Red Teacup

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Red Teacup

Captain Teacup is shown here riding in his world-class ship the HMS Hellfire Teacup. Of coarse this was probably just a hallucination from from drinking a mixture of Seawater laced with LSD

Character Details
Name Red Teacup
Formal Name Captain Red Teacup
Other Titles Captain Teacup
Famous Motto(s) "Drink 'till yer sober!", "Aye!", "I'll sell it back to ya"
Favorite Hobbies Sailing, Drinking, Gambling, Drug Experimentation
Nickname(s) The Red Baron, Mr Red, Dr Feelgood, Red, Tea, Red Tea, you f*cking drunk, The Red captain, The "Aye" man, The Mad Hatter, The Had Matter
Aliases Jacques Von Grimhearse
Species Human-ish
Age 28
Gender Male
Date of birth 142 5th age
Date of death Tomorrow
Length 6 inches without excitement, 8 with semi excitement, Rumors by CrushTheKing based on the lumbridge bird snare exprirement say 12 inches is his maximum, but there's no way to tell unless he gets some physical evidence
Starsign Sagittarius
Occupation Ship Captain, Drug Dealer, Professional Gambler, and Thief
Family (Deceased)
Spouse Which one?
Children (Sold)
Relatives (Deceased)
Address 7713 Port Saram drive, Rimmington, Asgarnia
Religion Zamorakian/Buddhist
Nationality Union Jack.JPGHalluci Nation IslanderUnion Jack.JPG

This article is about the presumably Union Jack.JPGBritish explorerUnion Jack.JPG. For other uses, see Red Teacup (disambiguation).

Captain Red Teacup was a British explorer, navigator, alcoholic, drug dealer, and a real storyteller, ultimately rising to the rank of Captain in the Royal Navy. Red Teacup was the first to map The Eastern Lands {Notice picture at bottom of page} prior to making three voyages to the Eastern Ocean during which he achieved the first Asgarnian contact with the coastline of Eastern Islands as well as the first recorded circumnavigation of Gielinor.[yeah, right]

Red Teacup joined the British merchant navy as a teenager[Original Bullshit] and joined the Royal Navy in the year 158 5th age. He saw action in the Varrockian War, and subsequently surveyed and mapped much of the entrance to the River Lum during the siege of Al-kharid. This allowed General CrushTheKing to make his famous stealth attack on Shantays' Pass, meanwhile Red Teacup also used his ship to trade illegal substances from other lands to make large sums of gold, and help fuel his country's economy giving them great financial advantages over most countries. This helped to bring Red Teacup to the attention of the Admiralty and Royal Society in Port Saram. This notice came at a crucial moment both in his personal career and in the direction of British overseas exploration, and led to his commission in 162 5th age as commander of HMS Hellfire Teacup for the first of three Eastern voyages.

Red Teacup (being the father of the word Neocolonialism) charted many areas and recorded several islands and coastlines on Eastern maps for the first time, and posted videos of them on YouTube. His achievements can be attributed to a combination of seamanship, superior surveying and cartographic skills, courage in exploring dangerous locations to confirm the facts (for example Sailing towards the uncharted eastern-end of the map on a drunken rampage), an ability to lead men in adverse conditions by scaring the hell out of them with threats of blowing up the ship if they didn't do what he wanted, and boldness both with regard to the extent of his explorations and his willingness to exceed the instructions given to him by his own imagination.[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]

Red Teacup still to this day imports strange hallucinogenic substances from unknown lands that he absolutely refuses to tell anyone about, and then sells them at semi-reasonable prices on the streets of every RuneScape city.

Red Teacup is very self-reliant.



Early life[edit]

/\ Woah, it's him!

Teacup was born in the village of Edgville in Miscilania, today a suburb belonging to the town of Varrock.[Saw it on the discovery channel] He was baptized in the local church of Zamorak where today his name can be seen in the church written in blood on the walls. Teacup was the second of eight children of Lord Humfrey, a mentally ill drug addict, and his locally born wife Amanda Hugenkiss from Lumbridge.[I Don't Believe This][Never Heard of This] In 148 5th age, his family moved to Asgarnia at Port Saram, where his father's employer Richard thornberriesworthshire paid for him to attend the local school (now a Crack house). In 152 5th age, after 5 years schooling, he began work for his father, who had by now been promoted to Port master. For leisure he would jump in the water, and play with all the dead rats under the ports’ docks enjoying the opportunity for solitude.[Wikipedia Sez This Is False]

In 158 5th age, when he was 16, Teacup moved to the fishing village of Witchhaven to be apprenticed as a “innocent lookout boy” to boatman and shady haberdasher William Niggershire.[this is a lie] Historians have speculated that this is where Teacup first felt the lure of the sea while gazing out of the shop window...[just go with it]

