Republic of Cerveza
That Socialist Republic of Cerveza That's Partially a democracy
|Motto: "I don't always lead a country but when I do, I prefer Cerveza"|
|Anthem: "Long Live the Brotherland! "|
|Official language(s)||Cervasian, Gibberish, Swearing|
|Cervasian Premier||Niko Bellic|
|‑ Prime Minister||Konstichurnople Faggot|
|‑ King||The Most Interesting Man in the World|
|Average temperature||−5 °C|
|Maximum temperature||+89 °C|
|Ethnic groups||Russians, Italiano's, Mobster, Jews, Europeans, Mexicans|
|National Hero(es)||Bear Grylls|
|Established||the day it was formed|
|Currency||Republic Dollar, Twinkies, anything they can find|
|Religion||Church of Mr. T Jesus|
|Major exports||WMDs, Cambodian Children, Refurbished T-55s, and Biological weapons|
|Major imports||American made Jets, Japanese made cars, and Fresh Swedish Air.|
|Intelligence||Ranked just in front of The Ren and Stimpy Show|
|Time zones||As many as France surrendered in wartime.|
|National antagonists||Resistance members and/or the rest of the world.|
|Grand Theft Auto 4, Wanking, Command and Conquer Red Alert 3|
Welcome to Cerveza, officially known as the Socialist Republic of Cerveza That's Partially A Democracy (or SROCTPAD for short) is the insanely wonderful country known to man, machine, and half-human cyborgs.
Although Cerveza is not a first world country and has a pretty low budget, they recently discovered Cervasium which has the power to create just about anything you want. The insanity of this country is so unremarkable it makes Gary Busey look sane. Riots and gunfire are the music of the streets. Some famous rappers even use them as a beat for their music. If Cerveza was a person it would be your lonely friend who always gets in trouble but finds to time to enjoy the little things in life. Like your friend, Cerveza has no allies, enemies, or frienemies even in wartime. The people of Cerveza are described has oppressed, poor (Except for the richer Nolax citizens), and generally unhappy with their way of living in a world full of opportunities, free education, and inexpensive Health services, but Cervasians love their little country more than a fat chick likes chocolate cake. Scroll down to read about a country all about Corruption, War, and strangely similar American themes.
- 1 Historical Stuff
- 2 Wildlife and Geography
- 3 Climate
- 4 Government and Politics
- 5 Perks
- 6 Space Agency and NASA
- 7 Language
- 8 Society and Culture
- 9 Technology and Transport
- 10 Oppression
- 11 2009 Vegan Explosion
- 12 Economy
- 13 Edumacation
- 14 Health
- 15 Military
- 16 The Ten Minute War
- 17 Famous Cities
- 18 Districts
- 19 National Holidays
Old school SROCTPAD was created by a small nomadic tribe called the Cervezalites who traveled between Europe and Asia in search of ripe crops to make "beer" hence the name Cerveza which is Spanish for something. These settlers found a fertile ground and set up shop harvesting the "Buzz" which they believed upon consumption they would reach a god-like trance and would give them an eternal erection. The Cervezalites lived in their own personal promised land of Cerveza and reached a technological advance similar to that of the 22nd century until they created a mixture of Tequila, Vodka, water, and Whiskey called "The Brain Cell Holocaust " which furthered retardified the country until the late 1990s. The first ever recorded game of Beer pong was found in Cerveza near Matix city which further explains how Beer pong was rediscovered in the Western world. Historians and Archaeologists believe that beer pong was accidentally discovered 5,000 years ago and was the official game of Old School Cerveza without the invention the Western world would of never existed and Oktoberfest wouldn't be so fun. 2,000 years ago Cerveza found that the cure for starvation was eating. Instead of keeping this new found discovery Cerveza gave the cure as a gift to Humanity and mankind cherished it until it was challenged in the 2000s with the rapid rise of McDonalds. This was a major breakthrough in human history, and allowed the population to explode and create cities. As in before, 9 out of every 10 ancient humans died from starvation.
In the 1870s Cerveza was ruled by an insane Englishman named William Gravner who was blonde, old, and balding. His breath smelled like rotten milk, his hair smelled like that of a wet dying dog, and his skin was surprisingly not filthy. He became ruler when he accidentally sat on the king of Cerveza's throne because he mistaken it for a toilet and when king Vincent returned to his throne he shouted at William and after a long argument he threw his crown on the floor and stomped on it until it resembled his country. William Gravner, now king, would forever be acne scar in the face of Cerveza as he was incredibly retarded and insane. He would make citizens gossip about famous celebrities and royal figures of the time and give it to various literal" Chatrooms " of the time such as Ye olde TMZ. William Gravner even sold some of his royal family members to prostitution and sex trading. He sold his son to a pedophile for $200 dollars to buy a two-legged horse that was semi-retarded. Gravner had unusual cravings and fetishes, such as wanting to eat pancakes off the back of an Asian midget or yelling at his cats naked outside on the streets. He was eventually killed in the riots of 1893, when he was driving his pet monkey side-kick Han Solo to buy some clothes for him and was hit in the face with a cannon ball, as well as stray musket rounds, and later trampled by rioters. He and his Monkey Han Solo where rushed to the the 19th century equivalent of a hospital where Gravner died of Aids he got from a wife he picked up a few months ago. Former King Vincent, who was standing by the royal palace with a newspaper in hand, heard of what happen to Gravner and returned to the throne. His Monkey side-kick Han Solo wrote a book about their friendship called "Friends with benefits by Han Solo". Han Solo would later help discover the Theory of Banana Relativity. King Vincent burned down the Kings Master Room in the royal palace because he found out that William slept naked.
