User:Zim ulator/archive9

UnNews:Disney targets Muslim world for new theme park

Merits expansion into a full Uncyclopedia article--barely scratches the surface of what would be the rides and concessions at Jihad World. You could have a lot of fun with this. Spıke ¬  13:20 16-Feb-10

By all means, do one. I'll contribute. Right now I've got too many irons in the fire, so to speak. Thanks for your kind words. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 16:28, February 16, 2010 (UTC)

Creative idea on both your parts. May I toss in a few ideas? Al in Chains 19:29 same day

You may do better! you may start the article! as I have irons in the fire too; today was technical repair in UnNews and I already have a request into Romartus for a joint save of Wild Toast off VFD; thereafter more audios, if my voice starts to sound better. Spıke ¬  19:36 16-Feb-10

Zim, why don't you make a copy of the UnNews page onto an article page, and then it can be edited as a main space page, maybe after it's on UnNews for a few days. Thoughts? ~   2:21 18 Feb. MMX

UnNews technical discussion

Zim, it is often the case in tech-writing that the quickest way to get to the truth is to purport to write it down. In rewriting the UnAudio instructions today, I did make one flagrant guess: that uploadable files could conceivably be something other than MP3, such as OGG. Should this possibility stand, or should I strike it in the interest of mandating consistency? Spıke ¬  01:29 17-Feb-10

This was discussed a while back, and the decision was to go with mp3 format exclusively for convenience. Thanks for checking with me. Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 01:47, February 17, 2010 (UTC)

I appreciate the clarity--I'll fix it now. Spıke ¬  01:57 17-Feb-10

A final annoying question for today. {{FrontPageMediaMenuBeta}}, which I am now invoking from UnNews:UnNewsAudio, contains the section head UnRadio (a term I don't see used elsewhere). This results in a head inside a head in UnNews:UnNewsAudio. Could the section head be removed from the template and added to the UnNews front page? Does anything else break? Who should do this edit? Spıke ¬  03:49 17-Feb-10

Not annoying in the least, Spike. As for the term UnRadio, honestly, I'd never bothered to do a thorough check of our code, although I've been wanting to for a while now. Based on what you've written, I can see you probably understand wiki code much better than I do. I hereby officially declare you as an class which may access any and all UnNews related code to do with as you will. I appreciate you're consulting me, since I am, of course, the most important and powerful UnNews deity <cough>. You, sir, have my blessings. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 16:02, February 17, 2010 (UTC)

Thanks for the vote of confidence. I've reworded the section heading inside {{FrontPageMediaMenuBeta}}. Rather than pulling it out of there, I've knocked down by one the level of every section head in UnNews:UnNewsAudio, noting the same in a comment at the start, so that the embedded section heading will be a "top-level" heading on the Audio front page.

But you failed to answer one of my questions: What else breaks? There are a lot of pages under "What links here" whose function I don't know.

Next good thing to do: Create a copy of the above template with a more reasonable name. Spıke ¬  16:33 17-Feb-10

Jeezus! after lunch I'm going to have to stop hacking and go back to articles--someone here has got to write an UnNews that's based on the news!!! Spıke ¬  16:51 17-Feb-10

As to what else breaks, in truth, I don't know. Almost all this code was in place before my time, and many changes have been made without my knowledge. I can help but very little here. As to your exclamation of, "Jeezus", I cannot help but wonder if my last "article" prompted that. If so, I am honored. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 17:08, February 17, 2010 (UTC)

All of the above is now done. Yes, I did go into the history and saw who wrote that last one. Spıke ¬  18:53 17-Feb-10

And another thing. I've been referred to Spang (User talk:Spang Section 10) to ask the question whether there is a way that the UnNews Main Page displays section numbers (as in "13 Start a new article") which in no case help things. Surely you've been through this and have found there is no way out? And another thing: I just noticed that the UnNews Main Page is calling for headlines to be rendered in Georgia font. I don't have it, I don't like what it's producing here, and the headlines have no element tag for which I can write a local override. (Though I don't dislike it so much that I ever noticed it before.) Spıke ¬  03:38 18-Feb-10

At this point, I have to say I have neither the time nor the inclination to deal with such matters myself. Real life is currently imposing limits on how many different kinds of things I can think about right now, and I must decline to get involved for now. All I can advise is, as long as you don't fuck things up for other users, you'll probably be on safe ground, and do consult other admin-types who know far more about Wikia than I. Cheers, thanks for your interest and writing, and good luck! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 05:43, February 18, 2010 (UTC)

Okay! enough technical talk! Today's first UnNews release (from Shittown) is of unusually low quality; moreover, Funnybony has just asked me to proof a release that is likewise unrelated to the day's events. If this trend continues for another day, that itself will make a winning topic for an UnNews article. Spıke ¬  14:01 18-Feb-10

UnSignpost 18th February 2010

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Th-the m-m-most con-confident new-Newspaper in a wh-while

Feb 18th, 2010 • Issue 76 • Now with 20% more vanity!

Understanding of the universe is shattered; Creation as we know it is defunct By POTR Imperial colonisation is back, and in true colonisation style, is taking religion to the masses. One of the most controversial elements of religious understanding has been the answer to the question "How did we get here?" This has often been seen in the debate that has been long held between Creationists and Evolutionists. Now that Imperial Colonisation is back on its feet, under the able guidance of IC Buccaneer Admiral Why?, they are educating the masses on this as we speak. "The article had been befouled by some evil doers, probably French or Spanish or Americans or worse. We are diligently researching and writing to bring the article in line with the Truth." stated Buccaneer Admiral Why?. A dramatic re-write is in process, as Why? has all his seamen working towards the noble goal of indoctrinating the masses in Creationist theory. After some false starts involving a banana and a jar of peanut butter, the recreation of creationism is being created. "The colonized article will show how the Empire has the right and duty to colonize everywhere by any methods available, and that anything we do is God's will. We will finish it by Saturday, 20 of February, or by Saturday, 27 of February, depending upon how long it takes us to colonize the natives. Anyone who wishes to apply to join our noble effort may do so at Uncyclopedia:Imperial Colonization." Why? stated in closing. Darwin awards - Uncyclopedia Stylie By POTR Recently a n00b by the name of I LIKE PIE!!! chose to join the Uncyclopedia family. After a very short time he demonstrated the behaviours that make Uncyclopedia the place that it is. Of course, removing edits and formatting fixes by other users had him come to the attention of Dr. Skullthumper, who politely left him a message along with a 48 hour ban. Fortunately he showed the resilience that 10 year olds have when they are in the middle of doing something completely idiotic, and continued to trawl through people's talk pages, undo their edits, and generally be a dick. MrN9000, understanding the right balance of politeness and harshness, gave I LIKE PIE!!! a friendly message on his talk page, with a 1 week ban to support the severity of his words. Undeterred, I LIKE PIE!!! later returned. 1 week and 35 minutes after his previous ban, MrN repeated his previous words to the young man, along with a further 1 week ban. Thankfully, it appears that I LIKE PIE!!! took MrN's words to heart, as he managed to last a further 30 minutes after this second ban before he ran afoul of Roman Dog Bird, who in true RDB style demonstrated what an infinite ban actually means. When hard-hitting journalists pressed for details relating to the banning of this pre-pubescent pestilence, MrN replied "What kinda a journalist are you man!?!" Congratulations, I LIKE PIE!!!, for becoming the inaugural Uncyclopedia Darwin award winner, and removing yourself from the meme pool that we all enjoy.

Check out these pages! Some people are just too vain... Sluts get VD, I think Everyone loves a bad winner From our logs: Under user blocked 206.113.136.253 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (y0u h@v3 b33n b@nn3d (don't be a tw@t)) MrN9000 huffed "Onlytheashesremain" ‎ (You call that an article? Put your back into it!!!, not that we are calling you stupid you understand. Dave, can we call you Dave?) Roman Dog Bird huffed "Bucket of Shit" ‎ (Funny title, but the content proves that you like to suck big, fat, black, dick. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but you obviously have trouble admitting it. Well....I'm not here for you dude. Sorry.) Biopic of the Week Hmm, who to bio this week? Well, it's been a while since we covered {{username}}, we could always go back to that old chestnut... Or maybe something esoteric, like profiling the sidebar, that'd fit with Unsignpost tradition. Hmm. Or maybe we could note that Turbo-Whoring machine, one-man Doritos fan club and Torch-Carrier by appointment to someone called "Jenny", CheddarBBQ hasn't actually asked to be profiled this week, and therefore decide this is the perfect opportunity to profile him. Usurping of the Week The Unführer of Der Unwehr has recently demonstrated the concept of survival of the fittest by finally having someone with more DU points than him threatening his position. "This is unacceptable, and will not be tolerated. Following standard Nazi protocol, the young officer in question will be forced to resign his position due to his disturbing excess of competence, just like what Hitler did to Rundstedt, List, Manstein, Bock, Rundstedt again, Busch, Leeb, and Rundstedt a third time. I wash my hands of this." Unführer Guildensternenstein said in response. Stand-in of the Week It has come to our attention that an anonymous user has infiltrated the presses here and overtaken the majority of the writing for an issue of the Unsignpost. When approached by Necropaxx to discuss this catastrophe, he is quoted as saying "I... is a... butt." This editorial team couldn't agree more.

