Portal:Society
Society is an abstract concept that envisions people and culture as a unified entity, thinking and acting in harmony. It represents a collective human aspiration, yet it is constantly mistaken as something already achieved. This illusion diminishes its true value and purpose, leading to its gradual decline.
Society only finds skinny people attractive, but is fat itself. Society doesn't like to stereotype people, except those damn Mexicans with their beans and rice. Society thinks foreigners should learn English before coming to America, but needs to find an English-speaker when it goes on vacation abroad. Society finds prison rape hilarious. Society believes America to be the greatest country on the motherfucking planet! Society preaches that gays should have equal rights... Just not in front of Society. Society knows that anyone who doesn't stand up during the Star-Spangled Banner is obviously a Communist. Society has no gender, yet seems to favor straight white men. But trust us, Society's not biased or hypocritical at all. (See more...)
There’s nothing I enjoy more than long walks on the beach. Some of my other hobbies include watching the sunset from a picturesque grassy knoll, indulging in fine wine with a scrumptious foie gras dinner, and candlelight conversations on French film. But I think you'll agree that nothing is quite as sexy as me taking a long walk on the beach.
Can you Imagine it? Me with my salon-fresh sandy blonde hair flowing in the breeze (courtesy of Tina; you're a miracle worker, honey!) and a sporty J.Crew sweater tied casually around my waist, lobbing a stray Frisbee back at some snot nosed little urchin. You'll see me on the coast looking pensively out at the sea, reflecting back on all of the endearing little things I did that week. (See more...)
- ... that prostitution may be the oldest profession, but passing the buck to someone else is the oldest hobby?
- ... that necromancy is just another way of getting a date, and that you shouldn't judge me?
- ... that the act of dropping acid while riding a bike is... OH SHIT!!
- ... that God kills a kitten whenever someone reads an article on tired internet memes?
White people (also delicately called Crackas, Caucasians, and Honkies) are pasty, melanin-deficient humans who have been sprinkled throughout the planet to exploit its resources and boss around everyone of more humble colors. White people are smart (in ways that don't really matter) and complain about stupid stuff, even though they have it better than every other race.
Whites discriminate against everyone else. Non-whites, by comparison, don't discriminate against whites, because they don't have majority power, so it isn't discrimination even if they do. And whites have stupid names to insult members of other races. No one else does that. These albinescent people are the only race that believes in space aliens. (George Clinton and Louis Farrakhan don't count, because they are space aliens.) In fact, whites love to hear themselves talk so much that they assemble entire collections of their own words (known as books). (See more...)
Cleveland, OHIO - Thomas Garrel, a local man with memories from before The Age of Human Suffering and Sadness, is annoying his family with tales of how life was like before our alien overlords took control of the planet, enslaving all life to do their bidding, and changing the course of human history. His grandchildren are said to dread the boring Sunday lunches filled with tales of what life was like before city-wide forced labor camps, and daily 9 AM child sacrifices became the norm across the world.
"He's always like, 'When I was younger, we weren't forced to de-slime the aliens every day, and humans and animals weren't forcibly cross-bred to create terrible creatures that form the basis of our nightmares and often times go completely insane, causing death and mass terror across the land,'" speaks his grandchild, Charlotte Garrel. "I mean, we get it. Things aren't like they used to be. Times change. Get over it old man." (See more...)
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