Wildlife and Geography
SROCTPAD has a fairly diverse range of ecosystems, but majority of it is bombed out wastelands. The tallest mountain in SROCTPAD is Mt. Apulaca which has towers at a staggering 15ft. In 1955 a explorer Kaltek Azerty climbed Mt. Apulaca, making him the first man to climb the mountain and reach the peak alive (though it would be a bitter sweet victory as he sacrificed his Asian friend Kyoto Hondacivic and had to amputate his left foot). The Vostok lake which runs through many of the towns and farms and is the the site of the first hangover in human history. The Northern Cervasian forest houses the infamous Tequila Tree and is the site of the infamous 1984 Minerova Nuclear Disaster which had morphed the local forest flora into flesh-eating monsters. The main ecosystem, the arid deserts, is known for its various militia outposts and roaming Land Pirates that raid lost RVs. The Deserts where made popular when Bear Grylls traveled through them, surviving off urine and fighting Land Pirates at the same time. There is a particular area around the Kazakastani-Cervasian border called the Land of the Lost, which is an arid desert full of (wait for it) roving Land Pirates and militia outposts. Bear Grylls officially mapped the Land of the Lost area on the back of used napkin from KFC. Majority of the Cervasian landscape is barren wasteland from the The Great War and contains remnants of the once prominent forests that once stood there, but life continues to live on in the wastelands of Cerveza.
SROCTPAD has some of the most unique wildlife on the planet. In the Northern region are the spawning grounds for the strange Deathfrom Abovius or Flying Scorpion. There are three types of bears that live in Cerveza the Brown Bear, The Blue Bear, and The Gummy Bear. The Gummy Bear is currently on the endangered species list as it is being eaten to extinction by the local populace. Another creature who's called the Snooki (Latin: filthy whore which means filthy whore) has been recently sighted in the flesh-eating forest with camera crews as its been 2 years since the last New Jersian went extinct. Scientist believe they might be able to bring the New Jersians back with some thirteen-year olds. Cerveza's national animal is the Landshark whose only known survivor is Bear Grylls. The Arid desert is home to the ferocious man-eating turtle which has a top speed of 5 inches per hour and has only killed two people since it was discovered in the year 1799.
The local Sasquatch population have been protesting for equal rights. Premier Niko Bellic addressed the Sasquatch people on Capital Tower that he will add a perk to allow Sasquatches to roam free and abolish Sasquatch-only districts. The Sasquatches have been waiting for years to be accepted into society ever since Dr Martin Yeti King first said his speech on Capital Tower over twenty years ago.
The many climates of SROCTPAD is slightly different for example instead of scorching summer heats its scorching winters. In some parts of the country the sun will be up and its still dark. This is called blood night or " Death " in the native language as small flying carnivorous scorpions attack anything that stupid enough to move in the dark such as You. There are five different seasons Winter, Summer, Jump, Jim Carrey, and Spring 2. 0.
Summer starts in April 1st and ends whenever it feels like ending. Summer is the time to put on flip-flops and head to the beaches in other countries, but over here its a different story. The heat is so intense it melts solid 100mm lead bricks, turning it into a popular snack called Lead Cream. Flying tigers usually mate around this season because the heat really gets things on.
Winter starts in ? and ends on Columbus day. No one knows for sure how Winter starts, not even scientist. Some radicals say that the Earth spins in an elliptical orbit and when it is farthest from the sun, winter starts. Mainstream Cervasian science refused to accept this theory, and came up with an idea that cold stuff appears from the sky and lands on the earth, causing winter.
The total opposite of Fall. Leaves turn greener and head back inside because Jim Carrey is going to replace the sun!
Jim Carrey replaces the sun and makes hilarious facial expressions and looks retarded.
Spring 2. 0
Unlike the pansy little spring western cultures is used too. This spring is like an action movie! . Terminators bloom, Jesus finally updates his Facebook page after a week, and automatic machine guns blossom. Spring 2. 0 begins when The Expendables 2 comes out and ends on Chuck Norris's birthday. Note:if are you planning on visiting the country during spring, be warned, it is like Compton during the 1990s.
Despite all this SROCTPAD as the lowest death rate of any country.
Government and Politics
The Government is simple. One person is the leader and three other people are elected to make sure he does what he is supposed to do, like bring the country into economic collapse and being a corrupted politician. The Cervasian government is split into three branches: the Legends branch, the Blue Sharks branch, and the Incredibly Cool Mr. Slick branch. Each one handles a certain task too complicated for human minds and they spend years of studying to join. The Legends party focuses on the economy good, the Blue Sharks are tasked with maintaining the army and making sure China doesn't do anything fishy, and the Incredibly Cool Mr. Slick branch is there for anybody who feels cool and incredibly slick. Since it is too complicated for human minds most of the politicians are sentient computers. As of right now The leader is Niko Bellic who at any moment could get bat fuck insane and launch nukes at US.
