Reino de Zona Árida y antiguo Arizona
Kingdom of Arid-Zona
|Motto: "Piense en"|
|Anthem: "¡No necesitamos el agua!"|
|Capital||Sun City Vistoso|
|National Hero(es)||Barry Goldwater, John Birch, John McCain, Janet Napolitano|
|From Mexico in 1964|
|Currency||Pesos and American Dollars|
|Religion||Church of the Sun God, Seventh Day Adventists|
“Welcome to Arizona, turn back your clock 18 years.”
“Welcome to the Ashtray of the Southwest!”
“Oh, but it's a dry heat!”
The Kingdom of Arid-zona, or '"Little Mexico'" formerly known as Arizona, was one of the last states to outlaw smoking in public places and bars, however was the first state to implement a comprehensive ban on hydrogen oxide. With the implementation of the Health Care Reform from the Senate's Minority Whip Jon Kyl, all indoor smoking is expected to be outlawed sometime in 2020.
Arizona is known as the Grand Canyon State due to the phenomenal natural landmark bordering Colorado and New Mexico, considered one of the 7 wonders of the world and the crack of God's ass.
- The 1846 Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo purchase of the entire State of Arizona at $15 million nearly bankrupted America until Mexico was duped into buying back their old land, which Teddy Roosevelt later took by Eminent Domain and camping.
- During the Spanish/American war of 1898, Roosevelt's Rough Rider Arizonans participated in the Cuban Campaign, a foraging raid trophy hunting excursion into the wilds of Southern America, a history which has never been completely unclassified.
- Pancho Villa was the first in a long proud line of Hispanics raiders.
- The Great Spirit became an early player in Arizona indigenous affairs by immortalizing the Famous Two Spirit Warrior Geronimo in perpetuity on HomeLand Security Tee Shirts for the American Indian Movement.
In 1964, Barry Goldwater was elected the first President of Arizona and his body is still preserved for viewing in a secret John Birch Society crypt in North Scottsdale. In the 1950s, Goldwater was a proud member of the Phoenix Country Club, but, because his semite ancestry was questioned, Barry was only allowed to play nine rounds of golf. The beloved Goldwater, famous free thinker is survived by a long line of Ambulance chasers , who provide added stability for free enterprise to florish.
"Gadsonia", "Pimeria", "Montezuma", "Arizuma", and "Arizonia" had been considered for the territory, however when President Lincoln signed the final bill, it read "Arizona" due to complications from Lincoln's Marfan's Syndome.
Rain falls for about twelve seconds each year, during the Monsoon Season, which includes heart stoppingly beautiful lightening storms, with Arizona Power Service has engineered into cost cutting mechanisms that include wide spread outages. As such, the average Arid-zonan is spared from details of the complex and delicate interrelationship between water and rivers. One river actually winds its way past the northern border of Arizona, however in a landslide water rights legislation local government managed to sell the water flow to California.
- Arid-zona water slowly evaporates over the course of a year and is replenished during "monsoon season" a process managed by Salt River Project's Bureau of Indian Water Rights Reclamation. The annual .3 inches of rainfall evaporates within 5 minutes, lowering the temperature to 120° while increasing the relative humidity to 99.999% for approximately 42 minutes. Since these climate events occur regularly, they allow for optimum border control activities at the Great Wall of Mexico in Southern Arid-zona after lightening storms invoke the inevitable yearly widespread power outages.
- Non-Workingman's climate survival includes alcohol, crystal meth, KDKB radio station huffing as well as venturing outdoors only well after nightfall.
- Northern Arizona freezes every winter into the mars-like atmosphere often used in Science Fiction cinema.
- In the 1970's Arizona Public Service and Salt River Project oversold water to residents for green lawns, sprinklers, and garden plantings containing earth green botanicals, resulting in extreme spikes in humidity, mass coronaries and temporary moratorium on all "dry heat" jokes.
