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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

Amongst the catalog of human races surely the most beautifully sickening are the xenopubes. Their enormity is obscured by their deformity; their genius cloaks itself in sleaziness. And vice versa.

They live in an unknown homeland, but may appear unexpectedly in a public washroom, toilet, water-closet, porta-bidet, pissoir, or high hall of government at any time. They wear their trousers backwards, with extra pockets in the crotchets. Their skirts ride down, their knickers ride up, and they whistle bawdy songs. In their language the word for disgusting lust turns out to be marriage. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that John Travolta (Pictured) isn't gay?

... that a chicken-proof lawn is impeckable?
... that the sky is up and the ground is down, except in Australia where the opposite is true?
... that the only way the bible could have more holes is if it were written on Jesus's skin?
... that Uranus is a gas giant?
... that 90% of all video game high scores are set by one guy called "AAA"?
... that there's more to the 9/11 attacks than the conspiracy theorists would have you believe? Like, way more?
... that Cup Stacking is a real sport? No, really.

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In the news [edit]

"...at least panda meat doesn't give you autism!" ‑RFK Jr.

Kid (and ball) escape narrow car crash
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. engulfs every panda bear in existence (Pictured)
Kardashian and Ye do washed up things
Loneliness is to this university, kinda
We have road copters
Mummy Pig's pregnancy sparks paternity drama
Heinz Doofenshmirtz finally takes full control over the Tri-State Area
UnNews remembers Michelle Trachtenberg
Cinema ceiling makes dramatic entrance during Captain America screening
UnSports update for February!
- USA and Canada take their trade war to the ice hockey rink. Literally.
- Philadelphia Eagles ruin Super Bowl "3‑peat" dreams for Kansas City Chiefs, Taylor Swift
- And more!

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI • Eurovision Song Contest • Russian Invasion • Israel‑Hamas conflict • ICE rounding up illegal immigrants • Taylor Swift's very unlucky, no good year • DOGE firings and budget cuts • Release of all the JFK and Epstein Files, purportedly • March Madness • Tornadoes shredding the American South

Recent deaths: The Department of Justice • Michelle Trachtenberg • Gene Hackman, wife and dog, too • Skype • Kingda Ka • David Johansen, The New York Dolls, and Buster Poindexter • Amiright/Inthe00s • UnSpoiler and BeGone extensions • Space Ghost • Everyone's assumption that Millie Bobby Brown is her real name • Tesla's stock • Bob Rivers • Meghan Markle's Netflix show • Kurt from Good Burger • George Foreman

Upcoming deaths: Yoon Suk Yeol's presidency and freedom • Luigi Mangione • Kate Middleton • Laura Palmer • DEI, for better or for worse • Pope Francis • Meghan Markle's remaining likeability • "Snow Woke and the Seven Pronouns" • Your March Madness bracket and bank account • Tornado Alley • Somebody from The Rugrats Movie

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On this day [edit]

March 22: World Water Day

1621 - The Pilgrims promise the Indians that they're just peaceful settlers here to eat corn and wear lily white breeches.
1874 - Slavery is abolished in Puerto Rico, replaced with mandatory sugarcane harvest fun time.
1945 - The Arab League are formed to guarantee peace in the region for the next several minutes.
1993 - The United Nations passes a resolution to conserve fresh water (Pictured), tells Americans to shit on the floor instead of on the toilet.
2013 - My Chemical Romance disbands, Gerard Way pursues solo career, apparently.
2016 - Carl's Jr. ordered to end "sexy" ad campaign cus dudes just want to fuck the burger.
2018 - Water bottle companies start selling diluted drain cleaner as Alkaline Water.

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Picture of the day

A great disturbance was recorded in the historical community today when what appeared to be a preliminary version of the Michelangelan Fresco that decorates the Sistine Chapel was found spraypainted on a remote alleyway in Rome. Notable historians whatsisname and thatguy said it was due to Michelangelo's intense desire to be accepted into the Renaissance art movement, which they say "required a fair amount of street cred."

Image credit: Zombiebaron
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