List of weapons that don't exist, but should

“Whenever I read this article I can't help but to want to go to war immediately with Iran. I mean, their nukular program notwithstanding, the thought of actually trying these weapons in real combat is way too funny to be ignored!”

~ George W. Bush on the list of weapons that don't exist, but should

Throughout history, many different forms of weapons have evolved. They all have their differences, except for some of them, which are identical. But there's one thing nearly all of them have in common: they're really, really, really boring. The sword? You poke someone and they hopefully get hurt. The gun? You point at someone and they get hurt, or hopefully dead. The bomb? You throw something at someone or something and they get hurt or maybe even vaporized. Every weapon ever made can be simplified into one of these three categories. That's it. No more weapons in the universe. You'd think the evil geniuses behind these things would have a little more creativity and fun doing their job, but no. They all long for the sweet, painless chicken soup of death and couldn't care less about creativity.

This list attempts to describe various weapons that don't exist, but should, or may in an alternate universe. To meet the criteria for inclusion on this list, a weapon must meet all of the following criteria:

• Must be able to kick at least 13 varieties of ass (was 12, but standards are higher now).
• Must be not boring. Yes, a gun that shoots swords is cool, but we already got one of those. We got bored of it.
• Must be better than any other weapon on the list (optional, preferred).
• Must not exist. If it does exist, please annihilate all known copies of the weapon before putting it on this page.

Pointed Stick

The Pointed is very deadly due to its ability to be found in such common household places such as in your bag or or on a tree. PLEASE DO NOT APPROACH SHARPENED STICKS IN THE WILD AS THEY MAY BEAT YOU TO DEATH, Instead, pull the lever that releases the 16 ton weight. Or release the tiger. If you don't't have either, run.

Weapons that are not: Firearms, Weapons that Shoot other Weapons, or Melee Weapons.

Acid balloon

• 

  Beware of acid vapors though.

• 

  Wear the acid of being thought vapors!

This concept is simple, as it is based on the normal water balloon. One simply fills a balloon with acid and throws it at the target. The recipient, expecting a cool, refreshing blast of water, instead finds his skin melting off. This weapon, though unsuitable for murder, is undeniably hilarious to watch.

Multi-purpose bullet

It revolutionizes the world of bullets; made from silver, wood, light, Kryptonite, yellow, Vin Diesel, and, most importantly, AIDS. Too many times have people been shot only to recover and live a full life. Multi-purpose bullets will bring that to an end. These bullets can stop vampires, werewolves, evil sentient shadows, Green Lantern, and Superman...if they so happen to exist and so happen to be attacking you or you so happen to be hunting them. Also, you can throw them if you don't have a gun, as they have explosive tips.

Exploding tree

Just when you think you've got a perfect place to hide… KA-BLOOM!!! Nature's "best friend" just exploded in your face. This weapon is also perfect for getting rid of those idiot tree huggers, as well as any squirrels you may encounter.

Toxic Flowers

A powerful assassination tool, the toxic flower is sprayed with a toxic gas before being presented. The recipient, overjoyed at receiving flowers from a cold-hearted monster like yourself, inhales deeply and is poisoned. Depending on the toxin of choice, death may come to the victim from within mere seconds, to hours or even days.

• Note: Incredibly useful for getting rid of the mother-in-law.

Nun-Chucks

The weapon of choice for aging Texas Rangers

Forget about that pussy ass "nunchacku" shit. Get yourself some Nun-chucks. These are the genuine article, the real deal, THESE ARE SERIOUS BUSINESS!

Chuck-nuns

An artist's impression of a Chuck-Nun. Nun shown for comparison purposes only This entirely hypothetical weapon was developed by Cardinal Biggles of the Inquisition. Biggles was an avid nun-bunter and had always dreamed of combining his favorite pastime with the marvels of siege weaponry. The Chuck-Nun was first not used during the Dark Ages. Consequently, it was also not used during the Slightly Less Dark Ages. It was first constructed and fielded during the Renaissance, but after a minor mishap involving faulty ammunition (one nun refused to go) it was decommissioned. The weapon consists of a hollow wooden barrel wide enough to fit a grown nun inside, a sturdy chassis also made of wood and a very large spring-loaded trigger mechanism, similar to modern pinball machines. The Chuck-Nun was in fact the precursor to modern artillery and was also at least partly responsible for the hit television series The Flying Nun. It takes nuns from 5'0" to 6'8" in length, depending on barrel size, and can be modified to fire peasants if needed. Ammo is usually beltfed or can be loaded in one at a time, though this slows down its rate of fire considerably. Traditionally, to augment its destructive payload, nuns are politely requested to carry bowls of Greek Fire, large rocks, irate badgers and so forth. In recent times, this remarkable weapon has seen a modest revival amongst DIY siege weaponry enthusiasts, prompting the creation of several prototypes. Due to a scarcity of nuns willing to be loaded into what is essentially a large wooden death sentence, these homegrown contraptions usually fire children, immigrants or large dogs. See also Nun-Bunting

Ninja Assault Nuns

Ninja assault nuns preparing to sing 'the hills are alive', their terrifying battle chant.

Everyone knows that nuns are secretly kick-ass ninjas. Thanks to the Sound of Music, we know that all Austrian nuns were trained in ninjitsu to fight the Nazis in the Second World War. What is not commonly known, however, is that for years now the Vatican has been training an elite squad of ninja assault nuns. This genetically modified super-nuns are produced from a combination of the Virgin Mary, Jenovah and Fraulein Maria, producing the ultimate ninja assault nuns. Ninja assault are not just stealthy - they are also armed with ninja assault rifles that shoot 5 million high explosive anthrax nuclear h-bomb katana swords every thirty seconds. They can also be subtle, and wear the razor-blade habit and a shuriken cross around their neck. Just one ninja nun can take on 500 pirates, 16000 Nazis, 24 million American troops or 564.52134958758009990809 gabillion Soviet conscripts, just as Fraulein Maria did in the final battle of the Sound of Music. Even if you manage to derobe and disarm a ninja assault nun, their deadly martial-arts skills enable them to cut you apart with their bare hands, bene Gesserit Style. Thankfully, due to an unfortunate time loop with a parallel universe, the ninja assault nun does not exist yet. They can, however, be bought on Ebay.

