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The only person to duel Clint Eastwood and survive
Inventor of the penis balloon
I have 900 million pennies
I've walked across the Sahara Desert with only a pack of Newports and a fifth of Henny
I possess the JFK Love Files
I once fought the law, and I won
Things I've learned the hard way
Do not honk Ronald McDonald's nose
Words and quotes to live by
“
What I want in a woman is protection. Loyalty. Companionship. Friendship. Ferociousness. I want her to protect me, and have my back to the bitter end. If I have a fight, I want her to jump in, even if I’m winning, even if she’s ninety pounds. I like strong women – not necessarily a masculine woman – but say a woman who runs a CEO corporation, a woman with confidence. Massive confidence. And then I want to tattoo my name on her ass and dominate her sexually.
Where there is baseball, there is bound to be MILFs.
”
— Me
“
That's some grand cleavage, madam.
”
— Me
“
Lemme tell you what 'Like a Virgin' is about. It's all about this cooze who's a regular fuck machine, I'm talking morning, day, night, afternoon, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick.
First, take a big step back... and literally, FUCK YOUR OWN FACE! I don't know what kind of Uncyclopedia bullshit power play you're trying to pull here, but all of Uncyclopedia is my territory. So whatever you're thinking, you'd better think again! Otherwise I'm gonna have to head down there and I will rain down an un-godly fucking firestorm upon you! You're gonna have to call the fucking United Nations and get a fucking binding resolution to keep me from fucking destroying you. I'm talking scorched earth, motherfucker! I will massacre you! I WILL FUCK YOU UP!
”
— Me, technically
“
America is all about speed. Hot, nasty, badass speed.