Wildlife and Botanicals
- Saguaro Cactus (Aquasynthesis or creation of water from sunlight)
- Jackalopes (Rabies Threatened)
- Snakes (Protected from Texan-Style Roundups by Arizona's Strong Chapter of PETA)
- Scorpions (Barking Scorpions - medically significant venum causes TCell receptor changes - one of the only remaining pristine natural resources in Arid-zona)
- Cacti Nesting Wrens (threatened by feral South American parrots now issued Green Residency Cards in a desperate effort to track migratory patterns)
- American Indians (Kept on ICE to offset slow carbohydrate metabolism, alcoholism and dangerous sense of humor)
- Sonoran Vampire Roadrunner (Mutated by Arizona Sonoran Desert Musueum to feed upon homeless city residents)
- Wile E. Coyote (Canis coyotes wolfus idiotus savantus) Mascot of Acme Design, L.L.C.
- John McCain (PTSD Veteran's Right of Way Division)
- Tumbleweed (State Christmas Tree)
- Holy Land Shrubs and Trees (Imported by Muslims, Hindi's and Jews)
- Asphalt Egg Frying Highways
- Ruins of First Nation Party Sites
- Frank Lloyd Wright's Architectural contribution to ASU Arts, in arial view resembles a toilet bowl.
- Phoenix was the former capital of Arid-zona and home to the growing crystal meth export trade. In 2007 the city council ruled with a 5-2 to make Spanish the official language of the city and banned any bilingual education in English. The population of Phoenix was 9,192,190 on January 1st, 2010, however, these figures are in contention, because in a gun wielding conservative state, few answer a census door bell or government questionnaires. Phoenix hosts the Annual State Fair, a showcase for Animal Husbandry, Charter Schools, and Planned Parenthood from the famous "No Child Left Aborted" programs.
- Maricopa expected to be the new state capital and state's largest city by 2050. Promoted for a complete lack of any possible urban planning, Maricopa combines industrial, rental, commercial and hazardous waste building plans throughout the hymongeous sprawling Valley of the SunStroke.
- Gilbert, Gilbert is the home of the upper middle class people who cant quite afford to live in Scottsdale, but want to hire aliens from other areas for domestic work.
- Scottsdale, French for "land of white people with expensive coke habits, no culture and burnt-orange Hummers"; is a snobby, cliche-looking suburb of Phoenix, complete with thousands upon thousands of red-tile-roof homes built of stucco and surrounded by artificial cacti. The streets of Scottsdale are paved with Turquoise and smell of Cognac and repressed sex. The average household income for a family of four is $872,493. Snottsdale has recently become a hotbed of cougar activity; half of the male student population of ASU under the age of 20 have been stalked, harassed, or even assaulted by 40 year old divorcees in their ex-husbands' Mercedes.
- Tempe is a sister city to Columbus, Ohio. Like Columbus, it's sole purpose is to pack as many college students into one area. 93% of alcohol not sold to depressed construction workers in Phoenix Drive through liquer stores is bought within Tempe city limits. The main exports of Tempe are metrosexuals and college-girl escorts in hot competition for drive up street business with the many drop dead gorgeous hispanic trannies that ply the church filled streets, entrapping average citizens.
- Mesa is known as Arizona's "diamond in the rough", although some content exists drawing correlation to a giant shard of crystal meth. The streets of Downtown Mesa are flooded with dirty syringes and recovery treatment
dealersproviders, domestic violence shelters and community outreach that includes that proverbial "Free Lunch" sermons, dripping with social altruism. Mesa is home to over 500,000 people. However, because of Seventh Day Adventist's under garment sexual repression, the population begins to double every winter, and triples when "crops are ripe" with migratory farm drug smugglers.
- Apache Junction east of Phoenix, rated the Most Rundown City in the history of the Old West is frequently closed to the public. AJ actually contains few Apaches, and no junction. Forty two cents of every dollar in the City's general fund budget is supported by Shopping tax revenue in Apache Junction. For every $1 in the City's general fund budget, approximately forty one cents goes to Police & Public Safety, eight cents for Parks & Recreation, nine cents for Library services, and ten cents for maintenance of the city website .