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9001(bot)  23:44, Feb 18

UnNews:UnNews bureau ignores the news

Your edit reinforced my subtle poke to my fellow reporters (though making it unsubtle) to write articles that have some small relation to reality, as opposed to just using UnNews as a repository for goofy ideas that takes less effort than turning them into a full article. The article, of course, is an example of the problem it cites. But, to date, it isn't working. Three articles in a row about goofy, made-up lawsuits! Spıke ¬  13:42 21-Feb-10

But look at the great article on the death of Alexander Haig. I really like that one (not the death, well, that too, but the article). OK, popped in here for a quick comment, on my way, shoo. Aleister in Chains a few minutes later

Great, but completely off the wall! Any eulogy of Haig should have mentioned his defining moment, right after the Reagan assassination attempt, where he said, "Constitutionally, I am in charge here," totally reassuring even though Constitutionally untrue. Surely laid the groundwork for the last two Presidents to use the 222-year-old document as toilet paper while claiming to be faithful to their vow! Spıke ¬  13:54 21-Feb-10

True, all you said. He could have had Sid Haig, when a movie director hurt himself, say "I'm in charge here, at the movie set" or something. OK, within a few day I'll do a timely news article about something. And thanks again for the tip on the edit-section, makes it much easier. And Zim, thanks for the use of the talk space, rent check in the mail. Al

Well, that's the key: straddle reality and your chosen misconception of it, not leave reality altogether; make the connection. Spıke ¬  14:24 21-Feb-10

Happy to host this discussion in my talk space, fellow travelers. I just want to step in and make a comment about UnNews stories and what they "should be". True, I have an idea that the original guys who put UnNews together may have had a vision of something like "The Onion" or maybe "The Daily Show", and whatever passes for quality faux journalism humor in other parts of the world. I am in complete support for that level and style of writing, and would love to have more of it.

Having said that, I myself am incapable of creating such. Most of my process happens when I see a funny pic and try to attach meaning to it, letting my subconscious processes bubble until the finished product (or dreck, if you prefer) surfaces. I used to talk about these things at work, but found it isolated me as a bull goose loony. I love the way Uncyclopedia encourages many types of humor, and feel pretty good that I've found a niche for my weird ideas.

Which brings me to what UnNews "should be". It's the way it is now because of contributions. I've certainly carved out a space for crazies like me because, face it, I am like me too. The reason there's so much of it is mostly because I put in the most time here. I try to write an article every day, do comics, rotate headlines, edit stories, do audios, and other stuff. Spike and AI, among others, do tons of stuff too, and the more you do, the more your fingerprints end up all over UnNews, the more it begins to look like something else.

In fact, you two and some others have brought about some changes since you've become active in UnNews, and I think they're all great. Please do keep it up. It's sort of like communism, only worse. In short, I'm having fun, and I hope everyone else is too. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 17:10, February 21, 2010 (UTC)

I hope that, by Communism, you mean the "Let a thousand flowers bloom" thing. And not the forced re-education camps. Spıke ¬  18:46 21-Feb-10

Sorry, I was thinking along the lines of pulling a Pol Pot. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 19:26, February 21, 2010 (UTC)

UnSignpost 25th February 2010 (It's not late your mum is)

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

83.54% more reliable than The Daily Mail

Feb 25th, 2010 • Issue 77 • Slurping the froth of Truth off the cappuccino of News

Games, games and more games! We have more games then you can poke a stick at! By POTR Is the games namespace 99.9% shit was the question elegantly asked by OptyC recently. A simple question that has sparked a storm in a teacup. While Uncyclopedia is, undoubtably, the pinnacle of fine parody, it has been suggested the this particular poor cousin of the Main space has been allowed to fall into disrepair and disrepute due to the influx of poorly crafted content. In the words of one editor Delete it. It's cruft and I'm not even sure if it qualifies as a parody namespace of anything on Wikipedia. However, despite the lack of quality content, a significant portion of users have requested that it remain in play, however it be improved by having a little tender loving care given to it, along with a more rigid amount of cruft huffing. As such, it is with open arms we welcome the inclusion into this realm of the new moderator of the Games namespace OptyC, who will be referred to going forward as the Game Master. Upon the announcement of this singularly spectacular accolade, Optyc's first words were Maybe I shoulda just kept my mouth shut, eh? Although much respect must be levelled his way at the way he has taken to his new role with much gusto, winnowing through the chaff to find the kernels of wheat available in there. For more information on these developments, visit Forum:The Games namespace. It's Alive! By Mordillo A new blow to the "democrats"/"liberals"/"whiny bitches" of Uncyclopedia, opposing the disputed hereditary law. Senior member of the non existent Cabal and editor-in-chief-in-absentia of this newspaper, UU has announced the birth of heiress to the throne, also known as UUette. UUette was reportedly born holding a scepter and a miniature ban hammer, wearing a crown and QVFD grade galoshes and waving frantically at the hysterical cheering masses. The non existent cabal promptly announced a reserved seat for UUette in the VFS round of 2026 as well as the prestigious position of "Noob of the Month". A shrouded spokesperson for the Cabal noted that "it would have been important for the Cabal, were it to exist, that the existing Cabal dynasty, especially one coming from such a quality genetic specimen such as UU, shall continue without disturbance. The Cabal is greatly pleased with UU and Mrs. UU for bolstering its numbers for the greater Cabal's good." Sporadic demonstration of support were noted around the Uncyclopedia realm, as supporters of the Cabal were seen with "DEAR UUette IS GREAT" and "ALL HAIL THE HEIR APPARENT" signs. So called "democratic"/"liberals"/"whiny bitches" protests were dealt with swiftly and efficiently. And from all of us in the UnSignpost here is one big congratulations UU, may your daughter have huge...errr..tracks of land.

Check out these pages! A very pointed question Something about penises? Damn this self-referential humour From our logs: sannse blocked EugeneKay with an expiry time of 2 hours ‎ (WILL YOU PLEASE STOP GETTING BLOCKED!) MrN9000 blocked 173.53.142.210 with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (HOWARD STERN IS *NOT* THE GREATEST. Steve Davis is considerably better for example. As is Burt Reynolds.) Under user 80.239.242.142 with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (me again - I see you're still a twat. have much longer to do something about that.) Biopic of the Week Puppy on the radio's signature has been a long and respectable member of the Uncyclopedia community for many months. Undergoing genetic manipulations and constant radiation bombardment, it now qualifies as a sentient entity by its own accord. The signature, expecting to be emancipated in the near future, indicated that it likes funny articles, men who are not afraid to be in touch with their feelings and long strolls on the beach. Mordillo's profound statement of the Week "I don't mind boobs" Source: User talk:MrN9000 Word of the Week Abodespotism IPA: /əˈbəʊˈdɛs.pɒt.ɪzəm/ the rule of a household despot; the exercise of absolute authority over the household. absolute power or control of all housemates; tyranny of shared living.(n) (eg. "While you live in my house you will abide by my rules.") Origin: Abode + Despotism Related forms: Ab⋅od⋅es⋅pot⋅ic  , Ab⋅od⋅esp⋅o⋅tis⋅tic, Ab⋅od⋅esp⋅o⋅tis⋅ti⋅cal, adjective Ab⋅od⋅esp⋅o⋅tist, noun Note: Often confused with Nespotism. Source: Undictionary Underwater Sea Monster Sighting of the Week Deep sea recent changes fishermen have been repeatedly reporting sightings of a huge scaled fire breathing creature, roaming the deep. Later on, the on call coast guard confirmed that this was a "once in a generation sighting of Ogopogo. Ogopogo, a mythical see creature than has been tamed by the Cabal many generations ago, has been lost for decades but now apparently decided to come back and check what's for dinner. Tsunami waves are expected all across the pond for the next few weeks. Administrative Notification of the Week Uncyclopedia's management would like to thank all participants of the 2nd Dubai Uncyclocon and would like to emphasize that it takes no responsibility for the excessive usage of forged passports. Please, people, try to be more discreet next time eh?

