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From today's featured article 

John Marshall Portrait.jpg

John Marshall was a professional floor-is-lava player who lasted 34 years until he touched the floor and died. He played on the Supreme Court team and had the role of the fourth Chief Justice, which he served for three point four decades before dying. He arrogantly held the role and thought no one else was good enough to wear a robe and scream "constitutional law" at people. Marshall even copyrighted black bathrobes, so anyone who wanted the role would instantly have to pay Marshall $97.99 (plus shipping and tax). He was famous for vastly improving the Supreme Court team by inventing the established judicial review move. This allowed the Supreme Court team to respond No. to any attacks by the Congress team, making them a worthy team. (Full article...)

Did you know... 

Commie eats children.gif
  • ... that liberals want to eat your children? (Pictured)
  • ... that the moon is not made of cheese, but magnesium of milk powder, which explains why everyone that ever goes there feels sick when they come back?
  • ... that a bomb shelter is the safest place to hide explosives?
  • ... about Alliteration articulating an artistic approach aimed at annotating and arranging alphabetic accouterments as alarmingly asinine alignments?
  • ... that Liechtenstein is completely pointless?
  • ... that the packets of silica gel that say "DO NOT EAT" are actually delicious?
  • ... that the bow-tie is an aphrodisiac worn by male humans which instantly increases the sexual appeal of the wearer by 16%?
  • ... that you actually didn't know?

In the news 

Tomodachi Life Island.png
Too bad you can't customize this in the original.

Ongoing: Eurovision Green Room in danger of sexual harassment • The wait for GTA VI and Spaceballs 2 • Larry Sanger's war on Wikipedia • Non-Bears invading Tennessee • Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • ICE-y chaos in Minnesota • Fallout from the Epstein Files • Winter Olympics • Seattle flooding the streets with Starbucks coffee to celebrate the Seahawks' win • New England Patriots fans hiding in a corner after being exposed • r/TheDarnold having a MASSIVE field day

Recent deaths: the other Black guy from John Carpenter's The Thing • Bob Weir • Scott Adams • Kianna Underwood • Uncyclopedia • Catherine O'Hara • Lamont • Brad Arnold • NFL season • New England Patriots fans' insufferability, for now

Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!!

Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Netflix • Dancin' Maduro • Aaron Rodgers' career • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files (cough cough Bill and Hillary Clinton) • Travis Kelce

On this day 

Fig. 1

February 10: International Bad Pun Day

  • 1104 - Potato famine engulfs Ireland, panhandling leprechauns flood the cities because they're a little short.
  • 1390 - Bread is invented. Everybody proposes a toast to the inventor.
  • 1391 - Sliced Bread is invented. This is the greatest thing invented since, you know what I'm drawing a blank.
  • 1712 - Rebels in Chile have a riot against the Spanish. It ends up being en fuego.
  • 1865 - A three legged dog walks into a saloon and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
  • 1980 - Various case studies indicate you can put things in them and carry them by their handles.
  • 1985 - Das Boot, a German film about gender neutral enclosed footwear, is released.
  • 2009 - Juan Pablo Montoya is shot dead, police believe the killer was a golfer, because he made a hole in Juan.
  • 2018 - French President Emmanuel Macron explains at a press conference that he doesn't like too many eggs for breakfast as one egg is un oeuf.

Picture of the day

Nuke Me if you can
 Now showing at all good Middle-Eastern warzones near you!

Image credit: Olipro
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