UnNews:Experts predict Flu Pandemic will avert Global Warming and save Earth
21 February 2007
LONDON, England -- Planet Earth will be saved and global warming will be averted when millions die thanks to avian flu transferring to humans. The flu pandemic is scheduled to happen any minute now!
The future carbon emissions of millions of people will be wiped out when they perish in a very painful and agonizing flu-related death, but it could be worth it as Earth recovers from any further climate change.
The people dying will be the very old or very young so the chances are you’ll be okay! Also, people unable to pay for medical health care will be gone, and popular opinion suggests we can do without those kinds of people anyway.
“Waiting lists at hospitals will hopefully be reduced, and there will be much more room in schools, and on public transport so this is a win-win situation as far as we are concerned.” said the Pope. “There are too many people in this place, I always have to queue down the shops, this is just God’s way of balancing it out or something,” he added.
Expired chicken and turkey meat has been distributed in inner-city areas across the land by government officials in a desperate yet futile attempt to infect people. “There are too many thick poor people for my liking, so maybe we can knock a few off with these dodgy looking drumsticks.” said the president of the WHO.
A well-known cult of bird lovers, who spend time watching birds through binoculars and drawing stupid pictures of them, were thought to be responsible for the spreading of the virus with their bizarre bird-loving antics. However, this kind of peculiar behaviour will soon be made compulsory in an effort to accelerate the transfer of the virus into humans as soon as possible.
People on welfare will have to provide evidence of bird loving to receive benefit, preferably by posting pictures on the internet for all to enjoy, and single mothers will have to adopt homeless ostriches and train them to do house work. Future human/ostrich civil partnerships could be encouraged if the ostriches can work out how to hold a dishcloth in their beak properly.
Future research on any potential cure for avian flu has been cancelled, and those researchers working on such projects have been moved onto grave digging duties. No casualties will be cremated as this would only increase their carbon footprint after death. Some infected bodies may be put back into the food chain just for a laugh.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- "Half a million in U.S. could die in flu pandemic" News-Medical.net, June 27, 2005
- "Q&A: Bird flu" BBC, February 19, 2007
- "Chicken Loving 101" Bestiality.com, February 19, 2007
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