Grand Theft Auto V
| Grand Theft Auto V | |
|---|---|
| |
| Developer(s) | Rockstar Games |
| Publisher(s) | Rockstar North |
| Designer(s) | Sam & Dan Houser |
| Engine | Rage, Euphoria |
| Latest version | |
| Release date(s) | Spring 2013 |
| Genre | Murder Simulator |
| Mode(s) | Single Player, Multiplayer |
| Rating(s) | Adults Only (AO) |
| Platform(s) | Everything |
| Media | CD, DVD, Blu-Ray |
| System requirements | |
| Input | |
| Monthly fee | {{{fee}}} |
| Active players | {{{players}}} |
“Fuckin' A!”
“Yeah, I'll contribute to the article, just ignore the bodies!”
“GTA? Yeah. Whatever.”
Grand Theft Auto V (also known as GTA V, The Next GTA, or That Game Where You Steal Cars And Kill Hookers) is an upcoming third-person murder simulator by Rockstar Games, scheduled to be released worldwide on all major game consoles, much to the chagrin of Jack Thompson, Christian-Conservative groups, and Soccer Moms in Spring 2013. It will be the 72nd installment in the widely popular Grand Theft Auto series, which is known for its family-friendly elements, such as torturing an innocent man with a pipe wrench, bombing a federal government building, and assassination.
Development[edit | edit source]
Development of the game is rumored to have been started, then scrapped, then started again, then scrapped, and finally started again as the bi-polar Houser brothers, Sam and Dan, who collectively founded Rockstar Games, failed to take criticism from fans over previous installments, as well as amicably get along with each other. With tensions on the rise, a need to keep up with the Jones's, and Take-Two's fiscal earnings suffering due to the recession (and Strauss Zelnick's ostentatious spending), Grand Theft Auto V, while so disagreeable, ultimately became something of a trump card. This is something they had to do in order to survive. Putting it in layman's terms, they needed to shit or get off the pot. This revelation was enough to shake them to their very core, and in 2009, the first stages of development began.
A rough drawing of the logo, done in MS Paint and later confirmed to be the final design, appeared in a 3 second video on YouTube, uploaded on October 25th, 2011. Eight days later, on November 2nd, the first trailer was released, showing that the game would take place in the Mojave Desert, among other locales.
On January 9th, 2012, it was reported that Rockstar hired three kids off the street at random to test the game, under circumstances which have not been made public. Unaware that they were epileptic, however, they soon began experiencing seizures and convulsing after one hour of playing. The infamous developer, known also for violating child labor laws in the design of past titles in the series, tried to chalk it to up the game being "just that damn awesome." But people weren't having it. As a direct result of these allegations, they have been "practically pigeonholed" into spending their money on rampant legal fees, which ultimately cut into the planned budget, as confirmed in Take-Two's annual financial report. This was confirmed officially on February 2nd as Strauss Zelnick mournfully stated that Grand Theft Auto V was making "horrible progress." He was later witnessed by an anonymous source in the drivers seat of his Ford Mercury playing russian roulette with a .44 Magnum, and drinking an undisclosed brand of alcohol "in excess." Whether or not he won, or drank himself to death, was finally determined with the latest batch of screenshots to hit the interwebs. Mr. Zelnick lives, ladies and gentlemen!
In these recent screenshots of the game, it has been proven that Grand Theft Auto V will feature realistic aging, and various age-appropriate activities such as sleeping, the ability to follow the posted Speed Limit, Canasta, Checker Games, and expanded programming on the Televisions (plural), which were introduced for the first time ever to the series, in the world renowned Grand Theft Auto IV. Confirmed vehicles include the 1987 Buick Riviera and the BMX Bicycle for those on the go, while those who opt to take it easy might be more inclined to use the Manual Wheelchairs, and Hoverounds, as well as the various available forms of Public Transportation. Piggy-Back Rides, when all else fails, are also confirmed.
A full preview of the game was released on November 8th, 2012, via GayInformant Magazine. Some details of which are mapped out below. Some.
Plot[edit | edit source]
Characters & Storyline[edit | edit source]
Three player-controlled Characters, otherwise known as Protagonists, have been confirmed. These are their stories.
Michael (Age 43) is what the criminal underworld commonly refer to as a "two-bit backstabbing piece of shit rat." His story begins in a Sun Lounger, strategically positioned by the side of his swimming pool, away from an increasingly materialistic wife, and ungrateful children who have a habit of looking a gift horse in the mouth. It is soon made evident through his regular psychiatrist visits that they have an agenda of their own to spend all of Michael's money, and drive him to the point of suicide. Something he just ain't going for. Pissed and determined to one-up his family, he falls back into old ways with partners Trevor and Franklin in tow.
Trevor Phillips (Age 40) is your typical, every day psychopath, rumored to have gone crazy from excessive Agent Orange exposure while serving in the United States Army. He also harbors a strong likeness for setting fires. The fact alone that he is balding is completely synonymous with this (during a long night of drinking, being the whacked out son of a bitch that he is, he burned out his own hair follicles on a bet). Whenever he's not killing or burning shit, he resides in a Trailer Park out in the desert region of Blaine County, Los Santos, where sometimes he talks to aliens with his only true friend in the world aside from Michael: Ron. Trevor also likes to fly planes in his spare time, dropping napalm on unsuspecting immigrants working the fields.
