BDSM
BDSM is an acronym which can stand for a variety of things. These include 'bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism', 'Boycott, Divestment, and Sanctions Movement' ‘bondage, domination, sadism & masochism’ and ‘bondage, discipline, submission, mastery’. No two people into BDSM will agree on what it stands for. Or agree about anything else. This is a rule.
Though the practice has existed for centuries (De Sade seems quite in favor of it), it is only in the age of the Internet that the rest of us have had to put up with this bullshit.
The Philosophy[edit | edit source]
BDSM operates on the principle that if you are too emotionally insecure to believe that anyone would fuck you, you might find someone prepared to beat you. Or poop on your head.
The Community[edit | edit source]
BDSM online communities are spaces for sad individuals to look for ‘hot bi babes’ or a ‘webcam mistress’. The man advertising for an attractive pervert is fat, ugly and married. His idea of fun is to put an out-of-focus photo of his inadequate dick on his profile.
Online discussions revolve around who knows more about BDSM, has the most slaves, or is most deserving of respect. Then there's the bullshit about safety and sanity. Fortunately, few people who talk about BDSM online have any experience of it.
One subculture within BDSM goes by the name of Gorean. Goreans are the pervert equivalent of a Trekkie, attempting to have their lives guided by badly written fiction. BDSMers sometimes laugh at Goreans, unaware of the irony.
BDSM parties consist of people wearing ‘fetish outfits’ which fail to disguise the actual shapes of their bodies. It is evident that no BDSMer owns a mirror, because if they had a chance to look at themselves in their tacky outfits they wouldn’t have left the house.
The more pathetic BDSMers (all of them) refer to their practices as ‘the lifestyle’ when discussing it with other perverts. This allows them to feel they belong to a secret club, rather than just hanging out with a bunch of weirdos who whack off to creepy porn.
Psychological Aspects[edit | edit source]
It is not impossible that an individual BDSMer is open minded, well rounded, highly intelligent, and damn good at their profession. It is, however, fucking unlikely.
BDSM is still rightly considered a mental illness. Unfortunately, psychologists thought that the cure would be to place the patient in a straight-jacket and give them electroshock therapy. Since the sickos loved the treatment, the doctors gave up and released them into the ordinary community. So now we have to deal with these damn dirty perverts.
Roles in BDSM[edit | edit source]
Dominant/Top[edit | edit source]
The dominant, or top, is in control of the activity. A professional mistress top is called a dominatrix. The difference between an amateur dominant and a dominatrix is that the former also goes by the name 'wife'.
Male tops can be identified by the presence of a leather waistcoat and having a fat partner at the party.
Submissive/Bottom[edit | edit source]
The submissive person in the activities is called a bottom. They are subject to the whims of their top, and must take anything the top dishes out. However, the bottom may utter an agreed upon safeword at anytime to stop the activity. Of course, it will probably be ignored, because everyone knows tops are just jerks and bottoms like having people poop in their hair and are just getting what they deserve for putting themselves in that situation.
Switch[edit | edit source]
A switch is a person that can (and will!) serve as a top or bottom when needed, sometimes within the same sexual encounter. This is the most severe sort of pdxd and is entirely uncurable. They are the most immoral and most pervertedestestest person you'll ever meet. Switches are also immune to most forms of attack, so conventional warfare is useless. If you have the misfortune to encounter one, curl up into a ball and wet yourself or play dead. The switch might sniff you or mount you, but will probably lose interest and walk away. Then again, they might drag your supposed corpse on top of them and attempt to place a whip in your hand.
Pets[edit | edit source]
There are some real oddballs out there who like to be treated like animals, these are like BDSM weirdos fused with furries. This is the most mind breaking genre blending sickness seen on the interwebs since 2 Girls, 1 Cup.
Some of the worst of the lot can expect to be made to sleep on the floor like a common housewife, or locked in a cage like a Special Olympics "sprinter" before the big race. Finally, the rules for these so called "pets" are similar to wild or feral animals. Show you are the boss and don't acknowledge them beyond a cursory glance, don't try the Wolf "look between your legs at them" thing, you will probably just end up bitten. And of course, if you are an absolute pansy, you could always try the curl up in a ball defense. DISCLAIMER: Remember that unlike the aforementioned Switch, the Pet probably WILL sniff and mount you, and at the end will just add their urine to yours, with their cocked leg adding extra sting to the tears of humiliation in your eyes.