In order to become Premier candidates must enter the show called Cerveza's Next Top Premier, where voters will decide who becomes SOCTPAD's newest Premier for 6 years. 20 candidates go through rigorous tests and courses like the nuclear war simulation, terrorist attack and reading a book at a kindergarten class during a Russian Invasion. Once 3 candidates are left it is sudden death, and they are bombarded by mock media coverage to create a campaign to persuade voters to vote for them. Once the votes hit the ballot 3 judges choose the new Premier. Once elected, the new Premier will help the poor, rebuild the infrastructure, and re-educate the educationless (just kidding there going to by 32-private jets and the talk about the false hope of change yeah Obama I'm talking to you!) and stuff like that.
Foriegn Foreign Policy
Cerveza has a simple Take No For An Answer policy. If all the cool countries do it then so should we. Just like you when you where in Middle school. Unlike you Cerveza has a secret Foreign Policy to make sure there are no cool countries to begin with! Though Cerveza is a small country, it has been secretly running the world since 1939. WW2, The Cold War, the JFK assassination, Lady Gaga, The PSN shutdown of 2011, and even OMG/LOL/STFU/GTFO/BAMF/WTF has all been caused by SROCTPAD. It is because Cerveza has been living a double life secretly as the Illuminati, like you with your furry friends They control the world by making the world look like a bleak dystopia or starting a spark on gasoline to further raise false awareness and stupid protests. Examples- were there really WMDs in Iraq or is American Idol only popular with Simon Cowell, what about Global Warming and how you bought a Prius...did it help stop global warming?
Perks are given to citizens when they achieve a rank of lvl 5 and serve the purpose of granting certain freedoms and abilities to their users. Perks range from Voting, Free Speech, Freedom of Religion, and the ability to get away with murder. Perks can be upgraded for Pro Perks which grant their users extended abilities, for example voting rights, which allows you to vote for government officials. When upgraded they can now be invisible on radar or thermal scopes.
Space Agency and NASA
The Cervasian government has recently funded a space agency in hopes of being the first country to set foot on The Sun after they that heard China was going to do the same thing. The Space Agency has many projects that amaze many generations of Cervasians young and old. From the early days of the space race to modern age Cerveza was always known for reaching great heights with low budget, such as Project:Zeus which required a large sum of tax payer money to put 5 M-80s (and a backup just in case) on a toy rocket from Target with a video phone in hopes that they launch it to Jupiter someday. Luckily the project was a huge success. It was a symbol of Cervasian might for a long time, until it crashed on a orphanage, killing 18 people. Another organization called NASA was launched on March 13th, 2003 at the height of the American war between SROCTPAD and the US. NASA stands for National Association of Secret Assassins. It was established in hopes of combating Terrorist leader Donald Trump who wanted to turn the whole world into one giant America called the United States of Earth (USE).
Do you remember that time in Middle school you and your chubby friend created a language so you guys could look at dirty magazines? Well, thats how Cerveza's language was formed. Cervasian language has a mixture of alphabets and symbols to pronounce words and sentences to communicate with other people. Each letter was invented with a purpose of translating a vocal noise into a written word in order to communicate with people until 2009 when everything became voice-activated. Common Cervasian words were designed to represent common household phrases, such as annass, which translates to "That dumbass kid/person who talks to much in school" or oldhag, which translates to "Goddammit Grandma drink your Prune Juice already". These quick words are called symbols and are used for quick identification as well as to help shorten sentences. Letters and Symbols would be used like this-- Hey would like to buy some candy from @. which means "Hey, would you like to rob a bank and blame it on that dumbass kid who talks a lot in school?"
The Cervasian alphabet is very different from the western alphabet and often westerners have trouble understanding the language.
- ABCDEFGHIGJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ vs.
Notice how the YZ order is changed to ZY.
If you ever visit Cerveza you must never repeat never ever ever say this word in Cerveza: Hi. This word may sound innocent to you but to Cervasians it means that you'll rape their children and hide their TV remote. The word hi is actually a symbol "Hi" which translates to "I'll rape your children and hide your remote you sick bastard." Cerveza has no concept of the letter "C"; instead it uses just another "K". This was enforced by the ancient Cervezalites to make their country is more unique and badass. A typical Cervasian sentences goes like this: "Kan you kall all the katz to kum play in my kabinet?" Notice how much more cooler that is than with just Cs (anything with Cerveza in it doesn't count as long as it makes a "See" sound). Naming is also different in Cerveza, such as Mikekall or Karles. Another popular naming convention is replacing the lettering of the name with similar sounding letters such as ex:Alexsandr for males and ex: Alecsandra for females. Among the cool sounding first names Cervasians have badass surnames such as Bornsteller, Prospektor, Jakovs, or Deathmaster562 (notice Cervasians can bend the rules and still use C's in case of names).
Society and Culture
The Cervasian society is often described as being somewhere between 1984 and Idiocracy. Cervasian society, although brutal and horrific, is full of life and culture and urban sprawls, reminiscent of the mega-city from the Matrix. Cerveza is known for its heavy drinking (obviously) as they produce thousands of gallons of Cerveza, a very popular Cervasian adult/child beverage that is sweeping the nation. Cerveza is made from the finest ingredients on Earth, 50% sewer water, 30% lard, and 20% rubbing alcohol. Cerveza (the drink) has kept its same ingredients ever since the first Cervezalites set foot on the great nation. Premier Minerva who was visiting the wonderful country of America compared it to American made beer, where she described it as " watery" and "greasy". America officially listed the Republic of Cerveza as a member of the Axis of Evil.
