“Diane, it's 4.55 pm, and I've just looked myself up on the popular internet website, Uncyclopedia. I find it intriguing that there is no entry under the name Kyle MacLachlan. Am I really so unpopular that I don't have my own article on, what I have been told, is one of the most popular and informative encyclopedias on the internet besides Wikipedia? Measures will have to be taken Diane, and so I will undertake the task myself of writing this article, giving extensive insight and knowledge about my life, and hopefully giving myself a much needed career-boost.”
I was born Kyle Merritt MacLachlan (February 22, 1959), and I am an American actor. I graduated from the University of Washington in 1982 and, shortly afterward, moved to Hollywood, California to pursue a career in acting. At the time I was under the impression that Hollywood was the only place in the world where you could. I have since been proven wrong as other actors have taken roles from me who come from places as diverse as Chicago, New York, and B... Bo... Bournemouth, is it?
My career isn't all bad though. I am best known for my roles in cult films, such as Blue Velvet, Showgirls (I still can't believe I did that), and Dune, as well as several major television series roles, such as Special Agent Dale Cooper in Twin Peaks, Trey MacDougal in Sex and the City and Orson Hodge in Desperate Housewives. The phrase "I am best known" strikes me, Diane, because it implies that people should recognize me wherever I go, which they do not. Odd, very odd.
Diane, it's 5.23 pm and I'm writing the early life section on my Uncyclopedia article. I just took a quick break to get a cup of coffee, and then had to stop my son from crying because his Tickle Me Elmo doll just told him "Islam is the Light". Very strange, Diane. Remind me to return it to Toys 'R' Us tomorrow. I'm a Cookie Monster man myself anyway.
To stay on point, not much is known about my early life, besides what I wrote in the opening paragraphs. You'd expect there to be some kind of suppressed memory re-emerging about now, but it's not coming. Nope, absolutely no recollections of physical and sexual abuse by my father are coming to mind.
Diane, it's 5.45 pm, and I'm on my 4th cup of coffee. Nothing better than a cup of Joe to fuel your encyclopedic skills.
Although the majority of my friends and colleagues believe that I have only ever been in 5 different films or TV shows, I have had a long and diverse career, working with many different film-makers, and some of the finest actors one could ever wish for.
Please note, Diane, that I am in no way disappointed or depressed at all by the way my career turned out. I'm doing fine.
Diane, it's 6.20 pm, and I'm currently drinking my 11th cup of coffee. The old bladder is starting to fill.
I guess I caught my first break when David Lynch cast me in Dune, his own version of Star Wars. It was quite an odd casting process. I was asked to drive to his house for him to get to know me better. The second he opened his front door, he looked me up and down and said in his weird frog-like voice "Oh, you are just beautiful." I accepted it as a compliment and he invited me inside. I then sat down on his couch, and he said "Let me see how your hair holds up... I like crazy hair." He grabbed my head and started licking it, so he could style it, I suppose, although why he couldn't just use an old fashioned wax or hair gel is a mystery to me. The trials of auditioning were certainly worth the effort though, as he gave me the lead role! The fact that the film turned out to be a complete failure is a bit of a downer, but at least I managed to get my foot in the door.
Wanting to make up for the piece of garbage he made me star in before, David Lynch also gave me the lead role in Blue Velvet. People really liked this one, although to be honest, I don't see how it's any better than the other films he's made, and most people hate those. I can remember the time spent filming quite vividly. I remember taking Laura Dern out to the carnival and winning her a goldfish, and the first time David told me I did a good take. I also remember Dennis Hopper...
Boy, Dennis was an interesting guy to work with. He was so nice to me; he even gave me my own nickname, "the Boy-Scout". However, there were times were he could be a bit rough when he was messing around with me, like this one time, when I caught him getting high with a few of the other co-stars. They were inhaling something out of this weird gas canister, and before I could ask what it was, he rammed my head through the wall and threatened to kill me if I told David Lynch what they were doing.
Then there was this other time when the cast and David went out for a drink, and he slammed my head into the table for ordering a Heineken. I don't think he likes it, Diane, or at least hasn't tried it.
And then there was this other time... oh, hold on Diane, I've run out of coffee.
Some parts of filming did freak me out, like this one scene I had with Isabella Rosellini. It was a sex scene, and in the middle of it, David paused the cameras and told us that the footage wasn't good enough. He said that instead we should have sex for real. Isabella, his girlfriend at the time, agreed as well, so I went along with it, although I still wasn't 100% comfortable. Though the scene was only supposed to be 30 seconds long, David kept filming for half an hour. I told him that I wouldn't be able to keep going much longer, so he told me to finish off inside her. Again, she agreed. It was a bit weird, and kind of scary for a while when we thought I had gotten her pregnant.
I guess I'd be understating if I said Lynch was an unconventional film-maker.
Diane, it's 6.45pm and my bladder is approximately half-full. Would it be more optimistic or pessimistic if I were to say it's half-empty?
Twin Peaks was a much nicer experience than Blue Velvet was. I think it was because Dennis Hopper wasn't there, slamming my head into something like usual. Not being forced to have intercourse with David Lynch's girlfriend was a nice change as well. That was also where I met you, Diane, and where I developed a strange addiction of talking into a tape recorder.
