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Mathematics (from Greek άθημα máthēma, “knowledge, study, learning”) is the systematic torture of students disguised as the study of quantity, structure, space, and change. Mathematicians seek out patterns and formulate new conjectures, trying to make sense of the universe by examining these abstract concepts, determining common traits, and then experimenting to see if this advanced knowledge will help them get women into bed. These conjectures are often faulty, and this subsequent failure is referred to as mathematical proof.

Galileo Galilei (1564–1642) said, "The universe cannot be read until we have learned the language and become familiar with the characters in which it is written. It is written in mathematical language... Without these, one is wandering about in a dark labyrinth". He was also condemned by the church for heresy, and the only surviving body part of his is his middle finger on his right hand. This is currently kept at the Museo Galileo in Florence, Italy, allowing him to give the finger to the Catholic Church from beyond the grave. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that the Angel of Death is after you? (Pictured)

... that the only way to survive a massive nuclear blast is to crouch underneath your desk?
... that the song "Harder Better Faster Stronger" by Daft Punk is a giant "That's what she said" joke?
... taht wrods and snetnces are raedalbe eevn wehn tehy are toatlly fckued up?
... that I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It was written by a computer?
... that I'd rather be a hammer than a nail?
... that the road to hell is identical to the stairs to heaven, but with elevator music and traffic?
... that the great Wall Street Crash of 1929 led to many opportunities for great photography of homeless people and farmers covered in dust the following years?

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In the news [edit]

"...at least panda meat doesn't give you autism!" ‑RFK Jr.

Kid (and ball) escape narrow car crash
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. engulfs every panda bear in existence (Pictured)
Kardashian and Ye do washed up things
We have road copters
Mummy Pig's pregnancy sparks paternity drama
Heinz Doofenshmirtz finally takes full control over the Tri-State Area
UnNews remembers Michelle Trachtenberg
Cinema ceiling makes dramatic entrance during Captain America screening
UnSports update for February!
- USA and Canada take their trade war to the ice hockey rink. Literally.
- Philadelphia Eagles ruin Super Bowl "3-peat" dreams for Kansas City Chiefs, Taylor Swift
- And more!

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI • Eurovision Song Contest • Russian Invasion • Israel‑Hamas conflict • ICE rounding up illegal immigrants • Taylor Swift's very unlucky, no good year • DOGE firings and budget cuts • Release of all the JFK and Epstein Files, purportedly • March Madness • Tornadoes shredding the American South • Post-apocalyptic streaming movies starring Stranger Things actors • Disney fans re-watching the original Snow White to forget the remake

Recent deaths: Michelle Trachtenberg • Gene Hackman, wife and dog, too • Skype • Kingda Ka • David Johansen, The New York Dolls, and Buster Poindexter • UnSpoiler and BeGone extensions • Space Ghost • Tesla's stock • Bob Rivers • Meghan Markle's Netflix show • The Electric State • Kurt from Good Burger • George Foreman • 23andMe • Snow Broke and the 9-figure loss for Disney

Upcoming deaths: Yoon Suk Yeol's presidency and freedom • Luigi Mangione • Kate Middleton • Laura Palmer • DEI, for better or for worse • Pope Francis • Meghan Markle's remaining likeability • Your March Madness bracket and bank account • Tornado Alley • Somebody from The Rugrats Movie

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On this day [edit]

March 29: National Treason Day

30 AD - Judas Iscariot betrays his best friend Jesus for a Coke, gets a Pepsi from the Sanhedrin instead. Heartbroken, he hangs himself.
1792 - King Gustav III of Sweden is assassinated when conspirators remove the structural dowels in his HATTEFJÄLL office chair.
1847 - American troops sack the Mexican city of Veracruz, steal the secrets of the fish taco from its denizens.
1857 - Indian Sepoys mutiny against the British after being forced to endure their take on Indian cuisine.
1951 - Julius and Ethel Rosenberg are arrested for giving the Soviet Union secrets of the nuclear family.
1973 - William Calley, U.S. Army officer responsible for the My Lai Massacre, is given numerous high-fives for his "epic" K/D ratio.
2019 - The United Kingdom leaves the EU, as per the deal, the entire British Isles will be towed into the Bermuda Triangle.

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Ben & Jerry's introduces a new flavor, designed to help you relax.

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