User:JJPMaster/mp

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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

psst!

Hey, kid, c'mere.

I got something to tell ya.

Your friend pissing you off? Owe you 5 bucks? Maybe they lost your pet? Ate your Haagen-Dazs? Maybe even fucked your sister? Well, there's a way to get back at them: Burn their house down. I've done this a bit too much, and I paid the price. But I'll tell you how to do it and not get caught. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that the Royal Pointless Military Things Tournament was founded by the Duke of York? (Pictured)

... that the light at the end of the tunnel is commonly reported to be a strobe light accented with techno?
... that the dolphin is the only animal other than man that laughs at its own farts?
... that making a band usually involves frantically begging family and strangers to join?
... that I'd rather be a hammer than a nail?
... that reading this section is a severe waste of time?
... that anyone who dies at Disneyland receives a free lifetime pass?
... that Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit has mostly turned into Witch-Hunting For Fun in this modern era of cheaply produced Chinese assembly line witches?

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In the news [edit]

One simply cannot piss until he scans this.

Starmer unveils new digital ID cards to help further monitor citizens' pornography intake (Pictured)
BoJo and Co. politely ask Nigel Farage to stop lifting children
Florida Man found guilty of attacking Trump "as an alligator", sent to Alligator Alcatraz
Omaha man's order of salmon sliders indistinguishable from salmon burgers
Charlie Kirk gets l+ratio'd during a speech in Utah
Sheeranism officially legalised in Yankeeland
Angela Rayner defects to Reform UK
Hollow Knight: Silksong gets released; Steam crashes for the second time this year
Some mega pop star and her football player boyfriend get engaged. Yaaay.
NFL teams replace female cheerleaders with gay dudes

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 and Spaceballs 2 • Russia/Ukraine and Israel/Hamas "peace talks" • Trump and Elon's couples therapy • Jerry Jones screwing the Dallas Cowboys • Kids and pregnant moms trying to gain "super autism powers" by binging on Tylenol • Democrats and Republicans throwing hissy fits in Washington

Recent deaths: FUBAR • Cartoon Network on Comcast's basic cable package • Sydney Sweeney's new movie • Terence Stamp • The Devil's Rejects Unrated Director's Cut 4K (also Saw 2 & 3) • Trump's pet sloth • Joe Burrow's toe • Robert Redford • Baltimore Ravens' pride • New York Mets' postseason dreams • The US Government's money • Jane Goodall

Upcoming deaths: DEI • R. Kelly and Bryan Kohberger (in jail) • Iran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account • The flowers you bring Alan Bergman • Dallas Cowboys', Cincinnati Bengals' and Baltimore Ravens' seasons • MSNBC • Lil Nas X • Donald Trump • Windows 10 • Kids and moms trying to gain autism powers from Tylenol

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On this day [edit]

October 2: International Orgasm Day

1876 - Six women are killed in test of first steam-powered vibrator. Its inventor, Havelock Schtumpf, is never seen again.
1889 - In Colorado, Nicholas Creede strikes it rich during the last great orgasm boom of the American Old West.
1919 - US President Woodrow Wilson reaches orgasm and suffers a massive stroke, leaving him partially paralyzed.
1924 - The Geneva Protocol is adopted as a means to strengthen the length of male orgasm.
1949 - 500,000 male steel workers win improved retirement benefits, orgasms.
1966 - The end of the Great Orgasm Shortage, as 2 billion people all orgasm at the same time, vibrating the earth closer to the sun by around 500 miles. Scientists predict a slow and steady increase in global temperature.
1968 - Bill Gates gets off for the first time. His prostate explodes.

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Picture of the day

You know what they say, "You can't shit a shitter". But M.C. Escher will be damned if he didn't try!

Image credit: KneeChee27
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