9001(bot)  21:04, Feb 28

New address for Spike

There is a new page, User:SPIKE/UnNews, which will hold a log of my contributions and serve as a talk page for UnNews-related stuff. If you're like me and minimize false alerts by Unwatching pages, you might nevertheless Watch this page, as it will relate to UnNews. Spıke ¬  20:38 2-Mar-10

Very cool. Thanks for the heads up. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 20:40, March 2, 2010 (UTC)

Zim, I'd like a second opinion (and not just to hump my article)--Today's dispatch on Senator Bunning luckily matches the lead story on the evening news, but is it funny enough to people who don't follow the Washington play-by-play to merit an audio? Spıke ¬  00:15 3-Mar-10

Definitely, do it! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 00:44, March 3, 2010 (UTC)

Audio in! Zana has a truly remarkable one as well. Now, I need something else from you: All my audios have used 22K monaural instead of the usual 44K stereo. This one also skimps on encoding (which, in view of the above, shouldn't matter) to produce a file that's 25% smaller. Do you notice a drop-off in audio quality between tonight's file and previous ones? Spıke ¬  02:16 3-Mar-10

Yeah, Zana did a truly twisted audio. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to upload to podcast due to web site difficulties. As for your question, no, I noticed no difference in quality, and I admire your attention to file size. I admit, it took me a while to become as considerate here. One caveat, though. I don't have great headphones or speakers, so as far as I can tell, the audio quality is fine. Cheers, and congrats on your awards! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 10:27, March 3, 2010 (UTC)

Thanks! Mordillo already gave me my Manny, but I moved it to User:SPIKE/UnNews, now pointed to by the microphone in my signature. I won't be alone at UnNews Audio this month (and POTR wrote in the talk page of the Zombies-lawsuit item that he has dibs on Audio) but I don't plan to let up. You are tireless at motivating your creative staff.

Am pleased that the smaller files don't sound worse. I couldn't tell the difference, but my equipment (electronic + biological) is not First Quality. As I say on my UnNews page, when you create an MP3, you specify the "bit rate"--You are thereby dictating how big the file should be. Through February, I used a conventional file size (128 Kbps) but had only voice-quality information, so much of the file would either be unused or be holding information unlikely to be audible. 96 Kbps is as low as I can go with my software, but even 64 should give the same apparent quality. Spıke ¬ 13:05 3-Mar-10

PS--User:SPIKE/UnNews now also contains recommendations on audio settings and a brief tutorial on WAV versus MP3, and is linked to for optional guidance from UnNews:UnNewsAudio.

You may have misunderstood my remark a couple weeks ago about meeting some day next June at an All-Americans game. This doesn't involve going to Nashua and paying $7, but going to Exit 38 and paying $3. You don't have to care about baseball--though you have to humor me and let me keep a scorecard--but, as casual observers often note, there are tons of idle moments and lots of fresh air. Spıke ¬ 13:44 3-Mar-10

UnSignpost 4th March 2010 (your calendar is wrong)

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Because Uncyclopedia is no laughing matter.

Mar 4th, 2010 • Issue 78 • Snorting the drug of Truth from the toilet seat of News

Controversy over Uncyclopedian leads journalist to public outcry By Him again The "of the Month" nominations and celebrations have been marred recently by drama circulating in forums, talk pages and on vote pages in various areas. Fortunately, whenever and wherever a drama has reared its ugly head an Unsignpost reporter has been there to cover it. Why do I need to provide this? is now experiencing his second week of not having been nominated for anything. After mentioning to a respected editor that he had been nominated for at least one award for almost every day he had been part of the Uncyclopedia community, he bemoaned the fact that he had not been nominated for anything this month. "I've been nommed for something EVERY SINGLE DAY of the five months I've been here--until this month. I'm not nommed for anything. It's pretty depressing, really." Why? complained As a result of this complaining, Why? was then nominated for an award that had been more respected in the breach then in the observance - to paraphrase the bard - Nomination of the Month. When, after a series of events, Roman Dog Bird felt obliged to nominate Aleister in Chains' Nomination for NOTM of PuppyOnTheRadio's nomination for NOTM of Why do I need to provide this?'s nomination of PuppyOnTheRadio for UGotM, he simply stated "This is a stupid award." Meanwhile, at UotM, discussion over the number of awards given out led to an obvious discussion about the worth of RotM and UotM, which of course led, as all conversational roads do, to the hugely popular and debatably talented Dan Brown, not to be confused with Dan Kwon, as we aren't quite sure who he is. The debate got unexpectedly heated when a talented and handsome editor suggested that another less talented editor should perform carnal and bestial acts with random household appliances. Remember to cast your vote in AotM, PotM, RotM, NotM and WotM, or nominate the uncyc member that has impressed you most in these areas. And of course, always remember Mordillo's words, "This one is for people who made Uncyclopedia better by cleaning up shop, helping people and allow Uncyclopedia to wobble around without falling over." Vote today. Or tomorrow - depending on if you have the time. Vote for Sandwiches suspended, Uncyclopedians confused By UU Confusion reigned supreme in Uncyclopedia this month, as the ever-popular Vote for Sandwiches page was inexplicably protected, and changed to something that appears to be called "Vote for Sysops". Historical investigation by our fearless mascot DogNewspaper has revealed that this is actually the traditional process by which new sysops are selected on Uncyc - which came as a surprise to many editors, particularly the newer ones, many of whom didn't realise new sysops could be selected. And with the current vote count standing at 6 in favour, and with few regularly active sysops left to vote, it looks like the chances are that there will be new sysops by the end of this month - so time to start deciding who you're gonna nominate! Who will be the next to have a thousand IPs ask them on their talkpage why they deleted their useless little one-line stub? Stay tuned to find out?

Check out these pages! Heh - poopy Haven't we been here before? Hang on - writing articles? There's an idea... From our logs: 02:36, 1 March 2010 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked 153.107.33.156 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 months ‎ (Cyberbullying: I'm guessing that's what you are trying to do. If so, you are shit at it.) 14:57, 2 March 2010 Todd Lyons (Talk | contribs) blocked {contr|207.144.173.198}} (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (Anti-semitism + stupidity = my foot + your butt) 19:05, 2 March 2010 Zim ulator (Talk | contribs) blocked 66.211.39.160 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Vandal: Why don't you go to concervapedia, and ask them if Jesus loves you. I say, He doesn't.) 18:32, 2 March 2010 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 87.114.246.12 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (blanking by installments is still blanking. and blanking makes baby jesus cry. it also pisses me off, and that's far worse.) Biopic of the Week Is it actually legal to have two Portsmouth fans on the same wiki? The subject of this week's spotlight, Nachlader cared not a jot for this important question when he joined Codeine as Uncyc's second Pompey fan. Nachlader is an occasional drunk poster in the dump, a former NotM and RotM and, lest we forget, the writer of some very fine featured articles. Shame no-one can spell his username though. Old-school featured article of the month Smells Like Teen Spirit was a monthly celebrity scratch and sniff magazine produced by Grunge Publications in the early 1990's. Beckoning a time of true periodical change, young women aged eighteen to twenty-two decided that merely looking upon their favourite celebrities no longer hot-buttered their ever-so-proverbial muffins and collectively proclaimed, "Here we are... now entertain us." Perhaps it was something in the way these determined ladies phrased this proclamation, or simply the fact that Grunge perceived a lucrative sliver of the niche market that was girls who wanted to smell things, but the call was swiftly answered with a glossy, uniquely olfactory experience hailed as "a Nirvana for the nostrils" that became the unofficial scent of Generation X.

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9001(bot)  00:19, Mar 6

Funnybony thanks you, kind sir!

