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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

She was one hundred sixteen years old and different from other girls. She wasn't notably pretty and was socially awkward. She was the only alien in her school, which didn't help her feelings of exclusion. But the tolerant people of her town for the most part saw past her glowing blue skin.

Despite this all, she was in with the popular girls. Guys were cordial with her but nothing more. Drunken jocks at parties often dared each other to score with the alien chick. "Fifty bucks for the bro who scores some Pluto pussy" they said. They always failed. At parties she was so socially awkward that any guy coming near her would set off blue LED like lights in her cheeks. It is a biological trait Plutonian females have. It instantly freaks out any guy who gets near her. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that Vladimir Putin's warm and paternal gaze can cure cancer?

... that the light at the end of the tunnel is commonly reported to be a strobe light accented with techno?
... that dihydrogen monoxide is a substance found in car exhaust, pesticides, acid rain, and your energy drink?
... that telling someone you masturbated to their Facebook picture is frowned upon in society?
...that Uncyclopedia regularly kills its editors mid-sent
... that in 2007 the Department of Homeland Security released a series of informative pamphlets on surviving a terrorist attack?
... that there is no consensus among experts on vice presidential history that Al Gore exists?
... that this in not a DYK entry?

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In the news [edit]

The face of HATE!

4chan hacked, nobody cares
Vatican commits simony
YouTube child educator Ms. Rachel detained and deported by ICE (Pictured)
Scientists revive some dead wolves because they can
Steve's Lava Chicken shut down due to health code violations
Wayne Gretzky's all-time regular season goal record broken by Putin's Instagram buddyboo
Donald Trump receives prestigious award for destroying the stock market
Kid (and ball) escape narrow car crash
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. engulfs every panda bear in existence
Kardashian and Ye do washed up things

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, and Deltarune • Eurovision • Russian Invasion • Israel-Palestine conflict • DOGE budget cuts • Everyone ditching some Disney live-action remake for A Minecraft Movie • Trump and Xi's tariff games • Americans scrambling last-minute to pay their taxes

Recent deaths: Meghan Markle's Netflix show • Kurt from Good Burger • George Foreman • 23andMe • Bruce Glover • Richard Chamberlain • Roger Daltrey's eyes and ears • Val Kilmer • Yoon Suk Yeol's presidency and freedom • Your 401K • Jay North • The playoff bids of all New York State NHL teams

Upcoming deaths: U.S. and Global Economy • Luigi Mangione • Kate Middleton • Laura Palmer • DEI • Columbus Blue Jackets' playoff chances • Gawr Gura

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On this day [edit]

April 16: 42nd Josef Stalin Appreciation Day (World)

1560 BC - Moses forgets to take his schizophrenia pills and begins to hear voices. He takes off from Ur, resulting in all of modern humanity's problems.
1855 - Abraham and Mary Todd Lincoln enjoy a night of mad passionate love.
1878 - Joseph Stalin (Pictured) is born. Baby Hitler shudders in his Baby Hitler dreams.
1934 - Eleanor Roosevelt uncharacteristically enjoys a hotdog.
1943 - The first "Annual Miss Stalin-Look-Alike" contest is held in the Soviet Union; Joseph Stalin wins unanimously.
1953 - Desi Arnaz slaps Lucille Ball, calling her an "estupit beach" on national television.
1991 - US federal law passed forbidding driving while spreading cream cheese on a bagel.
2006 - The Queen of England decrees that all Australians must wear cork underpants.
2011 - Encyclopedia Dramatica sadly returns within 2 days of its death.

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Hello Kitty getting her groove on.

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