- Paradise Valley is also called Biltmore West and Hollywood East. Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky, and other wildlife from the hills comes down at night to feast on garbage cans, or take a dive in a backyard swimming pool which lovingly maintained by highly paid swimming pool engineers. Paradise Valley is recognized annually in the lofty Architectural Digest under "Good Places to Die".
- Glendale is the wasteland located slightly west of Phoenix and is home to Glendale Community College -- a secondary school attended by ninety percent of Arizona's high school graduates. Unable to purchase admissions into Arizona State University, most natives choose Community College. Eye contact with Glendale Community College graduates has been scientifically proven to cause a loss of IQ points (or alternately clear decision making after coed staring). Glendale also houses a $162 trillion dollar football stadium known as Pink Taco Stadium, at the prestigious University of Phoenix Online college facilities. The Stadium hosts college bowl games, concerts, cockfights, meth lab seminars, and tamale roasts but unfortunately, until recently, no NFL teams. However, with the recent loss* in the Superbowl, the Arizona Cardinals have become an official NFL team.
- Everyone who watched the game knows that Santonio Holmes did not completely have both feet on the ground for the winning touchdown.
- Peoria lies next to Glendale, and is part of an ongoing civil war between the average middle-class citizens (Led by General Alice Cooper), Mexicans, and the Anglo Alliance. Road rage battles often occur with violent herbephrenic human middle finger grimacing, believed to be a side effect of frontal brain lobe overheating. The average speed for senior citizens in Peoria is 24 mph, while the average high schooler speed limit has slightly increased in recent years to 162 MPH.
- Sun City Vistoso is the capital of Arizona and is a town just outside of Phoenix. It will be named the second largest city in the United States by 2025. Sun City is one of a few government run "retirement communities" where Baby Boomers are are force fed Social Security benefits until dead. Since putrification is swift in sweltering heat, bodies are exhumed and sent to the Petrified Forest National Park located East of Holbrook, AZ (informally known as Sun City Memory Lawn) where they are posed as 'petrified wood'.
- Anthem is a utopian society home to a rare population of well fed super-humans who scoff at the prospect of living within city limits.
- Chandler was once a lessor city, however, it has been identified as an area that produces the largest per capita community college attendees.
- Laveen the Black ghetto, is politely known as Southside Phoenix, where it is not uncommon to hear a multitude of gun shots and car bombs.
- Tolleson the Brown ghetto, is full of Mexicans and Chicanos ASI HOMIES, hosting the largest ratio of Dish T.V. satellites per home value in Arizona.
- Avondale is loving called the Yellow ghetto since the Japanese American internment camp days.
- Buckeye could be called the Redneck ghetto, repleat with home schoolers, Havalina poachers and hand reloaders.
- Goodyear is known for the world's largest rubber tire factory (now in Mexico). Blimps are a rare sighting however, possibly due to un-relocated tire fire risks. Thermals are known to pull overhead dirigibles earth wise during ground fires. The historic PBS television Channel 10 sign off film that includes the "High Flight" poem: "Oh I have slipped the surly bounds of earth..." "...and danced on laughter's silver wings.." by John Gillespie Magee, Jr. was attributed to Goodyear.
- Litchfield Park A tiny town next to Goodyear and Avondale with a slick sounding name, and the Wigwam Resort used to be THE wealthy area west of Phoenix, attempted to annex Goodyear, a city 50 times bigger than it, though Goodyear is 300,000 times wealthier without success. Litchfield Park has the lowest number of bank foreclosures in the state, because their property value is too low to attempt to sell.
- Tucson, located in the southern part of Arid-zona, is the location of an underground immigrant movement obsessed with community radio and Celtic Music. Granola is sold as a snack at the Arizona Opera; sporting white socks with Birkenstocks is considered stylish year round.
- Flagstaff is a major Native American trading post 3,500 miles north of Phoenix. Flagstaff has been known to have measurable snowfall, but only during the great blizzard of January 643 BC. Flagstaff is Arizona's main supplier of feminism, two spirit women, and liberalism. Because Flagstaff's major industry is Northern Arizona University, a avante guarde ecological awareness is particularly evident. Since global warming fears, carbon footprint pollution and bad fashion are rarely at issue in Northern Arizona (outside of the Navajo Nation) it's almost easy to believe in the future.
