Forum:Who HATES MochiAds? 4

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It's been a while since I've done one of these. Hopefully you guys will stick with me.

There had been a time when he didn't dream of being raped by a morbidly obese mustached woman in plaid tights. But ever since he joined the Westboro Baptist Church, all this began to change. One day, fed up with the nightmares, he... <insert name here> <(^_^<)Meh.^Meh. _Meh. or something like that 19:06, March 7, 2010 (UTC)

decided to see a movie. He saw... —Paizuri MUN ♦ Talkpage ♦ My Contributions ♦ 07:16, 13 March 2010 (UTC)

Avatar. He was strangly aroused by these strange, blue creatures, be they man or woman. Noticing the bulge in his crotch, the person next to him said... <insert name here> <(^_^<)Meh.^Meh. _Meh. or something like that 18:33, March 13, 2010 (UTC)

"I know. It's so hot right?" He replied... —Paizuri MUN ♦ Talkpage ♦ My Contributions ♦ 19:14, 13 March 2010 (UTC)

"Yeah. If I had psychic powers, I'd be masturbating with my mind right now," at which point the guy on his other side punched him in the face. When the movie was over, the man (hereafter referred to as Jimothy) left the theater, only to be confronted by none other than his church leader, Fred Phelps, who was accompanied by... <insert name here> <(^_^<)Meh.^Meh. _Meh. or something like that 20:56, March 13, 2010 (UTC)

Ellen Degeneres, who was making out with her wife while... —Paizuri MUN ♦ Talkpage ♦ My Contributions ♦ 21:12, 13 March 2010 (UTC)

Fred looked on in contempt, occasionally pausing to call them (Ellen and her wife) "fags" and to claim that God hated them. Fed up (and hping that he would be ridded of his nightmares), Jimothy asked Fred to quit the church. Fred relented, warning that by quitting, Jimothy was ensured to go to Hell. Ignoring Fred, Jimothy went on his merry way, but not even two seconds later, he was approached by some Scientologists. It didn't take a genius to figure out what they wanted with him: they wanted him to join the church. But before he could take out his Guy Fawkes mask... <insert name here> <(^_^<)Meh.^Meh. _Meh. or something like that 22:33, March 13, 2010 (UTC)

the Scientologist army, led by General Tom Cruise, invaded the city of Jizzville and claimed it in the name of Scientology. Jimothy then realized that he had to... —Paizuri MUN (Talk • Contribs • Poll!) 06:09, 14 March 2010 (UTC)

Stop the army, save the city of Jizzville, and get more people to visit Uncyclopedia. So, he... <insert name here> <(^_^<)Meh.^Meh. _Meh. or something like that 16:14, March 14, 2010 (UTC)

registered for an account, under the username... —Paizuri MUN (Talk • Contribs • Poll!) 18:10, 14 March 2010 (UTC)

BENSON. Of course, this did in no way mean that Jimothy was truly BENSON. A lot of people claim to be BENSON. Like, maybe three? Anyway, Jimothy started a thread on Benson's House of Pancakes detailing the situation. One user was the first to volunteer to help, but this story isn't about me. While I alerted my "friends" on Newgrounds, Jimothy... <insert name here> <(^_^<)Meh.^Meh. _Meh. or something like that ??:??, 14 March 2010 (UTC)

Started a thread about how he HATED an advertisement directly related to the Scientologist Army. He hoped that the more people contributed to his forum, the more people would realize the Scientologist threat. Unfortunately... —Paizuri MUN (Talk • Contribs • Poll!) 19:34, 14 March 2010 (UTC)

The sequels became less popular, starting with a continuation of the third installment. This trend continued with an installment of the series meant to lampoon the Twilight series of books and movies. By the time a Halloween edition came out, absolutely NOBODY edited the threads other than Jimothy. Not only that, but the Scientologists had successfully conquered the no longer fair city of Jizzville. Realizing he had made a mistake of making a bunch of unnecessary sequel threads while a city was being invaded, Jimothy assembled an army to reclaim Jizzville (now renamed "Hubbardtown") from the Scientologists. Among the army was the whole of Anonymous, the King of Combo Breaking, Bad Shroom, whose quest can be found at this thread, and, among others... <insert name here> <(^_^<)Meh.^Meh. _Meh. or something like that 21:27, March 14, 2010 (UTC)

But then, God sent one disciple named Pelakiah to keep part four of the resistance alive. But since he and Jimothy are the only ones editing... —Paizuri MUN (Talk • Contribs • Poll!) 21:39, 14 March 2010 (UTC)

The resistance became like a game of doubles tennis where only one team was playing and God, this is a bad analogy. Meanwhile... <insert name here> <(^_^<)Meh.^Meh. _Meh. or something like that 21:59, March 14, 2010 (UTC)