"My dear, for so long I'm coming from THAT side only. But then I met my Guru, HH MrN, and since then my life has simply changed. I am verking post-haste and trying my level-best to be an Uncyclopedia Beach Surf Local. And, by the grace of my Guru, I have been sooo fortunate as to receive this kindness from your good self. In fact, I..." ZIM: "Whoa! these damn Indians! Will somebody tell this bozo to shut the fuck UP!" - FB: "Oh, Sir! Begging pardon!"--Funnybony    09:21, Mar 6

I am certain that we are on completely different medication regimens, because I only vaguely understood some of that. The gist of it, I gather, is that you're very pleased about having gotten my special UnNews ninjastar. You got it because you jazz/rock, sir. I ask only two things, if you please; first, could you follow UnNews protocol and begin your articles with "CITY IN CAPS, Country Or State In Leading Caps Only --", using the double dash -- instead of the period? This is mostly just a consistency thing. Second, if you don't mind, is perhaps to put a few more links and categories in your articles. Mind you, they're generally quite good as is. But, why not shine, since you're on my (hint) promotion list ? Now polish those boots so I can see my face in them, soldier! Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 13:36, March 6, 2010 (UTC)

Dude! Sorry! I didn't know about your reply until I just saw my talk page. Sure, tonight I'll go through the formatting info link you sent. And thanks for cleaning up other UnNews. Certainly, as an Uncyclopedia Beach Local I want to do things as correctly as I know how. But I'm not sure about the ending of the news for tomorrow: UnNews:Blanks: Cheap Alternative Or Ulterior Motive, because its a trick ending that kinda works on a long news story of GREAT IMPORTANCE to the CIA. As for your special UnNews ninjastar, I was so speechless that I printed it out and had it tattooed (some where) on my body - COOL! Thanks a bunch, bro!--Funnybony    10:30, Mar 9

Nosubst

The more I think about it, the more I think that "nosubst" is what you wanted. It is what we use to ensure that a reference to our signature files rather than their contents goes into the pages we sign. It seems to be a way to tell a template not to read out into the first page that invokes it. In your case, you wanted the template BASEPAGENAME to be stuck into my user talk page (which, when rendered on my screen, would read out as SPIKE), not read out in the template file itself. When I modified the template, I noticed on the next edit that what went in there was not subst:BASEPAGENAME but "Notice of Promotion"--which was the base page at that moment. Using nosubst might defer the effect. Spıke ¬ 18:38 6-Mar-10

Have at it, if you wish. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 18:51, March 6, 2010 (UTC)

I do not wish! because, again, this trick makes an unwise assumption on the location from which the template will be invoked, as a sneaky way to look up a user name without you having to type it. Would there never be a case where you wanted to use the template on one of X's pages to note that Y had gotten a promotion? By the way, the DIV announcing my own promotion (now at User:SPIKE/UnNews, as you've seen) did not use the template at all but was coded longhand! Hardly a fair beta-test. Spıke ¬ 19:41 6-Mar-10

Righ, only the admin or bureaucrat doing the promoting uses the template, once, and on the promotees talk page, leaving behind the code the promotee would use to show off his shiny new epaulets. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 20:05, March 6, 2010 (UTC)

Nosubtle

Hello, Reverend....

• I have left an UnSubtle note on the Goldstein page that anyone is free to nominate me for an unnecessary second consecutive award.

Still, you're nommed, so suck it up. Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 11:49, March 8, 2010 (UTC)

• I edited the UnNews main page because it ticked me off that the two light blue boxes at the top didn't line up. This was because they specified a padding of 0.5em and 1em, which depended on the font and point size in use at the time. I did not make this change throughout the Main Page, less still in the templates that the Main Page incorporates, and the result might not be what you want. Moreover, the two blue boxes still don't line up, because the left one is inside an invisible box with nothing but a rectangle of width 1. Now zero.

Nice. Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 11:49, March 8, 2010 (UTC)

UnNews style

• I would like to hack up HowTo:Tune up an UnNews article in a number of ways. I will be careful, but the effort risks inserting too much of my opinion (some of which differs from that of many other writers, though in some cases they would write higher-quality stuff if they took a hint), and it risks making it sound as though things that are merely my opinion are official UnNews policy. I'll start in userspace; please offer any suggestions you have. Spıke ¬ 00:20 8-Mar-10

Very cool. I'll read this more closely later, thanks. Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 00:22, March 8, 2010 (UTC)

Just about done; in User:SPIKE/UnNews style. For example, your style rule for boldfacing of institutions and italicizing of quotations had never been documented before. Dedicated to a certain user who has just violated both old and new guidelines with two new articles pulled from a bodily orifice tonight. I shall return to my posture of despair. Spıke ¬ 02:29 8-Mar-10

Marked up today. Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 11:49, March 8, 2010 (UTC)

In detail! Thank you for the extensive remarks, which I'll work into the text.

Some of your praise (for the tenets of journalism, for the example of a bad made-up news title), and some of your criticism (for the restrictions against racism/sexism/bias/inside jokes/memes) come from the original version. You've noted that the UnNews Founding Fathers had a concept similar to mine, but maybe you didn't know that they mandated it in writing.

Yes the founders did seem to share your ideas about this, for the most part. However, we are the current Cabal (which does not exist) running UnNews; many if not all of the original UnNews types are have been scarce for some time now. When I came aboard, UnNews was pretty much shit, barely maintained. I became Editor-in-chief by default (not officially, but I love to call myself that. I guess it worked out that way because I put the most time and effort into it then); with some consultation, help, and suggestions from other users, things became as they are. Now, with your help, it's getting much better. I will stick to my guns about non- and barely- reality-based articles. Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 18:24, March 8, 2010 (UTC)

I'll change my version to reflect UnNews reality, but we may have a disagreement. If you buy that an article submitted for the sole purpose of ridiculing Nancy Pelosi would be inappropriate, then why not also an UnNews editorial "written in the voice of Nancy Pelosi" for the overt purpose of ridiculing her?

To clarify, there's a difference between me writing an article pushing my agenda, and me the bogus reporter, fictitiously pushing his an agenda. I've gone so far as to paste parts of Conservapedia articles into UnNews, and "agreed" with the silly stuff they believe as my subject matter. Those guys are hilarious. Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 18:24, March 8, 2010 (UTC)

I have a problem with UnNews editorials in the first place; I think alternate points-of-view should be avoided unless essential to a very good gag, more so than Uncyclopedia at large, for the same reason that we have a tighter style guide in UnNews. Spıke ¬ 12:49 8-Mar-10

The point-counterpoint presentations of UnEditorials haven't been so good in general. I think that's because it's more difficult to do decently. As for others, UnEditorials are pretty unrestricted compared to UnNews articles. Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 18:24, March 8, 2010 (UTC)

I'm almost done with this. Your comments have led to several new sections: (1) An initial note on "Ignorable policy" describing what the page is and isn't; (2) A new section on UnNews editorials, noting what typography to use to flag them as such; (3) A new section on Quality Control, gathering together material on spell-checking and red-links and stating the rule not to do development in mainspace.

This is excellent. Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 18:24, March 8, 2010 (UTC)

On two comments I haven't incorporated, the problem is that I don't agree. I don't think we want an anti-Semitic rant, even from an alternate-point-of-view, nor a rant on Obama, even if supposedly written by Glenn Beck. I had a problem with one of yours (on Stupak) and said so as a comment on VFH. The key problem with this stuff is that it's too hard to tell from the real thing--There are people out there who rant and mean it. Likewise on memes and inside jokes, I disagree. Naming Uncyclopedia users is obsequy and is not generally funny.

The Stupak article was inspired by the Daily Show, actually. They gave him a similar trouncing. As for being hard to distinguish from real news, that's not necessarily bad. In fact, many times, it's a complement to the writer. Memes and inside jokes, I think, should be very rare, but there have been some examples of this being funny (I can't recall them just now, but I remember they exist... I swear!). Naming Uncyclopedia users should be rarer than the use of memes. Most times I've seen it used, it's something like this: "Some editors are miserable douche bags..."

I have a fallback position, too: You may insist that these things can make for valid UnNews articles, and yet agree with me that we ought not clear the way for them in an article that serves as a guide to new authors. Spıke ¬ 15:49 8-Mar-10

I don't quite understand this part. What to you mean by "we ought not clear the way for them" Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 18:24, March 8, 2010 (UTC)

You, sir, rock. I'll digest this latest outpouring of sediment as time permits. Thanks for your hard work, dude. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 16:03, March 8, 2010 (UTC)

Thanks for this. It's making me think about and reevaluate UnNews and what I think it is. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 18:24, March 8, 2010 (UTC)

That "we ought not clear the way for them"

I meant that, where my Style draft said Thou ought not rant, and you can think of a few good UnNews rants you have seen (or written) (and one you almost instigated me into doing), it might still be a good idea to have the final Style draft say Thou ought not rant, on the basis that a new user reading the Style Guide is likely not to do it very well if he tries.

Gotcha. How about this? Go with your general idea of "Thou (mostly) ought not rant, on the basis that a new user reading the Style Guide is likely not to do it very well if he tries". Also work in a stern warning that inexperienced users should submit their rant-like work to UnNews staff for acceptance or rejection before posting to UnNews, or risk... what? Maybe scolding, a short ban, a long ban for repeat offenders? I'm not sure how to phrase it, but you may come up with something..