After 18 months, not proving suitable for lookout work, Teacup traveled to the nearby port town of Khazard.[yeah, right] This is where he really began to learn the ropes of over-seas trade, and where the local so-called "Just plain coal" & "Just plain tar" trade greatly flourished. He became very wealthy from the fruits of trading "Normal goods" that he built his over-sized house right in the middle of Port Khazard, which became the Captain Teacup Memorial Museum (after is was confiscated by the government authorities). Teacup was taken on as a merchant navy apprentice in their small fleet of vessels selling "Coal" and "Tar" to desperate folks along the coast of Catherby for a huge profit. His first assignment was aboard the H.M.S. Niggerland, and he spent several years on this and various other coasters sailing between the Port Saram and Port phastmatys.

As part of this apprenticeship, Teacup applied himself to the study of algebra, geometry, trigonometry, navigation and astronomy, all skills he would need one day to command his own ship.[yeah, right]

His three-year apprenticeship completed, Teacup began working on trading ships in the Northern Sea. He soon progressed through the Merchant navy ranks, starting with his 155 5th age promotion to Mate (officer in charge of navigation) aboard the H.M.S. Wonderfuckland In 158 5th age, within a month of being offered command of this vessel, he volunteered for service in the Royal Navy, as Asgarnia was re-arming for what was to become the Varrockian War. Despite the need to start back at the bottom of the naval hierarchy, Teacup realized his career would advance more quickly in military service and entered the Navy.

Captain Red Teacups’ Military & Drug Trade Career[edit]

A Captivating and Academy Award winning dramatization of the famous mutiny that took place on board shortly after Teacup was told he "couldn't be Captain".

Red Teacup finally tired of just being the ship's lowly "Candyman", being quite the mutineer he began to mutiny, and soon took over the entire Navy ship to which he is now "Captain". In 158 he and his crew mates took part in the capture of one Khardian warship and the sinking of another, but not just because it was funny, or because he hates those damn Khardian so much, but also because it was packed with gold, silver, and a large supply of morphine. After selling all that morphine to some rich kid on some island, making a huge sum of gold, and enjoying a little of it himself, he set sail once again to find new lands with new strange substances to get addicted to. His first official command of a Navy ship was in 159 5th age after he bribed the king in order to make him forget about the past several "Minor" mutinies in the past with a large sum of "Royal Goodies" pirated it from his Kingdom's own ships.

160 5th age Teacup being dubbed qualified to navigate and handle a ship of the King's fleet by the incredibly high king himself. He then gave Red Teacup command over the HMS Hellfire Teacup for his own pleasure. During this period he served in several funny minor actions which involved playing pranks on Barbarians in the vicinity of the Fremennik Isles. During the Varrockian War, he also served in the Northern Fremennik sea In 161 5th age, and he took part in the major amphibious assault which captured Mos’le harmless from the French.

Teacup then participated in the siege of The Bandit camp before the The Battle of Shantays’ Pass in 163. He showed a talent for surveying and cartography and was responsible for mapping much of the entrance to the River Lum during the siege, allowing General CrushTheKing to make his famous stealth attack on the Shantay’s Pass. Teacup's surveying skills were put to good use in the 160s, mapping the jagged coast of The Fremennik isles. Teacup surveyed the northwest stretch, the south coast between the Meiyerditch, Port Phastmatys, and the west coast all in the 160s.

Teacup’s five seasons in The Fremennik isles produced the first large-scale and accurate maps of the island’s coasts; they also gave Teacup his mastery of practical surveying, hook up a very efficient drug trade route, achieved under often adverse conditions, have fun laughing at the Fremenniks tripping on LSD for the first time, and brought him to the attention of the Admiralty and Royal Society at a crucial moment both in his personal career and in the direction of British overseas discovery.

Following on from his exertions in The Fremennik isles, it was at this time that Teacup wrote his intentions:

Other Stuff[edit]

Just because his mother was high when she named him Red Teacup doesn't mean he likes all kinds of Tea, in fact the only Tea he will drink is Irish Tea AKA Whisky, and a type of hallucinogenic mushroom tea, from Psilocybin mushrooms. Though of course regular tea will do just fine.

More Stuff[edit]

Rumor has it that Red Teacup is possibly gay do to the fact that he wears a big red hat with a feather in it, and has been thought to be of a British background.

Although the hard evidence is semi-convincing these rumors are in fact known to be over 9000% false, going by the Uncyclopedia statistic system.

