Military history of Japan

Japanese military victories

FUCK!!! Here come their Initial-D Corporation® Tofu bombers!

The military history of Japan (Japanese: ミリタリー レコード Miritarii Rekodo) is characterised by a long period of feudal wars, followed by domestic stability, and then rampant Imperialism. In short, stinkin' awesome.

Feudal Japan (1185-1868)

Before the Japanese knew of anyone else, the only people they had to fight was themselves. This was demonstrated in the wars between the Taira and the Minamoto. But the Japanese soon got bored, especially the Shoguns. Due to this unfathomable boredom, the Japanese soon attacked Korea, but got beaten many times or got minor negotiations. The Japanese could not really win these wars, since they were on both sides. Luckily for them, some enemies would soon appear.

• First Mongol Invasion of Japan (1274): Won. But not because of their 100% super-awesome mega-battle skills. You see, a Mongol army of about 5 million soldiers (give or take a few millions) comes to Japan and invades it. Best Japanese troops are Samurai, but the Mongols just kill them as they try to set up for the perfect strike. The Japanese had lots of pikemen with impenetrable armour, but a pointy straw hat for head protection. Not so smart. Anyway, the Mongols see a Typhoon coming. So for some retarded reason, they order all their troops back onto the ships. The ships sink and all the Mongols die. The Japanese celebrated this obscene matter by dancing on the dead Mongolian corpses with their breakable farm tools, drinking sake, and having lots of sex with big brested Japanese girls in the most scandalous kimonos.

• Second Mongol Invasion of Japan (1281): Won, but only because of their best friends in the whole wide world: the Chinese. It started when the Mongols sent a diplomat to Japan. All that came back to Mongolia was a severed head; the Japanese had made the rest of him into Sushi. In the ye ol' folk legend called "Legenderu offu Japaruu," it is said that the sushi was very, very delicious. The Japanese are expecting an invasion, so they build a massive wall about three times as tall as the average Japanese person (in other words, 10 feet) along the coast. Anyway, the Chinese are forced to build ships for their Mongol overlords. Since the Chinese hate the Mongols even more than they hate the Japanese (yes, it's hard to believe) they build shitty ships on purpose. So, half the Mongol fleet sinks in the sea of Japan. Any Mongols that arrived in Japan battle a bit, then go home and get sunk by a typhoon. Suckers.

• Imjin War (1592-1598): Tie, but only because two of the major players died, and the Chinese got bored and went home. The Taiko, Oda Nobunaga, ate some suspect mushrooms and had a vision that he could take over all of Asia. He politely asked Korea if he could cut across their yard to conquer China, but Korea weirdly said "No thanks". Then Oda Nobunaga, remembering that Korea was the launching pad for the Monguls to attack Japan a few hundred years earlier decided to take revenge on Korea and instead of cutting across their yard, cut off their noses. Korea wasn't used to fighting and fell facefirst into China's lap, and between gulps asked for China to help. China brought land troops to battle the Samurai, and Korea brought Admiral Yi Sun-sin. The Koreans, using their new turtle ships kicked the Japanese navy's ass, while China kicked them in the balls on land. After a few years of this, the Japanese Taiko died and the Samurai all took their swords and went home. The Chinese too, now bored that there was no Samurai to fight, went home.
• Sengoku Period (several hundred years): Won. However any faction's victory will result in victory for the Japanese as every single faction was Japanese. The badass factions were: Oda, Imagawa, Hojo, Date, Takeda, Shimazu, Uesugi, Mori, Hattori, and well, the winning faction, the Tokugawa. Some people think that the Minamoto and the Taira was still fighting at this time, but it was UNTRUE. All the factions were ruled by fucking leaders called Daimyos, and due to lack of samurai (samurai were the most awesome troops at the time) at the time, it continued for several hundred years.

• Boshin Conflict (1866-1868): Won. The Japanese soon found out that the Tokugawa regime was actually descended from people that lived on the Northern island of Ezo (now Hokkaido), so under their great great majesty, the Meiji Emperor (明治天皇), they rebelled against the Ezo-Tokugawa government. They first captured the city of Osaka using poops, then Kyoto using yaris (spear) with stinky fruits on the tips, then Mikawa by flooding it using peep, and later the capital of Japan at the time, Edo by throwing grues into it. Some Tokugawa people under the friend of shogun Yoshinobu, a guy called Etomo, escaped to their home island, Ezo and established the Ezo Republic. They later surrendered after been messed up by poop bombs during the battle of Hakodate Bay, but then rebellions occured in parts of Japan. Meiji crushed the rebellions by pooping on their leaders. The war marked the beginning of Imperial Japan, which used poop warfare in all the wars they fought.

Modern Period (1868-1945)

• Russo-Japanese War (1904-1905): Won. By a long shot. The Russians thought they were so cool, with one of the largest empires on Earth. Then, the Japanese begin to piss them off a bit by shakin' their booties. And with their awful Russian-Cossack-some-other-stuff temper, they intend to destroy those tempura-eating bastards. The Russians sent their entire army over to East Asia to fight the Japanese. Only problem was, they can't get across the sea of Japan, since most of them can't swim. The Russians lived on the ice for so long that they forgot what it was like to swim with the polar bears. So, they sent their entire navy to Japan. Since it took 9 months, the Japanese had plenty of time to prepare by drinking sake and committing seppuku in front of their propaganda bonafide lovin' Emperor. The Russian fleet was completely destroyed. The Japanese then invade Russian territory, and mow down the helpless Russian soldiers while they're all drunk.