Cerveza has some of the coolest Sports such as the annual Running of the Tigers. Cerveza stoled it from Spain and made it cooler by strapping all the bystanders with fresh steak and releasing Tigers who haven't eaten in two days into the public. This event is celebrated in honor of St. J Knoxville, who attempted to defy the Oppressive Eastern Cervezalite Government and was punished by getting chased by hungry tigers through the streets of Nolax city. For reasons unknown he survived the tigers and instilled fear into his enemies. From that day on thousands of Cervasians would attempt this incredible feat. Among the many cool things Cerveza does, there is one that brings many, many tourists and hipsters to one place for seven days of pure partying, drinking and accidental virginity-losing. It's called Roktobey Fest. The holiday celebrates the death of King William Gravner. SROCTPAD keeping its military tradition has allowed on and off duty armed military units in the streets because who wouldn't want to see tanks run over your annoying neighbors' brand new car. It's also very respectful if you allow soldiers to live in your house and tell stories of war without the old age something every little kid dreams about. Plus it would make toy army battles a lot cooler with the real explosives.
Cervasian cars have the steering wheel on the left backseat because Europe already took the right front seat and how they see the road is a mystery. Unlike other Middle Eastern countries who laugh at the idea of female rights SROCTPAD allows women to be like women from the West with the Equal Rights Perk and when upgraded to Equal Rights Pro women will be eligible to run for Premier. In Oppressive Cerveza "PROPAGANDA READS YOU!!" Yes, SROCTPAD employs its own form of propaganda that blasts the human mind with subliminal messages. A single poster can manipulate any person regardless of their intelligence levels, but unlike 1940's era dystopian Cervasian Propaganda has good intentions. If you look to your lower left you see a poster of a female with the words Revolution Army or something like that. You thinks its sending a message to join the Revolution Army because there's hot chicks, but in actuality its just says Revolution Army and a soviet style layout to inform you that there is a thing called the Revolution army. If you should come in contact with a local Revolutionary enlistment center you should recall that moment you saw the poster and join.
The early Cervasians have mastered the art of television and it is considered holy or godlike to watch T. V. It states in the holy Cervasian Bible that God created the T. V because he was bored, but since angels suck at acting he created the first humans and starred them in a reality T. V show called Adam and Eve The show was canceled on its tenth season when actress Eve was found pregnant with the entire human race. A very popular Cervasian animated show called Family Man. It is about a middle-class Freedom City family and, like many other Cervasian shows, features absolutely no plot and replaces it with random sequences of cut-aways.
Technology and Transport
Cerveza is well-known for having the most advanced technology of the world. These include the pump-action shaver which shaves at 1, 000 hairs per pump, or the remote control controller which is a remote controller for your remote controller in case you feel to tired to grab the remote from the other side of the couch. This would all be nothing without the discovery of Novanium, a pure energy crystal found largely in the Republic of Cerveza. Without Novanium Cerveza would still be the war torn, poverty stricken, and its children would be profit for the International Child Fund. But since Cerveza still has all those things it doesn't really matter. One great technological advance was the Incredibly Expensive Mega Madron Collider which runs through the Cerveza-Uzbekistani border. It fires atoms 300 times the speed of light for some reason because scientist get bored looking at the sky waiting for something to happen. Since its creation the IEMHC has found the "Allah particle" which does absolutely nothing and has no purpose in the universe. Cerveza with all its glory had switched to Novanium-fueled cars in the early 1990's bringing about a new era of pollution-free air, but it was kept a secret until 2007 when some tourists noticed there were no gas stations, or gas tanks for that matter. Nolax City International Airport has recently upgraded its fleet of of 747s to withstand Surface-to-Air missiles and Flak rounds when flying over guerrilla-controlled areas to further minimize crew and passenger deaths.
The Republic of Cerveza has a trans-national highway that runs through the nation in means of transporting goods and product. It is a very dangerous highway that was built in the 1920s and if the road doesn't kill the land pirates will. The City of Novorobrisk recently added railroad tracks that will connect the poorer southern border to the richer eastern border, in hopes it would get more tourism, but accidentally the railroad went through the Cervasian University of Kalingrad which means that students have to wait until the train passes so they can attend their next lecture on Trekology. The Cervasian government has allowed free emigration between the two states in order to boost up tourism. The Trans-National Highway is commonly used by truckers as a quick route to access to the entire country. The poor infrastructural condition of the road, however, has previously resulted in a massive economic collapses, such as The Great Straw Shortage of 1972 or The Second Chicken McNugget Shortage.
Living in Cerveza is a hard time for many Cervasian citizens who are constantly warding off rebel groups, supplies as rare as In & Out, and a government with a leash so tight it could be considered foreplay. Basic human needs such as daily dosages of X-box Live gameplay and Mountain Dew are rare. Some districts even began using Twinkies or paper with dollars signs as a new form of currency because real money is a rare commodity in those regions.
