From today's featured article
Gangrene is a curse afflicted upon the lovers of vice for their lack of faith, wherein the limbs of the cursèd are made black like the heart of Satan, upon whose maleveolent will rests the fate of all men who seek not the light but the dark. For most severe cases, one sees the maggots feast on the deadening muscle and tendon, gorge upon the fat like B'aal feasting on the iniquities of man. A trained plague doctor may extract these maggots and decant them over the posteriors of those unfortunates whose nostrils unceasingly sneeze.
A diagnosis for gangrene may in due haste be ascertained by only the most trained and battle-weathered, for whom the colors of pustules and the angles of boils are like the trodden forest paths of a village childhood, borne within and known dearly in one's heart, lov'd and from rote recited as if the Lord's Prayer. Lacking a doctor of discerning birth or knowledge, it is best to lie in wait and let Death seize you. (Full article...)
In the news
- Weird Al Removes R. Kelly parody from streaming (Pictured)
- Editorial note: Fakelogo template
- Sesame Street finally realizes it's on HBO
- Beto O'Rourke puts finishing touches on 2020 Presidential concession speech
- Roman Catholic Church canonizes Frosty the Snowman as a divine being
- Studies show clinical depression at an all-time low
- Trump news roundup: Plea deals, felonies, and a little girl dies in Border Patrol
- Santa Claus now "probably about a four" on the Kinsey scale
- Whirlpool Galaxy files restraining order against Neil deGrasse Tyson
- Jeff Bezos caught stuffing old fat dude into his trunk
- Trump releases abhorrent holiday stimulus package
- George H.W. Bush dies: Best and worst of his life
- Murphy Brown revival not cancelled, (Dan Quayle joke withheld in light of recent events)
Did you know
- ... that hand transplant patients (Pictured) celebrate by masturbating?
- ... that it takes a man about thirty-four months to cross the Atlantic ocean on a turtle?
- ... that Martin Van Buren is a total dick and nobody likes him?
- ... that you can fry a potato but not a potatoe, according to the Potato-tomato theorem?
- ... that there is no consensus among experts on vice presidential history that Al Gore exists?
- ... that in an experiment known as Monty Hall problem, if you never make up your mind about which door to choose, the goat behind the door will grow tired and burst out?
- ... that Joe Biden stepped in dog shit?
- ... that male vampires are delighted when the female vampire goes on her period?
On this day
- 8M BC - Monkeys evolve opposable thumbs, discover how to spank the monkey.
- 1340 BC - Egyptians create the first pornographic magazine, printed on papyrus, men claim they read it just for the hieroglyphs.
- 1850 - Nudist becomes billionaire after patenting photographs of people naked.
- 1450 - Johannes Gutenberg invents a press capable of printing tasteful centerfolds.
- 1968 - Blind porn is introduced, requiring the sight disadvantaged to keep both hands busy.
- 1971 - The first porno on VFHS is filmed, shows a mustachioed man cumming into a steaming bowl of macaroni and cheese.
- 1994 - First porn site developed, shows pictures of ASCII boobs: (.)(.)
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