This guide aims to teach you the basics of bipedal propulsion (also known as walking). This skill will enable you to move. Being able to move has many notable benefits, from accomplishing basic human functions to realising your deepest dreams. Experienced walkers often describe walking as a useful skill to have, especially in activities such as running away from terrorists or buying a coffee from Starbucks.
Although walking is an activity suitable for most people, there are still some requirements:
- You must have at least two legs (three is fine, but a hundred is a bit too many). If you are unable to find them, locate them by looking down. They should come with the necessary bones, ligaments, and muscles for walking. If they do not, file a complaint to your mom.
- You must be able to tell your left from your right (and your Trump from your Biden). Failure to do so can cause a major political scandal and/or the storming of your country's political legislative building. You can also trip and skin your knees.
- Although a full brain is not required, a functioning motor cortex is preferable when learning to walk. If you discover that you do not have a functioning motor cortex, take one from a friend/family member or borrow one from your local library.
You will need energy (usually supplied in the form of food or tide pods) when walking. Exhaustion and death can occur if you attempt to walk without an adequate energy source. Aerobic respiration is also needed to supply energy to the muscles. If you do not know how to do so, consult our manual on breathing.
Step 1: Identify risks
Before walking, you must check for dangers around you. Possible hazards include armed nuclear warheads, serial killers with tripwire, and devious banana peels. If you notice a hazard, DO NOT WALK.
Step 2: Raise leg
Start from a standing position. After making sure that your surroundings are safe, locate one of your legs and raise it until the thigh is horizontal. Check under your foot for canine defecation, unless your aim was to land in dog doo-doo. In which case, have fun. Continue to the next step.
If you cannot move your leg, check that the required nerves are properly connected and your spine is intact. If you find a twisted or badly connected nerve, fix it according to your owner's manual. Check that your muscles are functional, as you will need to use them too.
Step 3: Lower leg
Slowly lower your leg until it is on the ground in front of you. Experiment with possible positions until you find one that works for you. Once you have good balance, continue on to the next step.
Step 4: Arm motion
After lowering your leg, swing your opposite arm forwards. At no point should your hand be above your waist. Failure to do so can lead to accidental face slaps and arguments. If that occurs, see How To Win an Argument.
Step 5: Repeat
After moving your arms, you should repeat steps 1–4. Remember to alternate legs for steps 2 and 3. You should find that you have moved forwards! Once you can reliably do this, you can move onto more advanced techniques below.
Advanced propulsion techniques
Below are techniques for highly skilled mobility experts, which noobs like you should attempt only with an experienced instructor.
Walking Slightly Faster
Walking Slightly Faster is the self-explanatory activity of walking slightly faster. Although walking slowly and thinking carefully is good, it is rather hard to escape a Jihadist driving towards you in a suicide van while taking a full minute for each step. Follow all the steps above, but skip step 1. This is also a useful way to get to places quickly, especially hospitals.
Substantially, running works in the same manner as Walking Slightly Faster, with the exception that the walker Walks Slightly Faster. Running, as surprising as it may sound, had not been invented until 1948 when professional So-and-so Robert Running (after whom the skill was dubbed) tried to Walk Slightly Faster twice at the same time.
Oh no! There's a confederate statue in your way and it just won't budge, even after you have politely asked it to move for the past hour. Do not worry, turning will let you go past it and foil its dastardly efforts to block your path. Follow the steps above, but rotate your body between step 2 and 3 (I know, it's radical and revolutionary, but it might just work). Make sure you switch your turning lights on and observe local pedestrian traffic guidelines.
I died while trying to walk! What do I do now?
Death is commonly reported by beginner walkers, especially those who walk near high cliffs and minefields. Although it is indeed harder to walk while dead, it is not impossible.
If the cells in your motor cortex have decayed already, install DIE-WALK_385.txt.vbs. It will enable you to walk while giving your gradually decaying body a sense of purpose by automatically connecting you to Russia's ZombsNet framework. Another option is to patiently wait until a zombie bites you, which should inject some viral adrenaline into your body. After you are reanimated and have new motivation in life you can chase after brained creatures (otherwise known as humans) by convulsively shifting around and dragging your broken-ass corpse along. It may not be walking in the strictest sense but you'll have fun – at least until Brad Pitt shows up.
I'm a dog ... how do I walk?
Dogs are born with the ability to walk, so if you haven't figured it out yet maybe you aren't actually a dog.
What if I'm disabled?
There is no God. See this guide.
Despite being called a space walk, there is no actual walking involved. It involves grabbing objects (hopefully not the self-destruct button) and pushing on them to gain forward thrust. It is recommended to push on larger objects, as they are less likely to give way. Pushing on specific small objects, such as the suit's nuclear detonator, will also provide efficient thrust (though you'll enjoy the movement only for a fraction of a second before becoming plasma vapour). If you want to try it then you'll have to be born in a country rich enough to have a space program, be intelligent enough to become an astronaut, be physically agile enough to pass the fitness test and then beat thousands of similarly qualified candidates. Now that you have done all of the above, and are in the shuttle ready to launch, remember you'll have to wear a space diaper. Check to make sure you aren't a female school teacher before you get into the shuttle.