Many Resistance groups exist within SROCTPAD. Many of these groups fight for the right to attend public pools all-year long instead of the usual summer-only attendance. Cervasians without the Free Will Perk are the lowest members of Cervasian society and are often persecuted and watched by the government, because you never know when some random guy decides to makes fun of your Glorious Premier of the Brotherland. Propaganda is very important part of Cervasian life. School children are often design the propaganda during school where they sell it to the Government. In return their families get the "Slightly Free Will Perk".
Unfortunately the government banned the Internet from Cerveza deeming it morally wrong and Internet Memes are only funny for a couple of days. It banned websites such as 5chan, Unicyclopedia, Cornhub and Fecebook (but surprisingly not Youtube). A group of hippy college students who will do anything for attention protested outside of Nolax City Resistance College when government officials were visiting the annual cheerleader competition. They were dealt with swiftly when three divisions of Tanks blasted them to smithereens because Premier Bellic's life was endangered. The Media was outraged when they heard what happened but couldn't do anything because they enjoy living. A few months later a couple of teens protested (seriously kids have nothing else to do) outside of Capital Tower and where never seen again. A few years later 13 college "kids" were arrested and sentenced with capital punishment for showing some teachers a picture on Fecebook, but only 6 of them where arrested for not having the "Internet Perk" or "Get-Out-of-Jail-Free Perk". The Cervasian government came out of the closet and said, "Well frankly we just don't care, and we don't negotiate with terrorists."
2009 Vegan Explosion
The Republic of Cerveza has always been a meat-eating country, and will always be until humanity reaches God level and rules over primitive aliens like some Tyrant God. In early 21st century a large amount of Vegans immigrated from Wherethefuckistan and set up shop. Cervasian Officials where so kind as to greet them and let the little leaf-eaters stay for a while until they got back on their feet. Until they overstayed their welcome of five years like your Uncle Philip. The Cervasian Meat Industry was impacted and was losing valuable consumers, so they started placing Vegan friendly items on their menus. Sadly Poison Ivy and hemp leafs don't count as salad. With the threat of extinction, the meat industry's greatest minds came up with an idea called Operation:Go Brown. Every shipping company would send green dyed pieces of meat products to Vegan food companies such as Kentucky Fried Celery. The plan worked for five weeks until someone accidentally washed a piece of the green meat and realized it was bacon, and all hell broke loose. Riots raged from every city center and overwhelmed the local law enforcement. They had to call in the Cervasian International Guard and used excessive force. The Government ordered all meat loving citizens to thrash all the Vegan food chains in Cerveza. The riot lasted for about a week. The Cervasian Government even set curfews on drinking soy milk after 6:00 AM. Then one day the Vegans organized and substituted The Cervasians as genocidal Nazis who need to be exterminated. They faked images of cervasians mutilating cattle and eating over-sized burgers to PETA. Not the cool " People Enjoying Tasty Animals", the uncool one. Outraged PETA supplied the Vegans in Cerveza with weapons of peaceful destruction. The Vegans protested outside of Capital Tower in Nolax. The Cervasian Premier Niko Bellic signed the bill and ordered all Cervasian Vegans to a relocation center called District 9. For months the Vegans lived in prosperity, but Niko Bellic hated the Vegans with a hate that would make AM love all things. He ordered the Department of Defense to create a deterrent that would cut off their fuel source...plants and shipping companies.
Cerveza used one of the greatest military strategies in the history of mankind by using a simple Smog Cloud that they got from California to block out The Sun, thus destroying their enemy's food source. As a bonus it made the Vegans turn to the last food source available to them: each other. Though the Vegans weren't stopped by the destruction of the sky (they used sun lamps to keep their plants alive), that was only phase one of the plan. Cerveza then ordered a military blockade around the district and sent 15,000 troops into the District to mop up any form resistance as a final solution. They wanted to launch an all-out war against the Vegans, but since it was just a diet trend that all the stay-at home moms where doing, Cerveza and the Vegans came to a truce and everybody lived peacefully. LOL just kidding the Cervasian soldiers wiped them all out and dumped their bodies in a ditch. Hey at least they didn't waste any bodies. Some lions got a good meal.
The Socialist Republic of Cerveza That's Partially a Democracy has a glorious communist-capitalist mixed economy, which is fueled by scarce natural resources (except Novanium), a poorly-developed infrastructure, and high productivity of selling transformer merchandise. According to the International Monetary Fund (IMF) database , the SROCTPAD Dollar is equivalent to 15 USD. 1 dollar constitutes 22% of the world's net product at market exchange rates and over 9000% of the world's sexual products. Though larger than any other nation's, its national income was about 50% lesser at PPP in 2011 than the European Union, whose population is around 62% more hairy and gay then much of the world. The country ranks 21st in the world in nominal GDP per capita and 1st in TDM (Team Deathmatch) when the United Nations plays Call of Duty, which brings the GDP to about 5,000 more dollars if you beat Russia and United States in the same match. The Cervasian Republic dollar is the world's primary currency because it is so cheaply made. The Department of Money and Defense President Eric Cartman has created a plan to increase the government salary someday. The Republic of Cerveza is the number one seller of Novanium, and one day they will start WW3 and bring the West and the East to their knees.