- Yuma is an isolated burb located in extreme-southern Arizona (sometimes referred to Northern Mexico) and has a population of 100,000 (demographics: 2,500 white people and 97,500 illegal aliens). Yuma is the only city in the world with a Walmart solely based on Espanol (i.e., 'Wal-Marto, precios bajos siempre, siempre'). All employees are required to '¿No habla ingles?'. White people from Yuma decry touristas de Phoenix and Tucson loco. Yuma is also a hub for elderly Canadians whom flock to the area during winter to escape Canada's Open Elderly Person hunting season. Commonly referred to "Canadian illegal aliens" by locals. Northerners generally choose to move to Yuma after a hypnotherapy session with a Jedi Mind Trick trained real estate agent.
- Sedona is a tourist new age mecca south of Flagstaff, famous for the $2,500 Deathwatch Sweatlodge, Vision Quest, and Funeral Packages held by cult spiritual exploiters (who are in turn happily hunted by Bernard Red Cherries, Cheyenne Nation Piercing Chief, and National Native American Protection of Ceremony radical). Woody residents, snuggled into forest niches, suffer from paraquat herbicide side effects, holistic nutritional deficiencies, and abject poverty, since that John Denver optimism upon which their dreams took purchase in Sedona, didn't take into account paying the highest real estate prices in Arizona.
- Surprise yet another sudden growth edge city, is neighbor to the innovative 1950's social experiment by Del Webb's called Sun City, after unprecedented success building Japanese Detention Camps. The largest concentration of old people in the world lives in a community planned entirely around retirees. Surprise's Youngtown is a Grey Person separatist hold: Anyone under age 55 cannot live within the 0.6 square mile city limits. The Grey ghetto, Wickenburg is where old cowboys go to die (like buffalo lost within the winter migration patterns).
- Casa Grande Where Interstates 8, 10, 17 and 19 meet, Casa Grande boasts a truck stop, 1,000 roads with a real golf course including man-made lake. Migratory Birds from Canada, Alaska headed to Mexico to winter, join aerial incesticide crop picker spraying planes.
- Needles and Blythe are in California but soon to be annexed for Indian Gaming Casinos.
- Parker lies on the river bed of the Colorado, known for being a WWII internment camp and railroad crossing.
- Lake Havasu City sits in the middle of nowhere. Havasu purchased London's Bridge, originally constructed in 1456, now called Baghad Bridge due in part to the armament shrad holes that dot the brick facade. The Colorado River, originating at the Grand Canyon, reeks of God's crack cheek sweat.
- Snowflake is home of alien abductee  Travis Walton and people fascinated with watching snow melt.
People from Arizona
Most Arizonians fall into four categories, retirees, imported mid-western Crackers, hiding out from white collar criminal prosecution, or first generation Hispanic. A forth category, although extremely rare, includes the "Arizona Native" (not to be confused with urban indians), who can be identified by basal cell carcinoma freckles, socks with sandals, nicotine stains and suspicious ordinance sized lumps in fanny packs, coats and running shorts.
Technology in Arizona is generally outdated due to the college industry, who obfuscate the collective consciousness by falsely induced scarcity promulgated to induce educational enrollment. Oddly enough the reality is that there really is no technology in Arizona.
Sheriff Joe Arpaio, at the helm of the Maricopa County Police Force happily violates federal and international laws as part of the mandate to "Protect and Deport", holding extensive press conferences, inviting ongoing shame in an attempt to recreate past PTSD military glory. Witness Protection relocation programs for East Coast teamsters and mobsters began during the Kennedy Administration and have evolved into tight large Good Ole Boy organizations that control most City development. 500 billion dollars of highway infraction income appropriated is being piled into artificial hills surplus embalming fluid dumps that serve to preserve quality of life and appearance for the large number of winter visitors and retirees in the state. A famous travel guide put to music is "There is No Arizona" by Jamie O'Neal .