Moto-Razr blade

"Hello Moto...no moto...no!" This was actually one of the first concepts for the Moto-Razr. Originally designed as a weapon in the Iraqi war, now serves to cut down on rude moviegoers. Fair warning, this weapon is ineffective at best against emos, as their hands are already likely scarred. such is the case when you have a sharp object in your wrist and have already lost a lot of blood.

Cockets

Dr. Wernher Von Braun, a famous nazi inventor, in 1943 models the first nazi prototype cocket Not much is know about the secret Cockets built by the Nazis during WWII, (though it was said they were built to land on Uranus and build a base there.) All the Cocket project scientists were shipped to America after the war to continue making these deadly weapons, and rumours have it these babies come in nuclear flavours nowadays. Plans to build your own Cocket can be found on the Internet today with some Googling.

Weapons Which, Although Somewhat Sucky, Are Still Somewhat Awesome Because They Are Giant

Also known as Giant Weapons.

Giant Paper

Giant Paper in all its glory. Person drawn to scale. The Giant Paper is the perfect weapon, as it can be made into any other shape, which is immediately rendered in giant (albeit paper) form. It can even be made into a paper airplane if need be, although many would consider that to be a waste of potential. The Giant Paper can suffocate any enemy and is unbeatable*. As an added bonus, it also gives nasty paper cuts. *Note: the Giant Paper can be cut down by the Giant Scissors, but squeezes the crap out of Giant Rock.

Giant Rock

The Giant Rock The Giant Rock, with its immense giantness is capable of crushing anything that dares oppose it. There is no point in fighting anyone wielding an indestructible Giant Rock*, except in the rare case of wanting to commit suicide and not being able to find anything better. *Note: The Giant Rock is crushed by the Giant Paper, but completely destroys Giant Scissors.

Giant Scissors

Rebels destroyed the last pair. No really. . . . What? Obviously highly effective as a projectile; even discounting that, a giant pair of scissors, though perhaps difficult to maneuver, would turn even the worst of failures into an overwhelming victory. Anyone who walks up to you and tries to stop you walks will literally be sliced in half. Think about it: if you can use a giant scissors to cut someone cleanly in half, bones included, then nobody will dare to mess with you. Just remember what your mum said about running with giant scissors (namely: Don't). But when did you start listening to her? Runing with scissors is fun! So go ahead, do it! The Giant Scissors are an Unstoppable Force.* *Note: the Giant scissors can be crushed by the Giant rock, but shear the Giant Paper.

Living weapons

Biological warfare at its very best!

Armed monkey

Is that the face of someone you'd like to cross? Greenpeace has often claimed that humans are the only animals that go to war. This is one of the most devastating attacks against war, one for which no known rebuttal exists. The solution is simple, though: put another animal in the army! All it takes is one monkey with a semi automatic, and those hippie bastards have to shut the hell up.They are naturally proficient in gorilla warfare It is often mistakenly believed that the US Army has already employed a monkey. This is not true. George W. Bush was never actually in the army; he merely had papers saying that he was.

Cloned Armored Raptors

Better than bird/swine/regular flu coverage. You get a dozen or so cloned velociraptors, slap on some protective armor and unleash them in the neighborhood of your choice. These vicious little predators will hunt down your enemy for you and eviscerate them with their razor toe claws, or at least rip out their jugulars. The armor is to help even the playing field if your enemy has weapons like a dolphin gun, Armed Monkeys or Arctic Monkeys. If they get killed no big deal, you just clone some more.

Crocodile with Crocodiles for Limbs

GRRR! (grrr, grrr, grrr, grrr.) The concept is simple: crocodiles take up large amounts of space. Instead of wasting space (and food) on five crocodiles to thwart potential trespassers, or run wild in enemy trenches, why not use a giant crocodile that instead of having arms and legs, has crocodiles? It's 5 times the croc in one easy-to-feed package, all for just $199.99 Now for only $159.99! Continuing this process to its logical conclusion yields the Fractal Crocodile the only known way of obtaining an infinite number of crocodiles given only a finite weapons budget. Tests to produce this hideous mutation, though, have only resulted in a paradox, destroying the world. Cheaper version for the home-brew agitator: Fractal aligator.

Girl-foxassin

Created via a process invented in Hokkaido to augment a normal girl with fox genes, preferably a loyal one, like one who has been stalking you since kindergarten. This girl gains the proportionate speed, strength, agility, cuteness and five senses of a fox, she also gains the ears, tail and claws of a fox. The last step of the process is giving the new Fox-Girl martial arts training, thereby turning her into a Girl-Foxassin, a cute but deadly killing machine. See FireFox.

Laser Guided Polar Bear

A high tech weapon, the laser guided bear has a price tag of $9,943,768 per unit, making it the most expensive weapon behind the gun that shoots diamonds.

In terms of destructive power, it's above a laser guided grizzly bear, but below a laser guided panda bear. Not as delicious as a laser guided gummi bear, it's less dangerous to the user than a laser guided pooh bear. In the late 1960's, it replaced the club as the premier weapon in the War On Seals.