In Space[edit | edit source]
If you are in space, there is no up or down, exactly the same as Gillette Mach 3 Turbo. You can't be on top or on bottom. It should be noted that no one will be able to hear you scream, due to the lack of sufficient atmospheric properties.
Practices[edit | edit source]
BDSM includes a variety of practices, from the nearly mundane to the extreme. Some common practices include:
- Discussing safewords on the Internet for ten hours straight.
- Yelling random safewords in public to signify to your crowd of fuck-buddies that you are horny.
- Endless discussions on whether dominant men should be called Sir, Master, Dominus, Lord, King, or whatever.
- Endless discussions on whether dominant women should be called Mistress, Ma'am, Goddess, Queen, Domina, or whatever.
- Endless discussions on how to be a TRUE slave.
- Rants about which dominatrix received the most cockshots that month.
- Rants about men not reading the entirely tedious profile of some wannabe, and just sending an otherwise polite e-mail which failed to mention the one tiny detail embedded sixteen pages into the online fantasy she created just to stop her having to think about her husband and kids, and which she will never get to act out, because that's not actually her picture in her profile, just an image of someone 100 pounds lighter that she stole from Facebook.
- Mocking other subcultures, e.g. Furries, as if BDSM isn't the most ridiculous subculture of all.
- Typing incest fantasies with bad spelling and punctuation.
- Typing bestiality fantasies and believing that spelling it 'K9' makes it morally acceptable.
- Typing rape fantasies, and then defending them at length.
- Watching reruns of The Dukes of Hazzard.
- Visiting the in-laws.
Diagnosing[edit | edit source]
As a Disease[edit | edit source]
Being into BDSM is a disease. It is the symptom, the disease, and the condition. While it has been thought by some that bottoms have a disease but tops don't, this is wrong. Both are equally sick and should be avoided to prevent contamination.
Picking out Pervs[edit | edit source]
More often than not, lovers of BDSM can be identified by their bad taste in clothing, and the complete absence of charisma. They are turned on by handcuffs. And whips. And leather. And 1930s movies where women were spanked.
Studies show that people who like BDSM are pretty much different to real humanity in almost every way.
However, BDSMers are everywhere, probably due to a contaminated water supply. Even your boyfriend puts on your high heel boots and pantyhose and ties himself up while you're at work, anyway. I'd dump him if I were you.
In Popular Culture[edit | edit source]
Madonna was looking damn fine in Human Nature, where she sported BDSM wear. The song, however, really sucked.
Beyoncé was also looking damn fine in Green Light where she wore latex and ballet boots. However, the trombone solo took away anything good about the song.
Percy Grainger, a composer in the early 20th century, was a sadomasochist. He is remembered for nothing else.
Legal Status[edit | edit source]
Quite unexpectedly for such an otherwise liberal state, in June 2016 New York Governor Andrew Cuomo signed an executive order effectively banning BDSM, saying that the state of New York will put anyone who propagandizes BDSM to New Yorkers in bondage and submission to the privatized prison industry. This came on the heels of a similar law in Russia banning homosexual propaganda, but the BDSM community has been undeterred by this decision, and for many of them it even seems to have hardened their resolve.
BDSM Websites[edit | edit source]
- bondage.com - Posts on bondage.com take one of three forms: insane, repetitive or inane. Most posts are from Americans asking whether sex without a condom can have negative effects. In fact, the forums read like (badly written) Readers Wives letters.
- Informed Consent - British BDSM site. Have a look to understand the kind of sad fucks who lost an Empire by dressing all their men in mommy's panties.
- alt.com - The biggest gathering of clueless fuckwits ever. Merely registering on this site is enough to contract syphilis.
- collarme - Makes alt.com look like a gathering of the intelligentsia. Consists of wannabe ladyboys who want to come round and do your dishes in exchange for getting a cucumber shoved up their ass.
- FetLife - Probably one of the closest things to a kinky Facebook, that is for real people in the lifestyle, not just the newbies or wannabe's. Created by John Baku in Canada, this kinky social networking site is among the fastest growing online communities for alternative lifestyles. Covering almost every fetish and kink you can imagine. Unfortunately there are still some of the typical 'online doms' who just try to use it to pick up people or have 'online relations'.
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