Ancient Uncyclopedia
| “ | Some Internet surfers are attached to content, some are concerned with facts, and still others study references, whereas some cultivate misinformation and they are Uncyclopedians | ” |
Ancient Uncyclopedia (अनसाइक्लोपीडिया पुराण) was originally uncovered by Prof. J. Huang, who made the historic discovery during excavations at an antique book stall located discreetly within the labyrinthine slums of Hastinapur. Although the entire work consists of numerous slokas, only 12 verses were readable. This was not because the other verses were unclear, but because the Professor is a scholar of Mandarin, not Sanskrit, and can't be buggered to learn Devanagari. Nevertheless, Prof. Huang’s fanciful translation of these old verses proves beyond any doubt that Uncyclopedia and Uncyclopedians existed long before Uncyclopedia and Uncyclopedians.
The Verses[edit | edit source]
Below are all the verses translated by Prof. Huang:
Uncyclopedia Purana, Canto 7, Verses 0-11[edit | edit source]
UP 7.0: Chronarion said, "My dear Noob, in the future will arise a platform to be known as Internet and it will exist in Cyberspace. Denizens of this Cyberspace will be called Surfers. Some Internet surfers are attached to content, some are concerned with facts, and still others study references, whereas some cultivate "misinformation" and they are Uncyclopedians."
UP 7.1: "I will now describe to you how our ancient science of deadpan mirth should best be used by these Uncyclopedians in the future. Please listen attentively for my words will be of great value millions of years from now. Always bear in mind that a featured article, which is quite transitory in nature, is the ultimate goal of an Uncyclopedian's life."
UP 7.2: "A person desiring hilarity should offer revertible edits to an Uncyclopedian who strictly adheres to HTBFANJS. And during the period designated for offering misinformation to the masses one should consult at least one Admin. Because even one Admin is very opulent a Noob should not make excuses on such occasion."
UP 7.3: "Frugality is under-rated. If one arranges too many nominations at one time, during the voting process there may be discrepancies in the time, place, the article to be voted for, the article to be voted against, the reason for abstention, and the unbearable urge to leave a wise-ass comment."
UP 7.4: "A person fully aware of humor should never parody anything without being familiar with How to be funny and not just stupid, otherwise it is displeasing to the Admins and other Uncyclopedians, who are distressed when bunk gets written in the name of humor."
UP 7.5: "Upon seeing a kook (unregistered user) engaged in writing a bad article, Uncyclopedians meant to read it are extremely irate, thinking, This moron, being ignorant of the purpose of parody, and being most satisfied by boring others, will surely bore us with BS!"
UP 7.6: "There are three types of BS which all appropriately lead to possible deletion: 1) Pretentious BS, 2) Navelistic BS and 3) Memeological BS - One who is aware of the secrets of satire must abandon these three as NOT particularly funny."
UP 7.7: "A pretentious humor system manufactured by one who willfully neglects deadpan mirth is called boring. Yet even when one sticks to deadpan style as advised by me, if it is devoid of innate humor it will not be sufficient to elicit giggles."
UP 7.8: "One who is easily satisfied and who links his activities to the cosmic punch line residing in everyone's funny bone enjoys good parody. Where is such happiness for an unregistered kook who impelled by ego wanders in all directions with a desire to have even one lousy article main-spaced?"
UP 7.9: "My dear n00b, a simple person can be happy with an UnNews feature. However, one who is driven by a desire for the Hall of Shame may have to accept the position of a household dog to satisfy their appetite."
UP 7.10: "By getting a Pee Review one can conquer delusion, by serving an Uncyclopedian one can become mindless, by keeping quiet one can avoid obstacles on the path of silence, but simply by quitting Uncyclopedia one can conquer fuck-all."
Conclusion[edit | edit source]
UP 7.11: "As long as one has to accept an Uncyclopedia Username, with its different perks and penalties, which are not fully under one's control, one must conquer the pitfalls mentioned in the chapter on How to be stupid and not just funny. In this way the comedian should merge into the cosmic sense of humor, and giving up false ego they can finally achieve a Featured Article."