Franklin (Mid-20s) is to GTA V what Carl Johnson was to the universe of San Andreas: a young, angry Black Man. And like many young, angry Black Men, Franklin is on a destiny all of his own to take over Los Santos. In a twist of irony, he is relying on his newly acquired mentor Michael to help him achieve this. Will Michael brush him off in favor of getting revenge on his family? Will he take a more final approach in getting him off his back? Maybe Trevor will get jealous of the two budding up altogether, kill Michael, kill Franklin, and pimp out his girlfriend for an extra buck? To really know for sure, the developers at Rockstar encourage you to play the game.
Locations[edit | edit source]
Based on what we've seen in both of the trailers, the following are confirmed:
- Cities
- Countryside
- Deserts
- Roads
- Alleys
- Hills
- Water
- Caves
- Living Rooms
- Bathrooms
- Kitchens
- Swimming Pools
- Porches
- Boat Docks
- Tunnels
- ...and so on
What we won't be seeing, however, are new cities. Despite the sheer scale of Los Santos, and how you might be wishing "boy, I wish we had THREE of this intensity", you're shit outta luck. Sincerely, Rockstar Games.
Multiplayer[edit | edit source]
Two-Player split-screen Multiplayer has been confirmed. It will feature a wide variety of Game Modes such as Deathmatch, Team Deathmatch (with AI teammates/competitors), Capture The Fag, Sink The Hooker, Hunting Season, Kidnapping and Team Kidnapping. Crews from Max Payne 3 will carry over to GTA V as well for only $9.99 USD on the PS3 and X-Box 360, while PC users who pre-order will get this feature for free on day one. While Multiplayer itself is "pretty much a given" according to Dan Houser out of the box for the PC and 360, for PS3 users, Multiplayer access requires an additional PlayStation Plus subscription, a one-time use only online pass, and currently unannounced, special Rockstar ordained multiplayer software (currently in it's Beta stage) that can be downloaded from the PlayStation Store for only $19.99 USD. This has been viewed in advance by many Gaming Magazines as "the best marketing ploy of 2012."
Soundtrack[edit | edit source]
All copies of the game come with a free subscription to Sirius Satellite Radio, for the bi-weekly cost of $29.99 USD. That's as low as $600/year for all your favorite artists!
...of course, there's always torrents you can download. But beware of the RIAA! Beware, I say!
Confirmed Rumors[edit | edit source]
- Animals are entirely consumable, and replace all Fast Food chains... except the Chinese ones
- Humans are also consumable, once you reach level 30 and acquire the "cannibal" perk
- Cat shit is now a collectable item... CONFIRMED!!!
- Cars handle just as you would expect them to: hard. Thankfully there's buildings and pedestrians to help your cognitive abilities...
- For every accident you are involved in, despite your insurance carrier, you will get points on your license - see how many you can get, and challenge your friends!
- Transvestite Hookers, Underage Hookers, and STDs have been confirmed - wear a Condom and practice Safe Sex, or just kill them all!
- If you're arrested, thanks to the indefinite detention act, you may be extradited to North Korea. This opens up a brand new mini-game, entitled Homefront.
- If you're killed... you're dead. If you've been good, you go to heaven. If you've been bad, you go to hell. Just like the real world!
- Drunk Driving makes a comeback. If you're caught doing so and fail the Sobriety Test mini-game, as well as the Breathalyzer, you will spend six months in prison, real time, for D.U.I.!
- The ability to watch TV has been greatly improved. The limited edition of the game comes with a free 90 day subscription to HBO and Showtime!
- Facebook integration has been confirmed. 90% of the game's missions will tie in with the website. See how many "likes" you receive for your violent actions!
Packaging[edit | edit source]
The final product will come in four different forms, as listed below:
Welfare Edition[edit | edit source]
- The Game Disc (condition may vary)
- 7 commemorative Babies with the R* Tattoo
- Special R* brand Penicillin
- EBS Card with the R* Hologram
- Some Crack
Standard Edition[edit | edit source]
- The Game Disc
- The Game Case
- Sirius Satellite Radio
- A commemorative receipt with the R* logo
- Some very pure Crack
Limited Edition[edit | edit source]
- A gold-plated Game Disc with the R* logo in Diamonds
- The standard edition Game Case
- A secondary Game Case with the GTA logo in Diamonds
- A commemorative 12-pack of Rockstar Energy Drink
- A very special, highly limited box of Rockstar Condoms, ribbed for her pleasure
- Sirius Satellite Radio
- Free 90-day subscription to HBO and Showtime
- A Blank CD for burning your own Soundtrack
- A Marble with the R* logo - VERY special
- Gold-plated Crack
VIP Edition[edit | edit source]
- All of the above
- A free invitation to dinner with Sam and Dan Houser where you will be placed on a pedestal, and harmoniously celebrated for your purchase.
