Yuma, Arizona

Yuma is swell!

Yuma, el muy grande ciudad en el estado Mexico del Norte de los Estados Unidos de America (La Nacion Aztlan), el homie por los 100,000 a 900,000 Chicanos, Hispanics, Latinos y mas y mas y MAS imigrantes ilegales desde Mexico, America Central y otras Latino Americano estados. No hable ingles senor, tu necesitas los amigos maestre/estudiante de la solo lingue en la region Yuma. Its only known gringo is racist nativist xenophobe Lou Dobbs. La weathernina Maria NosRopas Nympho trabajas en el Yuma TV estacion Channel Ocho, el estacion Telemundo con Mexicanos habler el semana forecast "Aye aye! muy caliente en el summer hah hah! Este el muy frio en el winter. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Sexi!"

Historia

..a short, yet tasty historical hors d'ouvre.

Senor de Alarcon, El Conquistador.

In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. Senor Colon, as shipmates awed by his stentorian flatulence nicknamed him, was approached by his senior advisor Hernan de Alarcon (which means "Hernan from Alarcon" in English) concerning a sincere wish of his to conquer, or at least walk all over and leave "I was here" markers in, the large continent to the east of of his tiny ship, The Pinta (which means "The Bean" in English). Senor Colon's only reply was to emit a very soggy, rum flavored belch and commence micturating over the rail, turning the ocean blue slightly greenish in that particular area.

Yuma Natives

Senor de Alarcon took that to mean "carry on, my wayward son," even though he wasn't absolutely sure, due to him speaking Spanish and Columbus being an Italian fellow and all. To the West he gamboled, and many years, twenty-seven pairs of shoes, and three and a half horses later he lighted upon the convergence of the Colorado and Gila rivers that was later to be named Yuma, Arizona. There he planted a Spanish flag which Americans later returned to the Spanish-speaking peoples of Mexico, by flinging it javelin-like over the tall, rusty steel wall erected by later generations as a gesture of harmony and good will between the two countries.

The confluence of the two rivers created a fertile flood plain, which the indigenous peoples of the area (who were hunter/fisher/gatherers by trade) used quite frequently as a public toilet/landfill. The effluence created by this practice prompted the natives to refer to the area as Yumanumapopascatolotipatl whhich meant "The stinky place in the crevice between the legs of the two great and mighty flowing rivers," which was shortened in later years (by settlers who couldn't pronounce it) to simply Yuma, which meant "poo."

The Wild West

The Yuma Territorial Prison, in it's heyday

In the 1800's, rough and tough western types began to flock to the area in droves, most driven by the misinformation that it was located in California, and therefore "cool." The sheer numbers of these naughty, naughty people prompted the governor of the then-Territory of Arizona to build a mighty prison, the likes of which were never seen before, except perhaps in pre-revolution France.

The Yuma Territorial Prison still stands, and just as it was in the 1800's, the building is still referred to in civic tourist literature as the "Nicest Place in Town." Frommer's rates the edifice as "Not Quite as Squalid as the El Paso Bus Station," which is universally regarded as high marks indeed.

The Mighty River

Deep and wide, in 1885

Before the environmentally-friendly construction of hydroelectric dams on the Colorado, the river was nearly two miles wide in the Yuma area. Local riverboat captains took full advantage of this fact by shuttling Yuma area residents back and forth between the lovely downtown family vacation getaway of Las Vegas, Nevada and their jobs working as prostitutes or miners (depending on gender) in Yuma proper. It is running dry, the water goes into canals to help the Gringos grow their agricultural crop fields and Mexican farm labor to get back the stolen water. !SUS AGUAS ES PARA MI POR LA GENTE EN EL PAIS MEXICO! DOWN WITH LOS GRINGOS! VIVA MEXICO!

City Government

..a cool and delightful salad of political infrastructure.

Senor Disney and Mayor Nelson prototype

Yuma City Government today can be summed up in one word: "Audio-Animatronics." In late 1989, City fathers solicited the the help of then-living American Genius, Hero and Folk-Singing Mercenary Walt Disney in the creation of a "new kind of government." Mr. Disney dispatched his "B" team of Imagineers with the promise that they would be allowed to create the "It's a Small World" ride when they returned from Yuma. The results are indisputable. Mayor B. Nelson McManus has performed flawlessly for the past eighteen years, with the exception of whispering "Fahrvernugen" into then-president George W. Bush's (himself a Disney creation) left ear, causing him to go into an uncontrollable spasm of giggling. The mechanical reign of Nelson and his faceless staff has resulted in no noticeable change on any level whatsoever, earning Yuma the vaunted "Status Quo" award from the pundits at "American Political Machine" magazine for seventeen years running.

