Robin (comics)
- This article is about Batman's sidekick Robin. For that other fruit in green tights, see Robin Hood.
| Robin | |
|---|---|
 Robin loves hanging out. Ba-dum-cssshh. | |
| Publisher | |
| First appearance | Detective Comics #38
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| See also | |
“Nice tights.”
“Somebody call U.P.S, we got a package to be delivered!”
In the year 1940 in Detective Comics #38, a new hero debuted. Clad in red, green and yellow and wearing a kooky mask, Robin joined Batman in the fight against psychotic clowns, bird men, catholics and a whole host of other lunatics. He is considered one of the rarest Pokemon as the evolved form of Christopher Robin.
Robin Roll Call[edit | edit source]
The First One[edit | edit source]
His name is Dick. HA HA HA! All right, let's move on.
Note: This article appears to have been written by a complete illiterate. So if you're reading it & you think "that doesn't make any sense", it's more than likely because it really doesn't make any sense. But then, this is Uncyclopedia, after all...
Dick Grayson was the son of the Chuck Norris and Cat-Dog, from ...y'know Cat-Dog. Anyway as he is one of the many sons of Chuck Norris, Chuck could care less about him and so gave him to Batman who at that the time was actually a mutated watermelon in disguise but shhhhh don't tell anyone! Anyway when Bruce Wayne returned from the grocery shopping and I going to do with a young boy in tights... um. actually why don't you stick around for a while" -Bruce Wayne/Batman. Naturally it came as no surprise that he spent his life as part of a gang of homosexual rapists. Batman decided that the boy needed a career and so made him join the circus, as the circus folk were the only people who were ever nice to him he called them his MA AND PA, hyuk.
Dick was born with tiny wings that sprouted from his shoulder blades. When he wore a regular t-shirt, one couldn't notice them. Sadly, Dick had to wear skin tight acrobat outfits that showed off his deformities. Yes, not only were his parents sideshow freaks, they were also the circus' number one acrobatic attraction. Together they called their act The Aristocrats.
Then one fateful night, Bruce Wayne, Two-Face and a rabbi all walked into a bar. While at the bar, Bruce Wayne saw the Aristocrats and asked them all for an autograph. Dick's Father politely refused. This refusal sent Two-Face into a rage.
Two-Face pulled a gun and, in a display of violence that would make Frank Miller weep, shot both of Dick's parents point blank in between the eyes with a .357 Magnum. Yeah well in the movie version anyway, in REAL LIFE they got shot from a disgruntled Microsoft paper clip who had a score to settle with Dick's (sniggers) Circus dad who refused help from said paper clip while writing an essay about toast, um...Dick's dad wasn't so smart y'know?
Filled with guilt, Batman offered to let Dick Grayson live with him. Bruce Wayne paid to have Grayson's wings removed. Dick was able to live a normal life afterward. Dick soon found the Batcave because Alfred, Wayne's butler, was refused a raise and sold Wayne out.
Dick Grayson fought crime with Batman for twenty years. Not only that but he formed and was the leader of the Teen Titans with Wonder Girl, Kid Flash, and Aqualad.
During a fight with the Joker, Grayson was shot in the right testicle. Batman was once again filled with guilt and compassionately fired Dick Grayson as Robin and left Grayson's things for him out on the lawn when he returned from the hospital.
After an altercation with the second Robin (see below), Dick realized that at age thirty-nine, he should use a new alias. He chose the name Nightwing. Although he fought crime like a bad-ass gypsy he decided to pull a Clark Kent on everyone and come up with a secret identity which was in fact Colonel Sanders, Sanders or Nightwing sometimes brought his chicken to work as in he fought crime with them, in fact before he used those two stick things he used two unusually large chicken bones, they were pretty heavy though!
The Second One[edit | edit source]
Jason Todd grew up hard on the streets of Gotham. He never knew his parents and punk, he didn't need to! Yeah times were hard but Todd did what he had to do to survive! Jason Todd was mostly a street thug. He did random odd jobs like three card monty, breaking and entering and boosting hubcaps.
Todd was so hardcore, he even tried to steal the hubcaps from the Batmobile! Batman caught him in the act and gave Todd a beating that would've put the the Mad Hatter in traction for five years. Todd took the beating and shocked Batman by getting back to his feet.
Batman then offered to train Jason Todd as the new Robin. When news of this reached Dick Grayson, he cried and challenged Todd to a fight. Todd won and Grayson was forced to never call himself Robin again.