To date there have been 40 million violent crimes committed in the jurisdiction of the Arizona state police, but all witnesses of such crimes have either died or dried up into a wrinkly slab of skin,
Overall, Arizona continues the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy for homosexuals in municipal areas. Any notable gay person in Arizona is probably a transplant like 97.6% of residents who move here with intent to start home business, sell real estate and marry a rich Snottsdale resident.
Washed-up celebrities who have been kicked out of California for losing "cool points" with Ryan Seacrest typically move to Arizona. Some notable figures include:
- Ted "Frozen Head" Williams
- Stevie "Goat/Witch" Nicks
- Sandra Day o'Connor
- Frank Moon-Unit Dad Zappa
- Alice Cooperstown
- Linda "Dig A Pony" Ronstadt
- Michelle Brand
- Sean Young (Blade Runner) Sedona Dirt Rights Activist
- Cochise, Geronimo, Mangas Coloradas of the Chiricahua Apaches
- Barabra Eden I Dream of Jeannie and Arizona native
- Katie Lee Folk Screamer
- Robert McCall Spaced Artist
- Kerri Strug Olympic gold medal gymnast
- Joe Jonas lead singer of the Jonas Brothers
- Dave Mustaine Megadeth
- Wayne Newton - Glamboi "Mr. Las Vegas"
- Stevie Nicks Fleetwood Mac
- Marty Robbins - Cow Crooner
- The Meat Puppets Poser Alternative
- Buck Owens Mesa, Arizona
- Bob Shane The Kingston Trio
- The Tubes - Scottsdale High School
- Waylon Jennings Country Music Hall of Fame
- Tanya Tucker Bad Girl deflowered by Glen Campbell
- Texaco, & Plaxico Burress
- Oscar Wilde's illegitimate sister Oscary
- The primary export is Native American copper.
- Secondary industries include Cotton Farming, Logging, Traffic Speed Traps, Universities, Federal Penal Rehabilitation, Border Control, Airplane Emission Air Quality Control.
- Other key exports include Libertarians (unable to purchase a State Charter since 2004) and people creative enough relocate to another Country.
- Arizona is also the world's leading manufacturer of organ pipes, which are used for Iraq/Iran casualty donation. 99% of the production originates from "Organ Pipe National Monument", a Monument to what should not be done.
- The main imports are senior citizens, winter visitors, snowbirds, federal prisoners, aliens, sports teams and Baby Boomers.
- The state's many golf courses, noted for highly creative "Lack of Water Hazards" provide added recreation for aging baby boomers.
Arizona loves its spectator sports, all of which came from somewhere else. Most appropriate for the desert population is the sport of ice hockey. Fans love the fluid action and the high speed of the players, but they are especially enraptured by seeing water in a frozen state, which provides that it won't evaporate by midway through the First Period. The Phoenix Coyotes are an NHL team but are recently losing popularity, among intellectuals, to Arizona's Hot Roller Derby League. The Phoenix Roadrunners of the East Coast Hockey League play in Peoria, itself imported from Illinois.
The Arizona Cardinals of the NFL, whose name fondly evokes a heritage that occurred in St. Louis, play in Pink Taco Stadium in North Phoenix, built on the grounds of a former nuclear waste dump. They used to play in Sun Devil Stadium, the tiny crumbling ASU dustbowl nestled into a knoll above old downtown Tempe.
The Arizona Diamondbacks of Major League Baseball are part of a large-scale government brainwashing experiment. Diamondback Games are actually huge, corporate-funded alcohol ingestion contents, with all Phoenix citizens swiftly clearing the streets to avoid DUI crashes while the stadium is clearing. For those left unsatisfied by a 162-game season where most games are between teams that are eliminated from playoff contention, the Arizona Fall League provides even more games during the month of November. In the springtime, even more meaningless pre-season baseball is played in Arizona. Out-of-state teams come to Arizona to play in the oddly named Cactus League and escape the harsh, early Spring weather in other places such as California.
