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From today's featured article
Good evening crew of the RMS Titanic. My name is Scuttlebutt, Sidney Scuttlebutt. I am the head of the exterior furniture section on this ship. My job is to provide deckchairs for the comfort of all First Class and Second Class passengers. Third Class passengers are not entitled to deckchairs so you will not need to show them how they work.
This may be the Titanic's maiden voyage but I am already a professional at the art of deckchair maintenance as I have worked on the Titanic's sister ship RMS Olympic. I believe a carefully prepared deckchair with the option of a blanket and cushion is essential if travellers want to take in the cold April air of 1912. So I will now demonstrate what we do.
What was that? You want to know more about the lifeboats? We can talk about that tomorrow. Those boats are to rescue people at sea, not the people here as this ship is unsinkable, made of steel that is light enough to float. There is no need to be worried. For those who really want to learn more about lifeboats, I understand Captain Smith will be holding a class tomorrow. (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... that Sigmund Freud told me he slept with your mother last night? (Pictured)
- ... that reading this section is a severe waste of time?
- ... that my dad reproduces asexually, thus making me impervious to yo momma jokes?
- ... that in Spanish, "¡Chinga tu madre, cabrón!" means "Have a nice day"? Tell your friends!
- ... that sovereign citizens have all the rights of U.S citizens, without having to follow any of the laws?
- ... that you should accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior, today!
- ... that every single day, we breathe enough air to continue living?
- ... that the Kingfisher does not dine exclusively on kings, but also hunts queens, emperors, princes, dukes, viceroys and any other high-ranking members of the nobility?
In the news
- Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize (Pictured)
- Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
- Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
- The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
- US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
- GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
- Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
- Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
- Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
- Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez
Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • War Special Combat Operation in Iran • Winter Paralympics • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed
Recent deaths: Warner Bros. bidding war • Neil Sedaka • Ali Khamenei • Team Italy sled hockey • Miami Dolphins • That guy from Boston. The band, not the city. But isn't the band from the city?
Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • Weed • Dancin' Maduro • Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons
On this day
March 15: Julius Caesar's Deathday
- 44 BC - Julius Caesar is stabbed to death by a conspiracy of the Roman Senate, his last words: "Oww Jesus fuck!" (Pictured)
- 1493 - Christopher Columbus returns to Spain after his first voyage to the New World. "What's that blood in your shoe?" asks Queen Isabella.
- 1917 - Tsar Nicholas II abdicates his throne, hopes to retire to a nice dingy basement with the rest of his family.
- 1952 - During a performance of 4'33", composer John Cage is heckled by the audience as a pretentious, lazy gasbag. Their heckling by definition becomes part of 4'33", and therefore a meta-commentary on itself: Cage is hailed as a creative genius.
- 1965 - President Lyndon B. Johnson advocates the Voting Rights Act as part of a fiendish Marxist ploy to get non-white people to vote and stuff.
- 2000 - Y2K doomsayers are just about ready to confess that they were mistaken, until they hear about the sexy new year of 2012.
Picture of the day
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The future of proctology isn't in your hands, your hands are in it. Image credit: Serge Billault |
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