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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

Ronald "Can't Win It" Paul, M.D. an American Republican philanderer philosopher and anti-banking kingpin, is perhaps best known his fringe theories including a literal interpretation of the Constitution of the United States of America.

Born to stark-raving mad parents in 1905 in Freedom, Pennsylvania, Paul is popular with some extremest groups who believe things they read. However, his insistence on discussing Big Pharma, the Federal Reserve System, and other boring subjects when allowed to appear on television has ensured that Ron Paul will never be elected to a position of real power. That and the fact that he is not a member of the Bilderberger Group.

Paul is described by fellow politicians and FOX News as "daft beyond belief", "a staunch conservative" and "an almond-covered nutbag" for his theories on interventionist foreign policy claiming that America should intervene in domestic issues instead of shooting brown people. He recommends such things as withdrawing troops from countries that are not attacking America and leaving the United Nations, claiming that it is controlled by Mexican Luciferianism. Paul is worshiped by his followers, including self-appointed archbishop-of-the-airwaves, Alex Jones, and two Linux aficionados who have recently and spontaneously elected him President of the Internets. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that it's a surprisingly simple process to starting your own religion? (Pictured)

... that bestiality just got 15 percent more legal?
... that the Red Baron, in addition to being the deadliest ace fighter pilot of World War I, traveled through time?
... that there is one imposter among us?
... that Africa's space program, AIDS, has had several successful launches to altitudes over 11 feet?
... that Crow war chieftain Old White Man was nothing like his brothers, Walks Over Eggshells and Sees No Color?
... about Alliteration articulating an artistic approach aimed at annotating and arranging alphabetic accouterments as alarmingly asinine alignments?
... that [Wiki|wiki formatting]] is perfect]? It never malfunctions'!

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In the news [edit]

Ship captain who wrecked Baltimore bridge defeated by Upstate New York bridge (Pictured)
NFL imposes speed limit and bans trick plays
Forecast calls for a leapin' Lousy Smarch weather
Larry David gets Hinkled by Anti-Israel Protesters
Taylor Swift's favorite NFL team wins rigged Super Bowl, big whoop
Elon Musk plants brain chip into first human guinea pig
Climate activists ruin Jackson Pollock painting, no one notices
Stalemate in Ukraine: Zelenskyy flees for greener pastures
Steamboat Willie enters public domain, several Mickey Mouse horror films and games announced
Santa's Elves on strike
UnNews finally able to write obituaries for Shaft, Bull and Chandler
Will Barbenheimer beat JigSaw in his own game?

Ongoing: Russian Invasion · ABBA
Recent deaths: Akira Toriyama · M. Emmet Walsh · Louis Gossett Jr. · Hype around the eclipse · O. J. Simpson
Upcoming deaths: Kris Kristofferson · Jimmy Carter · Vladimir Putin · The U.S. Federal Budget · Richard Simmons · Kate Middleton · Market demand for White Broncos · God's curse on the Buffalo Bills (..maybe)

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On this day [edit]

April 21: "We Are Totally Romans" Day (Italy)

753 BC - Rome is founded by Romulus and Remus, after building it in a day.
949 BC - A group of Romulans unable to get dates known as the Vulcans decide to leave Earth and start their own planet. (Pictured)
1350 - A Belgian man expects the Spanish Inquisition, and is promptly beaten to death.
1684 - Isaac Newton proposes the idea of "gravity", gravity skeptics float away into space.
1836 - Sam Houston gets into erotic pillow fight with Santa Anna and his sleepy Mexicans
1900 - Creamed corn is deemed just the thing to spice up that Sunday dinner.
2010 - The Spanish Inquisition expects the Spanish Inquisition, since of course they did they planned it.

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