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Today's featured article From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia The Committee to End Pay Toilets in America was a grass-roots political organization which was (apparently) the sole driving force behind the ban of pay toilets in many American cities and states. Founded in 1970 by then-nineteen year old Ira Gessel, the Committee's purpose was to "eliminate pay toilets in the U.S. through legislation and public pressure." “When a man's or woman's natural body functions are restricted because he or she doesn't have a piece of change, there is no true freedom.” ~ Ira Gessel (More...) Did you know... *... that it takes a man about thirty-four months to cross the Atlantic ocean on a turtle? ... that the average human male between the ages of 18 and 42 has thought about sex with Brad Pitt at least once? ... that The Great Toilet Paper Famine of 2020 was caused by Uncyclopedians? ... that the populations of many endangered species can be increased with a simple Wikipedia edit? ... that 100% of people who make good life choices die? ...Jacking off to more exotic fetishes doesn't make you special? In the news Let's Buy Weird Al from Musk – Uncyc's Next Big Adventure! Support our fake album and win a free Palestinian! (Pictured) The Philadelphia Eagles steal the NFL's script and prevent the Kansas City Chiefs from 3‑peating Philadelphia will burn to the ground as a result. Taylor Swift also begins writing her new breakup song for Travis Kelce; it goes something like "Dreamed of a 3‑peat, but you fumbled the play – Lost the Super Bowl and me the same day." Ye has officially lost his fucking mind for the millionth time Donald Trump announces grand opening of the Sierra Gaza Biden announced as new Bond after signing with CAA Trump Taken audition leaked Kendrick Lamar wins five Grammys AND performs Not Like Us at the SuperBowl to over 100 million people, much to Drake's dismay Smokey the Bear revealed to be cause of LA fires NASA headquarters explode as major star goes on break The Ohio State wins skibidi championship rizz In an alternate universe, Notre Dame wins and saves us all from this monstrosity Elon Musk "accidentally" does a tribute to ... y'know Time travelers protest Trump's inauguration, reveal we're stuck in a time loop TikTok gets banned and unbanned in the US within 24 hours Who's performing at Trump inauguration? (2025) Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI • Eurovision Song Contest • Russian Invasion • Israel‑Hamas conflict • ICE actually doing their job and rounding up illegal immigrants • Taylor Swift's very unlucky, no good year • Eagles fans rioting and eating horseshit in celebration, again Recent deaths: The Kansas City Chiefs Dynasty and Patrick Mahomes's legacy • Jimmy Carter • Liberal Party of Canada • Aaron Rodgers' career • Jean‑Marie Le Pen • Peter Yarrow • Anita Bryant • Yoon Suk Yeol's presidency and freedom • David Lynch • Bob Uecker • Dame Joan Plowright Upcoming deaths: Philadelphia • Travis Kelce's sham relationship with Taylor Swift and his career • TikTok, for real this time • Bashar al‑Assad • Diddy's freedom • Jay‑Z's career and freedom • Luigi Mangione • Kate Middleton • Your New Year's resolutions • Los Angeles • Laura Palmer • DEI, for better or for worse On this day... February 12: Undeniably Heterosexual Graeco-Roman Cultural Appreciation Day 804 BC - Prometheus (Pictured) steals fire and gives it to humanity, who use it to braise their finest meats. 1502 - Queen Isabella I of Castile bans Islam from her kingdom after getting stood up by an uncouth Moroccan. 1817 - During the Argentinian and Chilean wars for independence, joint troops cross the Andes mountains; without elephants, they settle for a herd of vicious llamas instead. 1912 - Puyi, the last emperor of China, abdicates the throne after the communists steal all the royal rice cakes. 1915 - The Lincoln Memorial begins construction, undercover KKK members secretly install a giant mucky swamp right next to it. 1947 - Paris becomes the capital of the fashion industry after Dior releases its collection. 2016 - Pope Francis and whoever the Orthodox Pope is meet up and try joining forces to finally defeat those dastardly protestants, but their plan is foiled by their numerous ecumenical differences. Colonization of the Week For the glory of her majesty Help us clear the ivy of crap, and plant the seeds of humour.