Deadly Assault Kittens

Tired of being oppressed by weak humans, the first Deadly Assault Kittens evolved around the 1950s, and have been gaining in strength ever since. Their greatest asset is quite possibly the fact that nobody suspects them. Originally, Assault Kittys had to make do with smaller, but just as deadly versions of the Giant Rock, but after the infiltration of the CIA and FBI, they have had access to top-grade military weapons. Currently Assault Kittys are among the most dangerous living things on this planet, and are simply waiting for the right time to strike.

Trained since birth, every Assault Kitty goes through rigorous physical and mental training for years before they actually see action. Few manage to survive the training, but those that do are almost as good as ninjas when it comes to killing people. Most successful graduates of the Japanese Hello Kitty Armed Response Training Corp are inducted into the Assault Kitten Paratroopers, and it is rumored that the Kitty Paratroopers were the true minds behind 9/11. Renowned worldwide for their stealth, their merciless attacks, and their deployment of balls of wool in the face of ferocious opposition, Assault Kittys are specially trained at urban warfare and will exploit any ground gained to their advantage.

Sniper Kitty

This was the believed assassin of JFK

Sniper Kittys are a specialized corps of the Deadly Assault Kittens. Descendants of Sniper Kittys, they are among the most deadly assassins on or off this planet, possibly second only to a ninja. It may look like a cute kitty, but years of training make it basically a "point-and-kill" machine. Canines now tremble at the thought of stepping out-of-doors without an owner. JFK was for animal cruelty, and though many people believe Lee Harvey Oswald killed him, it was really a trained elite Sinper Kitty, as proven by the picture.

Banana snake

A banana snake emerging

WARNING: Banana snakes are undetectable save for Samuel L. Jackson who will swear excessively at the snake until it dies.

Banana snakes are native to South America, where they live in peace with the Mexicans. In return for not biting and/or eating them, The Mexicans taught the banana snake how to cross the U.S. border. This strategy was conceived by the army commander of Mexico, who lives in that hut next to the Taco Bell. The banana snake quickly tried to cross the border in trucks, but they got eaten by tarantulas. Then they went into a different route. See: snakes on a plane

Ninja-sheep

Two toptrained ninja-sheeps.

Sheeps are all cuddly and cute, which is why they are such excellent assassins. Nobody expects an innocent-looking sheep to be up to no good. But as we all know, appearances can be deceiving. Some sheeps are in fact trained as ninjas. Those rare sheeps, which are few in numbers, are excellent in close-combat and will make you a head shorter if you underestimate them. They are good at infiltrating the enemy's ranks and fighting behind enemy lines.

Hedgehog Assault unit

These cute prickly rodents are the perfect army core defense and assault unit. Able to stick in any air vent, it can disable its enemies with allergies. Its size makes it undetectable on radar. They are trained by Chuck Norris himself so they are the greatest weapons ever! If that wasn't enough they own everything that is underground, making it the largest nation on the planet. With so much metals at hand, they are able to make weapons advanced beyond our imagination. That's not all, the hedgehogs spines act like a shield, and their soft underbelly is covered in Adementine armor, making them virtually unkillable. If that is not the worst than this is, if by slight chance a hedgehog does get killed it has a sort of a self destruct button, it explodes! It sends spines flying in every direction, and on contact the spines become missiles so if one gets stuck in you it will asplode before you can take it out! The hedgehog nation often breeds giant hedgehog tanks! These are the size of buildings and also explode at death, have unpiercable armor, and trained by Chuck Norris! The hedgehog tanks special ability is that it can shoot those missile spines like a rocket launcher, and after every spines are shot new ones grow back in point 0:0001 seconds!

Porcupine in a stocking

Porcupine grenade - work in progress. Based on the venerable halfbrick-in-a-stocking, the porcupine-in-a-stocking provides maximum armour penetration, portability, and angry rodentitry in an affordable, accessible package. Simply place your spiked rodent (i.e. porcupine, however hedgehogs / echidnas make excellent replacements depending on location) into a maximum-strength stocking, and swing that sucker towards your unwary opponent. For maximum effect, swing the stocking around your head, much as one would swing a toddler. This will no doubt strike fear into your opponent, and has the added effect of angering your projectile. Studies into furthering the goldmine of porcupine-based weaponry have begun, such as breeding a porcudillo, a crossbreed between the porcupine and armadillo that is harder, rounder, and more conducive to handling and Republican rule. Other projects include the porcupine grenade, although the advantage of peppering your target with hundreds of little spikes and blood is somewhat diminished by the fact that more often than not the grenade will impale your hand.

Sharpened Hamster

The sharpened hamster, as portrayed in Hamtaro episode "Ham-Ham Cancer Outbreak!" Small, deadly and easily concealed in the event of an unexpected search, these are the ultimate street fighting weapon. May be used either in hand-to-hand (melee) combat, or thrown. Variations on the Sharpened Hamster include setting it on fire (Molotov Hamster) or coating it with a toxic residue (Poisoned Hamster Dart). A good sharpened hamster can do a lot of damage to most mammals.

Squirrel Grenade

A poor victim feels the luring powers of the EoH Cannon prior to the Squirrel Exploder being activated.

This simple device sends out a powerful sonic pulse that disrupts squirrels' molecular structure, turning them into fiery furballs of flaming death. Unless you're really annoyed with squirrels, however, this weapon is of little use. That is, of course, unless it is combined with the patented EoH Cannon, EoH standing for 'Essence of Hazelnut'. This will coat a victim from head to toe with a sticky substance that exudes a powerful smell of these nuts over a wide area, attracting all sorts of undue attention from squirrels. The Squirrel Exploder can then be used to explode these rodents and cause grievous bodily harm to the hapless victim. Nothing hurts like having red hot squirrel guts embedded in your skull.

For maximum efficiency, the squirrels can later be reassembled with the Squirrel Desploder. Waste not, want not and all that.