The series revolved around me solving who committed the murder of Laura Palmer, a meals-on-wheels charity worker, high school prom-queen, and coke fiend. To solve the mystery, my character would use several cutting edge techniques that would rival CSI, such as interpreting hallucinogenic dreams literally and digging under people's fingernails for random pieces of paper. The show was well received, and I even got an Emmy Award nomination.
Unfortunately, David Lynch deserted us after the first series, so we had to write and film the thing ourselves. It then rambled on about a random subplot about some guy called Windom Earle. Oh, and we decided to reveal who killed Laura Palmer midway through the second season, which kind of ruined the whole point of the show.
My bad, but it was Mark Frost who told me to do it.
Everyone in the 90's seemed to be highly obsessed by the show, but now, 17 year olds who catch the odd rerun on UKTV Gold and NBC Chiller call the show "gay". I imagine that is indicative of not standing the test of time.
Damn, I can't believe I turned Sherilyn Fenn down. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking...
Diane it's 7.18pm, and after my 45th cup of coffee, my bladder is about to explode. Please excuse me while I relieve myself.
Diane it's 7.21pm, and my bladder is now empty.
Since David and I have parted ways (not that we used to be a gay couple or anything), I have remained prominent in the acting community, such as in Showgirls... lets forget that one. I was also in The Sisterhood of Travelling Pants 2 and The Flintstones movie... The Flintstones one wasn't that bad... Halle Berry was hot in it... I need another cup of coffee, Diane.
You might also remember me from Sex and the City where I played Charlotte's husband who couldn't get an erection. A challenging role, if I might say so myself, Diane. You can also catch me in Desperate Housewives, or "Desperate Ho's" as I like to call it for short. I'm married to the ginger one, not Eva Longoria... fucking writers.
Most 16-year-olds probably know me from Grand Theft Auto III, where I voiced nefarious media mogul and necrophiliac Donald Love. Again, quite a stretch from my own personality, exhibiting the talents of my acting.
Why? Why do there have to be people like Dennis Hopper?!
I have been praised by many for my portrayal of dark, conflicted, morally ambiguous characters. For example, my character in Twin Peaks, has a penchant for remaining strict with his manners, always fully pronouncing his words and greeting people in a formal, friendly, and correct manner. He also has social interactions reminiscent of a mildly autistic Sherlock Holmes. David Lynch once said of me, "Kyle plays innocents who are interested in the mysteries of life. He's the person you trust enough to go into a strange world with, and not mind too much when they go bat-shit insane." In Blue Velvet, I play a seemingly nice boy, but before long, I'm trying to impregnate David Lynch's girlfriend and slapping her while I do it.
Many have also commented on my resemblance to Cary Grant. However, others say George Clooney looks more like Cary Grant, despite the fact that I was the one who played the spirit of Cary Grant in A Touch of Pink. Still, I guess it only matters who has the most Oscars... or the most films... or the most fan girls... But at least I don't play the same yellow, lazy sleazeball in every film I make, unlike him.
I HAVE FUCKING RANGE!!! WHERE'S MY OSCAR? HUH! WHERE'S MY OSCAR?
Diane, it's 7.45pm, and I'm contemplating killing myself...
I currently live in Manhattan with my wife, Desiree Gruber, and my son, Callum Lyon MacLachlan, born July 26, 2008. Together, we have two small dogs (a Jack Russell terrier and a Yorkie/Chihuahua mix), of whom I've created a website and a popular video series on YouTube. I think it has more views than the rest of my films have combined.
A dedicated oenophile (that means wine lover, Diane), I am partners with Eric Dunham in Pursued By Bear, a winery in Washington's Columbia Valley. If you're wondering about the stupid name, Diane, it was suggested over dinner by Steve Martin, and comes from a stage direction ("Exit, pursued by a bear") in Shakespeare's The Winter's Tale. I thought it was a fucking stupid name too, but Eric liked it, and I'm not a fan of confrontation.
Steve Martin's twice my age and he's still got a bigger career than me, the stupid grey-haired fuck!
Who the Fuck is Diane?
Many have wondered who this woman is that I address in my tape-recordings. They have studied Twin Peaks endlessly for clues to the identity of this woman, or even just for evidence of her existence. Is she an assistant back at the FBI Headquarters? Is she Cooper's dead wife? Is she just a random name Cooper uses to feel more normal when he compulsively speaks into a tape recorder every 3 minutes, or is it the model of the tape recorder itself? She remains a mystery that has brought many theories and no real answers. She is an enigma.
Oh, I'm sorry, that didn't really answer your question, did it? Well, maybe if more people watched my movies, and some GOOD directors decided to cast me in some GOOD movies, maybe I would be in a GOOD enough mood to give a fucking GOOD answer. But as long as NO-ONE has the fucking consideration to go watch any of my films, and fucking BAD directors continue to cast me in really fucking BAD movies, I will continue to be in a fucking BAD mood, and in turn, give a fucking BAD answer to this BAD fucking question! YOU GOT THAT, SHIT-FOR-BRAINS!?
That's it! I'm going to go buy a gun and march up to George Clooney's front door, and I am going to blast that motherfucker away! Then I am going to Dennis Hopper's house and I am going to pay him back for all those times he and his fucked-up friends gave me a moderate concussion. Then, I'm going to fucking obliterate the entire Oscar Award committee for snubbing me every single goddamn year!
I am not a man to be messed with!
Diaaaaaaannnnnneeee! Diaaaaaannnneeee! I'm coming for YOU, Diaaaaaannnneeeee!!!