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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

The penis is the primary functioning organ of a male human being, with the brain coming in a close second and the heart in a disappointing third. Penises, or penii, come in many shapes and sizes, all of which are useless to a man unless they are one specific shape and size.

Genesis says that God removed Eve's penis and used it to create Adam. She never forgave Him, nor have her female descendants.

The Lithuanians claim that the penis is named after Lithuanian President Sukis Penis, a depressed emo who invented the penis in 1832 as a form of population control. Before that, people reproduced asexually and were starting to exceed the available food supply. This occurred during the Industrial Revolution, so the penis was soon mass-produced, and man grew so dependent on it that asexual reproduction all but ceased.

The British say the penis originated in the Pennines town of Penistone in South Yorkshire. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that Richard Nixon really just wanted a Magnavox Odyssey?

... that goldfish are neither gold nor fish?
...that you just lost the Game?
... that if you put an ear up to a person's leg you can hear them say, "What the fuck are you doing?"
... that the Welsh language was created when someone fell asleep on a keyboard?
... that the life of Jesus Christ contains many allusions to Superman?
... that the packets of silica gel that say "DO NOT EAT" are actually delicious?
... that less than 10% of the world's cactus population contains gold inside?

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In the news [edit]

One simply cannot piss until he scans this.

Starmer unveils new digital ID cards to help further monitor citizens' pornography intake (Pictured)
BoJo and Co. politely ask Nigel Farage to stop lifting children
Florida Man found guilty of attacking Trump "as an alligator", sent to Alligator Alcatraz
Omaha man's order of salmon sliders indistinguishable from salmon burgers
Charlie Kirk gets l+ratio'd during a speech in Utah
Sheeranism officially legalised in Yankeeland
Angela Rayner defects to Reform UK
Hollow Knight: Silksong gets released; Steam crashes for the second time this year
Some mega pop star and her boyfriend get engaged. Yaaay.
NFL teams replace female cheerleaders with gay dudes

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 and Spaceballs 2 • Russia/Ukraine and Israel/Hamas "peace talks" • Trump and Elon's couples therapy • SNL cast exodus • K-pop: The Movie • Jerry Jones screwing the Dallas Cowboys • Kids and pregnant moms trying to gain "super autism powers" by binging on Tylenol

Recent deaths: Resident Alien • Down syndrome • Tom Lehrer • The system • FUBAR • Cartoon Network on Comcast's basic cable package • Sydney Sweeney's new movie • Terence Stamp • The Devil's Rejects Unrated Director's Cut 4K (also Saw 2 & 3) • Trump's pet sloth • Joe Burrow's toe • Robert Redford

Upcoming deaths: DEI • R. Kelly and Bryan Kohberger (in jail) • Iran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account • The flowers you bring Alan Bergman • Dallas Cowboys' and Cincinnati Bengals' seasons • MSNBC • Lil Nas X • Donald Trump • Windows 10 • Kids and moms trying to gain autism powers from Tylenol

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On this day [edit]

Yes kids - Brick walls can be fun.

September 28: Commemoration of the Brick wall.

1200 - Roger Waters places first brick in The Wall.
1207 - The first brick wall crumbles. 491 years of darkness ensues.
1698 - Brick reinvented by Kevin Costner as a flotation device. Kevin decrees that any major milestone of the brick must henceforth occur on September 26.
1699 - Roger Waters put another brick in The Wall.
1704 - First 'stack of bricks' discovered at the bottom of Lake Superior, along with Ricki Lake.
1837 - Humpty Dumpty trades in brick wall for something a lot more stable.
1839 - Mister Angry Waters throw a lot of bricks in The Wall again and again.
1917 - Roger Waters puts another fuckin' brick in The Wall.
1923 - The Wailing Wall collapses after major flooding caused by millions of pilgrims.
1930 - Wall Street crashes due to mortar stocks going through the roof.
1989 - Berlin Wall breaks up after discovering their cover version of Canadian Idiot is not popular in America.
1997 - Prof. M. Brick invents the 'new' brick wall to commemorate the 299th anniversary of the brick.
1998 - Vin Diesel records a special commemorative cover of "Brick House", titled "Brick Shithouse".
1999 - WLCPs "Another Brick in the Eye" reaches number 72 in the Billboard Charts.

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