Yuma Today

Yuma: In the middle of SOMEWHERE!

..a nutritious yet satisfying main course of current information and statistics.

The Third Largest City In The State Of Arizona

Out of the three cities in the State of Arizona, only Yuma has has the distinction of being "The Third Largest City in the "State of Arizona." The population of Yuma fluctuates depending on the season, prompting the famous city sign, Welcome to Yuma, Arizona, population: Who The Hell Knows.

Population Fluctuation

Typical Yuma resident

In the winter months, the population of Yuma blooms due to an immense influx of elderly drivers from the Northern United States and Canada. These persons are genially referred to by the year-round residents of Yuma as "Snowbirds" (i.e. Canadians, New Yorkers, those from the Midwest or pacific Northwest, and ex Californians) due to their proclivity to leave just when the weather is becoming tolerable. Some also refer to them as "F***ing Snowbirds," a moniker no doubt referring to the success of widespread Viagra use among members of this demographic. Most Snowbirds, due to their remarkable driving skills, are employed as taxi-drivers, pizza delivery personnel, substitute teachers and policemen. Some also gain employment as Professional Shoppers, to the great delight of the general populace.

Where It Is (Approximately)

Yuma is located at the once mighty Colorado River, 0.5 cm. from the California state line.

Yuma covers an area which has been referred to as the "Taint" of Arizona, as it "taint" Phoenix and it "taint" Tucson. This is quite an honor, as Arizona has been referred to as the "Taint" state, seeing as how it "taint" neither California nor New Mexico.

Yuma is located on the border of a quaint and picturesque land called Mexico. Approximately 99% of the inhabitants of Yuma hail from this lovely place, and are more than happy to help "Gueros" (which means "esteemed wealthy tourist visitor to my beloved native land which I will never leave, but if I am, like, forced to by situations outside my control, I might go back to and bring a lot of money with me. Maybe." in Spanish) find their bearings in this beautiful, lovely, well maintained haven for the poor and downtrodden. They will also tell them where to find the "mas deliciosas comidas" (tacos).

Defining Characteristics

The Ocean to Ocean Bridge, with oceans clearly visible.

Castle Dome, in all it's nipply goodness.

OH YEAH! headin' back to the Knob, baby!

Jimmy D's: a family place!

The Mighty Colorado River

Marine & progeny

Young Marine and progeny

Generations Church

Present-day Latter-day Saints glue the statue down.

One of many...

Yuma Border Patrol Checkpoint- a happy place!

What makes Yuma, Yuma? Here are the city's most famous landmarks, followed by brief descriptions. In no particular order:

• The Yuma Territorial Prison: As we have already covered the prison under "In The Beginning," there is not much more to add. However, it may pique the reader's curiousity to know that it was constructed out of various forms of dirt, of which Yuma has a virtually unlimited supply.

• The Ocean to Ocean Bridge: Ever wondered where to find an ocean in the desert? Well, wonder no more. In Yuma, Arizona, situated on the cusp of the Mojave and Sonoran deserts, there are two of them. One is located on the west end of fantastic Historical Downtown Yuma, at the east end of the Ocean to Ocean Bridge, a one-lane, two-way bridge crossing the Colorado River. The other ocean is located at the southeast corner of the Quechan Indian Reservation, on the west end of said bridge. Tell the kids about this magical place.

• Castle Dome: Castle Dome is a large rock formation located approximately 18 miles north of Yuma. It is the shape and color of a very large, brown, wrinkled human nipple. Castle Dome can be seen from almost any point in Yuma, and is the source of many inadvertent adolescent erections.

• Pilot's Knob: Even though it is officially in California, Pilot's Knob is also visible from Yuma. It resembles neither a Pilot nor a Knob, and thus confuses many visitors to the region. The explanation, however, is simple. A pilot, flying from San Antonio to San Diego, crash-landed his aircraft atop the mountain, and while awaiting rescue, permitted himself to be, ahem, "entertained" by a female passenger. The rescuers happened upon the happy couple while in flagrante delicto and the legend was born. Most Yuma residents hear this story in Sunday school.