Sharks-With-Frikin'-LAZERZ-Attached-To-Their-Frikin'-Heads

Dr. Evil would be proud of this little nipper. They're fairly deadly alone... ...but they're bat fuck deadly in schools. The dastardly invention of famed international villain and romance novelist Dr. Evil, these handy aquatic weapons will leave your enemies quite literally "fishbait". Assuming the aptly-armed shark learns how to fire its "laser". And learns how to aim it. And doesn't turn to face you. So at face value it isn't a very effective concept. But if water gets into the laser unit you'd better watch out, buster! If this weapon is ever developed, it is highly recommended that the individual deploying it drops the shark from an airplane and gets the hell out of there. The bargain basement version is mutated, ill-tempered sea bass.

Very similar to the genius idea (bears wth lasers shooting out of their eyes) suggested by Boromir in Lord of the G-strings.

Tankcats

Do I even need to fucking explain it? The Tankcat may be the most powerful being in the universe. The original Tankcat slumbers in Valhalla(much like Mickey Mouse) and whenever it comes down to Earth for a quick snack of continent it causes mass extinctions of life. After World War 2, however, a Russian scientist discovered the existence of the Tankcat. The Russian government was quick to respond with an elite platoon of highly trained, highly intoxicated polar bears to steal a piece of Tankcat's energy. Russia began to create its own line of less powerful Tankcats sparking a 20-year long Yo Mama Fight/arms race with America. During the one catfight of the arms race, both sides amassed all of their Tankcats and armies in one spot. This created a mass orgy of blood, limbs, snot, tears, and boo-boos leveling the Garden of Eden into the hellhole we know today as the Middle East. Russia and America then agreed to never use Tankcats again. Rogue nations today have begun to use Tankcats in warfare again, prompting half-assed international intervention. The continued use of these weapons is turning the Middle East into even more of a shithole. America is now forced to (WOOOO-HOOO!) combat these rogue nations with sheer, unadulterated hypocrisy. Radioactive Zombie Badger Launcher A rocket launcher designed to f Test firing of a Radioactive Zombie Badger Launcher. (Now with rabies!) ire radioactive badgers. Initial tests revealed that badgers DO succumb to radiation poisoning and CAN explode when fired. Therefore, we had to zombify them to stop them from DYING so often. After later tests proved promising, they were mass produced, but the project was stopped a half-hour later when the badgers mauled Michael Jackson(giving him yet another reason to get a nose job). CAUTION!- THE BADGERS ARE VERY PISSED AND WILL PROBABLY MAUL YOU AFTER FIRING THEM OUT OF A ROCKET LAUNCHER! Note:Since the badgers are zombies they shouldn't be placed in this section. It was placed here because the initial idea was to fire normal "non-zombie" badgers. Sorry for the confusion. Rocket Propelled Chickens Terrorist aiming an RPC for target practice Rocket propelled chickens (RPCs) are inexpensive substitutes for actual rocket propelled grenades. They are primarily used in central Asia, where chickens roam the countryside in packs. They are mainly criticized for their high level of non-explosiveness, as they are completely useless unless the enemy is allergic to chicken feathers. Puppy Cannon Our current strategy in Iraq involves utilizing deadly (yet adorable!) artillery, such as the puppy cannon. If you're going to kill someone, at least be cute. Variety of varieties available. Long-range Ear Drummer "Is it just me or is rap music getting lazier?" "That's a police scanner." An electronic gizmo that is pointed at the occupants of any car with one of those sound systems that has lots of bass that shakes the ground and can be heard a quarter of a mile away. When activated, the weapon instantly pulverizes the eardrums of all of the vehicle's occupants, which they are doing themselves but not quickly enough. The down side is that once they're deaf sometimes they just turn it up louder. Pixel Gun A man holding the dreaded Pixel Gun. He himself has been horribly disfigured by Pixel blasts, leaving his face forever lost to the bluriness. Fear the low resolution horror!! A 2-dimensional gun made entirely out of pixels used to turn its targets into pixels. While seemingly useless, the effects of the Pixel Gun can be quite embarrassing. For example, it is very easy to laugh at someone who's face has been blurred out, as if the person was so ugly that censorship was needed. Because of this, targets will most likely die a pathetic virgin and/or cat lady. Also, this weapon also fills in as a useful cooking device, as pixelated burgers are very tasty, especially after an exciting round of Photoshop. Pixel Guns are available in higher resolution, but what's the fun in that? The ADHD Gun Think about it, a gun that shoots ADHD. When you shoot this weapon, pure concentrated ADHD comes out. The ADHD was collected in a lab full of vials and chemicals. Speaking of labs my daddy works at a lab where he works on many things that go, "WEEEEE" well actually they don't but my daddy said if I believed long enough my dreams will come true, I had a dream yesterday about a flying taco that ate a ship, I went to the psychiatric doctor who helps me, but he told me i suck at life, so we played candy land, I lost because the doctor said my get out of jail free card expired yesterday. He said that if I wanted to accomplish anything I could. So I thought up the ADHD gun. Think about it, a gun that shoots ADHD. When you shoot this weapon, pure concentrated ADHD comes out. The ADHD was collected in a lab full of viles and chemicals. Speaking of labs my daddy works at a lab where he works on many things that go, "WEEEEE" well actually they don't but my daddy said if I believed long enough my dreams will come true, I had a dream yesterday about a flying taco that ate a ship, I went to the psychiatric doctor who helps me, but he told me I suck at life, so we played candy land, I lost because the doctor said my get out of jail free card expired yesterday. He said that if I wanted to accomplish anything I could. So I thought up the ADHD gun. Automatic Crotch Kicker A deadly weapon for any army. The ACK can detect a target from a mileaway, sneak up behind said target, then unleash the full fury of the crotch kick leaving the target unconscious, in heaps of pain and unsure whether reproduction is still an option. Effective until armies start recruiting women into the infantry. Gigaphone Kazoo Have you ever heard of a "loudencer", a reverse silencer for a