877 - The first child to die of a peanut allergy is called a giant pussy by teachers and school staff instead of getting medical attention.
1931 - Gambling is legalized in Nevada, first casino game is like Russian Roulette, except the gun shoots peanut powder, and rat poison.
1962 - Bob Dylan releases his first album, Nutmeg. The cover actually smells like peanuts and not nutmeg.
1994 - Congress passes the Allergy Awareness Act, which legally puts the onus of responsibility on You to cater to everyone's allergy problems. Sort your fridge asshole.
2008 - Vince from Slap Chop accidentally gets his testicles trapped in the butterfly mechanism of his Slap Chop.
2018 - Parents protest animated movie Peter Rabbit after the titular character chokeslams the allergic antagonist into an industrial vat of peanut butter.

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Satan hates his job, too. You're not like Satan. Are you?

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