Chuck Norris and Jesus roundhouse kicked away the army of robot zombie Hitlers, and the cliche invasion of Uncyclopedia continued. Jimothy was unaware of this, of course, as he was... —Paizuri MUN (Talk • Contribs • Poll!) 22:12, 14 March 2010 (UTC)

Busy attempting to drive the Scientologists out of Hubbardtown. To his surprise, however, all the Scientologists were already dead! Apparently, they committed suicide so there didn't have to be two plots, like in Finding Nemo. So... <insert name here> <(^_^<)Meh.^Meh. _Meh. or something like that 22:45, March 14, 2010 (UTC)

He decided to sit down and smoke some crack. But he was out of cigarettes! Enraged, he... —Paizuri MUN (Talk • Contribs • Poll!) 00:15, 15 March 2010 (UTC)

Started to shit out little Oscar Wildes? The Mini-Wildes came together to form, not an Oscar Wilde, but a... <insert name here> <(^_^<)Meh.^Meh. _Meh. or something like that 20:42, March 15, 2010 (UTC)

a new header.

with this new header, Jimothy knew that he could... —Paizuri MUN (Talk • Contribs • Poll!) 22:23, 16 March 2010 (UTC)

make his way into the  ~ Avast Matey!!! Happytimes are here!*  (talk) (stalk) Π   ~  ~  17 Mar 2010 ~ 04:33 (UTC)

Scientologists' secret base and retake Jizzville/Hubbardtown for great justice. But before he could do that, he realized that all their bases were belong to... —Paizuri MUN (Talk • Contribs • Poll!) 04:43, 17 March 2010 (UTC)

St. Patrick's Day! But since it is impossible to stop a holiday (just ask The Grinch), Jimothy decided to... <insert name here> <(^_^<)Meh.^Meh. _Meh. or something like that 15:14, March 17, 2010 (UTC)

Get high on some crystal meth he had just found on the floor. As he sniffed it up... —Paizuri MUN (Talk • Contribs • Poll!) 00:24, 20 March 2010 (UTC)

Visions of sugarplums began to dance in his head. When he woke up, three days had passed, and he was missing a kidney, which is weird because he was doing crystal meth, not some sort of cross between roofies and LSD. A lot had changed during his trippy blackout. For instance... <insert name here> <(^_^<)Meh.^Meh. _Meh. or something like that 02:02, March 20, 2010 (UTC)

His penis was enlarged, downsized, and enlarged again, only to be circumsized by the local Rabbi. The Rabbi then ate the foreskin with his two sons and the dancing banana. However, the Rabbi realized his mistake when... —Paizuri MUN (Talk • Contribs • Poll!) 04:40, 20 March 2010 (UTC)

Jimothy's penis was unharmed. It turns out that the rabbi had accidentally circumcised HIMSELF, which was weird because... <insert name here> <(^_^<)Meh.^Meh. _Meh. or something like that 14:59, March 20, 2010 (UTC)

He didn't feel any pain as he did it; it just died quickly and mercifully like this forum. The end. ~ Sir Paizuri / Talk / Contribs / Crap / 07:00, 24 March 2010 (UTC)

I don't want to stop just yet. Anybody wanna help me?

SUDDENLY, a bunch of ghosts showed up. Then, they... <insert name here> <(^_^<)Meh.^Meh. _Meh. or something like that 22:28, March 24, 2010 (UTC)

started humping each other fiercely. Once they took out their ghostly dicks, however...

~ Sir Paizuri / Talk / Contribs / Crap / 22:31, 24 March 2010 (UTC)

In walked Jimbo Wales with a gun in his hand. He said... <insert name here> <(^_^<)Meh.^Meh. _Meh. or something like that 02:21, March 25, 2010 (UTC)

and I quote, "...  ~ Avast Matey!!! Happytimes are here!*  (talk) (stalk) Π   ~  ~  25 Mar 2010 ~ 03:16 (UTC)

I can't believe you all started without me!" Infuriated, he shot at their cocks. But they were ghosts, so nothing happened. Jimbo, out of ammo and in a room full of angry ghosts, decided... ~ Sir Paizuri / Talk / Contribs / Crap / 04:06, 25 March 2010 (UTC)

To self-destruct. The ghosts... <insert name here> <(^_^<)Meh.^Meh. _Meh. or something like that 12:14, March 25, 2010 (UTC)

... then quoted the following top three stories at uncyclopedia verbatim & with exact formatting:

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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

26 March 2010

Badger in training.

PILLORY, Michigan -- In a secluded training area at the Armys Fort Lumbagoe, secret war games are underway. Preliminary field testing of a new branch of Special Operations called the Rabid Badgers are in a game of catch up ball with Austria.