gun? If you can't shoot 'em, you can deafen 'em. Let's design a weapon based solely on this principle. If a bunch of ear-raping horns were enough to destroy the walls of Jericho, imagine what we could do with modern technology. Militaries all over the world would be envious. We simply combine the kazoo, the most ear-grating weapon musical instrument of all time, with an extremely overpowered megaphone, a "gigaphone", if you will. Attach this to a loud beatbox or make a few doot's yourself. For all we know, we could penetrate earmuffs with this thing, especially if we made a lot of Gigaphone Kazoos. Imagine if we got 1,000 deaf soldiers to start honking these instruments. Then all the enemy soldiers would flee, become deaf, or fucking die. Perhaps you could attach a giant kazoo to a plane, fly it over a city, and make nuclear bombs obsolete. Bible Pistol The bible pistol, with all its might hiding inside it ready to blind and smite thy foes. This is a VERY powerful weapon, and is the most exotic of all weapons, so exotic that not even Mr T can get his hands on this, because it doesn't exist.. Yet. Effective on sending demons, changelings, satanists, nazis, zombies and nazi zombies to Hell in a microsecond, and can give salvation to the damned. Lava Cannon The lava cannon, which doesn't exist, was used in World War III, which also doesn't exist. Despite the photographic evidence. What possible method of defense could protect you from lava fired from a cannon? Nothing. That's right. Nothing stops the Giant Rock, nothing stops lava, which is just a melted miniature Giant Rock. On fire. Throw your cannonballs and clowns in the garbage, because lava is the only thing that should be fired from cannons. Various scientific research has shown that a lava cannon could be developed, and in fact a prototype was produced by a team of college students. Although the prototype, aptly named the "red dyed vinegar and baking soda cannon", was found to be incapable of causing damage, it was found to be very capable of making the dean crap his pants. Twice. Because lava melts just about everything, one key concern of military scientists is what material to build the cannon out of? Various methods have been proposed, ranging from a frozen miniature Giant Paper (after all, paper beats rock and water beats fire), but it was decided that the fire would simply melt the ice, causing a Paper Maché cannon. Which isn't a bad idea, except paper maché burns. Another proposed idea was to let the Assault Kittys come up with something, but that idea was quickly rejected, as everyone knows kittys are harmless. The only solution found was to make the cannon out of Tupperware, the strongest substance known to man. A military order for 5,000 tons of Tupperware was recently sent in, which points to the possibility that a cannon (or several) may already be in development. Orbital Flamethrower How God Rains Fire and Brimstone. The ultimate cool weapon. For times when there's no other way to be sure. I think I can speak for everyone when I say that if I could only make one purchase for the rest of my life it would be an orbital flame-thrower. Figuring out how to make fire work in space will be studied in Phase II. The byproduct of setting fire to the atmosphere may be of concern to global warming advocates, but in the end, who gives a damn about those tree-huggers? Rocket Pike This is a pike that can travel through air by rocket fuel. It's similar to the javelin, but it goes much faster and much farther. As shown in this picture a prototype this weapon was first used at the battle of Hastings. Using this weapon (and a large number of H-bombs) William the conqueror was able to defeat the combined Anglo-Saxon, Celtic, and Nazi armies in the rolling fields of England. Shuriken Catapult Catapults have traditionally launched blunt weapons, such as boulders. Why the hell is this? Everyone knows that edged weapons are vastly superior. This is why someone should place a large pile of shurikens on a catapult, and let it rain death on a rather large number of people. Catapult that Catapults Catapults A medieval extreme-range missile solution. The first, large catapult hurls another, smaller catapult which somewhere in mid-air releases the load. Ideal for confusing enemy armies (as well as your own), due to the randomness of the trajectory of the boulder. Also fun for large parties (Ok, get ready to take cover...and away!...where to turn, where to turn, WHERE TO TURN?!!). Tom Cruise missile This weapon can be fired from a silo or properly equipped submarine. It fires a short stumpy man who starred some shitty movies (one was about a plane or a pilot... I don't know... something like that) and is targeted mainly at media devices. Upon arrival it starts annoying people about Scientology on talk shows hosted by a large mammal. Oh, and it's definitely GAY. Weapon of Mass Distraction (WMD) Uncyclopedia hosts the only unknown image of a Weapon of Mass Distraction on their server. For proof that this weapon is effective, I pose you this question, dear reader, "where were your eyes drawn when you reached this section?" The existence of this fabled weapon is accepted by many, though no witnesses to its use or creation have ever come forward. It seems that the collateral effects of the weapon itself preclude its being observed by any potential witnesses. Officially, according to the US and British governments, the WMD does exist but their assertions are based on evidence from a former CIA agent who once read about one in a book, although later evidence suggests it was actually in a dream. Information from official US press releases suggests that the WMD must be quite compact; concealable, perhaps, in a tennis shoe or pants pocket. One of the few known facts about WMDs is that they are undetectable by the US postal service. It's quite surprising that this weapon is not employed more frequently by the despotic leaders of third world nations considering that, according to reliable sources, 'any dumbass with a patch of land and an old trailer' can manufacture one. The most economically prominent nations of the world have outlawed the use of WMDs except in retaliatory action. Recent leaders have adopted policies of 'pre-emptive' retaliatory action. WMDs are ineffective on those with pre-existing hyperactivity or attention disorders. A military study on inducing this condition in soldiers in order to make them immune to WMDs under battle field conditions came up with ambiguous results. Although a poll among the participating soldiers came to the unanimous conclusion that "yes, we would like to shave a dog, and look! a pony!" They should put this into a time capsule, so