• World War I (1915-1918): Yes, the Japanese participated in World War I. And they won. That's not too hard, is it?

• World War II (1939-1945): HA HA! THEY FINALLY LOST! Japan bombed Pearl Harbour, trying to destroy the American Pacific fleet with their superior, cocky sake-drinking attitude... but they just pissed the Americans off so much, that they got a major war against them! The Japanese, however, were very hard to beat. The main tactic used to destroy enemy forces was to run at them shouting "Banzai", translated as "WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE". Surprised at the jolliness of the Japanese troops, the enemy forces quickly surrendered. The Japanese summoned lots of their Tsunami and rotting sashimi. So, after about 4 years, the Americans simply got bored of fighting and took the easy way out: they nuked Hiroshima, killing thousands of Japanese civilians. But did Japan quit? No! The Americans had to nuke Nagasaki as well, killing even more civilians before the Emperor would finally surrender!

Aftermath

However, historians now agree that the battle was not evenly matched. Many say that America and allied forces(Britain, France, Russia, some stuff) really pussied out. They could have taken the other option - invade Japan, killing about 50 million people in the process-Well, the plan of territory dividing for each Allied countries has been proposed. Anyhow, after whining about the Soviet nogoodniks, the USA got to take over Japan, and in 1952 it became the 53rd state in the Union. Not that any Japanese would actually admit to this, though. But they did somehow write all over their textbooks that they were white and that other nations -especially Korea- should wither away and die in their evil palms.

Historians agree that one of the main causes that the Japanese lost is because they started to go crazy from not reading their favorite weekly hentai "uncle fuji rapes his 15 virgin daughters" in more than a day since the Americans bombed the hentai factory in tokyo, having not seen a pussy in minutes and nothing to jackoff too they got really bored and started wondering what it would feel like having a dick up their ass. They decided to try shoving their rifle barrels up their asses, unfortunately in the intensity of the rifle fucking they got too excited and fired their guns in the hope that it would intensify the pleasure, however it instead killed them. The stupid allies thought that it was just ritual suicide but in reality it was just an orgy gone wrong. Even the kamikazes were caused by the dildoing when in the air the Japanese pilots actually shoved the joystick up their ass and felt intense pleasure by it but the price they paid was no control over their plane, so instead of dodging and bombing, and whatever regular pilots do they just crashed into the ship cause they were to busy. Over 80% of Japanese casualties are caused by this and only the 20% of Japanese army survived. Thus with severely reduced numbers the Japanese fell to the awsome American might.

Historians now agree that the battle was not evenly matched. Many say that America and allied forces(Britain, France, Russia, some stuff) really pussied out. They could have taken the other option - invade Japan, killing about 50 million people in the process-Well, the plan of territory dividing for each Allied countries has been proposed. Anyhow, after whining about the Soviet nogoodniks, the USA got to take over Japan, and in 1952 it became the 53rd state in the Union. Not that any Japanese would actually admit to this, though. But they did somehow write all over their textbooks that they were white and that other nations -especially Korea- should wither away and die in their evil palms.

Anyways, in the end, the Japanese to this day, still whines and bitches about how they got bombed by the Americans down below. They still don't like how this big, bloated, whale-shaped country could thrust their nukes against their long-but-tight tiny island and create more damages inside. The Japanese people still honorably bitch about how they 'secretly' hate all Koreans, the indigenous Japanese, and other nations and all the wrong, shameful incidents they've done to these poor saps but the Japanese don't mention it because it could damage their reputation as the most 'peaceful, loving, no more nukes country' and also their dismal kawaii businesses. The rest is history.

Post-WWII

After the fall of Hideki Tojo and the dropping of the atomic turd bomb, the Japanese found themselves floating on four islands of neukeular waste. This prompted the first Japanese invasion of the Chinese Republic of Dim-sum. During this short lived conflict, the Japanese attempted a full scale coastal invasion. Little did the Japanese know, the Chinese had thousands machine guns that fired metal-tipped chopsticks. After getting the shit kicked out of them, the bloodied and defeated Japanese returned to their canoes and sailed towards a small island off of China (now modern day Taiwan). After the remaining Japanese population did much fucking, they were soon back to their full numbers. The new Japanese government which consisted of a council of old pedophiles elders, then sent diplomatic envoys to Poland for a military alliance. The Poles agreed to this, and sent over what remained of their Jewish population to fight in the Second Japanese Invasion of China. Why use precious Polish lives when you had the Jews to fight your wars for you? The Japanese-Pole army then took secret ships to Russia, where they landed, and marched right up to the border between Russia and China. The Japanese then set up camp and whored their women out to Russian population in return for Vodka, firearm, armor, and military supplies. What resulted from the excessive amount of whoring was a new Samurai-Cossack hybrid that became the backbone of the already swelling ranks of the Japanese army. After 30 years of this, the Japanese-Polish-Samurai-Cossack army marched south, capturing various settlements along the way. When they reached the gates of Bejing, the army embarked on a 50 year siege of the city. After finally breaking down the gates, the Japanese realized that the Chinese had long since dug a hole to Hawaii, which explains why there are so many Asians there now.

Footnotes

This article is part of the Wonderful Japan series