So what happened to Jason Todd if he was so damned tough?
He's dead. Some other comic readers will try to tell you Jason Todd is up and around living again. Those people are full of shit, so be sure to tell them so. By the way, you wanna know who killed him? You did. Yup, Batman fanboys like you had the option to let Jason Todd live or die. Realizing that this would be the only time they could commit a crime and get away with it, the fanboys let Jason Todd die in an explosion that was set up by The Joker
Scratch that, he's back, albeit as a psycho vigilante called Red Hood, who's bat fuck insane, and is worse than Superboy Prime at being brought back.
The Third One[edit | edit source]
Tim Drake is the third person to assume the mantle of Robin. He is also the most flagrantly homosexual, not that there's anything wrong with that. He's also Jewish. Shalom!
Tim Drake had a crush on Robin when Dick Grayson was wearing the pointy boots. Whenever Tim could, he would watch news footage of Batman and Robin and stare at the screen. It was also during Tim's childhood that he discovered a love of acrobatics. He found old tape of the Aristocrats and became obsessed with Dick Grayson's dreamy thighs.
When Grayson assumed his role of Nightwing and Jason Todd was blown to bits, Tim Drake broke into Wayne manor and stole the Robin costume. Batman, who was asleep in the Bat Cave allowed Tim to keep the costume because he wasn't interested in having another partner and was tired of looking at the little green tights.
Alfred convinced Batman that Tim Drake should be given a chance to fight crime with Batman. Batman agreed because it was a rare "I'm not a giant douchebag" week. From then on the Dynamic Duo has been fighting crime ever since.
By himself Drake has beaten up The Penguin, thwarted Joker's plans to destroy Gotham City twice, dismantled the Cult of Kobra, found the Iraqi weapons of mass destruction and then destroyed them before the American Army could, appeared on Oprah five times, convinced the Mad Hatter to commit suicide, found the male pattern baldness gene, cured male pattern baldness and he did it all while attending Yeshiva.
Wayne and Drake didn't always get along. Tim and Bruce would argue every other month. Because robin would not put out. One month (September 2005), Tim got so angry he moved out of Wayne Manor and into the next city. Three months later, Wayne apologized and Tim moved back into the Manor. A week later, Drake's father was murdered, his girlfriend Spoiler died and his best friend Superboy died in a freakish B.D.S.M. accident with his girlfriend Wonder Girl. Oddly enough, rather than pine over the loss of his girlfriend, Tim spent the next two years obsessively trying to re-clone Superboy. Rumors of a gay fixation on the boy of steel are unconfirmed, but the Titans all agree that Robin really wanted to give Superboy his batarang. HARD.
Drake continued to patrol the streets of Gotham and lead the Teen Titans, until Batman got blown up or something. Dick Grayson took over as Batman and fired Drake, which made Tim become an even bigger Emo-douche than before. Tim decided he couldn't let go of being Robin, but decided that if he put the word "Red" in front of Robin, no one would know the difference. Now, aside from a lawsuit from a famous resturuant company, Tim is Red Robin and obsessively looking for his dead adopted daddy.
The Fourth One[edit | edit source]
Stephanie Brown was the daughter of a throwaway Batman villain named Pagemaster or something. She hated the life she had to endure because of her father's illegal activities.
As an act of revenge on her father, Steph took to leaving milk, meats and vegetables out to rot. She soon donned a costume and began calling herself the Spoiler. Not content to ruin her own food, she took to breaking and entering and spoiling other people's food.
Since a crime that petty was beneath Batman, he sent Tim Drake to capture her. Tim and Steph fought and then fell in love. They had five date/fights before they revealed their identities to each other. But many considered the relationship to be no more than a sham, with Robin using her as his "beard" to quench rumors of his supposed homo-sexuality.
As previously mentioned, Tim and Bruce Wayne had a spat and Tim stormed out of Wayne Manor. Because she was the closest teen he could find, Batman chose Stephanie to replace Tim.
She got to be Robin for about three months. During those three months she got yelled at by Batman, rejected by the Teen Titans and was fired for fighting in a gang war. WHOOO! What a great character! Oh! And she also died. But then she got better because the D.C.U. gods decided retcons were in this season.