people in the future will by-pass this time period entirely. As if the Three Stooges left a brain virus run rampant. The Reagun, A Ray Gun Powered by The Reagans One wonders what how quickly the Cold War would have ended with this beauty. A long time ago, in an era far, far away a day-dreamer named Ronald Reagan was Grand Poobah of the United States of America, fighting the devilish Commies in a deep freezer. Or something like that. We all know how it ended, but we'll never know how different the outcome could have been if Mr. Reagan had realized his dream of a ray gun powered by Reagans. The theory went that as he and his family were able to lull America into a fuzzy stupor, then surely they could do the same to the Commies. Thus a quick ride into a liquidizer would see the very essence of Ronnie and Nancy transformed into a sloth-like, drooling laser beam that would effectively lobotomize the Ruskies. Damn those Budget-Slashing Tree Huggin' Pinkos in Congress! Update: This weapon is in use by the Wikipedians! Explosives Anti-confinement Bomb The anti-confinement bomb(aka the Q-bomb) is the ultimate godmodding weapon. This bomb is so powerful that it is able to literally take a dump on the laws of physics and break hadrons into their basic building blocks known as quarks. Q-bombs can theoretically release enough energy to rip holes in spacetime, leaving behind various unknown and foreign particles, however these particles would quickly be destroyed by xenophobic KKK particles. Ebonic bomb Dis bomb be up in yah crib so fast you be like, "What be that shiizyle in da sky". Then the bomb be like "boom" and you and you white friends be like ,"im a level 5 dwarf" den all dah suden deh be like "I bees a level fhive dahwarf beeotches". You best be runnen cus that shiizyle wil hunt yah down. It be like zhoom in dah sky and it bhloow you butt into next weik. Non native ebonic speeker translation: This bomb will come to your door, it will be very fast and it will cause to to exclaim, "What in the world is that?" Then the bomb will explode (causing 20 damage and instant mana burn) and you and your buddies will shout "Im a level 5 dwarf" and then they will suddenly repeat it as "I bees a level fhive dahwarf beeotches" You should run because the bomb will come and chase after you. It will fly very fast and make an audible sound and detonate on your location. Warning side uhfects of da ebonic bomb enclud- Ebonic plague, Stutttering, lack of flatulance, rap music to repeat in your head, instant inventory empty, one to immediately crap themself, mental retardation, mental untardation, Black Jesus to hunt you down, Alt+F4, Dizzyness, and the lack of the ability to see bull crap when its staring you right in the face. Call a doctor if you have any of these symptoms, or call George Bush. Bomb filled with knives Sir Francis Bacon first had the idea of filling a bomb with knives after observing coyotes doing so in the wild. A less powerful version of the Nuclear Missile Filled with Swords. Bombs are fairly useful when you need something to explode, but it doesn't cut the mustard when it comes to death. Everyone knows to run when they see a bomb, because its range is very limited. This problem can be alleviated not by placing large numbers of knives inside the bomb's core, but outside of the compartment that contains the explosive. That way, when the bomb explodes, everyone who ran just outside the bomb's blast radius finds a knife flying at their face. Also see grenades- when a grenade explodes the outer shell splinters into little shards (like little knives) Knife filled with bombs The concept of a knife filled with bombs has been discussed completely, and it is evident that a knife filled with bombs would be just stupid. However, if it were a possibility to fit complex, likely large bombs into tiny knives, it would be pretty freaking awesome. Many have considered a knife laced with anthrax to be a "knife filled with biological bombs", but it isn't purely explosive enough. Scientists were close when they invented the knife filled with gunpowder, but it had very little practical use. Bomb filled with knives Much more practical, the bomb filled with knives blows up, and then launches a huge barrage of knives in every direction. Very easy to use and useful for DOTA. DDR-camouflage land mine Forget game over, hit the wrong button and it's life over. During the Revolution of Dance Dance, there were a number of gruesome deaths and even more gruesome injuries. However, there was one place that remained a safe haven during the revolution: the arcade. Many of the rebels safely hid in arcades, thinking that none of the evil militia would look for their enemies in a Chuck E. Cheese's. They were wrong; the British king ensured that all locations were thoroughly searched and the enemies were found. However, due to Chuck E. Cheese's "no shooting or stabbing customers" policy, the hiding rebels got off on a technicality. Well, none of that would have happened, had there been DDR-camouflage land mines. The king's soldiers could simply place a few mines in key places, and KABOOM! Dead rebels. Or dead children celebrating their birthday, but hey, it's their fault for stepping on the mine. Grenade filled with shotguns or vice versa The must-have weapon for any home security freak. Imagine yourself. Pants on. You're sitting, reading interesting anecdotes out of Reader's Digest, and some Communist rebel leader comes by your house leading his little militia, and he decides that your living room would make a great spot to have his comrades give speeches on the abundance of colors besides red. Those bastards! Well, with this handy little piece of American technology, you can keep those Kremlins outta your neighborhood forever! Just pull the "Eazy Pull Whoopass Pin," simply lob the oblong piece in the general direction of your enemy, and watch in bewildered amusement as the grenade not only explodes, causing irreversible internal damage, but then as it catapults shotguns all over the 10m blast radius, and takes overkill to a brand new level. The only setback being that you are left to clean up the human oatmeal. Or if even this isn't good enough for you, how about a grenade filled with guns that shoot guns that shoot swords? Incendiary pants Incendiary pants were featured in an episode of The Simpsons, where Homer Simpson (seen here) wears them outside. These pants, when in contact with natural reproductive fluids, burst into flame causing extreme pain and scarring. Though unlikely to cause immediate death, they do prevent continuation of the species. If your archrival is not wearing incendiary pants, it is possible to convert the pants he is wearing