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From today's featured article
Good evening crew of the RMS Titanic. My name is Scuttlebutt, Sidney Scuttlebutt. I am the head of the exterior furniture section on this ship. My job is to provide deckchairs for the comfort of all First Class and Second Class passengers. Third Class passengers are not entitled to deckchairs so you will not need to show them how they work.
This may be the Titanic's maiden voyage but I am already a professional at the art of deckchair maintenance as I have worked on the Titanic's sister ship RMS Olympic. I believe a carefully prepared deckchair with the option of a blanket and cushion is essential if travellers want to take in the cold April air of 1912. So I will now demonstrate what we do.
What was that? You want to know more about the lifeboats? We can talk about that tomorrow. Those boats are to rescue people at sea, not the people here as this ship is unsinkable, made of steel that is light enough to float. There is no need to be worried. For those who really want to learn more about lifeboats, I understand Captain Smith will be holding a class tomorrow. (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... that Captain Autofellatio (Pictured) often gets distracted from crime-fighting?
- ... that an umbrella is a magical object that is used in many cultures to discourage rainfall?
- ... that if we used a language without homonyms, a certain type of pun would be impossible, and thereby much gaiety would be lost?
- ... that in Baltimore, Maryland, it is a violation of statute to dress up as a clown and to make fun balloon animals to give to children and molest them with?
- ... that Martin Van Buren is a total dick and nobody likes him?
- ... that when it says "Do not try at home", it actually means "Do not try this at all"?
- ... that many children in third world countries don't have enough to eat, but most have access to the Food Network?
- ... that the Japanese have a saying: "A man cannot read the same Wikipedia page twice"? The pages are constantly being edited, and the act of reading it will make you a different person. Therefore, when a man goes back to re-read it, both the text and the man have been changed.
In the news
- Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize (Pictured)
- Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
- Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
- The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
- US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
- GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
- Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
- Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
- Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
- Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez
Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • War Special Combat Operation in Iran • Winter Paralympics • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed
Recent deaths: Warner Bros. bidding war • Neil Sedaka • Ali Khamenei • Team Italy sled hockey • Miami Dolphins • That guy from Boston. The band, not the city. But isn't the band from the city?
Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • Weed • Dancin' Maduro • Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons
On this day
March 14: American π Day
- 27 AD - Greeks fight valiantly against Russell Crowe in a vast gladiatorial event to define π as the ratio of the circumference of a circle divided by its radius.
- 435 AD - Pope Sixtus III denouces π, claiming it to be the work of Satan, as a number which never ends seems too cruel for a loving God to have made.
- 1603 - "American" Apple pie actually invented by the Aztecs, used as aphrodisiac.
- 1707 - The Physics Act of 1707 defines π to be 22/7, which scientists of the era proclaim as close enough.
- 1891 - The pie chart is first invented, sadly, the original prototype has long since been eaten. Future pie charts are now inedible.
- 2004 - The day Krabs fries
- 2005 - The Kansas Board of Education restores pi to its traditional value of three and a bit, stating, "Certain features of the universe are best explained by an intelligent cause, not an undirected process such as mathematics."
- 2020 - A resident of New York City passes away after contracting the π virus.
Picture of the day
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Mr. T offers a new day for America. A Day of Pity. Image credit: RadicalX |
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