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Today's featured article From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia The Committee to End Pay Toilets in America was a grass-roots political organization which was (apparently) the sole driving force behind the ban of pay toilets in many American cities and states. Founded in 1970 by then-nineteen year old Ira Gessel, the Committee's purpose was to "eliminate pay toilets in the U.S. through legislation and public pressure." “When a man's or woman's natural body functions are restricted because he or she doesn't have a piece of change, there is no true freedom.” ~ Ira Gessel (More...) Did you know... *... that Uncyclopedia is riddled with subliminal messages? DRINK COCA COLA ... that when a suicide bomber dies and goes to paradise, he is given 72 virgins? But all of them are wiki editors? ... that the apostrophe is a small animal which has infected millions of books? ... that vaccinations and computer games combined make a deadly cocktail for autism? ... that half of all American schoolchildren graduate in the bottom 50% of their class? ... that I like cats, but could never eat a whole one? In the news South Korea's president tries to order pizza, declares martial law instead Biden pardons Princess Peach and Blossom... and Hunter (Pictured) President-elect turkey pardons himself Trump gets away with January 6th Cicely Tyson demolishes Aaron Paul in Netflix boxing match Project 2025 to be implemented in 2026, riots ensue The Onion buys InfoWars. Extra true conspiracy theories coming soon! Epstein pal Trump picks sex pest pedophile as attorney general... only for him to pull out Trump picks Led Zeppelin to lead EPA Obama smears poop on daycare Kardashian and Aniston endorse bestiality UnNews publishes official 2024 post-election guide for liberals having to deal with Trump Joe Biden named winner of 2024 election, confusion erupts in America 2024 U.S. election cancelled due to absence of electoral votes, anarchy likely to follow TikToker Peanut the Squirrel swatted, killed for "illegal guns and drugs" Ongoing: Eurovision Song Contest • Russian Invasion • Israel-Hamas conflict • United States presidential election aftermath • NBA and NHL seasons • Athletes doing the "Trump dance" Recent deaths: The Most Mysterious Song on the Internet • Democrat party • Tony Todd • The Chicago Bears' and Cincinnati Bengals' seasons • Boxing • The American criminal justice system Upcoming deaths: Vladimir Putin • Kate Middleton • Alabama football's championship chances • Noam Chomsky • Google as a monopoly • Coldplay • Joe Biden • Donald Trump On this day... December 5: Unwanted Advertising Day (U.S.) 1897 - Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, and he wants you to listen to Adele's brand new album, ready for the holiday season! Her lung noises make you feel sad, give her money! 1922 - The Coca-Cola Company debuts its famous Polar Bear mascot for the holiday season! The crisp, refreshing taste of our caramelized fizz water attracts even vicious arctic predators! 1998 - 100 billionth e-mail with subject line "Viagra is food for the soul" opened: Sponsored by Viagra: Penis Yours Big Penis Women Fuck™. 1970 - British funny-makers who are very popular with 18 to 34 year old internet income dispensers make funny skit about SPAM®! What a funny sketch! Spammity-spam! Hilarity! Buy our products. 2009 - Famous Chihuahua mascot of Tex-Mex food-service provider Taco Bell, Gidget, dies after one too many lines of cocaine. The fame went to his head! Commemorate this tragedy by buying one of our Doritos Locos Tacos (in cool ranch or fiery red spicy)! 2012 - Everyone decides that it's okay to put Twitter hashtags on commercials. Is this who we are as a species? Is this the reason why God has condemned use to die? Colonization of the Week For the glory of her majesty Help us clear the ivy of crap, and plant the seeds of humour.