into incendiary pants. First, you must convince your opponent to tell a lie of some sort. An easy way to do this is to ask him if he is the best or strongest or smartest person in the universe, as nobody can resist the urge to say that they are. Once they've lied, inform him that he is a "liar liar" and that he has "pants on fire". This will either magically set his pants on fire, or it won't but he'll look to see if they are and while he's distracted you can soak his pants with gasoline. (Note that this may not work if he isn't wearing pants.) Landmine that shoots Grenades filled with Nunchucks with Shuriken tips. The landmine launches grenades, which each explode out multiple Shuriken-tipped Nunchucks. First came the uber-deadly Nunchuck with Shuriken tips. Even ninjas cowered in fear of the opponent wielding Shuriken-Tipped Nunchucks (STN's). They simply could not counter its deadly dual attack. For weeks it was considered the most deadly weapon evar. Then, through the fog of war a newer, deadlier device was born. The Shuriken-Tipped Nunchuck Filled Grenade (STNFG) made its glorious debut on the fields of battle. Those fields ran thick with enemy blood. Multiple Nunchucks flying around, arms swinging wildly, shuriken tips slicing enemies into Kobe Restaurant sukiyaki. Banned by most civilized countries in Geneva Act amendment 22.5a. It became the most deadly weapon evar. Until now. Now it is a mine. A landmine. Waiting. Laying patiently. Waiting for pressure... ….the pressure of an unsuspecting enemy to tread upon its deadly trigger. Waiting to release a wrath unlike any man has known before. It is the Shuriken-Tipped Nunchuck Filled Grenade Filled Landmine (STNFGFLM). Armageddon is here. 55 Gallon Drum of Whoop-Ass "Don't make me open it." Sure, cans of Whoop-Ass are commonplace now. Sizes up to 12oz are legal in most states for civilian and police use. 24oz are commonly used by Atheists. If you have a neighbor stealing your cable, sweet revenge is but a flip top away. But what if your country just got invaded by Iraq/Poland/Albania/Canada? What if you need to send a clear and lasting message to the offending nation, that such behavior will not be tolerated? The 55 Gallon Drum of Whoop-Ass is just the ticket. Other future uses may include subterranean construction, space launches, and kicking the shit out of hurricanes, tidal waves, and volcanoes. Note, that unless you are a member of NATO, developing, owning, or using a WAMD is a violation of some UN code or other, and will cause the USA to open a can on you pre-emptively. However, claiming you have a can but denying any proof just means you are a jerk. Eurg+Grue Equals ASPLODE! You get every weapon that American can get. The Nazis in a tight spot? If you're bored with those lethal thing, and you want A Splode, Eurg+Grue will be your best weapon. The asploder will make a big riot and end the WorldWarXXI before Chuck Norris get an alliance. This tiny mammal easily pwned your enemy and bring a beautiful victory to you. Another things to do with this: Actually nothing. Risk: Kill you, dine in hell with Leonidas and his 300 armies. Ran*e: 30 feet (9 m) asplode, length 3 m, and 123.456.789.012 m deep. And 253 degree fire temperature (in kelvin scale) Cat Grenade Cat-Grenade with a live grenade shoved in its mouth. Waxed to be more aerodynamic. The last thing you will see before you die. Simply a cat thrown at someone's face, easily obtained by any would be terrorist, do not underestimate the face mauling eye gouging powers of this simple yet brutally effective weapon. Even more effective when a live grenade is shoved in the cat-grenade's mouth right before throwing it, when it finishes mauling its target the grenade will soon explode causing massive damage. Traps and further non-weapons Chainsaw gun A homemade version of the chainsaw gun. Chainsaw gun as used by the United Nations. The chainsaw gun is possibly the most coolest weapon ever, first seen in gears of war. You should be extremely careful with this weapon, as if you aim while the chainsaw is running, you will have one less (useable) hand. NOTE: The discovery channel website offers instructions on how to construct your own chainsaw gun Atomic bong Tsar Bonga, the king of all bongs. It would get someone so high that their eyeballs would pop in the vacuum of outer space (well not really, but you get the idea). While it would be an ineffective weapon, it would certainly be fun to watch when one used it, or even use it yourself, if you're out of your mind. NOTE: To be loaded with Radioactive Reefer. Further Note: This would actually be a useful weapon, Your enemy would be so high, they wouldn't be able to attack. Instant World Peace! Further Further Note: This may have to be removed soon, it is now possible to get an atomic bong made out of plutonium. (Fact, not Fiction) Further Note ^100: This weapon, unlike a nuclear bomb, which causes widespread radiation and devastation, causes widespread celebration! 20 sided die An anti-nerd weapon employed my both the U.S. and china, the 20-sided die was brought to earth by none other than death himself. when death was a teenager, he was a nerd. and played D&D with his little nerd buddies. unfortunaty for him they all died somehow. mabye with the die or mabye because he took his hood off and as anyone knows when you see the grim reaper's head, you die. either way, Bill gates and his family died, and then was succeed by clone no. 144324 of his stockpile of clones. He then used this WMD to wipe out all other genius population, which happened to be nerds. the die works the same way as the deadly ring video. you roll it annd whatever rolls up happens to you in real life. so if your holding it and you drop it, youdi- Cement hat "I think he's ready to talk." The mafia's signature method of killing commoners is cement shoes. But when you think about it, cement shoes are stupid. The victim of a cement shoeing can still scream for help before he is thrown in the water. Not so with a cement hat. Some have argued that cement hats don't exist because the mafia is afraid that people can still run with one on. Not true! A person with a cement hat is upside down. You can't run when you're upside down, numnuts. Kitten ceiling turret They could be anywhere... First invented when a perverted single scientist saw a ceiling cat, the kitten ceiling turret is the ultimate in home defense/assanation/awsomeness. I mean come on, who doesn't' want a cat that fires eye beams and looksm right at you when.. your.. mas- okay, your right, but it's easy to avoid a non-intentional vasectomy: Masturbate in a different room; Can also be built by a Level-9000 Mechanic. Poisoned tits Every