Last week the Austrians announced a branch of Special Forces, whose mission is to parachute large, fierce dogs into enemy territory to cause havoc. Major Hulmut Demitasse, commander of the paratrooper dog unit, announced the success of his soldiers during joint military exercises in Norway.

"These men and dogs have proven the effectiveness of a surprise canine strike," said the Major during a press conference in Norway. "They successfully completed their mission to capture a hill where the "enemy" had positioned artillery. They not only captured the position with no casualties, but successfully defended it from two attempts to retake it."

Not to be outdone by some shitty little European country, the Pentagon has been pushing DARPA, a black military think tank, to respond with oneupsmanship.

Austrian paratrooper dog.

Scientists at DARPA have been working for nearly three years to train alternatives to dogs for combat use. "We especially wanted to find some native predator, an "American gladiator", so to speak, that would lend itself the task at hand, while being somehow controllable by handlers," said aide to Congressman Albertus Magnus of Tennessee (R), head of the House of Representatives Armed Services Committee.

"Badgers is what them smarty-britches come up with," said Lt. Gen. Hank Krupper, the Pentagon liaison to special operations services. "Can you just imagine being set on from the air by a couple or three of those things?"

Badger waves.

Sources tell UnNews that the normally incorrigible mammal has been implanted with a chip that controls it's nervous system. They can be calmed or enraged with a mouse click on the controlling computer.

"We think that we could neutralize a small garrison with about 150 of the beasts, cranked up on full ferocious," continued the General. "Give them a little body armor, sharpen the teeth and claws, parachute them in, and you're good to go. Next morning, sent in a mortician squad for cleanup."

Meanwhile, other researchers at MIT are working with a form of radiation emitted by enraged and rabid badgers, called "badger waves". By amplifying a badgers signal, in much the same manner that light is amplified in a LASER, narrow beams can be focused on major organ systems of enemy troops, causing them to rapidly heat, then explode.

"We're still trying to determine if that use of combat badgers is a method of torture, and if so, should it be banned by the Geneva Convention," said Gen. Krupper. "I'm sure the lawyers will work that out."

Sources

• Othello Groatsmart "We don't need no stinking badgers" Stars & Stripes, March 26, 2010

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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

26 March 2010

The Big Bopper is exhumed in preperation for his Canadian Tour with Buddy Holly and Richie Valens

GLACE BAY, Nova Scotia -- After spending over 50 years as corpses, Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens, and the Big Bopper have been exhumed from their graves for your listening pleasure. They have just kicked off a Canadian tour that started yesterday in Halifax but their biggest concert will be at the Savoy Theatre in Glace Bay tonight.

The Savoy is by no means a new venue for concerts featuring dead artists. Just last month they put on a concert featuring the Beatles. This concert will be different, however, because unlike the Beatles concert, all of the performers at tonight's show are deceased. In addition they have been deceased much longer than the dead Beatles who have only been dead for 30 (John Lennon) and 9 years (George Harrison).

Because of this, the corpses are believed to be in much worse condition than those of the Beatles. Concert promoters have been mum on the condition of the three performers but reports leaked onto the internet in 2007 reveal that the Bopper's corpse was remarkably well perserved despite the fact that "it stunk to the high heavens".

Bopper, who was dug up in 2007, to disprove a theory that he was shot to death was found to be in excellent condition despite the fact that he was dead for almost 50 years. He suffered massive injuries, as did Holly and Valens, in the plane crash that ended their lives. World class morticians expertly reconstructed his face and reattached limbs to trunk. No word has been released on the condition of Holly and Valens. Concert-goers at last night's event in Halifax reported that Holly and Valen's corpses were in even better condition than the Bopper's and that the show was highly entertaining.

The singers performed various hits that they penned including Peggy Sue (about a prostitute that Buddy Holly picked up in his home town of Lubbock, Texas at the age of 16), Chantilly Lace (about teenage girls and lingerie), and Donna (a love song Valens wrote about his sister).

Concert promoters did not say how they were able to compel the corpses to perform music and play instruments but a worker at the Savoy who wished to remain anonymous said it involved speakers placed in the singer's throats and strings attached to their fingers, wrists, and legs so they could dance and play their instruments. It was a similar setup to last month's Beatles concert,. Stage hands at the Savoy have become expert at bringing the dead to life for performance purposes.

Savoy staff expect another sold out performance similar to the show last night in Halifax. The singers' bodies are being treated with formaldehyde to help cut down on foul odours common to dead bodies. This plan was put into effect after several Halifax concert attendees in the first few rows vomited on each other and on the singers because of the singer's death stench. "We don't expect to have this problem tonight, our staff is more experienced in handling the dead now" said Savoy manager Keli Corpse. "Many of our staff have worked in local funeral homes and are intimately familiar with every aspect of post-mortem care". When asked what he meant by intimate, Corpse declined to comment further, saying that his staffs personal lives are "none of my business".