• Jimmy D's Bar: A famous local watering hole, originally owned by a local personage named Jimmy, whose last name had only one letter in it. Made all the more famous as the arena where the famous "Pee-Pee" dance was first performed. The legend of the "Pee-Pee" dance started one warm March night, when local personality Del "Shinbone" Magee was, in his own words, "gettin' his drunk on." At 11:30 p.m., according to witnesses, the song "It Ain't Unusual" by Tom Jones was played on the jukebox, and Shinbone's closest friends were overcome by a sense of dread. "I knew he was gon' do it," said Mickey "One-Ball" Derwentz. At that time, Shinbone leapt upon the bar and began gyrating his hips lasciviously. His movements became more and more frantic, and suddenly, to the surprise of all, his pants dropped to his ankles. Nonplussed, he continued his routine. The bartender was so impressed she called the police station to invite them to enjoy the show. When they arrived an hour later, Shinbone was gone, and was never seen again. In honor of this event, Pee-Pee day is celebrated in downtown Yuma every March 13th, and is a gala fete attended by satanists, methamphetamine users, and other members of the Yuma elite. This story is also re-told at Sunday school and various important civic functions to this day.

• The Colorado River: The Colorado River used to rival the "Mighty Mississippi" in width and volume. However, that was a long time ago. These days, the river is of sufficient width and volume as to be diverted by a strong, properly aimed stream of urine. This actually happened in May of 1999, and resulted in severe cartographical changes, as the Colorado represents the International Boundary between the U.S. and Mexico for approximately twenty miles of its length near Yuma. Yumans, as the local denizens refer to themselves, are a plucky folk though. The lack of depth does not dissuade them from engaging in a pursuit which they refer to euphemistically as "Boating," but which can be better described as "Open-Air Drinking Activities Involving Public Nudity And Loud Profane Monologes In The Presence Of A Body Of Water." This euphemisim has given rise to regional public service campaigns espousing slogans like "Think Before You Boat!" "You Boat, You Go To Dry-dock!" and "Be The Designated Skipper!"

• Marine Corps Air Station Yuma: Situated smack-dab in the center of Yuma, the "Base," as it is referred to by the locals, is responsible for the ever-deepening gene pool in Yuma. Many a young child, querying his young single mother as to his paternity, has been told "Daddy's in Iraq." Most Yuma children originally take this to mean that they are of Iraqi descent, and later realize that daddy was actually a strapping young patriot who flew away to serve his country in the middle east, and that they are in fact Mexican-Irish. These young folks have come to be known as the "Begorra-le" generation.

• Generations Church: This congregation advertises itself as "The Un-Cult." Situated in a former vegetable packing shed across the street from the Marine Base, this family-friendly edifice has chosen the "Church Can Be Sexy, Too!" approach to winning souls for the Lord. Exuding "cool," the BMW-driving Leader of this Organization, Pastor Richard Mussolini, espouses acquiring tattoos, body piercings, and wearing tight, revealing clothing for the "Greater Good of God." Featuring a rock combo that entertains the congregation, (or "audience," as members like to refer to themselves) the wailing guitars and crashing drums create a very solemn and holy atmosphere indeed. Drawn by this sanctified "vibe" many young Marines are "Lured to Jesus" by the prospect of getting chicks. And many of them do, further propagating members of the "Begorra-le" generation, as covered under Marine Corps Air Station Yuma. Generations is also notable for being personally endorsed by Satan. This endorsement was emblazoned on advertising billboards about town, and is credited with supplying over 75% of the church's congregation (or "audience").

• The Mormon Battalion Monument: This impressive bronze sculpture, located in Yuma's classy Upper West Side, was erected in honor of those who perished during the Great Mormon-Catholic War. The statue depicts a moment during the Battle of Yuma when the brave Latter-day Saints had no idea where the hell they were. Sculptor Jarom Jedediah Obadiah Smith captured in breathtaking detail the complete and utter befuddlement of the soldier, as he stares bleary-eyed at a small model of a busty teutonic goddess, obviously believing it to be a compass.

• Interstate 8: Also credited with further deepening Yuma's formerly shallow gene pool, this four-lane freeway brings a veritable smorgasbord of willing penises, generally attached to interstate truckers or persons of similar quality. Yuma boasts more roadside hotels (or "bordellos") than any other similar-sized city in the United States.

• US-95 South: Two lane, shitty road that will eventually lead you to Vegas through dirt and Sagebrush in the Mojave.

• At the Yuma, Yuma Cabana: The inspiration for the popular song by Barry Manilow: This freeway is also notable for having the Federal Government's version of "Wal-Mart Greeters," in the form of the U.S. Border Patrol. These gentle green-clad protectors of our commonwealth, smiling and waving as commuters zip through their nominal "checkpoints," warm the hearts and cheer the souls of all with whom they come in contact.