How to Speak in Red Teacup Language[edit]

Speaking in Red Teacup language will NOT attract many females, so if you DO NOT want to get the ladies, DO NOT read on.[2]

  • Hello: "Aye!"
  • Goodbye: " Aye!"
  • Thank you: "Aye!"
  • No Thank you: "Aye!" *Throws in trash*
  • Response to most statements or questions: Turn it into a sexual pun, for example, if your friend says "You want a cocktail?" You say "Forget the tail!"

When in a bad situation, you speak to genders differently.

  • Female: "I know! Let's all hug me!"[3]
  • Male: "I'm not taking my pants off!" *teles* [4]

Distractions: (only use for a quick escape)

  • "Would it be normal for me to violate my dog?"
  • "I want to have sex with your watch."
  • "Aye!" *Does dance emote*

Trying to pick up a woman at a party: "Wanna do the drunken Irish dance?" [5]

When you want a guy to take a trip to the Makeover-Mage: "Hey Crush, how come you're not a girl?"


Drunk Quotes[edit]

The republicans want nothing more than to insult Red Teacup, so they have taken these reputation damaging quotes he said when he was drunk.

"When life hands lemons.. squeeze it into someones eyes and haul ass"

"For my next trick I will need a condom and a volunteer"

"Got beer?"

"I'm so great, I'm jealous of myself"

"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong"

"Alcohol is the answer. I just can't remember the question"

"What's wrong with always being right?"

"The road to success is always under construction"

"So this Irishman walks out of a bar..."

"Tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes"

"I tried to see things from your point of view, but I can't stick my head that far up my ass"

"I thought that handjob was free?"

"I really should finish before she wakes up"

"Hug me, you truck driver! *hic*"

"HERE'S YOUR MILLION GP!" *Throws up in your face*

"I've decided to name my daughter 'cummy in your tummy' Because that's what I told her mother when she was created! *hic*"

These quotes have attracted major attention as to whether or not Red Teacup will make a good president, but he will continue to run his campaign around the world, inviting girls onto his ship in front of their boyfriends and getting brutally rejected and beaten up.

Vote for Red Teacup in the Red Teacup 2012 campaign.

The People's Response(s)[edit]

Many people have different opinions on Red Teacup.

Lowsy drunk.


You and Red are gay.


Red and I aren't gay we just role-play very well and since I role-play well as a girl that means I'm straight because I know a lot about them.


He taught me how to use an anchor. Crush gtfo you're a noob I don't have sex online.

Nurse Cummings

If he really does date other girls we're through.

Emily (She has no idea ^^)

He's silly and immature but we love the old chap!


So you're telling me you worship a cartoon drug dealer? You'd better change that before I give it an 0. You're getting off to a really bad start this quarter.

Mrs. Manley

The Eastern Lands[edit]

On numerous occasions Red Teacup has been seen claiming he has "Found" the map to the widely rumored, and probably fictional land known as the"Eastern Lands" or "Land to the East" {Notice picture below}. Even though it's probably fake, no one seems to be able to prove him wrong 100%. Which makes him one irritating bastard to deal with, and or talk to.

A picture of the Eastern Lands he says he "Found".

The Karamja Eruption[edit]

Teacup waiting at the edge of the volcano waiting to prove his sitings true.....

Another one of Red Teacup's unproven sitings of new and spectacular events, and new places that no one else has seen or heard of, and only a very few questionable individuals have also claimed to have seen is the Legendary Karamja Eruption. Teacup has posted on forum threads stating he had witnessed the Karamja volcano "Erupt". With no solid evidence, or solid witnesses Red Teacup wrote this to prove to the world that he had witnessed a real event, and that he probably wasn't doing acid on that particular day.


When Red Teacup was 22, he took a vacation to the lovely city of Burgh de Rott. While visiting the city to the north, Mort'ton, he met CrushTheKing. Red Teacup and CrushTheKing quickly went the the motel in Burgh de Rott, and "had some fun". In three days, CrushTheKing was ready to give birth. She was rushed to Meiyerditch Regional Hospital where she gave birth to 9 kids at once. After one season of the porn-star show "Red Teacup & Plus Nine", he sold his kids on eBay.

Private Life[edit]

Teacup has been known to prefer baths with transvestites over showers {CrushTheKing on Left & Red Teacup on Right}

Red's Psychedelic artwork[edit]


  1. He does some of it himself, I'm sure.
  2. When addressing Females, say "Hello, <Insert name here>!" This works 10% of the time.
  3. About 2% of the time you will be piled by girls like in the Axe and Tag and Old Spice commercials. 90% of the time you will be rejected. 8% of the time a girl will hug you but her overprotective father will come and shoot you in the face with a crossbow, killing you instantly.
  4. Do not do this if you don't want the person you're talking to being arrested.
  5. If she is Irish she will find this offensive, it's risky.