Super Mario 64
“Where's my cake, bitch!?”
Super Mario 64 is a bestselling video game for the Nintendo 64 which is famous for being the first 3D platforming game ever. Initially conceived as a horror game where Mario was chased by Lakitu, due to a glitch in the code, the horror elements were scrapped, with Lakitu serving as the cameraman. Despite that, Shigeru Miyamoto was notoriously stubborn about the cancelled feature, wanting Mario to finally appeal to adults. This forced the game to be delayed until it was hurriedly released in November 1996, where no one bought it until early 1997. This has caused it to fade into obscurity, until recently.
Despite being advertised as a kids game, Miyamoto's vision still prevailed. Mario says various slurs to Bowser, including the famous "so long, gay Bowser.", people with nothing else to do in the internet have revealed that the game has killed their entire country, various characters normally included in Mario games[1] are seemingly gone. There are even claims that the game can be beaten without pressing jump at all.[2]
Synopsis[edit | edit source]
One day Mario received an invitation from Princess Peach to come over for "cake". When he arrived at the castle, however, Mario found that Peach had been abducted by Bowser. She totally didn't get bored of waiting for him, nope, no way. Furious at being cockcake-blocked by Bowser yet again, he set out on a murderous rampage.
Of course, like a true prostitute, Peach locked most of her doors before she left was abducted, except the front because she's still a dumbass. Mario went around mugging and killing random creatures for magic stars to use their power to break open the other doors. After kidnapping finding and saving the bitch princess, Mario finally got what he wanted.....Right?
What all he got was a kiss? really? Sucks for him! So he didnt get to eat out her pussy cake?
Along the way, Mario also committed robbery, killing goombas, koopas, and other minions to get some gold coins. There's also this penguin in a mountain who Mario dropped off a cliff as he was too annoying for him. Additionally, there were some toads who pleaded for Mario to leave, but Mario harassed and threatened to mug one until they gave him two of those magic stars. It's safe to say that after Mario is done with his adventure, nothing bad will happen to him.
Gameplay[edit | edit source]
The game contains fifteen levels or so, which can be accessed by jumping into paintings,[3] which represent Mario's dreams and nightmares, but primarily nightmares. These levels include:
- Battlefield with Curvy Bomb Girls
- Locked In A Fortress
- Gay Candy Sailors
- Penguin Homicide
- PTSD Piano ft. Boos
- Hazy Area Perfect for Having Sex
- Lava Land
- Quicksand
- Gay Sailors Again ft. Bowser
- Frostitutes
- All Of Mario's Fears Built Into One
- Tall, Mountainous Women
- Claustrophobia? Agoraphobia?
- Clocks
- Rainbow Ride
When Mario enters a painting, he gets transported to an open-world environment where he can punch and kick random creatures. In an interview, Rockstar Games cited Mario 64 for inspiring them to make Grand Theft Auto, stating that the game's obsession with violence was perfect for what they had in mind.
As with all Mario games, Mario can steal coins. Oddly enough, there are no Magic Mushrooms (except 1ups); rather, Mario has an 8-segment health bar that is refilled by collecting coins, since he's a greedy capitalist pig. Additionally, there are three hats (the wing cap, metal cap, and vanish cap) which can be found in floating boxes inside the paintings. However, Mario's cap can be stolen, making him way weaker until he gets it back.
Reception[edit | edit source]
 | This article needs to be EXPANDED |
|
- ↑ Yoshi, Wario, and Green Mario, or whatever's his name.
- ↑ Seriously, how?
- ↑ Dammit, I can't think of a Blue's Clues joke.