Eduma.... Education of SROCTPAD is the
highest best in all of the world as most of the young intellectuals such as Bill Gates, Ted Turner, Jimbo Wales and Gandhi all trace their heritage to this fine country, AMERI...CERVEZA. Premier Niko Bellic even holds a national essay writing contest for children ages 1-25 which can be about anything. The winner gets a season pass to Universal Studios. Here is an excerpt from a winner of the 2011 writing contest.
Teh day THat 1 got
aidslaidz. LOL buy TONY
gayday 1 went 2 da PARK. A Gurl luuked at me she said " Hello" I Sa1d " WANNA HAZ SECKS ALLCAPS MUTHAFUCKA! ! ! ! ! " and she said "WHY NOT " and weed did secks behind a Trash BIN LADEN 3 t! m3s and th3n I frogot the rest. The next Murnin I wok UP and got funny feelin in my shortz and I went 2 teh DOCTA Heimlernazifag who I think is gey and and he told me to hop in his van that was white and he said where going sum where speciale and gave me some thing called KNOCKOUTGAS which I think iz spanish for medicine?I DUNNO? then I woke up with a twelve dollars on my chest and a fat guy dressed like Batman hopped out teh window on the third floor and went I to Arbys with my new Gurlfreind Rapebuddyumm Boyfriend. TEH END. ROFL LMAO Rob Schneider.
To this day The Day That I Got Laid is the second most printed book in human history (the first one being The Gangsta Bible). It was made into a 5-star feature film starring Bruce Willis and Angelina Jolie, and won 32 Oscars or Mikeys or whatever.
Education in Cerveza is free. One requires no perks to enroll in a school. Children begin school in Kindergarten and move on to Elementary. From there they skip middle school because of embarrassing puberty and go on too High School. If they succeed in school they can join a University such as the University of Kalifornia, New Angeles(UKNA) where they can get a degree in just about anything. Upon completion of college they receive a rank which decides their future. They can either take the blue pill and continue with their lives, or take the red pill and live forever in the University as a professor. Once they choose their future they receive 3 perks of their choice, $23,000 bonus cash, and a brand new Lamborghini because with Cerveza anything is possible.
In 2004, many educational leaders visited SROCTPAD by the order of the United Nations to rank the country's average IQ level. It was ranked 100th, just under Texas, and barely behind The Ren and Stimpy show which isn't even a country. By the orders of Premier Bellic and the Director of the Department of Education and Defense, Eric Cartman met the Chinese Reader/President/Emperor/CEO Jackie Chan to annually trade off students for newer and better Chinese students until the DoEaD found the source of all this retardation. Online chatrooms with older women was found to be the cause, and were shut down by the Department of Education and Defense officials. However, the Cervasian people are not stupid as their Western counter-parts and have made great strides in science and math. Such as the invention of a new shape called the "Sphereangle". Supposedly it can tell what the meaning of life is.
The World Health Organization and NATO met Premier Bellic at Capital Tower. He was ordered to give the country more health opportunitiesn or be relieved of his duties and hand them over to NATO. WHO pathologists found 30 deadly diseases such as Ebola in a 10ml sample of water provided at the meeting. Disgusted by this they immediately left the country before the meeting commenced. The Department of Health and Defense President Eric Cartman stated in a memo to the president of WHO, "We searched all our files and found only 1 case of Ebola and 2 cases of Aids back in 1892. What you talking about?"
SROCTPAD, surprisingly, has a free Medical insurance for all its citizens, but people can gain better medical advantages with the Life Insurance Perk. A problem with the various hospitals is that not many Cervasians can reach them on time. Primarily because they have to go through the various gangs and rogue police troopers, and have to hire an escort to get them across town. Then they have to wait at least thirty minutes in line at a hospital while rifling through magazines older than Betty White. SROCTPAD has created an array of quarantine and disease control such as vaccinating children at birth, isolation of infected individuals, and advancements of medical treatments that have effectively ended the threat of diseases except for the dreaded "Common Cold" which had taken lives of so many innocent people on 9-12. Desperate, the Cervasian Department of Health and Defense tried to eliminate the cause of the common cold by killing rhinos. The Common Cold has brought the Cervasian Government to the point of starting the War on Germs by invading their home country of Germany.
The Cervasian Military is divided into 6 different groups with different agendas on how to kill. The Cervasian Marine Force, who are the ground elements of the Navy and are badass, The Cervasian Navy, who are the water elements of the Marine Force and keep the waters safe for Cerveza (Which is weird, because Mainland Cerveza isn't even bordered by any oceans or lakes), The Cervasian Valiant Army who are marines that are hydrophobic, The Cervasian Air Corps, who keep the skies clean of Taliban Fighter Pilots, and The Cervasian Salvation Coast Guard, who collect toys in the middle of the ocean. Military service is not voluntary, though conscription may occur in wartime through the Join or Die program when SROCTPAD starts World War 3. Cervasian forces can be rapidly deployed by the Air Corp's large fleet of transport aircraft, the Navy's eleven active aircraft carriers, and Marine Expeditionary Force, who can be deployed in 15 minutes or less. The military operates 867 bases and facilities abroad, and maintains forces in 25 foreign countries ( and secretly controls the inner workings of their host countries like some kind of parasite that wants total control.) The extent of this global military presence has prompted some scholars to describe the Republic of Cerveza as maintaining an "Command and Conquer strategy". They use these guns.
