Cruelty to animals

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Cruelty to animals is when people do unspeakably cruel things to animals, such as tossing them in dumpsters and using them as drug paraphernalia. These acts are performed by evil humans for the lulz and are enjoyed by everyone, except the fags at 4chan and the RSPCA. The animals, once they get well enough to use their secret radio chip embedded in their brains, tell all the other animals about it, so it can be added to the secret propaganda files about the evil of humans, which will be used when all the cute animals rise up, throw off their chains, and repay humanity deed for their treatment by all of humanity. This revolution will be touched off by the second coming of Jesus.

Types of animal abuse

PETA classifies this as animal abuse.

• Taking cute puppies or kittens and beating them, lighting them on fire, raping them, making them high on crack, huffing them, forcing them to watch Britney Spears, and petting them.
• Cramming animals into cages so small that the animals can't reach the exit, or so big they can't move around inside.
• Cutting off their balls, pussies, or other body parts with a good excuse.
• Injecting them with drugs to make them tastier of make their tits bigger so we can all suck them more.
• Make them sit in their own shit because they are too stupid to use the toilet and make too much of it.
• Not giving them 24/7 all-you-can-eat buffets (Note: does not apply to cows because they have to be fat)
• Beating them with a shovel.

What will happen to you when the animals take over...

So, Jesus has come, and all the cows, chickens, dogs, cats, etc., have been made the new guardians of humanity. SO, what happens to You?. Read on.

To determine fate after death, a human is always placed in one of the three categories: Animal Lover, Animal Abuser, or Neutral.

Criteria for being an animal lover

To be classified as an animal lover, one must:

1. Disregard speciesism, defined as differential treatment of animals with similar levels of intelligence. For example, treating dogs as pets and pigs for meat reservoirs would be intolerable;
2. Have no record of causing pain to any animal. Killing slugs or earthworms would be equally disqualifying since they too have central nervous systems and are capable of nociception;
3. Overcome the cuteness bias, defined as favoring adorable animals over physically-unattractive animals, given the same level of importance for the environment. The person's cognition is scrutinized for prejudice against caterpillars, naked mole-rats, anglerfish, and many more;
4. Engage in animal liberation movements at least 30 times, aiming to free every animal from agony. Examples include attacking vivisection laboratories, tearing down rotary milking parlors, hacking FDA websites to remove claims about the nutritional qualities of animal products, and taking care of castrated bulls.

Criteria for being an animal abuser

To be classified as an animal abuser, one must:

1. Take the action of torturing or killing animals with inhumane methods as the sole entertainment activity;
2. Discard at least one pet animal when affection towards the animal waned;
3. Force at least one pet animal to take showers regardless of its struggles to escape the bath and howls in agony.

After the animals' takeover

Treatment of Neutrals

If one fits into neither the definition of an animal abuser nor an animal lover, he or she will be classified as Neutral. Due to the apparent difficulty to evaluate and rank the affection to animals outside the aforementioned criteria, Neutrals will be returned as human fetuses with randomly determined parenthood, for God is fair and He will judge the world with justice and rule the nations with fairness.

If You Were an Animal Lover

Role reversals are quite entertaining for the average animal lover

Well, if you are an animal lover, you get to go to Heaven, where the following happens:

• You get gene alterations to make you immortal, gorgeous, impossible to hurt, ultra-smart, and able to have Sex all you want without ever getting (someone) Pregnant ever again.
• You get all the best food 24/7.
• You can live in whatever kind of house you want.
• All the animals you cared for in life take care of you now (along with 1,000 clones of them). You get whatever treatment from them you want, with everything being free, so if you want to live like a king, feel what it's like to be a pampered pet, or whatever else you care to think of, you can do that.
• You get anything you want FREE.
• You can learn to do anything you want, instantly.
• You can go see any place, at any time, in any universe that ever existed.
• You can volunteer to participate in pain-free science experiments to unlock the secrets of the universe.
• You get all the Viagra you can take, along with drugs that can alter your body to be, however you like it. You also never get sick.
• In the unlikely event you die, you are regenerated into perfect health.

If You Were an Animal Abuser

Many cartoons encourage cruelty to animals

However, if you were an evil animal abuser, you will go to Hell where the following happens:

• You get gene alterations to make you immortal, butt-ugly, retarded and easier to hurt. These are administered through the most painful shot ever invented.
• Every animal you ever abused (and about 1,000 clones of them) come back to torture you for what you did to them.
• Your balls/pussy are/is cut off with a hot knife and no painkillers.
• For 6 days, you are forced to learn humiliating "tricks", and whipped until bloody, shocked with cattle prods (or "human prods"), beaten shitless, have random body parts chained together, and are forced to watch Britney Spears, just to make sure the lessons stick.
• While you're going through all this, you get 1-3 hours of sleep a night, are fed 2 meals a day of old, rotten food (which there isn't enough of), pulled violently on a leash whenever you have to be taken somewhere, made to piss on the ground wherever you are, and talked down to like a stupid animal.
• On the 7th day, you get crammed into a cage that's so small you can't turn around where the bars raise marks all over you. You are buried in the shit of everyone in Hell with you, because none of your "caretakers" ever clean that stuff up, and just make sure it stays out of the walkway. Your water supply is at the edge of your reach, and the worst sludge that could be dug up, and the food, though available 24/7, is worse than the stuff you got on the other 6 days. You stay there for 24±1 hours, and the only way to get out early is if one of your masters huffs you, or rapes you.
• You are shot up with drugs that make your boobs huge and milk-producing (no matter what sex you are), and milked painfully 3 times a day. You get about 3 sips of your milk a year.
• All the time you're going through this, you are naked except for a huge iron collar with an embarrassing name on it, and you are leash-dragged anywhere you go.
• The only music you can get to is hippie tunes, and you have to be listening to the stuff all the time.
• Once a year, you get a bath with a shampoo that eats your skin away for a day and then grows it back.
• You get used for experiments that see how much Wikipedia you can take before you brain asplodes.
• You never get to read Uncyclopedia again.

See also

• Plant cruelty