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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

I was sitting in my living room very late at night, watching The Christmas That Almost Wasn't. I knew the fat, jolly bastard would be arriving soon, and I would be waiting for him. I've been waiting for this moment for years ever since St. Dickolas gave me coal for Christmas four years in a row, despite my good behavior. I'll shove that stocking full of coal up his ass and show him how funny it is.

I was dozing off when I heard it. The sound I could recognize anywhere. The fat bastard's heavy stomps on my rooftop. It's showtime. I sprang up off of the couch and hid behind the Christmas tree. I stay there for a little bit when I hear a loud tumble and an audible "Ah, shit.. that hurt." The fat bastard had entered the point of no return. Of course the jolly prick went straight to the kitchen, where he helped himself to the milk and cookies I laid out. I put a small amount of laxative and LSD in the cookies. I'm also pretty sure he got into the liquor cabinet because I heard him say something about a "Mr. Jack Daniels," with glass clinking around. He laid the presents under the tree, I was so close to him I could smell the liquor and cookies on him. Somehow, he didn't see me.

Then he walks over to the stalking, I peek around the tree. I see the lump of coal in his hand.

No the fuck you don't. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that Pope Francis (Pictured) played football for Argentina?

... that Kitten Huffing is a popular, though controversial, alternative to street drugs such as skag and crank?
... that Calvin and Hobbes was an action-packed buddy comedy series that ran from 1542-1549, featuring philosophers John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes as themselves?
... that in 2007 the Department of Homeland Security released a series of informative pamphlets on surviving a terrorist attack?
... that while laughter is the best medicine, many cancer patients prefer chemotherapy?
... that, despite the invention of the doorbell, knock-knock jokes have yet to be replaced by ding-dong jokes?
... that in 2007 the Department of Homeland Security released a series of informative pamphlets on surviving a terrorist attack?
... that the Uncyclopedia Discord link contains a virus called which infects your computer with the Uncyclopedia Discord?

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In the news [edit]

"He ah-no give me ah-good coverage!"

Google reveals least popular searches of 2024
Jay-Z and Beyonce sit their children down and have a talk with them
Luigi cosplays as Robin Hood and guns down health insurance CEO; (Pictured) Americans rejoice
South Korea's president tries to order pizza, declares martial law instead
Biden pardons Princess Peach and Blossom
- ... and Hunter... and Fauci...
- Special Counsel Jack Smith pardons President-elect turkey, meaning he gets away with January 6th
Cicely Tyson demolishes Aaron Paul in Netflix "boxing" match
Project 2025 to be implemented in 2026, riots ensue
The Onion buys InfoWars. Extra true conspiracy theories coming soon!
- "Nope!" says, judge
Epstein pal Trump picks sex pest pedophile as attorney general... only for him to pull out
Trump picks Led Zeppelin to lead EPA
Obama smears poop on daycare
Kardashian and Aniston endorse bestiality
UnNews publishes official 2024 post-election guide for liberals having to deal with Trump
Joe Biden named winner of 2024 election, confusion erupts in America
2024 U.S. election cancelled due to absence of electoral votes, anarchy likely to follow
TikToker Peanut the Squirrel swatted, killed for "illegal guns and drugs"

Ongoing: Eurovision Song Contest • Russian Invasion • Israel-Hamas conflict • United States presidential election aftermath • NBA and NHL seasons • Athletes doing the "Trump Dance" • Bill Belichick going insane
Recent deaths: • Rickey Henderson • Brian Thompson (United Healthcare CEO) • Democrat party • Diddy's career • The Eras Tour • Alabama football's championship bid • The white guy from The Mod Squad
Upcoming deaths: Vladimir Putin • Bashar al-Assad • Diddy's freedom • Benjamin Netanyahu • Jay-Z's career and freedom • Kate Middleton • Aaron Rodgers' career

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On this day [edit]

December 22: Dead Meme Appreciation Day

5000 BC(ish) - God plans to make perfect woman from an arm and a leg, Adam says "What can ya do with a rib?"
600 BC - YHWH creates woman - twice
0000 - The Blessed Mother Mary's contractions begin
1000 - Spaghetti Monster creates sex.
1231 - God creates Vaginal cancer to spite Spaghetti Monster.
1337 - Counter-Strike is invented
1589 - Japan announces the release of the Hello Kitty Vibrator.
1666 - Manhattan is sold to the Knicks for 24 virgins, an extreme rarity in the area. They immediately re-sell it to Donald Trump.
1923 - LSD is first manufactured, diarrhea of epic solar proportions ensues.
1933 - William Butler Yeats is found dead in a bear cage at the local zoo.
1954 - Film Actors Guild (FAG) is founded
1974 - Gay men blame women for AIDS.
1989 - The end of the world as we know it. Surprisingly, most people are either indifferent or quite fine about the whole thing.
1989 - Pixies send Monkeys to Heaven, Anthony gives Cleopatra a crate of brown ale.
1991 - Man loses his religion, but later finds he left it in the corner, silly man.
2005 - Pussy flavored ice cream invented.
2006 - World peace declared.
2007 - England nukes Wales. Nobody cares.
2012 - Everyone realizes they're not dead.
3434 - Vin Diesel is cloned from one of his last remaining pubic hairs, discovered in Margaret Thatcher's vagina.
5000 - Science descovers a "female orgasm", she was faking...
2111 - New form of moe discovered, turns out to be the same kind of popular moe anime at the time, but with more robotic titties.

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