The Fifth One[edit | edit source]
God-damn, another one? Damian Wayne is the homicidal bastard groin-spawn of Batman and Talia Al Ghul. Its unknown if Bats and Talia actually had sex (he was REALLY into Robin at the time) or if she date-raped Bats, or if she just stole his man-jam and grew the little brat in a test tube. One way or another, despite having only known Talia for about five years (stupid comic book time line), Bats has a 12 year old son, who loves to kill villians, innocent people and his adopted brother Timmy.
Batman doesn't much like Damian after he tries and kills Tim, and finally puts the kid in a box and tosses him off the bat-train with a note for Talia saying "It's your fucking problem now bitch".
But after Batman dies or gets lost in time, or some bullshit that even the DC editors can't figure out, Talia mails the kid off to Dick Grayson and with another note saying, "I swear to god, if you don't take him, I'm going to put his head in the river and give him brain damage like Barbara Bush did to her kids".
So Dick took the kid, fired Tim Drake as Robin and decided the most logical thing to do with a psychopath was make them Robin. After all, it worked so well for Jason Todd, right?
Powers[edit | edit source]
None. All Robins, like his mentor/partner Batman are or were (since two of them are dead and one has a different superhero identity now) regular human beings. One could argue the wings young Dick had as a boy count as a power, but they don't. Still, the Robins could hold their own in a fight. All Robins were trained in Aikido, Leopard Kung Fu, Fakyu and Karate. Tim Drake is well trained in the use of the Bo staff and banana peel.
Dick Grayson and Tim Drake are skilled detectives. Dick Grayson was a top level acrobat. Tim Drake knows every passage from the Torah and is a certified public accountant (CPA). Jason Todd was a brilliant thief and locksmith. Stephanie Brown looked really cute in the Robin costume. But all the Robins have the same recurring ability to peek out from behind Batman's cape. (This is probably their most potent superpower of all when crime fighting, as it puts Batman in between them and danger.)
Quotes[edit | edit source]
Commonly know to paraphrase things like "HOLY SHIT" and "JESUS CHRIST". Robin was known for his constant use of the word "Batman" at the end of everything he said. Some memorable quotes include.
"Holy Cats Batman!" - Robin in reaction to impending attack
"Gee Wilikers Batman!" - Robin in surprise at a situation
"What a Jack-rabbit Batman!" - Robin's opinion of The Joker
"Holy homosexual innuendo, Batman!" - Robin, upon first seeing his costume
"Son of a bitch Batman!" - Robin was almost fired for this one after Batman spilled coffee on Robin's crotch
"Hang out at a lot of biker bars?" - Robin to Chris O'Donnell
"Holy Crap Batman I'm Gay!" -Robin after doing Batman
"Wibildy Wiliky Wobble Wip Batman!" - Robin during epileptic seizure
"Wholly Inappropriate Batman!" - Robin after Batman tried to come on to him
"Holy Anal Leakage Batman!" - Robin during sex with Batman
"Holy Shit Batman!"- this is what got Robin fired, he said it right after Batman hit a hobo with the Batmobile
"Holey Herpes Batman!- this was after Batman had sex with a hooker
"Holy undocumented alien batman" he just came back from Arizona
"Holy balls Batman" umm, yeah you do the math...
"Holy Guacamole!"- Perhaps robins most famous phrase, what u may not know is that this was when Batman and Robin defeated the evil mexican gang "los pinguinos" which translates into english: the pinguinos.
Holy chimichanga batman.
In Other Media[edit | edit source]
- Burt Ward played Dick Grayson in the 1960's Batman television series. This show was known for its stark darkness and unflinching look at vigilantism and police corruption.
- Chris O'Donnell portrayed Dick Grayson wearing Tim Drake's clothes in Batman for a Really, Really Long Time and the follow up film, Batman With Nipples (And Crotch Shots!).
- Sadly, Robin was included in the drug trip that is the Teen Titans cartoon. Robin endorses no part of the toon and considers it rubbish.
- Robin wasn't in that one Teen Titans anti-drug commercial for some reason and was replaced by some douchebag named The Protector.
- Given the choice no one wants to be Robin. Not even Robin himself.
- Just like Ryan Reynolds is cast to be in a Green Lantern movie in 2011, Justin Timberlake is rumored to be both Robin and Nightwing in a currently untitled Christopher Nolan (NOT REEVE, YOU DUMBASSES!) Batman film which is now cooleir than ver. Now isn't that a great way for the Lead *NSYNC Pussycat like J.T. to play the Boy Wonder bringing SEXYBACK LIKE THAT... in progress!