Nah, I'm just playing. They use these:
Military recruitment is not mandatory, but it is required if you want to get to vote quicker. Citizens may join the Military at age 17 for males, age 18 for Females, and age 35 for Shemales and Rosie O'Donnell. All participants can join a non-combat role or just go straight for the combat for approx. 7 years where they are granted a body bag, a medal, or both. The Cervasian military has a strict Code of Conduct for regulating combat in foreign countries. If one fails to follow code they are sent to work at a Chuck E. Cheese for 2-3 years with no pay.
- I: Thou shall scream get to choppa! when encountering a helicopter.
- II: Thou shall call in an airstrike on every mission.
- III: Thou shall fire from the hip.
- IV: Thou shall have FOLLOW hovering over their head.
- V: Thou should call the U. S when encountering light enemy forces.
- VI: Thou shall send grunts first into combat.
Cervasian soldiers, a valiant and drunken force, use advance tactics to neutralize targets before Access Hollywood comes back from commercials. Cervasian soldiers got a taste of terrorism for the first time during the Nolax '04 Children olympics when 3 Iranian terrorists captured a 3-year old Israeli olympian. The Cervasians responded by sending in forty-five soldiers and proceeded to give the Iranian a few more breathing holes. As for the kid, he was so terrified his diaper became a biological weapon and HAZMAT units arrived to clean up the mess. A few days later an Iranian terrorist flew a plane into a building of 300 people and only killed himself. Facing embarrassment from the international community SROCTPAD invaded Iran and has captured the terrorist leader responsible for the inhumane acts and for some reason are still currently stationed there.
The Ten Minute War
On December 31st, 1999 at 6:20 A.M., two armored divisions were stationed at Marzopion square near the Eastern border. Two soldiers from the Second Division were telling Yo Mama jokes until one of them won with the "Yo Mama so stupid she brought a gun to a knife fight and lost" joke and he fired his assault rifle into the air. Since Cervasian soldiers weren't equipped with night vision, the First Armored Division interpreted it as enemy fire and they returned fire. The Second Division then immediately fired back. The First Division radioed the Second Division for assistance but they couldn't because they were pinned down by "enemy fire". They continued to engage each other until the First Division requested air strikes on the Second Division. Then the Second Division requested back-up from Alpha Company who had anti-air platforms. Already 3 minutes into the war 40 men died. Then the First Division radioed High Command for more troops. High Command interpreted this as the mother of all wars and ordered the entire Cervasian Military, even the Second Armored Division and Alpha Company, to engage hostiles which were Second Division and Alpha Company. The Cervasian Government then went defcon 3 which stands for "Almost screwed". 6 minutes into the war 950 soldiers died. Military Generals went bat fuck insane because they didn't know who was attacking so they wrote down a couple of enemies such as the Soviet Union, Iran, France, and even Aliens.
Under orders from Premier Max Fightmaster, who was playing Space Invaders at the time, launched 500 Tactical War-Heads towards Alpha Centuri and Zeta Reticuli. Then 10 minutes into the war High Command carpet bombed the battle. The remaining soldiers continued to engage each other until the sun came out and notice how the bad guys had the same guns and uniform as them. Hugely confused High Command investigated how the war started. He found out it all started because First Division wasn't even supposed to be part of the question! They where supposed be on duty the following day January 1st 2000. 1st Armored Division Commander Daniel Weaver was questioned why they were stationed at Marzopion Square. Cmdr Weaver stated that they where just following orders and the electronic calendar which tells the officers when to go on duty malfunctioned and clearly stated that 1st division was going on duty December 32nd 1999, and Cmdr. Weaver thought it meant December 31st 1999 because you know computers never lie. The Ten Minute War cost the lives of 1,001 soldiers and any evidence that E.T. exists further destroying the dreams of intergalactic battles. When the U.N. asked what happened Cerveza replied with, "We were testing weather balloons that happened to impact 20 C-130s filled with soldiers."
There are 250 different cities, each one with its own atmosphere and people. All 250 cities look exactly like Detroit. This silly little mistake was caused by budget cuts so the Cervasian government decided on modeling there cities from the cheapest things such as Detroit and Michigan. Since we can't name them all we picked the ones you liked best on the survey.
A densely crowded urban sprawl with large amounts of pollution, not a place if you're not into that Corrupted Corporation scheme, toxic doesn't even begin to describe the atrocities that take place there... Wal-Mart owned public restrooms. Little is known about Pharm's early history as The Cervasian government burnt all their early records during a "Political Party". Unlike the rest of the country, Pharm has one of the highest crime rates than any other city in the entire country. It's like a Mad Max sequel except without all the kinky bondage gear. At one point in time the police were so desperate they built a 100ft wall around the ghettos. To this day everyone in the ghetto believes nothing lives beyond the wall and they are the last remnants of human kind. Pharm is known to have the highest population in Cerveza of 5,000,000 people.
