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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

“Peter…” My mother asks me as the titles to Loose Women roll. “Why don’t you get a job?”

“But I can’t get a job mother, haven’t you heard about the economic crisis? There are no jobs!” I patronise, with only the faintest idea of what an economy might be.

“Pah!” Father pipes up re-ruffling his paper. “That’s just an excuse for those pithy paper pushing poofs. I bet you don’t even know what the economy is!”

“Sure I do, it’s, erm, the jobs ratios or—god is that the time!? I have to go!”

“Go where?” He says lowering the paper. “It's not like you have a job.”

And therefore I don't have a life, obviously. Were you actually trying be ironic there?

“When is it you’re on that cruise again?” I ask as my parting shot. Stupid retired people, they don’t want to work and get away with it! (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that your daughter wants to be just like her mommy? (Pictured)

... that you can always pay your credit card bills using your credit card?
... that every time you shoot yourself in the head, someone somewhere in the world dies?
... that you can fry a potato but not a potatoe, according to the Potato-tomato theorem?
... that if we lose cabin pressure, masks will drop from just above your head? I always get the Richard Nixon mask!
... that two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane?
... that Freddie Mercury was banned in some European countries due to his extremely radioactive last name?
... that in Spanish, "chinga tu madre" means "have a nice day"? Tell your friends!

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In the news [edit]

Austria wins Eurovision
MLB welcomes cheaters and pedophiles into HOF
New cast and plotlines announced for longest running Filipino sitcom
BREAKING: NEW POPE ALERT!!! (Pictured)
Trump: "You're not the boss of me now and you're not so big."
Phil Collins comes out of retirement after wank
PBS and NPR to lose funding
Spain and Portugal experience a country-wide blackout
Sportswriter Leon Sandcastle gives his two cents on NFL draftee Shedeur Sanders's draft slide
Trump believes that 200 countries negotiated trade deals with him
Man delivers profound philosophical speech about elephants during his sojourn at the zoo
Upcoming South Park season will be Canadian
World shocked as Pope Francis kicks bucket (This is not a drill!)
- Chris Rock will succeed him in new comedy Head of Church
Trump Administration prepares to deport everybody except Native Americans

Ongoing: Eurovision • The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, and Deltarune • Russian Invasion • Israel-Palestine conflict • DOGE budget cuts • SWAT teams on guard for the "chicken jockey" scene of A Minecraft Movie • Trump and Xi's tariff games • The IRS hunting late tax payers

Recent deaths: Girl-kisser and Harriet the Spy soundtrack artist Jill Sobule • Ruth Buzzi • LeBron James' playoff run • Night Court • Lopez vs Lopez • Jayson Tatum's Achilles and Boston Celtics' repeat hopes

Upcoming deaths: DEI • Google's ad monopoly • Cleveland Browns' locker room • LeBron James' career • Diddy's and Chris Brown's chances at freedom • Updates for Mortal Kombat 1

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On this day [edit]

May 18: "We Can Eat Cows Today" Day (India)

441 BC - Oedipus Rex, after learning the awful truth about his wife/mother, kills her and marries his father instead.
218 BC - Hannibal crosses the Alps and right as he makes it to Italy, realizes he could have just taken the ferry.
1948 - Time Magazine's printing press malfunctions: time is paused for five hours and twenty-three minutes before resuming.
1975 - Humpty Dumpty falls off the Berlin Wall, all the King's horses and all the King's men are executed by Soviets for being counterrevolutionaries.
1991 - Vegetables banned from the White House after George H. W. Bush discovers illicit affair between Barbara Bush and a man with severe cerebral palsy.
2014 - You have an erotic dream about your brother, you can't stand to look at him all day.
2017 - A Tyrannosaurus rex is successfully cloned in a Chinese lab, chooses to major in business instead of man-eating to the chagrin of Jurassic Park fans.

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Picture of the day

Islamic extremists are unsure how to react to this sketch of what may or may not be the back of Mohammad's head.

Image credit: Modusoperandi
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