Proctology
Proctology is the branch of science encompassing the exploration and charting of deep crevasses, abysses, fissures, caverns, chasms, gorges, holes, pits, voids, folds, and flaps.
History[edit | edit source]
Proctology, like many other modern scientific disciplines can trace its roots back to Ancient Greece. It began, rather humbly, with pairs of friends exchanging impromptu examinations with the tools at hand.
Lacking any tools, they used their hands.
The practice achieved formal and widespread acceptance in the 400s BC when Pythagoras made subtle alterations and claimed himself as its inventor. He devised a system whereby three individuals could form a triangle, with each participant examining each other simultaneously, and thus improving theoretical temporal efficiency by a factor of 3.
As evidenced by his subsequent influence on mathematical theory, Pythagoras' obsession with three-ways was destined for the history books.
Modern Tools & Technologies[edit | edit source]
Modern proctologists do still, at times, use their hands for proctological exploration, though the process has made enormous strides forward with the advent of digital technology.
Depending upon the size of the region in question, a variety of equipment may be used:
Small Crevasses within Narrow Geographical Masses[edit | edit source]
Also known as the Callista Flockhart-class. The recommended tools are:
- Electron microscope
- Tweezers
- X-ray
- Nanobots
Normal-sized Crevasses within Normal-sized but Otherwise Abnormal Geographical Masses[edit | edit source]
Also known as the Kate Moss-class. The following are suggested:
- Anesthesia by use of controlled substances
- Conventional digital exploratory techniques
Abormally Large Crevasses within Normal-sized Geographical Masses[edit | edit source]
Also nicknamed the Oscar Wilde-class. Try these tools on for size:
Titanically Large Crevasses within Gigantic Geographical Masses[edit | edit source]
For Oprah-class explorations:
- Anesthesia is not required, due to sufficient clearances.
- Multi-stage rockets
- Submarines, bathyspheres, and other heavy-walled and pressure-resistant vessels[4]
- Remotely Operated Vehicles (ROVs)[5]
Famous Proctologists[edit | edit source]
- Pythagoras – father of modern proctology, and grandfather of the lubricated potato
- Jacques Cousteau pioneered the use of submarines in this approach.
- Werner Von Braun fired the imaginations of a generation when he suggested landing arseholes on the moon.
- George (Jorge) Bush – millions of Americans instantly associate his name with that special place.
- George Michael is not a professional, but he is a talented amateur who makes house calls and is famous for public outreach campaigns.
- Hillary Clinton is as adept in dealing with assholes as are her male counterparts.
- Kramer of Seinfeld: Thou doth protest too much, sir!
- Oscar Wilde: Thou might have tried to protest, at least a little.
- The Head of Airport Security – as you're bound to find out sooner or later
- Bubba – an inmate at Attica – is the first-ever full-time certified prisoner–proctologist.[6]
“Oooh! Oooh! Do-over! (ahem) ... I wish to withdraw my earlier assertion.”
Footnotes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ 15–50 feet
- ↑ not a typo
- ↑ Anesthesia is seldom requested – and sometimes vehemently refused if offered.
- ↑ KY® Jelly and a signed waiver recommended
- ↑ Alkaline batteries required, and sold separately. Prolonged exposure to conditions of excessive heat and humidity without scheduled maintenance voids any and all warranty, except as applicable in your State or Province. Check your local listings.
- ↑ On death row for killing hundreds of pricks with a Flesh Pen®
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