Nolax is the crown jewel of SROCTPAD. Located in the State of Novan, its prestigious hotels that line the streets, beautiful sunsets, even the crime tends to be classy and George Clooney-ish. Nolax is the heart of Cervasian power and the symbol of Cervasia. It will continue to destroy all of the world's super powers and to conquer the Earth LONG LIVE CERVEZA, LONG LIVE THE ALMIGHTY PREMIER, FOR THE BROTHERLAND, GOOD NIGHT DETROIT!. The capital of Cerveza home to some renowned people like King Vincent,
King Gravner, King Asperger, King Ivan the Awesome, Premier Premier Minerva, Premier Max Fightmaster, Premier Bornsteller, and Premier Bellic, all stayed at Capital Tower on 7309 Capital Ave and have medium-light security patrols guarding the Premier's Masteroom, and the 15-megaton NOVAK missile codes are under his pillow, and--sorry, I gave you too much information. The capital of SROCTPAD, this is where all the important decisions are made when the politicians aren't acting like frat boys. (P.S. When a politician stands on a podium to give a speech they're secretly getting a blowjob from an Asian hooker.)
If you've watched any sci-fi movie from 1980-1997 starring Arnold Schwarzenegger or Sylvester Stallone, New Angeles looks like it. The bustling City of New Angeles is fairly new to the Cervasian game as it was established in 1989 by a rich prospector after he was banished from Los Angeles for accidentally creating smog and ruining the skies of L.A. forever. Once banished the man set out to create a Los Angeles of his own design, but since he didn't have enough money he was forced to model the city after Detroit.
Freedom city is a "Get Rich Quick" city. The Russian Mob and Italian Mobs have also took part of this motto. If you like Russia and Italy, take a walk down famous Little Russia where you could get a hand made AK-47 and some vodka or check out the local Russian hookers all for a total price of $20 dollars. If you don't like the smell of Vodka and communism check out little Italia where a handmade pizza can be yours by world's famous pizza maker Luigi Italianstereotypa. If you don't find pizza fascinating walk down the street and you can find a wife yelling at her husband from a two-story apartment with extensive use of hand gestures. If you find these sub-human cultures not interesting you can always check out the rest of the city and all its glamour.
Matix city is the Las Vegas of SROCTPAD. Cheap women and expensive casinos is the Matix Life. Did you know, if you visit Matix city today, you'll receive a free $5 coupon to stay at a world class hotel and casino penthouse for 1 night? Sadly the total income of the city is about 5 000 pennies which is like 50 dollars which is why the city only has like three enter-able buildings. The rest are props. Matix city is also known for its world famous Red-Light districts.
Districts are the unnamed cities or sections of the country that are too complicated to handle with peaceful and sane laws. The government blocked them from the rest of the world with an anti-escape wall that surrounds them. There are 17 distinct districts in Cerveza. Districts 1-5 are poor, Districts 6-8 are rich, Districts 9-10 are full of aliens and Africans and Districts 11-17, well, they all belong to Wal-Mart. Districts are known to be favorite tourist destinations, mainly for the cheap liquor. Do note that trying to move through the areas between districts 9-17 is dangerous. It is advised that you bring a large number of friends or a shotgun because Land Pirates in Pontiacs will chase you down and rob you of all your belongings. They will then capture you and feed you to sand sharks for laughs.
SROCTPAD has many holidays ranging from the normal to the abnormal to the WTF.
- New Year (January 1st) - Celebrate a special time to get drunk and watch porn well your parents party at your Aunts house!
- Wearyourpantsonyourhead - Wear your pants on top of your head. (Note that it is just here to see who actually tries it.)
- Survive - Horde supplies and survive from ferocious animals for 24 hours.
- Kill A Vegan Day - Hunt down vegans.
- Judgment Day - Hide and ward off Terminators.
- Roktober Fest - Seven days of endless parties.
- Warfare Appreciation Day - Go around town with an assault rifle unloading a few clips on people with friends and family.
- Undead Clown Day - A testament to those who died on the 7th Zombie clown outbreak.
- St Petrov Day - A day to wear red and get pinched with sickles and hammers.
- Grandparents' Day Off - Your grandparents are your masters for a day. Now cater to there every whim!
- UFO and Cryptid Awareness Week - Go on, buy Bigfoot some size 70 sneakers, or let the little green men probe just once more.
- Opposite Day - Everybody does the opposite of what they did the other day, like breathing.
- Homer Day - Celebration of guys who look like Homer Simpson
- Act like a Retard - Act Like a Retard.
- Holocaust Survivors Day - Germans beware!
- Niko Bellic's Birthday - Steal cars, rob prostitutes, and spawn cars from a phone.
- Hobo Day - Act and dress like a disease-ridden drunk.
- Christmas - Ask a guy who totally is real for expensive stuff.
- Some Muslim day - Act like a Muslim and DO blow up towers!
- Act Like a Hindu - Work at 7-11, don't eat hamburgers, and don't harm cows.
- Jewish Day - Steal people's cologne and work at a bank.
- Father's Day - Act like your dad. Oh wait you don't have a dad.
- Mother's Day - Act like your mum and nag your children to death.
- Soldier Appreciation Day - Appreciate your fellow servicemen who commit genocide!
- Running of the Tigers - Exactly like Spain's running of the bulls except with tigers. And much, much more cooler.
- Cerveza Day - An annual party that consists of street parties, booze, and stupid things like lighting a trailer on fire and driving it into a gas station. It's like one giant Frat Party that went wild and consumed the entire nation.
- Cervasian Independence Day - Honouring the freedom of SROCTPAD after the brave men who pushed back the invading Ugandan forces.