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From today's featured article 

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"What Would Jesus Do?" is the most popularly over-asked question in the history of man, just edging out, Baby, if you've never tried anal sex, how do you know you won't like it? It is also the most asked question in the history of women, just ahead of Do you think this makes my ass look fat?

The question is commonly associated with dedicated followers of Christianity, but falsely so; true believers never ask that question as they know exactly what the Jesus would do. The simple query inspired the WWJD movement and spawned a multi-million dollar a year industry producing such wholesome family oriented items as charitable bracelets [1], lighters, belly-cut t-shirts [2], the finest of bumper stickers printed only in the smallest existing illegible fonts on Earth, and beer koozies.

The capitalistic monster spawned by those four little words has grown into that which has lead some to believe modern Jesus just wants to bank some loot, buy some bling, and bang some bitches. This may well be true as he declined any interview for this article. (Full article...)

Did you know... 

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  • ... that there is a 9 out of 10 chance that New Jersey is actually a state?
  • ... that the packets of silica gel that say "DO NOT EAT" are actually delicious?
  • ... that if you were to stack up all the elephants on Earth, those elephants would die?
  • ... that the lawman/outlaw Wild Bill Hickok had one of the most celebrated mustaches in the Wild West?
  • ... that Rihanna's hit song Umbrella can cause rain to fall upwards?
  • ... that it is important to tune your Air Guitar constantly, as any dust particles that stick to the complicated arrangement of air will completely deform it?
  • ... that reading this section is a severe waste of time?

In the news 

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Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, TAWOG, Stranger Things 5, and Spaceballs 2 • Russian Invasion • Gaza War • Trump and Elon's feud.. make up.. no one knows anymore • Animal-related live-action remakes kicking Snow White's ass • Jaws 50th anniversary • Colorado Rockies game replacing Jaws airing • Israel/Iran "peace talks" • Pittsburgh Steelers adding old players way past their prime • Rock drummer exodus (not to be confused with Tom Hunting or Zbigniew Fyk)

Recent deaths: Ariana Grande's Nonna • Canadian team's bid to win the Stanley Cup, again • PF4Eva's headphone cable • Jimmy Swaggart • Diddy's freedom for only 20 years • Michael Madsen • Diogo Jota • Texas flood victims

Upcoming deaths: DEI • Tom Cruise's career of sprinting on-screen • Pittsburgh Steelers' locker room • Greta Thunberg? • R. Kelly • Iran's nuclear program • Oil prices • Dumbasses with fireworks in their backyards • Diddy's bank account after incoming lawsuits • The asshats who spoiled Squid Game

On this day 

July 11: International Pull My Finger Day; Fake Fart Appreciation Day (Rural Alabama, Georgia)
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  • 1307 – Walter Tell, offspring of the famed archery enthusiast William Tell, pioneered the art of Interpretive Death by creatively expiring after suffering a major crossbow incident.
  • 1796 – The United States takes possession of Detroit from Great Britain under the terms of the Jay Treaty. Great Britain immediately regrets this transaction when the Detroit Red Wings win the Stanley Cup in 1798.
  • 1804 – Secretary of the Treasury Alexander Hamilton is mortally wounded in a duel with United States Vice President Aaron Burr in the last major political duel before the Political Dueling Edict of 1822 was imposed by the new generation of sissy-boy lawmakers.
  • 1859 – A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens is published. Oscar Wilde immediately parodies many of Dickens' concepts in his novel the Picture of Dorain Gray.
  • 1864 – The American Civil War does not live up to its name as a Civil War, as pleasantries are barely exchanged before the Battle of Fort Stevens.
  • 1925 – Famous monster Oscar the Grouch (pictured) is born in the slums of Sesame Street. He does not earn the added moniker of "Grouch" until he resorts to selling candy to children after bedtime following a long string of hardships.

Picture of the day

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 Africa is widely known by those in the US to be Earth's shittiest continent. For one thing, the land is wracked with hunger, poverty, disease, and genocide. It is also filled with monkeys, like those parks where they tear your car to shreds. Not a pleasant place, all things considered. (Rwanda sucks and has a very retarded name.)

Things from Africa include: zoo animals, human trials, like monkeys; lots of fruit...um... AIDS? AIDS is from there, right? And black people? Hey, is that where African Americans came from? Yeah? Well, who knew?
Image credit: Jordanus
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