Places to Fill Your Belly

..a biscuit, smothered in a savory gravy of Knowledge.

• McDonald's on 4th Avenue (now renamed This is Mexico Way).
• McDonald's on US-95 North-16th Street (now renamed Camino Cesar Chavez).
• McDonald's inside the Wal-Mart on Pacific (Rue Rio Grande).
• McDonald's inside the Wal-Mart on Avenue B (Avenida Barrio).
• McDonald's inside the Wal-Mart on 8 1/2E (Calle Ocho Puto).
• Jack in the Box on 4th Avenue and 1st Street (Quatro y Uno).
• Jack in the Box on 4th Avenue and 26th Street (Ghetto Drive).
• Jack in the Box on US-95 South-16th Street (this part is Low Rider Way).
• Jack in the Box located 1 metre from the one mentioned above.
• Jack in the Box on W. 1st Street
• Jack in the Box on 32nd Street (old pot-holed route US 80).
• Jack in the Box on 32nd Street and 8 1/2E (I-8 turnoff).
• Jack in the Box on Fortuna Avenue (The road of misfortune).
• Jack in the Box on Avenue 29E (Blvd. of Broken Dreams).
• Starbucks (too hot for coffee, have an iced tea instead).
• Taco Bell (Look, nobody is Mexican eating or working in there).
• The Olive Garden (Has a lot of Italian-Americans via the Bronx).
• Bubba's Bar-be-que (Black people are served (get it?).
• Special Meats Foh Yu (Chinese Food for Mexicali Chinitos).
• Nos Escupimos en Sus Alimentos ("Mexican" Fine Dining).

Wal-Mart's cheapened delis (you can find Jews and japs eat there), KFC inside K-mart (yeah, k-mart sucks) and Pizza Hut inside Target.

Famous Former (and current) Residents

..a delectable sorbet, to clear the reader's palate.

• Abraham Lincoln
• Billy Barty
• Del Monte
• Bruce Dickinson
• Jesus
• Satan
• Jayne Mansfield
• Perry Combover
• Del "Shinbone" Magee
• Bob Barker
• Timothy Leary
• Billy Graham
• Samuel Adams
• Joseph Smith
• Jacques Cousteau
• Peter D'Aragon
• Seymore Butts

...and Lou Dobbs was newscaster on KBLU/KYEL/KSWT/what's the fuck it's called now TV station, and pre-KNBC TV Fred Roggin in sports. La Weathernina talks about weather, she's a hot young blond Chicana.

TV stations (if you care)

Yuma, Az. television stations, plus a few Phoenix, Tucson, San Diego ,L.A., El Centro, and Mexicali TV stations if you can afford cable.

• Channel 1 (ABC5/The CW): for cable subscribers (fuck 'em analog).
• Channel 2 (LATV): Some of it is in English.
• Channel 3 (Televisa): "XHBC-3" Mexicali.
• Channel 4 (TV4): San Luis Rio Colorado.
• Channel 5 (TV Azteca): Broadcast via Mexico City.
• Channel 6 (N/A): Known as "X-GHILA 66".
• Channel 7 (Univision): Has only Mexico-produced shows.
• Channel 8 (Canal Ocho): Real bad cheap graphics.
• Channel 9 (KCAL-9) Crappy news channel from LA, nothing but local crap, with the occasional sports.
• Channel 10 (KECY/Fox): Based in El Centro Cal., is on Pacific time, fills late nights with My Network crap.
• Channel 11 (Telefutura: "K-BAJA-B 54".
• Channel 12 (KYMA/NBC): Based in Yuma, programs are 2 hours early, also late nights with ION crap.
• Channel 13 (Telemundo): Does anyone speak English out here?
• Channel 14 (KSWT/CBS): Spanish commercials. Aye! Bud es bueno. Millions of viewing audience uses built-in SAP (espanol dubbing) on their remotes.

Resources

..a sweet, yet fiery aperitif, as dessert is now passe.

• Cult 45, or how the Wild West was Framed by Antoine LeGarde
• Fo' Shizzle by Theodore Humperdipple
• Uncle John's Book of Bathroom Humor by Uncle John
• The Bible by God
• The Book of Mormon by God and Joseph Smith
• The Book of the Law by Aleister Crowley
• The Adventures of Lord Iffy Boatrace by Bruce Dickinson
• The Missionary Position by Bruce Dickinson
• My Cousin, My Gastroenterologist: a novel by Mark Leyner
• Ape and Essence by Aldous Huxley

✶ American Old West ✶