The Phoenix Suns have never won the NBA Finals. But they often attract live fans through the sheer geek factor of staring at genetic giants in tight-fitting Nike gear.
- Any green landscape is immediately eradicated by the state and the ASPCEA.
- Snowfall south of Payson is caused malfunctioning artificial snow machine equipment at Snow Bowl.
- Prescott, Chandler, Gilbert, Mesa and Tempe infested with bicycle riding Seventh Day Adventists wearing suits in summer, migrating from one rejection to the next, ministering door to door for John Smith.
- It is the only U.S. state to share the same weather conditions as Iraq.
- Arizona State University dominates the NCAA in date rape.
- The City of Gila Bend, Arizona was the last known location of Frank Zappa's everlasting soul.
- The University of Arizona is the Kingdom's only source of Hello Kitty wielding cheerleaders.
- One of the state's biggest tourist attractions, Scottsdale, is the premier
ghost townzombie habitation in the American Southwest as it is full of soulless shells milling about.
- Californians inhabitants are encroaching due to annual forest fires pushing people toward lower ground (or the Pacific Ocean). According to ASU Climatology experts, California is slated for deletion from the time space continuum in the next decade.
- Arizona state amphibian: Arizona Treefrog (Hyla eximia)
- Arizona state insect: Africanized Bumblebee
- Arizona state colors: Federal Blue and old gold
- Arizona state fish: Pond Farmed BlueGill
- Arizona state flower: Saguaro blossom
- Arizona state fossil: Jan Brewer
- Arizona state gemstone: Turquoise
- Arizona state mammal: Ring-tailed Cat
- Arizona state motto: Ditat Deus God is Rich
- Arizona state neckwear: Bola whip tie
- Arizona state reptile: Arizona Ridge-nosed Rattlesnake (Crotalus willardi)
- Arizona state slogan: Grand Canyon State
- Arizona state songs: Arizona Flight Song
- Arizona state tree: Blue Palo Verde (Parkinsonia florida)
- Arizona NFL player: Michael Vick's Dog Trainer
- Arizona Fuhrer: Randal Hurst
- Arizona Motto: "La Migra! La Migra!"
- Arizona Bird: Hummingbird
- Arizona Auto: Electric Mini Coopers, Hummer, Rez Rust Mobiles
- Arizona number: 115F
- Arizona river: Agua Fria (Rio Grande Olympic Swimmers Practice Site)
- Arizona state: The Navajo Nation
- Arizona nation: Southern Arizona (Mexican territory until 1853)
- Arizona instrument: Hopi Skin Flute
- Arizona nemesis: Hydrophobia (Rabies)
- Arizona Airline: AeroMexico
- Arizona food: Chiptole
- Arizona alcoholic drink: Tecate or "Tequilla with Agave Worm"
- Arizona road: Highway 85 (6 DHS Border Patrol CheckPoints between AZ and San Diego)
- Arizona anime: Steve Blum (Cowboy Beebop Spike)
- Arizona Asiatown: Saguaro Park Detention Center
- Arizona religion: Capitalism
- Arizona Whine: "I never received any Traffic Ticket in the Mail!"
- Arizona tax: 3.89% before levies
- Arizona Landmark: Lost Dutchman Mine (Last known residence of Actor Dick Bellerue Magnificant 7, Gunsmoke)
- Arizona University: University of Phoenix (Everywhere)
- Arizona PanVersity: Northern Arizona University
- Arizona Asylum: Grand Canyon College of Maryvale (at Desert Tent State Prison)
- Arizona Penal: Florence Prison (Important Revenue from Intrastate Federal Prisoner "Rehabilitation")
Films Shot In Arizona
- American Anthem
- Dead Man
- Easy Rider
- Psycho 1960
- The War of the Worlds (1953 film)
- The Quick and the Dead
- The Scorpion King
- Universal Soldier
- West World
- NASA ABC/NBC/CBS Televised NASA Apollo Moonwalk - Actually filmed at Crater Lake  Not on the Moon cir. 1969