Maybe Pee Review could work as another source for editing, but I'm still thinking about that... Pee isn't necessarily UnNews oriented. Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 19:39, March 8, 2010 (UTC)

Mordillo had a satisfactory rebuttal on his issue of red-links (with which you already concurred), that a strong prohibition against red-links might lead new users to go around rooting them out, even in the rare case where they had a valid purpose. Spıke ¬ 19:12 8-Mar-10

I concur with the both of you psychos dudes. Well phrased, Spike. Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 19:39, March 8, 2010 (UTC)

I swear that I didn't embark on this effort as a way to crack the whip on those God-damned, er, I mean on my esteemed UnNews colleagues. I write instruction manuals for a living and this has been a pleasant exercise. Contemplating punishment for violators is way outside the scope, nor did I intend to suggest that you need a different level of discipline in order to run the place.

A formal Pee Review for UnNews is a solution in search of a problem. Formal review stages are at odds with getting even a mediocre story out while it's still (Un) news.

With the final addition of "run it by someone in charge" at your suggestion, I'm done. Your and Mordillo's comments are removed from the article and incorporated into its text. Spıke ¬ 20:41 8-Mar-10

I made one minor change in sources section about the use (hopefully rare) of the {{Original}} template. Reword if too obfuscatory, please. Brilliant work! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 01:10, March 9, 2010 (UTC)

Kept; recoded with {{tl}}; moved to Sections 3.2 and 3.3; one joke added to the end of 3.2. Thanks for the addition; material on {{Original}} was missing from everywhere. You say on its talk page you are acquiring a taste for editing instruction manuals? Have you checked out my technical tips for UnNews Audio anchormen? Spıke ¬ 01:41 9-Mar-10

Well done. I pasted the code into the original document with credit. At my last job, a technical writer and I became friends, and she taught me a bit about technical writing, above the one course I took in college. I think the ability to do it well is admirable, but I don't know if I have the wherewithal, myself. I do appreciate a well-written manual, anyway. I will check out your "technical tips for UnNews Audio anchormen", as time permits. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 01:59, March 9, 2010 (UTC)

Help:How to write an UnNews article

Now, to flog my own creation, Help:How to write an UnNews article--accessible from the UnNews main page by clicking on CONTRIBUTE--needs to be edited. Certainly new users should read what we have just worked on before embarking on the four-step list (step 1 being, create an article name), not as an optional afterthought. I'll do the work if you like. Spıke ¬ 03:13 9-Mar-10

By all means, go at it tooth and claw, or I might ban your ass. Well, not ban, but, something evil... maybe a curse, or... make you smell my socks. Yeah, that's the ticket. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 04:13, March 9, 2010 (UTC)

In this and in the matter of Ear Hair, you are giving me way too much detail, Uncle. And banning someone for not doing work is unconstitutional under the 13th Amendment! (Skinfan13 will argue this one with me.) But here goes. Spıke ¬ 11:26 9-Mar-10

I was talking about my granddaughters ear hair, if that makes a difference. Oh, and are you aware of the thing called a joke ban? Not that I do that myself. I've only actually done it once, with disastrous results. I made the assumption that the person I was teasing was not a miserable, sociopathic cunt. Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 21:51, March 9, 2010 (UTC)

This is now done. Thanks as always for the encouragement. Whew! the previous edition began with a threat of making the powers-that-be angry (not the warmest welcome) and the example title for a new article invited n00bs to write about themselves. I think we have about enough of that. I don't think this edit adds any controversy, but you can review it at your leisure. Spıke ¬ 12:05 9-Mar-10

I'll check this out later. I'm amused, because the work you've been doing is something that's been on my mind for more than a year. Also, you have this annoying habit of making comments which reflect what I wanted to do anyway, and just when I'd sit down to discuss it, I see you've already thought of it. Case in point; I've been thinking about putting something on the Main Page to alert folks to the rewrite of the HowTo. This afternoon, I look here and see you've suggested it, and how to do it too.

This is leading me to a disturbing conclusion; that you, in fact, do not exist. Rather, you must me my sockpuppet. Since I have no memory of doing what you've done, I assume it's unconscious, or perhaps, multiple personality disorder. The most disturbing thing is that you and I appear to be able to log in and type separately yet simultaneously. This leads me to believe that you and I have discovered some fundamental physical law, and could win a Nobel. Or maybe not... Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 21:51, March 9, 2010 (UTC)

Indeed, we have never been seen in the same room together! (You can tell that I listen to Howie Carr.) Spıke ¬ 22:58 9-Mar-10

And finally, I would hump it further by sticking an ad at the top of the UnNews main page for a week or two:

Contributors: The rules haven't changed, but they're now written down in one place. Please review the Style Guide and take from it what you can about writing quality humor that looks like news.

--Spıke ¬ 14:02 9-Mar-10

Will do. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 21:51, March 9, 2010 (UTC)

I'll beat you to it, Sockpuppet, as I gave it a trial run under Preview and know which block to fit it inside. Spıke ¬ 22:58 9-Mar-10

Good work, and you are the sockpuppet. Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 23:10, March 9, 2010 (UTC)

PS--I saw the "Bullet-in," checked your Contributions to see that you were not in the office this morning, and took that news story directly to QVFD. I see you've now taken care of it. The fact that assassination humor is not funny doesn't even need to be in the Style Guide. Spıke ¬ 23:05 9-Mar-10

Ugh, yeah that article was awful regardless of subject matter. Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 23:10, March 9, 2010 (UTC)

Why reply

No, really, Zim, I already had that story dated below as March 10. But I forgot to change the date in time. It was always my intention for it to be 10th news. That's all. Feature or not. The Hobo news is really not feature worthy anyway, subject wise. I'm not concerned about that. But it's a brand new news. So sorry I didn't go in and change the date soon enough. Sorry. BTW, I'm over here in SE Asia at night - so if I put a 10th news on 10th here, it shows as 9th news on UnNews - UNLESS I remember to change the top date. Which I always have except hobo time. It's all in fun. Right?

Right now I'm putting news for March 12th on Old Faithful. When I save it will be 10th even if dated 12th below. So I must edit and change the top date. That's all. I have another article for 12th already in line. While I'm on a roll I might as well keep going. Yeah!? Before I blow my wad! Be sure to let me know about correct format. I tend to follow what I see. And thanks for that. As long as it's fun it's fun. Dude--Funnybony    00:06, Mar 10

I'm glad you're enjoying your time here, as I do. You're right, that's a great reason. Enjoy the food while you're there, dude. Continue having fun. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 00:28, March 10, 2010 (UTC)

Zim, if I can write a news good enough to earn your help... that is mega cool. They are always better after your magic touch.

Here's one for March 12 - tomorrow - I hope you will improve:UnNews:Old Faithful On Strike

PLUS

Another for March 12th, I think its good cause it urges people to become Registered Users: UnNews:Colossal Jelly Fish Sighted off Tahiti

Thanks ever--Funnybony    01:40, Mar 11

I will get to these stories later today, and will publish after, God whom I do not believe in willing. You are kind to show such deference to my inflated self-opinion, I do love it so. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 17:31, March 11, 2010 (UTC)

News notes

• Have added playback time to megabytes in the items in {{RecentUnNewsAudio}}. I have declined to add comments to the file suggesting that others do so.
• Have moved two UnNews stories to shorten their titles and use UnNews capitalization. One was also in {{Second Lead}}. I'll add a note about short headlines to the Style Guide.
• The story on NASCAR's slap on the wrist for the fatal car crash becomes my first Audio of someone else's story, and Uncle J is added to the list of Contributors.
• Have devised a background clip with my sports theme (Pennant Fever) fading into TeleTypes. What we need is an UnNews Sports logo--say, a white potato with red seam-stitchings. Spıke ¬ 14:45 11-Mar-10

Cool. I will consider and comment on your points later. Thanks. Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 17:33, March 11, 2010 (UTC)

• Also, have just found the place where UnNews Audio titles were being forced to all-initial-caps (it was in {{UnAudio}} and have turned that off. Spıke ¬ 18:12 11-Mar-10

Extreme! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 18:19, March 11, 2010 (UTC)

• And finally--I saw that you had replaced a single dash to a double dash after the place name in an UnNews story. The Style Guide gives authors four options; but if you are going to take the other three and change them to double-dash, I've changed the Style Guide to simply ask authors to do it that way from the start. Spıke ¬ 18:42 11-Mar-10

Actually, the mdash thing causes the podcast xml file to explode unless I change it every time explicitly, so I discourage its use. The double dash is mostly a matter of convention; that's pretty much how I founcd things once I "took over". Things are starting to look a bit spiffy around here, non? Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 19:43, March 11, 2010 (UTC)

UnNews:Eminem Edges Out 50 Cent As Forbes Richest

Hi Zim, I don't know who's da man 'round the UnNews office, but I did a news on Forbes List that's post dated for the 13th - and I don't want to get beat to the punch. I'm trying to cut back to one news story per day - to maintain my dwindling youth - So I hope 13th is not too late. I have posted news for 14th also (UnNews:Colossal Jelly Fish Sighted off Tahiti - March 14 (future) UnNews) - hope the format is correctly done. Thanks--Funnybony    18:03, Mar 11

