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From today's featured article
Hello and welcome to our one hour special on the American Man, brought to you by cool, refreshing, Coors Light! In the next hour, you will learn the ins and outs of being a true man according to our sponsor, Coors Light. Silver Bullet!
Many of these qualities are (or should be) entirely obvious to any man living in America, sitting on his couch with his dumbass friends, a plate of wings on the coffee table, and a frost-brewed Coors Light in his hand to wash it all down with. However, for those wishing to study the subtle mannerisms of the species, for lesser men hoping to become less of a wimp (or straight), or for annoyed girlfriends/wives who are sick of repressing their rage for their beastly better halves, we present the following crash-course in manhood as our sponsor, ice cold Coors Light, would have us do so. (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... that guilt tripping junk mail makes up 12% of Africa's GDP? (Pictured)
- ... that the square root of 69 is 8 something?
- ... that St. Peter's Basilica is a large reptilian creature with breath of fire and a gaze that can turn people into stone?
- ... that the concept of Hell dates back to ancient Egyptians' fear of sand burning your feet?
- ... that I let the dogs out, and you can't do a goddamn thing about it?
- ... that forgetting to carry the one is the leading cause of disaster for world domination plans?
- ... that women are more likely to have a vagina than men?
- ... that Karen is a female given name meaning "she who wants to see the manager"?
In the news
- Time travelers protest Trump's inauguration, reveal we're stuck in a time loop
- Taylor Swift and Hailee Steinfeld set for Celebrity Deathmatch as Bills-Chiefs halftime show
- Who's performing at Trump inauguration? (2025)
- David Lynch dies, weird town to investigate (Pictured)
- Los Angeles Rams rest starters in playoff game to disastrous results
- Donald Trump given three Nobel Peace Prizes
- Donald Trump uses his get out of jail free card
- California's real estate market is on fire... literally.
- And in shambles.
- Steve Guttenberg comes to the rescue... without those goofy sound effects
- South Korea's president arrested for "accidentally" declaring martial law while ordering pizza, sentenced to play in the Squid Game
- Trudeau resigns after making a mess for a decade, Canucks rejoice
- Alcohol gets the Surgeon General's Warning for cancer; sparking "Dry January" chaos
- Jimmy Carter kicks bucket at the ripe old age of 100
- Panama Canal faces ominous threats from both global warming and Donald Trump
- Google reveals least popular searches of 2024
- Luigi arraigned for gunning down health insurance CEO; pleads not guilty
Ongoing: Eurovision Song Contest • Russian Invasion • Israel–Hamas conflict • United States presidential election aftermath • College football championship game • Another Josh Allen/Patrick Mahomes playoff game. Spoiler Alert: refs rig game for Chiefs again
Recent deaths: TikTok • A CEO who died peacefully and surrounded by his loving family • Greg Gumbel • Jimmy Carter • Liberal Party of Canada • Aaron Rodgers' career • Jean-Marie Le Pen • Peter Yarrow • Anita Bryant • Yoon Suk Yeol's presidency and freedom • Bob Uecker • Dame Joan Plowright
Upcoming deaths: The Kansas City Chiefs Refs season • Bashar al-Assad • Diddy's freedom • Jay‑Z's career and freedom • Luigi Mangione • Kate Middleton • Your New Year's resolutions • Los Angeles • Israel–Hamas conflict • Laura Palmer
On this day
January 20: Act Like You Care About Politics Day
- 1265 - The first ever House of Parliament is convened, first item on agenda is, "Do the peasants have too much rights?"
- 1783 - Britain formally splits from the American Colonies after the Revolutionary War: Britain says, "you'll be back."
- 1789 - George Washington makes speech declaring himself eternal Godking of the 13 colonies, is brought back to his senses with a stiff drink and a good nap.
- 1953 - Senator Alfred "The Lorax" Ramsey introduces bill to Senate to save the endangered Truffula forest from the Onceler.
- 2017 - Donald Trump is inaugurated as the 45th President of the United States, satire dies a slow and painful death.
- 2021 - Donald Trump is expelled as Joe Biden makes his return as the 46th President, promising to reinstate the legality of satire but subsequently failing.
- 2025 - Robot Hitler is inaugurated as the 47th President, liberals immediately call for a hundred stern op-eds.
- 2065 - Barron Trump's floating brain becomes President, Americans wish for the simpler days of Mecha Hitler.
Picture of the day
There's something strange, and it don't look good. Who ya gonna call? Image credit: RadicalX |
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