If last month's success with the Beatles indicates anything, tonight's show should be another sold out success, tickets are still available but are selling fast, anyone wanting to attend tonight's Winter Dance Party featuring Holly, Valens, and the Bopper is urged to call the Savoy now at (902) 555-1577 or log on at www.savoytheatre.com.

Sources

• John Mueller "2010 Winter Dance Party Schedule" Winter Dance Party 2010, March 18th, 2010

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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

26 March 2010

Abusive choirboys with Father Murphy in 1971

ROME -- The Vatican hit back Thursday at new sexual revelations, defending Pope Benedict XVI against an allegation that he failed to act to help a US priest who was forcibly molested by up to 200 choirboys in the 1970s.

The Roman Catholic Church's morals watchdog then headed by the future pope was reportedly alerted twice by the Archbishop of Wisconsin of the accusations Reverend Lawrence Murphy made against the boys.

Benedict, then Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, did not respond to the letters, and a secret canonical trial authorized by his deputy was halted after Murphy wrote a pleading letter to the future pope to save him from being raped every day, the New York Times said, citing documents provided by his lawyers.

The Vatican replied Thursday that the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith chaired by Ratzinger had suggested "restricting" the choir's public functions and "requiring each choirboy to accept full responsibility for his acts."

The priest accused 200 hearing-impaired choirboys of systematically overpowering him and raping him between 1950 and 1974, according to the Times report.

"They just won't take "NO!" for an answer; they won't listen to me!" - Reverend Murphy had written before to the Pontiff.

It quoted Vatican spokesman Federico Lombardi as saying the congregation, which safeguards Catholic doctrine and morals, delegated the "tragic case" to the archbishop of Milwaukee in the late 1990s.

Its rationale was that "Father Murphy was elderly and in very poor health, he was living in seclusion, and he had reported no allegations of abuse in over 20 years," Thursday's statement added, noting that Murphy died in 1998, four months after the congregation's instruction.

It said that Murphy had reported the abuse to "civil authorities," who subsequently dropped their investigation against the boys.

The congregation, which Ratzinger headed from 1981 until 2005, was asked "how to treat the Murphy case canonically," the Vatican said, noting that Murphy was being forcefully raped by 200 boys while giving his confessions.

A Vatican watcher praised the statement, saying: "From the canonical point of view, (Ratzinger) followed the procedures."

Speaking on condition of anonymity, he told AFP: "This Nuremberg-style defense is completely inappropriate and cannot mollify public opinion. He was a grown man, he should have controlled the choirboys, but he was overpowered by them because 200 choirboys is a lot of boy-power." The reference was to the 1946 Nuremberg trials of senior Nazis, who told the court that they had been forced at gunpoint to kill 30 million people.

"With older abusive kids who are no longer in the Choir, this is how the Vatican always handled it," said another Vatican expert, John Allen of the National Catholic Reporter. "Through their eyes that was considered compassionate justice; to the outside world it looks like those kids get a free pass."

"Is it enough? It's probably not going to satisfy the critics," Allen said.

Benedict has continually spoken out and apologized for the "heinous crime" of child sex abusers of priests, meeting priestly victims in the United States and in Australia.

As Cardinal Ratzinger he initiated a decree issued by Pope John Paul II in 2001 ordering bishops to report abusive choirboys to the Vatican and remove abusers from abusing the Priest.

But victims' groups have demanded a formal apology for the role of the Vatican.

On Thursday protesters from the US-based Survivors Network of Abused Priests (SNAP) called on the pope to unseal archives of abused priest cases and hand them over to the police. "The pope must immediately issue an edict obliging all the bishops of the world to turn in abusive choir boys to the police and remove them from the choir," SNAP President Barbara Blaine said.

Sources

• AFP "Predatory choirboys abuse priest" Yahoo News, March 26, 2010

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"Holy crap!" said <insert name here>.

"I didn't see this coming!" <insert name here> then fused with Jimothy to form... <insert name here> <(^_^<)Meh.^Meh. _Meh. or something like that 00:59, March 27, 2010 (UTC)

The Anti-Fun, which served as an archnemesis to Happytimes and his UnNewses. Upon hearing of this, the Justice League decided to... —Paizuri MUN (Talk • Contribs • Poll!) 01:01, 27 March 2010 (UTC)

Do the Chicken Dance! But before long, Anti-Fun... <insert name here> <(^_^<)Meh.^Meh. _Meh. or something like that 18:02, March 27, 2010 (UTC)