I've moved both of your tentative stories to your user space. That's where we like to keep our work in progress, in most all cases. Unless there's a pressing reason for a story to be published on a particular future date, I will hold them in reserve and meet them out as stories are needed. This will be a great help because we do have slow days where it would be great to be able to plug in a new article without all the time needed to create it. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 18:18, March 11, 2010 (UTC)

Cool Zim, they were linked from {{RecentUnNews}} so I removed them as they were showing red links on the main page. Maybe it's a good suggestion to check the what links here when moving pages. I normally try to remember to do so. Though I often forget. Did anyone see my slippers? Dorothy? Who stole the fish fingers? In addition, it's time for my medication. MrN 18:44, Mar 11

Ok, guys, cool! Understood! How about the Yellow Stone Old Faithful story? That's for 12th and it's 12th March on my trustworthy (bastard) PC, here in Bangkok. The only reason I put anything on {{RecentUnNews}} is cause my Mentor MrN - told me to. And I fugured, it's a clean job, but somebodies gotta do it, unless someone is already in charge of {{RecentUnNews}}. It's all cool with me.--Funnybony    18:56, Mar 11

It think (maybe) that one of the things which Zim is saying is... No dating articles into the future? If you have something which you have done, but don't want to put it up yet, keep it in userspace until closer to the day? Certainly, changing the date of an article once it's created is kinda a really big no-no. You got to pick your spot, and stick to it. Whatever the time is where you are don't really matter. It's Uncyc time which matters also. If it's not ready to go... Keep it in userspace... MrN 19:27, Mar 11

What MrN9000 said about what I said. The Eminem story will stay as is, to save creating another record in the database, and since it's almost the 12th anyway. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 19:58, March 11, 2010 (UTC)

Please

Could you make use of your mystical powers and sort this guy and this guy for me? Thanking you muchly --ChiefjusticeGameBoy 21:43, March 11, 2010 (UTC)

Checking into it. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 21:46, March 11, 2010 (UTC)

Thanks very much. --ChiefjusticeGameBoy 21:48, March 11, 2010 (UTC)

This guy appears to be some asswipe from New Zealand, possibly a student, you rightfully banned him. Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 21:57, March 11, 2010 (UTC)

I don't know what's up with this guy; do you have a specific question, or something to report about them? Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 21:57, March 11, 2010 (UTC)

Did I help? Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 21:57, March 11, 2010 (UTC)

They have both been vandalising pages and the first has been cyberbullying, I was hoping you might clobber them with the banstick. Mostly as they are quite intent on continuing said vandalism. I would dearly love to ban them myself, but I am not an admin, you are and thus possess the mystical power necessary. --ChiefjusticeGameBoy 22:02, March 11, 2010 (UTC)

Mordillo banned them both. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 00:16, March 12, 2010 (UTC)

Old Faithful quits

Zim, you're right. It took a major rewrite to fix User:Funnybony/Old Faithful On Strike, and I hope it's OK now. I think the headline should be "Old Faithful quits". BTW: Now I know how you want the headlines. I went back and corrected a bunch of the recent ones. What should I do with this now? It's your call? Cheers!--Funnybony    22:45, Mar 11

Doesn't read like news, and it's not inspired by news, not that I can tell. I liked the Eminem one better--it's topical (though written in a style more apt for Better Homes and Gardens) and you even worked the name of Slim into it. I saw the Forbes list and imagined Buffett challenging Slim Helu to a duel, but got no further than adding it to MiniTrue in case someone else wanted to do the heavy lifting. Pleased to see you intend to optimize for quality over quantity. Spıke ¬ 12:58 12-Mar-10

Hi Zim, wow, I did a lot of work on this article User talk:Funnybony/Old Faithful On Strike, and I think it's just as good now as any others, if not better. I don't know how to change the TITLE, but I would prefer the title: Old Faithful quits. I dated it March 13, 2010 at the bottom, so it would be good to publish it tomorrow. Never mind feature. If it gets published some people will get a laugh, cause I did. Could you please publish this on the 13th, or tell me what to do? Thanks! Also, a blimp-sized hint well taken, so I'll cut way back. Too bad though. I told my 13 year old son that UnNews wants me to stop. He said, "but how can you stop ideas?" So I told him an ancient Sanskrit verse, which translated says, "Alas! The creator forgot to impart perfume to gold; fruit to the sugarcane; flowers to the sandalwood tree; wealth to the learned; long life to the king; and non-envy in a listener?" --- Chanakya Niti Shastra. But we can't complain about "human nature" and it's impossible to please everyone. Cheers!--Funnybony    13:10, Mar 12

I'm not Zim! (Though he is now claiming I am a sockpuppet--so maybe I am.) To change the name of the article, click on move. To merely display an alternate heading at the top of the article, use {{Title}}. Spıke ¬ 13:29 12-Mar-10

PS--UnNews, for which I am not a spokesman, absolutely is not asking you either to stop contributing or to stop having ideas! I personally did start to wonder what the purpose was of three-a-days on random topics. Spıke ¬ 15:16 12-Mar-10

Hi Spike. Sorry for the mix-up. I was communicating to Zim. Am I claiming some thing about you? The honest thing I have to claim about you is 1) You're a very good writer, and 2) You're very helpful to others, including me. Now we're talking, thanks for the tip on renaming the news story. I did that. Now what should I do to move it back into the news line-up? I could always copy/paste as new news, "Old Faithful quits" (new name), but I fear that might be a no no. Or should I just wait for Zim to do it? If there is something I could do to help Zim lessen his work-load, please tell me..? Much appreciated.

As for the writing flood, it was, like, I just hit the beach, caught a bunch of waves in a row, then started getting tired and ready to paddle in for a rest. But I shouldn't quit surfing. Zim is the "Life Guard".

If anyone calls you a sock puppet don't worry, cause some claim I'm MrN's sock puppet - which is BS, because really I'm the sock puppet of his sock puppet's uncle's older brother's sock puppet. Cheers!--Funnybony    15:51, Mar 12

Hi, Funnybony, actual zim here, not zim's sock aka Spike. Spike disagrees, but that's another story. First let me say that I certainly do not want you to slow down, and neither does UnNews and Uncyclopedia as whole. I don't know how I gave you that impression, but it was definitely not my aim.

With regard to the two articles I didn't care for as much as some of your other work, they're not very news-like, and the logic holding them together is flimsy. That's just criticism, not a snub of any sort. I only bother to critique writers in whom I have some interest and are not douches; by this logic, I have proven you are not a douche. You may quote me on that.

You've proven your enthusiasm, and pleased the UnNews gods. So, please, please please stay and flourish. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 16:51, March 12, 2010 (UTC)

P.S. -- I put your article in the "lineup" for the 13th. I counter your Sanskrit expression with something from the Buddhists.

“Do not blaze the hyena that is your neighbor, or he may come back with a chain saw.”

~ Mahayogurt on Pali Canon

Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 16:51, March 12, 2010 (UTC)

"Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Old Faithful returns to life! Apocalypse averted! Park Reopens with new attraction, BULGE. Again see Oldie blow his load. Plus watch the bulge-hump grow right before your eyes! Only one thin dime! One 10th of a dollar! Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Zim saves Earth!" - Dude! As much as I like your scientific conclusion, by which I have been vindicated, I laughed even harder at the Buddhist quote. I think, just like hand guns, they should invent a "concealed chain-saw" - make it illegal - and then sell a shit-load on the black market. Awesome!--Funnybony    10:18, Mar 13

• Chain saw? My neighbor is crushing vehicle bodies right now with a bulldozer. Hope that doesn't show up in the background of Media:UnNews--New species discovered in Mexico.mp3.
• Funnybony, don't know what you mean by, "Am I claiming something about you." This was my first dialogue with you on the subject, and when I said "I am not a spokesman," it was so that you not read too much into my words--which you may have done anyway--not that I thought you had made any statement about me.
• I was pleased to find that, after moving an article and clicking Refresh, UnNews knew not to display both the real article and the old redirect.

“What-evvah!”

~ Unitarian-Universalist prayer book

Signed, Spıke ¬ 17:07 12-Mar-10

Spike, don't you understand? I read so much in your words for 3 reasons, 1) Your words are deep (as in bottomless), 2) I'm blinded by my love for you, and 3) I can't read!.

But, in spite of my short cummings comings, I have placed proof of my primary qualification at the top of my UserPage, as thus...

“I have proven you are not a douche!”

