User:JJPMaster/mp

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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

I was sitting in my living room very late at night, watching the Friday the 13th franchise. Something felt off, though. I don't mean in the way some horror movies might make you uneasy; something felt really, really wrong. That's when I heard it.

KI KI KI MA MA MA

I immediately got up and looked out the window. That's when I saw the bastard.

Jason Voorhees. Standing underneath a streetlight. No weapon. No credit card. No signup. No bullshit. He's not here to kill me; he's here to lay a goddamn beatdown, no two ways about it. I'll be damned if I let that happen. Me and him were staring at each other for about ten seconds before he started walking towards my house. Time to face the music. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that Pope Francis (Pictured) played football for Argentina?

... that the average human male between the ages of 18 and 42 has thought about sex with Brad Pitt at least once?
... that Alaska's principle exports include snow, ice, frozen water, and permafrost?
... that food is probably the most addictive substance known to man? Withdrawal symptoms include nausea, hallucinations and possibly death?
... Altaïr has excelled in the tactics of fooling the mentally challenged?
... that I like cats, but could never eat a whole one?
... that the process of dying and coming back to life as a cow is known as reincownation?
... that Minecraft developers are flat earthers?

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In the news [edit]

One simply cannot piss until he scans this.

Interview: A Brief Chat About Uncyclopedia with Uncyclopedian and Lucky star.
Indy police: former NFL quarterback Mark Sanchez literally butt-fumbles in real life
Trump receives COVID vaccine despite supporters making their entire personalities being against it for years
The US government continues to shit itself
Starmer unveils new digital ID cards to help further monitor citizens' pornography intake (Pictured)
BoJo and Co. politely ask Nigel Farage to stop lifting children
Omaha man's order of salmon sliders indistinguishable from salmon burgers
Charlie Kirk gets l+ratio'd during a speech in Utah
Sheeranism officially legalised in Yankeeland
Angela Rayner defects to Reform UK
Hollow Knight: Silksong gets released; Steam crashes for the second time this year
Some mega pop star and her football player boyfriend get engaged. Yaaay.
NFL teams replace female cheerleaders with gay dudes

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 and Spaceballs 2 • Russia-Ukraine "peace talks" • ICE/Antifa clashes • Trump and Elon's couples therapy • Jerry Jones screwing the Dallas Cowboys • Pregnant moms taking Tylenol to give their babies "autism powers" • Democrats and Republicans throwing hissy fits in D.C.

Recent deaths: Trump's pet sloth • Robert Redford • U.S. Federal Government • Jane Goodall • The Yankees' World Series dreams • Diane Keaton • Gaza War • Drew Struzan • Windows 10 • D'Angelo • YouTube player's old design • Ace Frehley

Upcoming deaths: DEI • Iran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account • MSNBC • Donald Trump • Aforementioned Tylenol moms • Mark Butt-fumble's career• Coral reefs • Capitalism in NYC • 2025 Major League Baseball season

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On this day [edit]

October 27: National "Peeing Calvin" Bumper Sticker Day

1875 - Oscar Wilde decided to avoid his normal routine and go to the barbers before attending his routine denouncement.
1956 - George Bush's first toenail grew in. Widely considered to be particularly unspectacular, this event is overlooked by hordes of Bush supporters who hold wild street parties, which begin with tea and quiet chatting and end in mass orgies.
1959 - John F. Kennedy pees on Calvin.
1998 - Mother of Pearl Sunday when several people attempted to create a zombie of Michael Jackson.
2101 - Chuck Norris pees twice on Calvin. Then pees on Hobbes and Bill Watterson. Can you beat that, John?

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Picture of the day

It wasn't until Michelangelo's parents gave him a "Etch-A-Sculpt" that he decided to become an artist.

Image credit: Modusoperandi
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