man enjoys sucking tits. How can someone looking to kill men capitalize on this fact? One way would be to inject poison into a woman's breast milk. The guy sucks on the tit expecting sexual gratification, blissfully (very blissfully, I might add) unaware that it is his last. There has been only one record of contaminated breast milk. Radioactive vegetables Your parents lied to you. Especially good for killing off large amounts of hippies or vegetarians. As the unsuspecting victim bites into the vegetable, large amounts of radioactive isotopes are injected into their bloodstream, killing them in a matter of seconds. Just don't try to plant them in your backyard. Or on the other hand, plant them in your backyard, grow a lot of these sweet sweet [radioactive] vegetables and offer them to all your friend. Heh, I think you're in for a nice surprise god damned fricking hippie! Note that even if you have not eaten enough vegetables to fulfill the requirements of the Food pyramid, you should never eat vegetables that you know to be radioactive. The Surgeon General has said that the health benefits natural to vegetables do not outweigh the costs of rapid death. Radioactive vegetable producers have started an advertisement campaign claiming that eating vegetables will not affect your health in any way, however there is an asterisk on the end which links to the statement "if you were going to die anyways." written in a very small font. Board with a nail in it While this weapon is still theorhetical, there is some controversy over its potential creation. Opponents argue that soon we will make bigger boards with bigger nails until humanity makes a board with a nail in it so big it will destroy us all. Those in favor of the board with a nail in it poo-poo these claims, citing that civilization has the ability to control itself when it comes to such a powerful weapon, and that the weapon itself is necessary to fend against possible attacks from extraterrestrials from outer space. Ninja-in-a-box Simply send this wonderful little package to your most hated enemies. When they open, they're in for a huge surprise. A NINJA FLIPS OUT AND KILLS THEM! That's major pwnage. This weapon is cool; and by cool, I mean totally sweet. *Note: Some argue that this weapon totally sucks, and ought to be the Pirate-in-a-box. These people are just little baby-babies, as everyone knows ninjas are freakin' sweet, and pirate suck ass. Plus, they can't even use their magic on land, so a Pirate-in-a-box wouldn't do jackshit. Razor Scooter Anyone who gets in this vehicle's way is in for a really close shave. We at Uncyclopedia would like to apologize for the lameness of that pun. We have been informed that the author shot themselves in the head shortly after writing it. Please continue browsing, and remember, SOPHIAIS WATCHING YOU Kamikaze Watermelon A Kamikaze Watermelon(rockets not included) Whats better than a flying watermelon that sings a catchy tune while crushing your enemy (or you) with a watermelon powered by a rocket? Nothing and on top of that it's really easy to get just say kamikaze watermelon and one will soon fly past your head. (For more on this view The Demented Cartoon Movie) Air Strikes Reverse Bombing Run Rather than taking bombs into the air and dropping them on your enemies, this involves taking your enemies into the air and dropping them on piles of landmines. Unfortunately, while surprisingly more satisfying, one has to ensure that the person is dropped at the right moment or they may not land on the landmines, meaning you will not see their demise until you have landed and examined the drop zone for "misses", which will usually be in a crumpled heap a few metres away from one of the piles. For this reason, it is often easier to get your enemy next to the plane, say "We're going to do a Reverse Bombing Run on you", then shoot them and not bother. Concrete Donkey It is a highly effective weapon where a giant donkey (to scale of the 500 foot Jesus) is dipped in concrete and left to dry for several days. As soon as the donkey has set it must be pulled out and hauled into an aeroplane or helicopter and flown to above its desired destination. When the Concrete donkey is at its desired location the 500 foot Jesus must kick the donkey up the arse and out of the plane at the same time; therefore pissing the donkey off so much as to make it want to jump up and down flattening the planet in which it is on, until it cracks in two (or three). This weapon is quite risky on the behalf of the 500 foot Jesus because if the donkey is allowed to kick him it may impair his chance of having children or fun. This weapon has been used effectively against worms, the British and the Ti-Raqi's. It has proved unsuccessful against Chuck Norris and communists; mainly because Chuck Norris is the 4th aspect of God and that the communists gave him a nice job and a home to rest his feet in and plan on how to kill the 500 foot Jesus. Norris L. Jackson (and the Giant Pumpkin Snake) Not only is it an ultimate being, it's TWO ultimate beings. Imagine the vocabulary of Samuel, and the Power of Chuck, combined into a single body, created to be the arch nemesis of the banana snake's stronger cousin: the Giant Pumpkin Snake. This species can only be grown on Jupiter because of its massive size, but can be found living elsewhere. It has been terrorising the populations of Uranus and Neptune, growing to the size of Mercury and destroying cities everywhere. For once America and Russia attempted to band together to create something to combat this force, as it was eventually going to come to Earth, but since both ultimate beings came from America, Russia refused to participate. America created Norris L Jackson through genetically engineered embryos with the combined DNA of Chuck Norris and Samuel L. Jackson in an attempt to swear and roundhouse kick the snakes to death. There is currently a war going on, but Uranus is no longer involved, as its population has moved to Urmom'sanus. National Typo Day Wins wars instantly. End of. Just scream misspelt spellings of words until the enemy unit dies. Note that Palau soldiers are immune to this. They are also the best at it. See also Laotian War Ingenuity List of weapons that exist, but shouldn't List of weapons that don't exist, and shouldn't External links Fark.com Featured Article (read another featured article) Featured version: 31 August 2005 This article has been featured on the front page. You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.Template:FA/31 August 2005Template:FA/2005Template:FQ/31 August 2005Template:FQ/2005 Cream of the Crap (ish). This article was one of the Uncyclopedia:Top 10 Articles of 2005 ‏