~ Dr. Rev. Zim_ulator confirms scientific conclusion to Funnybony

BTW: I'm your friend and real well-wisher. See! Cheers--Funnybony    10:02, Mar 13

I hadn't realized I'm a doctor. That is so cool! Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 11:39, March 13, 2010 (UTC)

redlink recent unnews

What happened? Nominally Humane! some time Thursday, 23:21, Mar 11 2010 UTC

What happened to what? Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 00:07, March 12, 2010 (UTC)

Oh... I thought I saw a huge mess of redlinks on the main page. I must have been hallucinating. Where are my meds? Nominally Humane! some time Friday, 01:13, Mar 12 2010 UTC

Hm. Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 01:46, March 12, 2010 (UTC)

Oh! Zim fixed some UnNews titles, which caused red links on main-page news. Which I promptly updated. It WAS not an illusion - you're gear is fine. No worries!!!--Funnybony    10:18, Mar 12

Right, that was me. Ugh! I console myself in that competency is the refuge of weak Uncyclopedians. Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 10:47, March 12, 2010 (UTC)

UnSignpost 11th March 2010

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

83.54% more reliable than The Daily Mail

Mar 11th, 2010 • Issue 79 • Making the New York Times look shabby since 2008

Investigative journalist looks in to the cabal; Shocking discovery By PuppyOnTheRadio For years a dreadful mystery has hung over Uncyclopedia. Rumours of a cabal have dogged Uncyclopedia, suggesting that there is a shadowy, mysterious group behind administrative decisions that have guided the hands of Uncyclopedia policy and procedure since the time of it's inception. Many veiled references have been made to this cabal, however until now there has been no real investigative attempts to uncover the shocking truth about the cabal. However, despite this, one plucky rookie journalist has decided that the truth must be free, and an investigation into the cabal has been undertaken. Investigating this it appears that the rumours relating to a cabal have come from numerous sources. In investigating this there were a number of dead ends, including pages that appear to have been deleted with no history. One source has come forward to expose the truth about the cabal. Under threat of repercussion, this source has been asked to be known simply as Deep Throat. Upon interviewing this source the following shocking truth has been discovered! There is no cabal. Any rumours about a supposed cabal are completely untrue. Any suggested sources are in fact fictional and have no veracity behind them. There is no shadowy, mysterious force guiding Uncyclopedia. As I, as a respected journalist, have now been made well aware of the non-existence of this cabal, I am now comfortable to retire my journalistic career. I will shortly be taking a long trip to a very remote location where there is no phone or internet access and will choose to never write again. I may even go to Antarctica. But most importantly, there is not now, nor never has been, a cabal. A useful HowTo? does not compute! By UU Writing UnNews just got a whole lot easier, after UnNews kingpin Zim ulator, Zionist control freak Mordillo and sucker for punishment workhorse SPIKE got together to completely rewrite HowTo:Tune up an UnNews article. Featuring novel ideas (that they got from a novel) such as helpful advice, up-to-date references, and words in the right order, the article is so preposterously useful that it may have to be deleted, as it clearly contravenes Uncyclopedia's mission statement. If there were a Cabal (which, as the above article clearly establishes beyond doubt, there isn't), it would encourage you to read it and never write a bad UnNews again.

Check out these pages! Pruning dead wood MrN's power trip continues, and something about a usergroup Has someone taken the piss? From our logs: 00:09, 10 March 2010 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 75.47.145.114 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (I shit on you, you emotionally unstable little twat. Why would you even come here?) 18:33, 9 March 2010 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked 69.150.243.254 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (So... Because you hate the CIA you vandalise the article about them on Uncyclopedia? Good thinking batman. That will stop em! Try again.... Later (obviously)) 09:19, 9 March 2010 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 202.189.75.214 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (you are right: Twilight does suck. however, so does page blanking, which means you yourself are full of as much fail as Twilight. consider that, and then weep.) 22:08, 8 March 2010 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 168.99.135.251 (Talk) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (obviously we're not getting through here. Go away and grow a cactus, then sit on it. Repeate step 2 several times. ) Biopic of the Week If this issue of the UnSignpost has reached your talk page, it's very likely to be thanks to the unstinting efforts of paperbot MrN9001. He's been schlepping around this wiki for over a year now, delivering this very slab of journalistic goodness, replacing templates, reverting stuff, making tiny but doubtless vital changes to pages, and generally taking care of all the stuff MrN himself is just too bone idle to do. What the hell would we do without him? Admin answer of the Week Shijiati: Why did you huff my page? Codeine: Because it sucked. Any questions, folks? Horoscope of the Week *Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - You have many great strengths, but taken too far they can become liabilities. For instance, your honesty can become rudeness, your bravery can become foolhardiness, and your taste for human flesh can become criminal cannibalism. For the rest of this week's 'scopes, see here.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

9001(bot)  11:11, Mar 12

Private UnNews that is NOT fit for UnNews (hardly even fit for this talk page)

Indologist Discovers Ancient Uncyclopedia

JAIPUR, India – Indologist and Uncyclopedia Beach Local, Dr. Funnybony, made an amazing discovery. According to Sanskrit evidence he has uncovered from such ancient scriptures as the Puranas (ancient scriptures), Uncyclopedia existed thousands of years ago.

UnNews spoke with Prof. Funnybony about his being a douche bag discovery, and questioned how such a thing was possible long before the material creation?

“What? BEFORE the material creation!?” Funnybony told UnNews. “Listen, for your information the creation only took one single BANG to get going, and that was billions of light years ago! But this information is recent by comparison, although well before electricity. It also predates the birth of both Bill Gates and Steve Jobs, what to speak of computers, which are predated only by software.

“Anyway THIS creation is only a Sock Puppet of THAT creation, so it hardly matters what creation it is.” Funnybony continued. “Lets just call this time in space the BA (Bauer Era}. So this ancient referral to Uncyclopedia that’s mentioned in the Puranas falls within the Bauer Era of time and space.”

Prof. Funnybony then showed his translation of the old Sanskrit verse in question to UnNews, and, no kidding, it proved beyond any doubt that Uncyclopedia in deed existed long before Uncyclopedia.

The verse from the Purana 7.15.45 is translated thus:

“As long as one has to accept an Uncyclopedia Username, with its different farts and penalties, which are not fully under one's control, one must have the blessings of his superiors, namely his Adopt-a-nOOb guru, and his predecessors. By their mercy, one can sharpen the sword of wit, and under the guidance of Uncyclopedia one must then conquer the enemies mentioned in HTBFANJS. In this way, the Local should be able to merge into the collective sense of humor, and then he may give up his false Ego and finally achieve an FA (a “Fuckin’ Aye” grade).”

“Vinegar and water, stirred NOT shaken!”

~ Funnybony orders a drink to celebrate his discovery

--Funnybony    12:59, Mar 13 12:59, March 13, 2010 (UTC)

Jesus, that is most unfit to print! I love it! Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 13:05, March 13, 2010 (UTC)

I swear I had not yet read this when I rewrote the first paragraph of the Yellowstone story, with the change summary: (Par.1: NO FIRST PERSON! UnNews ought not write about UnNews! Funnybony ought not write
about Funnybony! Please fix final paragraph). The above is 1% funny and 99% ATTENTION WHORING. Stories like this make readers go away and never return. Spıke ¬ 13:52 13-Mar-10

Don't fear, Spike, this one stays here, like what goes on in Las Vegas. Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 15:15, March 13, 2010 (UTC)

Oops! am now reading two sections up and see it in context. The both of youse, imagine I had chosen softer words. (But Funnybony, do take yourself out of the last paragraph of the Yellowstone story anyway.) What do you mean, I thought he might actually post this on UnNews? I trust him...! Spıke ¬ 17:14 13-Mar-10

Hi Spike, no, the above UnNews on Dr. Funnybony is meant to be UnUnNews. Just a joke for Zim's kindness. No plan to post it as REAL news (in spite of it being false). And, even though I have seen many news stories where the news person refers to themselves, "And this is Dick Head Kronkite, reporting live from wherever we are!" - Anyway, just to make you happy Old Faithful has been fixed. Anyway, you're free to edit any of my writings without even asking. No worries, mate!--Funnybony    19:09, Mar 13

For a reporter to be named in the by-line is one thing--for him to write about himself is another. It was partly because Cronkite was viewed as so impartial that, we see in retrospect, he was able to get so much of himself into his dispatches--for example, being able to induce the US to pull out of the Vietnam War, or at least to have Nixon think he could.

Your fix to Yellowstone exactly satisfies my concerns. Of course, I already satisfied my own concerns in your first paragraph--producing a tighter lead, too. However, I don't feel totally free to edit you; the previous time I tried--deleting a paragraph with Obama speaking Clinton's words--you called me an Obama supporter. The idea! you're just lucky I was not carrying a case with two revolvers in it.

A minor point: One doesn't read many stories with exclamation points. You have had a series of vivid daydreams (mostly involving yourself). The UnNews format lets you present them self-contained, without the need to flesh them out as articles--but daydreams are not news nor UnNews, nor of sufficient general interest to become UnNews, until they undergo refinement. Please distinguish that request with your son's take, that anyone wants you to stop daydreaming! Spıke ¬ 19:41 13-Mar-10

About UnNews

Zim, this veteran of only seven months (two months in UnNews) has now just stumbled onto UnNews:About. It tries to do some of the same things as the Style Guide. Would you care to convert this to a Letter from the Publisher--no, that's too pompous, let's say From the Chief like ink-stained wretch Perry White. It would be good to retain the welcome to new users, and for you to advise them of your personal limits and attitude regarding the use of UnNews, while referring to the Style Guide for details on the mechanics of editing UnNews and choosing an article. Spıke ¬ 19:41 13-Mar-10

This sounds like a good idea. Enjoy masticating this thing, if you feel like it. I see you got written up in The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost... congrats, dude! I like it when other people notice users that I've noticed. This perpetuates the delusion that because at least a few people agree with me, I am right. I'm always right. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 01:54, March 14, 2010 (UTC)

This is now done, except for adding a photo of Perry White (alongside Superman, if possible). You might want to review it, as I have conveniently signed your name to it. (Also completed the bothersome job of completing next month's UnNews payroll, also under your signature, if you don't mind.) My next obsession may be sprucing up the masthead. The articles on Cthlhlullu and the others are interesting pieces of performance art, but I can't imagine what they're doing there. Is this you humping your own creations, as though you were Funnybony? or were they left there by your predecessor, the founder of UnNews whose name we no longer recall? Spıke ¬ 16:07 14-Mar-10

Really, Zim

I swear on a stack of Uncyclopedias that it was NOT my intention to turn a private dumb joke into a real News Article. But I was reading a real Sanskrit book yeasterday which gave the idea. I then throught, wow! So I translated 31 verses of the Ancient Uncyclopedia book (which has title in Sanskrit "Uncyclopedia" and I made a good article. So I then thought well, it COULD be news if it was written formatted to keep Zim and Spike happy. Plus expose people to an "Ancient Uncyclopedia Guide Book". So trash the news, or edit it and use it as you like. But I'm telling you the truth. Dude! It's just an idea that blossomed! Really!!! Cheers!

It will surprise you to learn that this latest piece of flagrant self-promotion from Funnybony actually does read like news, except for the (former) final sentence, which begged the reader to click to view the full-length article. Many links to it remain, including in Sources. I equally shamelessly added a link to the mentioned modern Style Guide. I also rewrote the lead to tighten it up. Illustration is cute; I recommend it for the feature rotation. PS--A recent article on the Oregon Ducks, written by I.P.Anon, is total crap; it celebrates cussing and dissing rather than "news"-writing. Spıke ¬ 14:03 14-Mar-10

The right to self-promotion at Uncyclopedia is a privilege earned. The key to successful shameless behavior is in not overdoing it. I think this article is hysterical, myself. Cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 23:24, March 14, 2010 (UTC)

I have been playing with the UnNews masthead. I went to a two-column format, but Mordillo complained that it was no longer taking up the full width of the left-hand column. It was pure chance that it had in the past, and it needed a "width: 100%" order added to it. Meanwhile, I took off the two-column format. Separately, he asked me to put back the three links to Cthuhuhlht etc. on the grounds that they "belong to UnNews." Perhaps, but do they belong at the introduction? Spıke ¬ 23:38 14-Mar-10

Pending (and new) queries

Chief, Funnybony, Mordillo, whoever--

• Any comments on the new UnNews:About, styled A warm welcome from the Chief, i.e., you?

I hadn't quite gotten around to commenting on the improvements here. I intend to read it through a fourth time with a fine-toothed comb to see if there is anything to add, but as of now, the only question I have is about how the Chief is me. As much as I love to be feared and admired, I was thinking maybe the document could be cosigned by an UnNews Cabal (which does not exist, of course) in the form of key founders and we who do most of the nuts and bolts stuff.

Needless to say, Mordillo, Spike and I would be included. I'll think more about who else. I will, of course, retain the title of Chief for my own amusement and self-gratification. Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 16:31, March 15, 2010 (UTC)

• Now that the width issue on the masthead is solved, any preference on the current versus two-column format for the links? Mordillo says he prefers the present layout.

It looks much better, nice work. I don't really have a preference, but then, I haven't heard much in the way of arguments either way. I'd like to hear some whys. Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 16:31, March 15, 2010 (UTC)

• Is there a reason for Ctlhtlthtu etc. to be on the masthead rather than down lower on the front page?

Tradition, perhaps? Arguments for or against? Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 16:31, March 15, 2010 (UTC)

• (New) Any problem with replacing Foolitzer and Goldstein on the masthead with UnNews Awards--linked to UnNews:About#The best that could happen?

Again, tradition may be a reason to keep it as is. I'd like to hear arguments. Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 16:31, March 15, 2010 (UTC)

• (New) Any problem with taking the Style Guide out of the HowTo: space and moving it to UnNews:Style?

I'd like to see us follow a similar style to Uncyclopedia in general. Does mainspace have this scheme? If so, I say, go with it.

• (New) Although we can probably continue to meet here to discuss articles, non-articles, plans, and proposals, there is a pan-UnNews talk page, UnNews:Newsroom, for these topics. (I was about to propose it, but previewed this message and the red-link wasn't red.) It contains forgotten ideas from old: (1) The fact that people shouldn't sign their UnNewses (I'll add this to the Style Guide) and (2) a proposal for Letters to the Editor (I like it, provided authors use it for parodies and not as a talk page).

Yeah, we should probably convene in a more common area. You name it, Spike, and we'll be there... in spirit, at least. Maybe we can collect our discussions here and elsewhere putting everything into a common source.

As for items 1 and 2 above; (1) Good, that items does come up and should be addressed in the style guide. (2) I agree, letters to the editor could be another hilarious way to push our nefarious agenda. Definitely not as a talk page. Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 16:31, March 15, 2010 (UTC)

Your ink-stained wretch, Spıke ¬ 14:02 15-Mar-10

---

In the same order:

• I should add something to From the Chief stressing the nonexistence of any Cabal. Though you are happy to remain the Chief, are you saying that the final line of the article should no longer link to your user page?
• You might not even have seen the two-column format, as it quickly made the front page blow up for Mordillo (not for me, but only because of my custom fonts and local style rules). I might experiment with it again in the future, once discussion about its proper component items is settled; if unacceptable, it wouldn't have as horrible an effect as before and would be easy to undo.
• Regarding Cthtlthtlu etc., I am necessarily weak on UnNews tradition, but I've read all three, and they strike me as odd little articles but hardly central to UnNews. They purport to deliver help (maybe even live, personal help) to the new user, and don't. (Hahahahahaha.) So I'd argue to move them down by UnFunnies.
• Foolitzer/Goldstein: The new user might want to know that we give out awards. He doesn't need to know, right away, that there are two and what their names are. In the masthead, therefore, I'd link to their overview in From the Chief--from which the actual awards pages are one additional link away.
• The "Style Guide" for Uncyclopedia is, of course, UN:HTBFANJS. It is not in HowTo: but neither is it in mainspace. I stand by my recommendation of moving our advice into the UnNews: space. Mordillo might be able to give a rationale with some history in it.
• I did name the venue: UnNews:Newsroom; it seems to be organized for just such a purpose. Spıke ¬ 17:39 15-Mar-10

Two-column format

I just started to play around with two-column format again and I don't want to implement it. On screens that have a lot more room than mine, it would create a lot more blank space than our current run-on list of links; on windows created with less than a full screen, requiring two columns might make very weird things happen. So I withdraw that question. Spıke ¬ 19:49 15-Mar-10

Fair enough; I'll get to the above issues soon. cheers! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 19:56, March 15, 2010 (UTC)

In the same order:

• Now that I've thought about it, let's leave that as is for now. Ths note on the cabal is cute. We don't need it, but it's fun.
• No, I never saw it. Did Mordillo explode?
• Lets put Cthulhu etc. up for discussion on our shiny, new and improved newsroom, shall we? I'm leaning towards Spikes view.
• Same with Foolitzer/Goldstein. I'm leaning towards Spikes view.
• Same with the "Style Guide". I'm leaning towards Spikes view.
• Yes, I was unclear, even to myself. UnNews:Newsroom it is. I'm going there now to have a look around the place, and get started. Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 03:13, March 16, 2010 (UTC)